Miscellaneous: Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man.... - FML

By Mofisto - United States

Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML

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There's no helping some people

Public transport FTW

Hang in there

By bad surprise - United States

Today, I went to surprise my boyfriend in the shower. I opened the door and there was a giant shit in the open toilet. I pretended I was looking for my hairbrush. FML

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By 41k312

Today, while joking with my coworkers about how I shouldn't be trusted with a stapler because I managed to accidentally staple my finger last week, I stapled another finger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bliss

Today, I had a half-hour conversation with my parents about going to college. I don't know what's worse, that they were trying to talk me out of it or that they're convinced that I'm going to get knocked up and drop out by the end of my freshman year. FML

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By DreamsDontComeTrue - United States - Newport News

Today, my professor cancelled class so I turned off my alarm. When I woke up, I checked my email again. There was no email from my professor. It was a dream. FML

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By Bad Cat

Today, I saw my cat playing in the other room. Fascinated, I watched him for a few minutes before I realized he was playing with one of my daughter's fish. Well, what was left of it. FML

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By sdd - Switzerland - Lotzwil

Today, I was chatting with my choir leader. I told him that I have been thinking about taking singing lessons. His immediate reaction was, "Thank god, finally!" FML

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By Anonymous - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, after weeks of being engaged and with the wedding date planned, I finally told my parents. They told me it was my best April Fool's joke ever. I should've waited one more day. FML

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By cgold - United States

Today, I met my paternal grandfather for the first time. I’ve spent the last three months tracking him down. I poured my heart out and told about how much this meant to me. He told me I had a nice rack and asked for a cigarette. FML

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By justkillm3 - United States

Today, I came home after ten hours at work to find my unemployed wife and 4 kids sprawled out watching TV waiting for me to get home and cook for them. I had to wash all the dishes first because they didn't feel like getting up or helping. FML

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By suspended - Australia

Today, while I was working customer support, a lady hung up on me mid-sentence, and I trailed off, saying "…aaannnddd you hung up on me like a bitch." Turned out she was still on the line and had just accidentally hit mute. FML

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By singleladynow - United States

Today, I bought something special at Victoria's Secret, then sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for 2 hours to get to my boyfriend's house. When I got there, he broke up with me. We're 37 years old and he actually gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech. FML

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By Reena - Canada

Today, I got woken up by a text from an unknown number at 3 am saying, "haha I found your number." I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep. After hours of trying to fall asleep, my drowsiness was disturbed by another text from the same person saying, "Sorry, wrong number." FML

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By jess - South Africa

Today, I had a sip of my coffee and felt a lump of some kind enter my mouth. I thought it was a bit of biscuit, and then remembered I didn't have biscuits this morning with my coffee. I took it out of my mouth and it was a huge black fly. I then spat the rest of my coffee all over my laptop. FML

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By WaffleJesus - United States

Today, my husband is sulking because I wouldn't let him do what he's always wanted to do: throw our cat out the second floor window to see if she would land safely and on all fours. FML

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By Justmyluck

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, “I need to check something down there.” I asked what but he just smiled and showed me the piece of gum he was chewing. He took a look and left to get the scissors. FML

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By agnosticstudy - United States

Today, I met a woman that I've been emailing and trading pics with for over a month. We had a face to face, she was surprisingly overweight, and the sun hit her face in a way that radiated all her facial hair. FML

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By dumb cats - 24/10/2020 05:01 - United States - Victorville

No, Drake, no

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking near a pond when we saw a drake forcefully mating with a duck. She burst into tears and demanded I stop them. When I told her no, that it’s just nature and thats how they breed, she dumped me for supporting and "enabling rape." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Global stinking

Today, my boyfriend told me he thinks brushing his teeth and doing anything basically hygienic is unnecessary now, because, "we're all going to die out around about 2050 anyway." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store with my mom's boyfriend. We were in the bread aisle when he picked up a loaf that was in my hand, and said, "No, no, you have to FEEL the bread," and started rubbing it all over his body. He's moving in next week. FML

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By fuck you retail - United States - San Francisco

Today, a girl at my tanning salon was ranting about how expensive it was and how she wished there was a cheaper way to get a tan. I joked, "Like from the sun?" She angrily called me a "sassy bitch", screamed to my boss about me, and then threatened to sue us when he kicked her out. FML

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By MetalAtlas - United States

Today, I had to sell my only means of transportation, my 92 Chrysler Lebaron to a junking company because the transmission blew. When the guy finally got there, I had to shovel out the 5 feet of snow around my car, help him push it, and help him hook it up. Then his dog bit me. I only got $100. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally moved all my boxes into my new apartment. I was settling in when my alarm clock that was stashed in one of the boxes began ringing. Two hours and several boxes later, I still can't find it. FML

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By CaddyWhack

Today, after a couple of months of enjoying an informal parking arrangement with a local bank, I found out they sold their extra lot without telling me. The new owner's towing company heard about the deal, though. FML

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By taurus05 - United States

Today, I was talking to my fellow coworker about how nervous I was about sleeping with this guy I really liked. She's been constantly giving me advice about him for months, but today she said "Oh don't worry, he isn't that good in bed anyway." FML

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By Oops - United States - Augusta

Today, I was at Walmart when I saw my grandpa in the next aisle looking at magazines. Wanting to surprise him, I ran up behind him and hugged him around the middle. Up close, I realized he wasn't my grandpa. FML

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By jwhizzle - Australia

Today, I found my "lost" bicycle in my best friend's garage. I've been having to catch two buses to get to work for the past few months. FML

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By wastedlove - United States

