Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man.... - FML

By Mofisto - United States

Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML

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Serious times

Time don't heal nothing

Booty pic

By dragonstooth257

Today, I'm so bad at people skills when I got a call to set up a job interview, I weirded the lady out so much that she trailed off when talking about emailing me a time. This took 2 minutes to achieve. A new record. I still haven't got an email. FML

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By Sally - United States

Today, my roommate came home and began changing clothes in the same room that my boyfriend and I were in. I quickly got annoyed and angry and when I began questioning her about it she just laughed while saying, "Oh relax, it's not like he's never seen me naked before." FML

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By tubby - Sweden - Karlskrona

Today, my friend showed off her new tattoo, which is supposed to say "bad bitch" in Italian, and I had to point out that it actually says "defective female". Her response was to cuss me out and inform me that I'm no longer part of her social circle. FML

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By blowinchunks - Canada

Today, I found a mealworm in my cornflakes. I had already finished most of the bowl. I didn't make it to the toilet to throw up. FML

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By vikingunicorn - Canada

Today, I was feeling very ill after a severe anxiety attack. I asked my boyfriend to hold my hand until I fell asleep. He said he couldn't because he needed both hands to play on his gameboy. FML

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By Samantha

Today, I discovered that my parents made a game out of my mental illness. Every morning, they have a bet on which one of them can make me cry first. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I couldn't get to work because I couldn't find my car keys. It turns out, my mother took them and put them "somewhere safe." She can't remember where they are. FML

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By NotYourDaddy

Today, my 17-year-old employee accidentally called me "Dad". We all got a good laugh from it and went on with our days. Later, after getting her some coins for her cash drawer, she playfully said, "Thanks, Daddy." The customer she was serving? My wife. FML

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By fartlover - Canada

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's apartment and I smelled a delicious aroma as I walked in so I asked him what he was cooking. His response was, "I'm not cooking anything. I just farted." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

Today, my mom tried to convince me to throw out my insulin shots because she read a chain email that claimed they "cause cancer". FML

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By O - Sweden

Today, my boss called me, furious about how I "never answer my phone", especially when important clients are trying to reach me, and how unprofessional I am. I make very sure to never miss any calls, my boss just keeps giving out the wrong number to people. FML

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By clostar - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had sex with a guy I met at a party and passed out in his bed. When I woke up at 3 am, he sat up and said, "You're still here?" FML

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By Lickmebaby - United Kingdom - Enfield

Today, I woke up to see my 8-year-old cousin licking my hand. All of it. FML

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By hello to you too - United States - New York

Today, I met my new 7ft tall and heavily muscular neighbor. Before I could say anything, he greeted me in his really deep voice with, "Excuse me, but is this yours?" He was holding my muddy 3-year-old son, who he'd found in his backyard, by his jumpers like a stuffed cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2020 14:00

Nice neighborhood

Today, after my ex broke up with me, I threw out all the clothes he’d bought me before, which was basically my entire wardrobe. Anyway, this creepy guy who lives a few blocks away seems to be wearing my old clothes and waves my bras and panties at me. It’s gross and creepy. FML

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By Old? - United States

Today, a student of mine used the phrase "well, you know, like back in your day" about defining "going out". I'm only 24. FML

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By Jared - United States

Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML

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By RachelVanLannen9 - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought a pogo stick. Now he rides it more than he rides me. FML

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By thanksalot - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that my grandma died, expecting to be comforted. She got mad at me for "stealing her thunder" because her cat died two days ago. FML

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By cuppincake - Australia

Today, I decided to tell my husband our marriage was over after I found out that he'd not only been stealing from me, but he'd also been downloading child porn. He then asked if we could break up but live in the same house so I could help pay his bills. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife stopped halfway through a blowjob to check a notification on her phone for a game. FML

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By cpmolly - United States - Omaha

Today, I was waiting in line with my boyfriend behind me. I decided to hold his hand and rub his chest while we waited. Then I heard a female voice behind me that said, "Ma'am, please don't touch me." FML

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By IHopeYourDogsGetDiarrheaAndPoopOnYourBed - Mauritius

Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister and me. FML

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By sickness_sucks - Canada - Abbotsford

Today, I learned that if you're going to use vicks vapor rub for a cold, you should remember to wash your hands before changing your tampon. FML

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By loveless - United States

Today, I surprised my girlfriend with U2 tickets. Still no action. FML

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By moon_paw - United States

Today, I realized that I am dating a 25 year old man-child. He turns 13 whenever he sees my boobs, complete with big eyes and saying "honk honk" whenever he touches them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend found a picture of herself on a website filled with pictures of thin people. I was in the picture, also. I was crossed-out with the word, "EWW" written next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Hamilton

Today, at archery practice, I jokingly said that I'd kiss the next person to get a bullseye. They all made a point of missing their targets, some even shooting their arrows way off to the side. FML

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By wowzer - Puerto Rico - Gurabo

Today, I went on a date with the world's biggest lightweight. She got blind drunk on wine before dessert, and slurred, "You look like... like a black... blueberry." Amused, I said, "You mean a blackberry?" She stared at me for several long seconds, confused, then passed out. Check please. FML

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By Chip - Australia

Today, I went to a cosmetic dentist and got a chip in my tooth filled in that I’d had since I was 7. I went out later and my friend jokingly hit my head against the table a few times to make fun of me showing off my teeth. He slipped. I fell. I now have 2 chipped teeth and a broken nose. FML

