Miscellaneous: Today, I used a new fragrance-free hypoallergenic laundry detergent... - FML

By It burns down there

Today, I used a new fragrance-free hypoallergenic laundry detergent for my underwear, as I have sensitive skin. I got a rash. FML

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Fight Club Penguin

Smooth criminal

Facts over feelings

By Vince - United States

Today, while on a blind date at Hooters, I ordered my food and the waitress asked me if I was stoned, because she couldn't understand me. I have a speech impediment. FML

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By .... - Canada

Today, I tripped over a ice block frozen to the ground and hit my knee hard on another. I had trouble getting up, so I asked my dad if he could give me a hand. He started clapping and walked away. FML

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By EnemyofKarma - Canada

Today, I marched into my workplace yelling "take this job and shove it", under the impression I would be on a flight in a few days out of here. However, the airline has informed me I cannot fly until April because cargo is too cold for my dog this time of year. Jobless, four weeks to wait. FML

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By JPF - Australia

Today, I found out that I was adopted, now my gay brother thinks it's acceptable to tell me that he's always wanted to have sex with me. FML

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By left-out - United States

Today, my sister posted on her Facebook that she hates moving because of all of the packing that she and my family have to do. I didn't even know we're moving. FML

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By LesboLover

Today, I found out that my crush is a lesbian. Everyone knew about it. Everyone also knew that I liked her. No one told me. FML

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By Denise - 26/7/2020 17:00

How does that work?

Today, the girl I hired and trained took my director's position. She's not even been there a month. I didn't do anything to lose it, they just decided she was more qualified. At least I was good at picking employees I guess. FML

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By . - United States

Today, I was having sex with my husband. We thought the house was empty so we didn't mind being loud. Apparently, my grandma thought it would be fun to give us a surprise visit. All I found was a note on the counter from her and the spare key saying "Next time, I'll call." FML

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By Heather Scurfield - 21/3/2021 10:59

Stomach bug?

Today, I was going to be sick, so I ran to the bathroom. When I got there, I fainted, and fell back against the wall. When I came around, I immediately vomited all down my body, in my hair, and all over the floor. My cat judged me. FML

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By theotherotherguy - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I started a job on a building site. Halfway through, I needed to use the toilet. One of the builders said there were two of them; one was "OK" and the other was "nasty." The first one I walked into had the foulest stench imaginable. Apparently, that was the "OK" one. FML

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By In urgent need of a new roommate - United States - West Linn

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses. FML

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By pinkfloyd777

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's parents offered her a trip to Europe if she dumped me. She accepted, and broke up with me. Her parents were lying. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 20:02

Live from Salt Lake City

Today, I’m in a polyamorous relationship with my husband and another woman. She has anger issues and has been very abusive to me, and finally told my husband she wants to break up with me. Not him... just me. She’s still sleeping in our bed with him, and I’m sleeping on the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from my dad asking if I was a porno actress. I am. FML

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By man2 - Ireland

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was unsuccessful at a job interview, and she didn't want to be with someone who "has no future". She's unemployed too. FML

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By smileydays - Canada - Merritt

Today, I had an oral English exam to present in front of three teachers. Halfway through, I completely lost my voice. They failed me because they thought I was trying to play a prank. FML

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By "Marlon4136"

Today, as an usher at a beauty pageant, I was helping other patrons when a group walked past me and sat. I politely asked to see their tickets, but one of the women got angry and ripped hers up to throw the pieces in my face. Without a ticket, I had to kick her out. The police were called. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend and I tried to have sex in the shower. While trying to support her weight, as we got into things, I slipped backwards on the wet floor and fell through the Pyrex side of the shower, with her crashing down on me. I now have bits of Pyrex in my back and have to replace the shower side. FML

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By Guuu - France

Today, I aimed at the little blue thing placed at the bottom of the urinal. I learned the hard way that it splashes off it and makes little blue stains on jumpers. FML

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By ilovemom - United States

Today, holding my newborn baby and yearning for some affection from my mother, I asked my mom what the best day of her life was, hoping she would say the day I was born. Her answer? "The day you moved out." She was serious. FML

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By gasbrain - 5/9/2020 20:06

Buyer's market

Today, after being unemployed for a couple of months, I got a call back from a security job I did for a week. But with a new condition: besides the security work, one day in the week they want me to cut grass, paint and clean up the grounds for the same minimum wage. FML

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By dunno why we bother - United States - Tampa

Today, while on patrol with my partner, we came across a guy getting a beat-down on the sidewalk. After restraining the attacker, we helped the victim to his feet, only for him to spit at us and call us "goddamn pigs". You're welcome, sir. FML

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By thedullard - United States

Today, at the gym, I see a person laying unconscious on the ground with people crowded around. Previously being a lifeguard, and knowing CPR, I ran over and asked a man what happened, preparing to check his vitals. I then realized that the body was a dummy and the employees were doing a drill. FML

