Miscellaneous: Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man.... - FML

By Mofisto - United States

Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML

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Understandable

Sorry…

Values

By Anonymous - United States - Lutz

Today, a few months after my co-worker had stopped wearing her engagement ring, I decided to put on the moves and start flirting with her. I soon found out that her fiancé had died, and that she's nowhere near over him, despite her brave face. I feel like a total asshole. FML

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By sadinthesack - United States

Today, I was making love to my girlfriend and was pretty impressed with myself for lasting through multiple songs. Then I realized her ipod was playing a medley. I only lasted 3 1/2 minutes. FML

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By simonjudy - United Kingdom

Today, my sister and I both got "good luck" cards from our aunt wishing us well on our exams. My sister's said "We know you will do well". Mine said "We will love you no matter what happens". FML

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By randinosaur - United States

Today, a cop rear-ended me. Then I received a ticket from him for driving too far under the speed limit. We were in a school zone. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend in the dark, he grabbed onto a fat roll and asked, "Is this your stomach or boob?" I didn't have the heart to tell him it was a back roll. FML

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By Username

Today, I now know why my next-door neighbour can't look me in the eye without smirking. He can hear every grunt, groan, fart and strain that happens in my bathroom from his bathroom. FML

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By idontevengetpaid - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I arrived at my internship at 7 am after three hours of sleep with a massive hangover. When I got there, my boss told me he had made a mistake and I was meant to come in next week. He then said, "Well, now that you're here, you might as well get some work done. Come in next week as well." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I offered to let my niece and brother stay at my apartment, as my brother was going through a rough divorce and had lost his job. After coming home from work, I found my niece had snapped all of my pencils and had ruined over ten years worth of artwork. FML

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By Whoopsie

Today, I had to call 911 and explain to the operator that my girlfriend orgasmed so hard she had a seizure and passed out. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Stuttgart

Today, after taking my crush to the train station late at night, I sat in a local park alone with my thoughts for a while. Two cops appeared out of nowhere and started searching me for drugs and weapons, asking me questions for a good 30 minutes. Not the kind of action I expected tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while emailing my very young, attractive teacher to ask a question, my hand slipped. Too bad you can't unsend emails that say "Can we meet after school some time? I have some thongs I'd like to discuss with you." FML

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By blackandblue - United States

Today, I was waiting for a friend to pick me up. It was after dark and I was nervous, so when he pulled up I immediately jumped in the car. The young girl in the driver's seat started freaking out, screaming and punching me in the face repeatedly. I'd accidentally gotten in the wrong car. FML

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By professionalmedicineman - United States - Arlington

Today, it was my first day at my new job as a receptionist at a small doctor's office. When the doctor's wife called and asked if he'd stepped out, I forgot the word "Doctor" and instead replaced it with, "medicine man". FML

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By Parade - United States

Today, I was on the bus, it hit a bump on the road and made me hit a elderly man. The bus driver thought I did it on purpose and made me get off. FML

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By furryfriend - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was home sick and playing with my dog. I suddenly felt the urge to throw up, so I sprinted to the bathroom. My dog thought this was an invitation to chase me and tackle me to the floor. FML

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By Leijabug

Today, my best friend and I decided to dye our hair blue. We didn’t mean to also dye the ceiling, walls, shower, or floor. We DEFINITELY didn’t mean to dye our faces the day before school pictures that cannot be rescheduled. FML

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By bells - United States

Today, at the office, after a heavy night of drinking, I had to hear my boss walk around with bells attached to her shoes. She circled the office a total of 34 times today. FML

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By anon - United States - Germantown

Today, I have learned a lot of "big" words from reading so much, but can actually only pronounce about half of them correctly. FML

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By wherermypants - United States - Austin

Today, I discovered that when I'm drunk, I hate wearing clothes. And it doesn't matter who is around to see it, not even my soon-to-be father-in-law. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started an awesome job with competitive pay. I also found out that the place is closing its doors in June. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Bugging out

Today, I'm allergic to not only bug spray, but also mosquitos. I'm staying at a bug-infested lake for 5 days. FML

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By jeeperspeepers - United States

Today, my brother's best friend spent the night and was changing with the door partially open. He's super hot and as I was watching him change, he sneezed. Forgetting he didn't know I was watching him, I said bless you. He called me a freak, slammed the door in my face and told my parents. FML

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By IDIOT - United States

Today, a would-be customer practically kicked my store door in, then got pissed and started throwing around insults after I told him that we were still closed, hence the closed sign. He claimed the sign was "confusing". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked what I was doing. I replied, "What I'm always doing." She couldn't think of anything besides eating. FML

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By LittleMissRejected

Today, I learned that, even after several interviews and congratulations for getting the job, you still might not get the job. I just received an email stating that my accepted offer is now rejected. I already treated my close friends to an expensive dinner to celebrate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my two-and-a-half year anniversary with my girlfriend, a small but noble occasion. She surprised me with an invention of hers, a plate of triple-chocolate double-mint cookies topped with Andes mints. I surprised her by crashing her new Mustang into a cement divider. FML

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By Anonymous

Capitalism 101

Today, a massive septic tank that takes waste from 11 factories exploded. The wind is blowing directly towards us. Even with closed windows, no amount of perfume helps. There's no escape. People have puked. We've still got 4 hours of production and management doesn't care about the workers outside. FML

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By Dumbass Dude

Today, I pulled into a parking lot, for the car to simply shut off because I ran out of gas. Then I couldn't get the key out of the ignition, so I called my dad, who walked all the way to where I was, only to find out that the car was still in drive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Yukon

