Today, my 3 year old nephew was sitting on my knee at the computer....

By ElamentalAngel - 6/5/2009 17:04 - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old nephew was sitting on my knee at the computer. He was annoying me as he kept on pressing all the buttons. To scare him off I did a creepy voice in his ear that makes him cry. He turned round and broke my nose. FML

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Kids

The opposite of a good idea

Yappy neighborhood

Hello everyone!

By julie - 12/11/2009 01:54 - United States

Today, I realized that if you are too lazy to get completely dressed in the morning and only put on a top, you should not answer a Skype video call from your boss that involves you standing up, turning around and grabbing files from your filing cabinet all in clear view of your web cam. FML

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By stolen - 11/4/2011 19:29 - United States

Today, I was robbed. They took my father's ashes. FML

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By nick - 18/10/2009 13:39 - Canada

Today, working my pizza delivery job, I got a $45 parking ticket for parking in a no stopping zone. I argued with the bylaw enforcement officer, but no luck. I was so pissed, I yelled at him: "You have the worst job in the world", to which he replied: " Buddy, you deliver pizza!" FML

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By Workworkwork - 30/4/2019 12:00

Today, I’m trying to scrape $65 together to get the cheapest glasses possible. My partner is equally upset because she wants a Macbook to replace her working laptop. I’m only looking because I’m getting headaches from how old my current lenses are. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2013 20:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I canceled my Gamefly account. Seems that was the only thing keeping us together. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 10:18 - Australia

Today, I swapped a shift so I didn't have to work on new year's eve. An hour later I realized I didn't have anyone to spend it with. I swapped it back. I'll be ringing in the new year with my boss. FML

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By itsgonnabealongnight... - 3/9/2011 20:52 - United States

Today, I was at my grandparents' house, when the power went out. Even though we were supplied with candles and flashlights, we still had to stumble around in the darkness. They'd left both the candles and flashlights in the pitch black, unnavigable basement. FML

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By why - 5/4/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2019 22:05

Today, I got hit on. By a high school kid. Who looks exactly like Napoleon Dynamite. That was the only time anyone has ever hit on me. FML

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By Myriam - 18/6/2012 16:05 - Maldives - Male

Today, my husband recorded me getting out of bed and sleepwalking all the way into the backyard and straight into our pool. He was too busy giggling like a schoolgirl to help me out. FML

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By nano123 - 17/4/2020 08:00

Played yourself

Today, I gave myself a hickey on my bicep just to know how it feels. I'm a 28-year-old virgin and yes, that's possible. FML

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By fuck_thisshit - 9/11/2009 10:27 - Australia

Today, we got our results for our final grade English paper on which I worked my butt off on, and also which I let my best-friend copy off from. I received a E- and two detentions for plagiarism. My friend got a A minus. All she said was "oh well, at least you tried your best". FML

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By failingdaily - 20/9/2014 02:27 - New Zealand - Paraparaumu

Today, I went on Facebook, only to see my grandpa had posted "feeling horny" with my grandma. FML

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By rain1 - 6/1/2014 02:54 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I had to explain to my parents why it is inappropriate to take selfies at a funeral. FML

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By nrelavender - 26/5/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, is the anniversary of my cat's death, so I went to visit her grave in the pet cemetery. Someone had spray-painted "Your cat sucks" on her grave. FML

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By Nemesis2747 - 24/12/2009 06:09 - United States

Today, I took a friend home from the hospital. She was on medication that made her drowsy. She fell onto her bed and asked me to help her take off some clothes since she had her winter gear on. She passes out and her roommate walks in and catches me undressing an unconscious girl. FML

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By ak - 2/3/2009 21:26 - United States

Today, I was laying with my girlfriend on the couch. I looked at her and says "You're so beautiful. How did I ever get you?" She replied, "I was drunk." FML

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By Selina - 22/6/2013 22:59 - United States - Trenton

Today, my dad invited our very cute neighbor inside to introduce him to me. I was wearing pajamas and hadn't showered in two days due to being extremely sick. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I was in a department store with my three year old daughter to buy some new jeans. I took her into the dressing room with me and as I began to take off my pants she yells, "Mommy, you can't go peepee in here!!" I am no longer welcome in that particular store. FML

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By - 1/1/2009 03:45 - France

Today, my wife and I both have blond hair and blue eyes, we just had a red headed son. FML

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By Lil_bit - 4/1/2010 05:05 - France

Today, I backed into our new garage door. The same new garage door that we purchased because I broke our old one by backing into it. FML

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By notsohandy - 3/1/2014 22:08 - Denmark - Hadsten

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML

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By thedudeman14 - 5/11/2014 22:21 - United States - Deer Park

Today, my phone died while I was on the phone with my girlfriend. When I finally got a charger, I saw a text message from her. I'm now single. FML