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By hottygirl905 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I found out I have a kidney infection. Now I'm forced to drink at least 4 glasses of water before going to bed. I also have to be woken up every two hours to be told to, "GO PEE BEFORE YOU DIE!" by my mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking for a parking spot and finally found one. Trying to figure out if the spot was legal, I asked a cop that had pulled up. He said it was fine. I came back 3 hours later to a parking ticket. FML

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By justabitembarrassed - United States - Chagrin Falls

Today, my boyfriend learned how to somersault. He now thinks that he's a ninja and somersaults into every room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we got a speeding ticket in the mail with my drunk daughter's picture on it. She was waving at the camera. FML

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By Anony Mous - United States

Today, my boyfriend moved. I found out when I went over to surprise him with take-out food and he was pulling out of the driveway. He flipped me off as he drove past. FML

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By bbedlock - Australia

Today, after receiving the third call this week from teachers about my son falling asleep in class, I decided that it would be a good idea to hide his Xbox controllers. He decided it would be a good idea to hide my diabetes medication. FML

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By NotKeithRichards - United States

Today, while playing a gig with my band, I tried pulling the classic "playing the guitar with one foot on the monitor" rock-star pose. However, I misjudged the height of the monitor, didn't notice the puddle of beer in front of it, slipped, and fell off the stage into the security guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rahway

Double dipping

Today, I found out that I mean nothing to the man I have loved for over a year. He has been taking vacations with another woman, and is in fact, on a vacation with her right now. FML

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By MisterMisinformed - Canada

Today, I found out that Whoopi Goldberg was NOT Oprah Winfrey's stage name. I was then laughed at for ages by my co-workers. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 17:01

Boozehounds

Today, my fiancé refused to talk to me because I'm "an alcoholic". I only started drinking like this after we moved in together and he brought me alcohol every day, because he's an alcoholic. FML

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By Puick - France - Sonchamp

Today, I went to a party organised by my ex. I was the last to sit down, after looking at the nametags on all 50+ chairs. That's how I realised the chair labelled "Fuckface" was mine; the one located between her parents' seats. FML

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By everyonehatesme - Malaysia

Today, I signed in my msn messenger. Everyone in my friends list apparently changed their status to 'busy' or 'away' when they saw me online, including my crush. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding the train home, and I sat in the row in front of a homeless woman. I noticed an old man staring at me. I got off the train after a long 6 stops, and the old man who had been staring at me walks up to me and says "The lady behind you was flicking lice onto you the whole time." FML

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By Annie

Today, the CEO of my company told me the only reason I'm being sent to this huge tech conference is because the company will look better with a girl there. I'm expected to stay out until 4am with creepy rich business partners to stroke their egos. FML

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By FoundMyLighter - United States

Today, my jeep wouldn't start so I opened the hood. I slammed my fingers in my jeep's hood. It latched shut. My hood release was inside the cab, and the jeep was in neutral and on an incline. It started to roll... with a ditch about 5 yards away. I had to skin my own fingers to get them out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while walking my dog, we came across two men having a heated argument in the street. My dog decided the perfect place to poop was right next to them. He wouldn't budge no matter what. Meanwhile, one of the men pulled a knife, and I practically shat myself. FML

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By Hopeless

Today, I found out the real reason why me and my boyfriend of four and a half months have "so much in common". He used to be my stalker, who followed me around in a black hoodie and always posted stuff on my Myspace as an anonymous person. FML

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Top comments

By hpand | 5

#7736396 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 20:38

Repeat after me, this font is the real FML.

By Kelsie Lynn Christensen | 13

#7736389 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 20:25

Still hate this font

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7736313 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 17:58

Looks like you have to stick with dirty underdrawers for now. Or stick to them, eeeeeeeewwww!

By Kelsie Lynn Christensen | 13

#7736389 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 20:25

Still hate this font

By hpand | 5

#7736396 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 20:38

Repeat after me, this font is the real FML.

By weaboo | 12

#7736443 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 22:01

I’ll translate this for normal people who can’t read the shitty font: Today, I used a new fragrance free hypoallergenic laundry detergent for my underwear as I have sensitive skin. I got a rash

By CRC_101 | 31

#7736447 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 22:07

If it burns, maybe you should consider the fact that perhaps it's not the detergent that's giving you a rash in that area...

By slytheryn | 14

#7736515 - Wednesday 12 December 2018 1:54

Used up 89% of my brains energy trying to read this

By Charlie Given | 23

#7736545 - Wednesday 12 December 2018 4:46

I had the same issues but it turned out I was allergic to synthetic fibers not detergents so I just ware all cotton clothes 😊

By 1ninjanina | 7

#7736550 - Wednesday 12 December 2018 5:14

Why is the font so terrible? It’s just cursive. No one can read cursive?

By horsebabe86 | 11

#7736552 - Wednesday 12 December 2018 5:30

You deserve it for using this font!

By crsyldy | 19

#7736555 - Wednesday 12 December 2018 5:43

It’s not the cursive, it’s that’s it’s too small and horrible resolution, it’s blurry! Please please stop using this.