Today, I had sex with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave I decided to give him one last thrill. So I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out, when I asked why, he points behind me, my mom watched the whole thing. FML

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By brokedad - United States

Today, I was questioned by police for forcing a 12-year-old to get in my car. That 12-year-old is my daughter, who refused to get in until I agree to buy her a highly expensive purse just to become popular. FML

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By ohwell - United States - Arlington

Today, I handed in my 2 weeks notice, since I have to leave for college soon. My boss told me it was fine, then cut all my remaining shifts. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Pontypool

Today, my grandmother yet again asked where my grandfather is. She refuses to believe us when we tell her that he passed away 6 years ago. She always insists that he's out cheating on her and accuses us of lying to cover his arse. FML

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By Sam - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, my colleagues were excitedly talking about going for drinks after work. I heard one of them ask, Is Sam coming?' and shortly after leave without me. I'm Sam. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2020 02:00 - United States

Numb

Today, I noticed that my mom had left the house without her cell phone. I called her phone to let her know she forgot it. FML

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By dirtyhands - United States

Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom busted in my room to ask if I'm okay because she thought the squeaking was my crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML

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By Thewatcher - Mauritius

Today, I tried to download some network-monitoring software for the office as I suspect that one of my staff has been constantly downloading torrents. It wouldn't download because someone was using all the bandwidth. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Dronten

Today, I worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend that I love her. She made a face like she'd just sucked on a lemon and said, "Um... yay, I guess...?" and awkwardly left the room. FML

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By BadLuckBetty - United States - Millville

Today, after weeks of flirting with the hot guy at the gym, he finally asked me to meet up with him outside. I was diagnosed with strep throat just hours before our date. FML

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By livingamongtheflowers - United States

Today, I received yet another rejection letter from a college I'd applied to. After crying for a week about how lousy I felt, my older sister gave me all 6 of the acceptance letters she'd been hiding. Turns out she's been forging rejection letters and keeping the real ones in her room. FML

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By TGIkaty - United States

Today, I told my mom I loved her and she asked if I was going to kill myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I was sitting at a bus stop reading a book when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a middle-aged lady in a leopard-skin coat stumble up to me. She stopped, belched twice, and unleashed a torrent of red wine colored vomit onto my bag. It was 8:45 am. FML

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By Yum - France

Today, I realised that the steamy photos that I took with my ex a few months ago had not been erased from his father's camera. FML

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Top comments

By Arbosis | 0

#2534 - Monday 16 February 2009 5:08

wtf

why where you in a lesbian bar?

By that_one_guy | 0

#2357 - Sunday 15 February 2009 15:54

I bet he was doing the highly credited and validated attack plan of "scoping out for bis."

Of course I'm kidding about highly credited and validated bit but never the less.

And I wouldn't worry to much about you loosing the fight, unless some mates saw it happen, some of those women can be pretty fierce.

COMMENTS

By Amkii | 0

#2326 - Sunday 15 February 2009 12:38

What kind of fight was it? lol

Reply

cassdede | 0

#933394 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 23:17

the questionbis why were u at a lesbian barr??

Reply

zooba22 | 0

#973948 - Sunday 4 April 2010 13:40

what kind of a so called 'man' picks fights with girls?

Reply

xshadyshadow | 0

#991521 - Thursday 13 May 2010 2:56

I was thinking the same thing.
O.O

Haha for you OP

Reply

baxeh | 29

#5845033 - Friday 31 January 2014 20:28

It was a fist fight

By suyci | 0

#2331 - Sunday 15 February 2009 12:56

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

SparkleyTurtle | 4

#4571935 - Saturday 16 June 2012 2:48

All that jicama makes them nice and strong!

By that_one_guy | 0

#2357 - Sunday 15 February 2009 15:54

I bet he was doing the highly credited and validated attack plan of "scoping out for bis."

Of course I'm kidding about highly credited and validated bit but never the less.

And I wouldn't worry to much about you loosing the fight, unless some mates saw it happen, some of those women can be pretty fierce.

Reply

MeleMallory | 0

#3293536 - Thursday 15 September 2011 12:40

Yeah, if a bi girl is at a lesbian bar, she probably doesn't want to go home with a guy.

By bobdole | 0

#2372 - Sunday 15 February 2009 18:32

i like turtles

Reply

thirdbase1733 | 0

#909909 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 5:11

no...

Reply

ritchgirl1 | 0

#2033284 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 18:11

hahhaahah! priceless!

Reply

ermkrmr | 0

#2281077 - Saturday 2 April 2011 7:53

turtles are even better if they're AWKWARD

Reply

zeldagirl77 | 7

#5862166 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:42

I like trains.

By moxy_fml | 0

#2374 - Sunday 15 February 2009 18:54

Wow man that's brutal! wrestlers are wrestlers, no matter the gender, I guess.

By Mbpiratedude | 0

#2398 - Sunday 15 February 2009 20:36

You hit a girl? Ahhhhhhhhhahahaha. Hope you got a good sock in before you went down.

Reply

aussie_gemini | 5

#2229445 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 15:20

lmao this cracked me up!

I'm surprised a bunch of feminists didn't jump on you for this tho haha

By Imdead | 0

#2414 - Sunday 15 February 2009 22:17

You're worthless.

By alwaysalady | 0

#2425 - Sunday 15 February 2009 22:54

When you're picking fights with lesbians, that's a neon sign you've had one too many.

By Switch_fml | 0

#2426 - Sunday 15 February 2009 22:56

> I'm a man

So are they.

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#2462 - Monday 16 February 2009 0:28

Yeah, I kicked your ass. You know it.