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By LadyLou - 3/11/2015 11:42 - Australia

Today, at work, a customer told me that my teeth would make a very pretty necklace. FML

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By TSampson - 11/6/2009 11:51 - United States

Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was "lazy." The executor read it out loud. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2013 16:38 - Switzerland - Bern

Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML

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By Chance115 - 11/9/2018 23:30

Today, my knee was dislocated. At a haunted house. By a midget. FML

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By Sam - 3/2/2012 04:00 - Canada

Today, I got punched by a man for making fun of his stutter. I didn't. I stutter too. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2017 06:00 - United States - Frederick

Today, I didn't think getting egged was a thing anymore until I found that my car got egged. FML

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By pooplife - 30/11/2014 19:32 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I sat down for a poop. The toilet seat slid off immediately, taking me with it. I lay on the bathroom floor for several moments stunned, still pooping. FML

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By crazycat - 13/5/2011 16:23 - Canada

Today, in the early hours of the morning, my cat started scratching at my legs. I got out of bed and he raced me to the stairs, tripping me. I fell all the way down and landed in cat poop. FML

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By breadcrumb - 6/7/2015 06:03 - United States - Kansas City

Today, while at work, a customer, who was also on his phone, rudely asked what kinds of bread we had for his sandwich. After I told him we had many different kinds to offer, he cut me off, told me to stop playing stupid, and stormed out after holding up a long line of people. FML

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By mackenzie_cain - 14/1/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to jail for a DUI. In a panic, I rushed to go bail him out. On the way to the jail I was stopped for running a red light. I soon joined my boyfriend in jail with my very own DUI charge. FML

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By FakeID - 6/5/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

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By anonymous - 1/11/2009 13:37 - France

Today, my dad called me for the first time in weeks. All he wanted to tell me was that Ashlee Simpson got fired from Melrose Place. Then he hung up. FML

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By Jekyll - 6/8/2019 08:00 - United States - Norwell

Today, I decided that after three days, I had to cut short my hiatus from social media. I saw a correlation between that and my anxiety going through the roof, causing my work performance to suffer. I’m so addicted to social media that in my off time, I think I was having withdrawal symptoms. FML

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By StinkyDogs - 27/3/2011 10:06 - United States

Today, on the way home from the dog groomer, my great Dane had a bout of diarrhea in the car. I slammed on the brakes and my other freshly shampooed dog slid off the seat and into the pile of crap. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2018 15:00

Today, after three weeks in the hospital for a lung infection, I was released. On the way home, another car ran a red light and T-boned my car. Back to the hospital I go. FML

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By UH-OH - 15/3/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I sat next to an attractive punk/rock guy on a plane. I decided to try to impress by playing music I thought he would like. I clicked The Who and opened a large window with the album cover, so he could see. The track then shuffled, and he was face to with a giant image of Miley Cyrus. FML

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By What am I doing with my life? - 22/5/2014 16:47 - United States - Aurora

Today, I collected my students' final essays. One of them submitted a printout of a screenshot he took with his phone. Too bad a browser address bar was still in the shot, along with a "click to read more" link at the bottom. My students are too dumb and lazy to even plagiarize properly. FML

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Top comments

By Cg3780byoch | 0

#174953 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:07

a-hole...why would you want to make a 3 year old cry?

By skitz | 0

#174932 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:02

haha, looks like he doesn't have to worry about creepers.

Comments

By skitz | 0

#174932 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:02

haha, looks like he doesn't have to worry about creepers.

rends | 0

#1175246 - Monday 2 August 2010 8:23

FALCONPUNCH!

By phoyos | 0

#174933 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:03

looks like that kid knows what to do to strangers at any rate

victoriaSwaqq | 0

#2336599 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 11:18

hahaha

By tigersoccer19 | 0

#174941 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

fallcakes | 0

#1279436 - Saturday 21 August 2010 11:31

lmfao @ loer

By Cg3780byoch | 0

#174953 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:07

a-hole...why would you want to make a 3 year old cry?

By Kamazar | 0

#174954 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:09

Here, Johnny, have some... caaaaandy! *shudders*

By theluckygirl28 | 8

#174955 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:08

Haha!
OWNED!!
But I do have experience with little kids who do that (play with computer keys when you don't want them too) so yea, FYL

By evanwilliams | 4

#174957 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:10

You must have a very fragile nose.

By lnm701 | 0

#174960 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:10

You're kind of a terrible person.

brenkite | 5

#4371185 - Monday 30 April 2012 1:34

Kind of?

GaylyStraight | 10

#6332635 - Friday 26 June 2015 8:56

props to OP. kids suck

By aquariusbeauty | 0

#174966 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:11

LOL!

By oh_dee | 0

#174967 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:10

wow, he must have a really hard head...