The Top

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The all-time greatest FMLs

Spillage

By haytia22 - 24/07/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I learned that when your gas nozzle does not automatically stop by itself the way it's supposed to, they will continue to charge your credit card as the gas overflows out of your tank until someone notices and yells, "Turn the gas off!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 350

You deserved it 52 426

Not now, Dave

By randomdude3890 - 11/02/2015 04:58 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my caring way too much about proper grammar got out of hand when I corrected my girlfriend during a talk about her dying grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 345

You deserved it 38 165

By harrypottermuch - 26/11/2009 11:50 - Canada

Today, I found out there's a Harry Potter club at my school. My boyfriend is in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 345

You deserved it 43 115

By ElamentalAngel - 06/05/2009 17:04 - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old nephew was sitting on my knee at the computer. He was annoying me as he kept on pressing all the buttons. To scare him off I did a creepy voice in his ear that makes him cry. He turned round and broke my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 344

You deserved it 83 918

By angrypetowner - 29/03/2016 03:24 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I tried to train my cat to scratch the scratching post by giving her a treat every time she used it, but she took that as getting a treat every time she scratched something. Now, not only does she scratch all my furniture, but she also meows for a treat while doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 331

You deserved it 4 875

By Anonymous - 22/03/2016 18:37 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, and for the 4 months preceding it, my neighbors had been remodeling their house, which meant jackhammer noises every morning. The one day they take a break, my other neighbor decides to start a remodeling project. It'll only be two more months of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 325

You deserved it 1 193

By Anonymous - 07/05/2016 01:40 - United States - Walnut

Today, I walked in on my mom in the bathroom, washing a dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 323

You deserved it 2 461

By Anonymous - 22/01/2016 19:00 - United States - Royersford

Today, I got locked out of my house. After trying unsuccessfully to jimmy the lock, I managed to climb in through the kitchen window. I soon found out I had an effect on the door after all; it won't open at all any more, even with the right key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 322

You deserved it 5 759

Sexy moves

By what sex life? - 02/08/2016 06:26 - United States - Nashville

Today, while in the shower with my boyfriend, I tried to heat things up by washing his knob with my loofa. He couldn't stop laughing and eventually laughed so hard that he slipped and fell. He now has a bruised butt while I have a missing toenail from catching his fall. Ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 316

You deserved it 2 910

By copshop - 10/11/2011 11:40 - United States

Today, I was working the graveyard shift as a security guard. I fell asleep in my car doing paperwork around 2 am. When my supervisor came to check on me, he pounded on my window, wearing a "Scream" mask. I panicked and pepper sprayed him. Too bad my window was closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 299

You deserved it 36 067

By mog907 - 25/07/2016 18:31 - United States - Wasilla

Today, I got fired from my first job because of the herpes on my lip. It was actually a second degree burn from soup that splashed on to my lips when I was serving it but my manager doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 298

You deserved it 1 248

By Anonymous - 28/07/2009 01:20 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a coffee shop when the weird guy who had been pacing the store talking to himself approached our table. He looked at me, and in all seriousness, said, "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your butt crack is showing." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 292

You deserved it 45 066

Awkward

By Anonymous - 22/10/2011 23:26 - United States

Today, my mother came into my room and had a thirty minute long conversation with me. She kept looking very nervous and uncomfortable. Only after she left did I realize that a porn site was open on my computer screen. The entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 291

You deserved it 51 696

No refunds, no returns

By Gabi - 09/01/2010 18:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent about half an hour trying to decide whether to buy a top, because even though it was lovely, it was really expensive. Eventually, after deciding to buy it because I could always return it if I changed my mind, I got home and realised I'd left it on the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 290

You deserved it 32 437

By jkon - 04/08/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, I texted my girlfriend and told her I was mowing my lawn. She responded, "It's about time, it keeps getting caught in my teeth!" I was referring to the lawn outside of my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 288

You deserved it 54 446

By lonely - 11/01/2016 21:04 - United States - Twin Falls

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Whilst browsing the web, I clicked on an ad that said "How to Get Your Ex Back in a Day". Now I am single and have a computer virus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 284

You deserved it 22 625

By ihatelife - 14/05/2011 23:17 - Canada

Today, I was trying to listen to a phone message I'd received. I was excited because I'd been waiting for the coaches to call me back for tryouts for a week now. Trying to figure out how to listen to it, I ended up deleting it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 282

You deserved it 28 488

By Anonymous - 10/01/2012 03:30 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Afterwards, he said he was in love with me and that he wants to be with me forever. It was also at this time I realised that I can't stand him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 271