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By cjw - United States

Today, my psychopathic ex-girlfriend spray-painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van, knowing damn well I have to park it in front of an elementary school on a daily basis to pick up my daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, trying to pocket a little extra cash for himself, my dad responded to multiple babysitting ads on Craigslist, accepting them all on my behalf. I despise children with all my heart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove to buy new sneakers to work out and lose weight. Coming out of the store, I saw someone had parked too close to me. I had to beg a stranger to back my car out for me, because no matter how I tried, I couldn't get into the driver's seat. FML

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By nightowl506 - United States

Today, I received gorgeous orchids from my long distance boyfriend. I was excited about it and told my parents. They still are convinced I have no boyfriend and I mailed the flowers to myself. FML

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By Odds in my favour

Today, I put out a public ad for a dancing buddy. No pictures, just a brief description of what I was looking for. A guy answered and we started chatting. The more he revealed, the more familiar he sounded. Yep! That's him! My stalker from 10 years ago. Guess I have to move. FML

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By beepbeep

Today, after being kicked out of my racist family, my boyfriend and I moved across the country to rent an apartment with my sister. My mother hates us so much she offered to buy my sister a new car to not take us in. FML

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By oh ffs - United States

Today, I met with my Bolivian friend, who's vacationing here for a few weeks. Eager to show him how welcoming we are in the USA, I took him home and introduced him to my parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "Bolivia? That's in Europe, right? We saved your asses in World War 2." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I worked a full day and then went to a three-hour class. I got home at 9 PM, and before the door closed I heard, "There's a sink full of dishes for you." There are three able-bodied men in the house, all of whom got here hours ago and created that sink full of dishes. FML

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By trollbot13 - India - Hyderabad

Today, I was fired from my job because I, in my bosses words, "Abided by company policy to such an extent that customers were starting to hate me." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got stood up by all five of my friends. I had to spend two hours getting hit on by a guy because I didn't feel safe to drive home. Their excuse? They didn't think I was serious when I said I was already at the bar. FML

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Top comments

By Arbosis | 0

#2534 - Monday 16 February 2009 5:08

wtf

why where you in a lesbian bar?

By that_one_guy | 0

#2357 - Sunday 15 February 2009 15:54

I bet he was doing the highly credited and validated attack plan of "scoping out for bis."

Of course I'm kidding about highly credited and validated bit but never the less.

And I wouldn't worry to much about you loosing the fight, unless some mates saw it happen, some of those women can be pretty fierce.

COMMENTS

By Amkii | 0

#2326 - Sunday 15 February 2009 12:38

What kind of fight was it? lol

Reply

cassdede | 0

#933394 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 23:17

the questionbis why were u at a lesbian barr??

Reply

zooba22 | 0

#973948 - Sunday 4 April 2010 13:40

what kind of a so called 'man' picks fights with girls?

Reply

xshadyshadow | 0

#991521 - Thursday 13 May 2010 2:56

I was thinking the same thing.
O.O

Haha for you OP

Reply

baxeh | 29

#5845033 - Friday 31 January 2014 20:28

It was a fist fight

By suyci | 0

#2331 - Sunday 15 February 2009 12:56

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

SparkleyTurtle | 4

#4571935 - Saturday 16 June 2012 2:48

All that jicama makes them nice and strong!

By that_one_guy | 0

#2357 - Sunday 15 February 2009 15:54

I bet he was doing the highly credited and validated attack plan of "scoping out for bis."

Of course I'm kidding about highly credited and validated bit but never the less.

And I wouldn't worry to much about you loosing the fight, unless some mates saw it happen, some of those women can be pretty fierce.

Reply

MeleMallory | 0

#3293536 - Thursday 15 September 2011 12:40

Yeah, if a bi girl is at a lesbian bar, she probably doesn't want to go home with a guy.

By bobdole | 0

#2372 - Sunday 15 February 2009 18:32

i like turtles

Reply

thirdbase1733 | 0

#909909 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 5:11

no...

Reply

ritchgirl1 | 0

#2033284 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 18:11

hahhaahah! priceless!

Reply

ermkrmr | 0

#2281077 - Saturday 2 April 2011 7:53

turtles are even better if they're AWKWARD

Reply

zeldagirl77 | 7

#5862166 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:42

I like trains.

By moxy_fml | 0

#2374 - Sunday 15 February 2009 18:54

Wow man that's brutal! wrestlers are wrestlers, no matter the gender, I guess.

By Mbpiratedude | 0

#2398 - Sunday 15 February 2009 20:36

You hit a girl? Ahhhhhhhhhahahaha. Hope you got a good sock in before you went down.

Reply

aussie_gemini | 5

#2229445 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 15:20

lmao this cracked me up!

I'm surprised a bunch of feminists didn't jump on you for this tho haha

By Imdead | 0

#2414 - Sunday 15 February 2009 22:17

You're worthless.

By alwaysalady | 0

#2425 - Sunday 15 February 2009 22:54

When you're picking fights with lesbians, that's a neon sign you've had one too many.

By Switch_fml | 0

#2426 - Sunday 15 February 2009 22:56

> I'm a man

So are they.

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#2462 - Monday 16 February 2009 0:28

Yeah, I kicked your ass. You know it.