Today, I spent over $20 at the laundromat doing two weeks of laundry, just to avoid using the facilities in my apartment complex and having to deal with my creepy landlord trying to steal my underwear again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I showed up at my boyfriend's work to surprise him by speaking in Spanish, his first language. I've been taking classes secretly. He smiled, kissed me, and then finished telling his friend, in Spanish, that I'm boring and ugly but he's got nothing better going on. FML

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By ReineXre

Weirdo

Today, I went to the bathroom in a mall. As I was in the stall, a woman tried to open it. I yelled out that's it was occupied but she kept shaking it to open it. It came up to the point where she had to crawl under the door to see that I was there. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend did the whole "break up with your boyfriend and kick him out of the house" thing from the movies. Except it's my house. She kept my stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Mama's Boy

Today, my husband answered a FaceTime call from his mother not 30 seconds after sex. I was naked in bed next to him. FML

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By thank god you'll only live once - Canada - Hamilton

Today, in the lunch line at school, a kid literally ordered a "hamburger with extra swag." FML

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By anon - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend referred to his penis as 'The Eye of Sauron'. It didn't help when he pulled down his foreskin, pointed it in my direction and said 'I see you'. FML

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By Mark - United States - Knoxville

Today, I asked out a coworker I really like. She gave me a weird look and said, "You're not gay?" I said no, to which she said, "Well, I am". As it turns out, I was the only one who thought she was straight, and the only one who thought I was straight. FML

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By I need cuddles

Today, I realized that the only time my boyfriend is physically affectionate with me is when he wants to have sex. When I suggested we just cuddle, he looked at me and said, "What’s the point in that?" FML

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By letmefallasleep

Checks and balances

Today, I found out my husband has racked up $3000 on our credit cards, and ruined my credit score. When confronted, all he had to say was, "Well you didn't tell me when you bought that ten-dollar t-shirt, so I guess we're even." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2021 11:01

One law for me, one law for thee

Today, my boyfriend said he wants a poly relationship. He said he wants to sleep with other people, but I can't in case I get feelings for them. Thats not what poly means, dude. FML

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By jerdub93 - United States

Today, I was eating cereal while absentmindedly reading the box. I was amused when I found it expires on my birthday. Then I realized it expired on my birthday two years ago. FML

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Top comments

By Arbosis | 0

#2534 - Monday 16 February 2009 5:08

wtf

why where you in a lesbian bar?

By that_one_guy | 0

#2357 - Sunday 15 February 2009 15:54

I bet he was doing the highly credited and validated attack plan of "scoping out for bis."

Of course I'm kidding about highly credited and validated bit but never the less.

And I wouldn't worry to much about you loosing the fight, unless some mates saw it happen, some of those women can be pretty fierce.

COMMENTS

By Amkii | 0

#2326 - Sunday 15 February 2009 12:38

What kind of fight was it? lol

Reply

cassdede | 0

#933394 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 23:17

the questionbis why were u at a lesbian barr??

Reply

zooba22 | 0

#973948 - Sunday 4 April 2010 13:40

what kind of a so called 'man' picks fights with girls?

Reply

xshadyshadow | 0

#991521 - Thursday 13 May 2010 2:56

I was thinking the same thing.
O.O

Haha for you OP

Reply

baxeh | 29

#5845033 - Friday 31 January 2014 20:28

It was a fist fight

By suyci | 0

#2331 - Sunday 15 February 2009 12:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

SparkleyTurtle | 4

#4571935 - Saturday 16 June 2012 2:48

All that jicama makes them nice and strong!

By that_one_guy | 0

#2357 - Sunday 15 February 2009 15:54

I bet he was doing the highly credited and validated attack plan of "scoping out for bis."

Of course I'm kidding about highly credited and validated bit but never the less.

And I wouldn't worry to much about you loosing the fight, unless some mates saw it happen, some of those women can be pretty fierce.

Reply

MeleMallory | 0

#3293536 - Thursday 15 September 2011 12:40

Yeah, if a bi girl is at a lesbian bar, she probably doesn't want to go home with a guy.

By bobdole | 0

#2372 - Sunday 15 February 2009 18:32

i like turtles

Reply

thirdbase1733 | 0

#909909 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 5:11

no...

Reply

ritchgirl1 | 0

#2033284 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 18:11

hahhaahah! priceless!

Reply

ermkrmr | 0

#2281077 - Saturday 2 April 2011 7:53

turtles are even better if they're AWKWARD

Reply

zeldagirl77 | 7

#5862166 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:42

I like trains.

By moxy_fml | 0

#2374 - Sunday 15 February 2009 18:54

Wow man that's brutal! wrestlers are wrestlers, no matter the gender, I guess.

By Mbpiratedude | 0

#2398 - Sunday 15 February 2009 20:36

You hit a girl? Ahhhhhhhhhahahaha. Hope you got a good sock in before you went down.

Reply

aussie_gemini | 5

#2229445 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 15:20

lmao this cracked me up!

I'm surprised a bunch of feminists didn't jump on you for this tho haha

By Imdead | 0

#2414 - Sunday 15 February 2009 22:17

You're worthless.

By alwaysalady | 0

#2425 - Sunday 15 February 2009 22:54

When you're picking fights with lesbians, that's a neon sign you've had one too many.

By Switch_fml | 0

#2426 - Sunday 15 February 2009 22:56

> I'm a man

So are they.

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#2462 - Monday 16 February 2009 0:28

Yeah, I kicked your ass. You know it.