You deserved it 38 851

By Anonymous - 14/05/2015 02:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I got sick of my flatmate stealing my food so I decided to sabotage a leftover pizza with laxatives. I came back home later in the evening after a night of heavy drinking. Guess what I had to eat in my drunken stupor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 267

You deserved it 36 973

I hate Mondays

By Leaving Early Fail - 12/01/2009 20:34 - United States

Today, moments after leaving early, my boss emails me asking if I'm in the office. After an illegal U-turn, running a stop sign, parking in a visitor spot, and sneaking back to my desk, I find out she was locked out of the building but had since found her keys and let herself back in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 262

You deserved it 11 737

By Anonymous - 27/02/2016 11:17 - United States

Today, I forgot to bring my lunch to work. I got so hungry, I resorted to eating antacid tablets from the medicine cabinet for lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 257

You deserved it 6 344

By Mofisto - 15/02/2009 10:43 - United States

Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 255

You deserved it 89 037

By Anonymous - 06/06/2009 02:22 - United States

Today, I was on a double date at a restaurant with two friends of mine and a guy I really liked. Things started getting really quiet so I decided to start talking to make things a little bit less awkward even though I was eating. I ended up spitting a piece of chicken across the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 255

You deserved it 45 103

By lostintellct - 11/05/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, I had a hour long conversation with someone I apparently was friends with a few years ago. I couldn't remember who he was for the life of me, so I just played along. Finally, I told him I didn't remember him. He had the wrong number. I had a long conversation with a wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 248

You deserved it 51 257

By Nerrh - 12/03/2011 10:53 - Australia

Today, I tickled my girlfriend, and her first reflex was to swing her elbow back and break my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 246

You deserved it 33 680

By DOCMONROE - 30/09/2013 22:51 - United States - Marion

Today, my body-building addiction hit a whole new level when I begged my friend to sell me her breast milk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 245

You deserved it 45 530

By Zeco - 05/02/2011 22:54 - United States

Today, I was driving to work when I was almost hit by a teenage driver. I gave her the finger and shouted "F*** you!" making sure that she heard me. I then saw my boss glaring at me from the passenger seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 244

You deserved it 42 203

By mrteacher - 21/08/2009 22:15 - United States

Today, I was driving to work and I had to pee really badly. I am a teacher and my school was another 20 miles so I stopped on the side of the road. About halfway through, a bus full of laughing kids went by. They were all my students. My pants were down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 239

You deserved it 47 305

By Crispy - 21/06/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend talked me into tanning in a tanning bed for the first time ever. I have never tanned before and didn't know you are supposed to ease into it. I tanned for 15 minutes in the "super bed" and have lobstered. My ass and nuts got the worst of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 238

You deserved it 46 147

Get it off!

By chocofreak - 10/05/2009 10:23 - United States

Today, I work at a chocolate factory on the sanitation shift. I was under a machine cleaning and a spider fell on me. I started freaking out and a coworker thought I got caught in the moving parts and frantically pulled me out and alerted my boss. Turns out it was just a piece of caramel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 237

You deserved it 44 984

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The Top

Today, I went to the airport to pick up my friend. It wasn't until I got there that I realized I'd come on the wrong day. Her flight arrived yesterday, so that explains her radio silence for the past two days. I just thought she was in transit, but turns out she's pissed at me and wants me to pay for the Uber ride she had to take home from the airport. FML

I agree, your life sucks 127

You deserved it 607

Today, I received my first customer complaint. It said, "I am a regular customer and when I come in, he is always smiling and tells me he will see me soon when I leave. This makes me feel very uncomfortable." Now I'm under investigation for sexual harassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 480

You deserved it 175

Today, I learned that I'm not crazy and my neck is actually swollen, albeit due to seasonal allergies and not something very serious. I feel like the "Wide Neck Mugshot" guy, only much more lame. I can't describe how uncomfortable it is, other than it feels like something's trying to break out of there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 344

You deserved it 80

Today, my mother-in-law tried to "accidentally" run me over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 402

You deserved it 4 211

Today, my aunt, whom I live with, told me she is going to move out and demanded her half of the rent back, as she only spent two days a week there. When I told her that's not how rent works, she called my mom to tell her what a failure she had raised. Her own sons are unemployed drug addicts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 632

You deserved it 2 129

Today, at work, I was asked to sharpen some pencils. I'm an electronics and mechanics engineer, and while I understand it's been quite a while since I was in primary school, I still wonder why my boss felt the need to explain in minute detail how to sharpen a pencil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 742

You deserved it 2 960