Kids: Today, my 3 year old nephew was sitting on my knee at the computer....

By ElamentalAngel - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old nephew was sitting on my knee at the computer. He was annoying me as he kept on pressing all the buttons. To scare him off I did a creepy voice in his ear that makes him cry. He turned round and broke my nose. FML

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Kids

The smell detective is on the case

My booze

Miss me yet?

By constantine - United States

Today, I wanted to go clubbing with my friends. I started drinking at home to save on the price of drinks, instead I fell asleep on my couch. FML

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By legallyblondemad - United Kingdom

Today, I was at the park with my new boyfriend. We were sitting between some trees, when some of his mates turned up at the park. He pushed me behind a tree so his mates wouldn't see and went to join them in a game of football. He pretended not to know me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom picked my ex-boyfriend up early from school to take him to see a special screening of a documentary that's showing in town. She left me after school for an hour and a half because they ended up going out for coffee afterwards. FML

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By Anonymous

Driven

Today, I drove 3 hours to get to a class, just to have the professor leave a note on the classroom door saying that she wasn't coming. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a hobo threw up on my car while at a red light. He then asked me for money. FML

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By chelserusera - United States

Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML

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By tb351 - United States

Today, I asked my kids if I looked good before going to work. Smiling, they told me I looked wonderful. It wasn't until I got to work and looked into the mirror until I noticed my left eyebrow was gone. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned there's no feeling quite as painful as being stuck on the toilet at 2 a.m. and hearing your dog sneak into your room and eat your dinner, all while being completely powerless to stop it. FML

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By PokeWife - United States - Omaha

Today, my husband started a conversation with, "In Pokémon" and ended the same conversation with "and that's why we should divorce." FML

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By lonelygirl - Canada - London

Today, my boyfriend promised me he wouldn't leave me alone in Niagara. I'm currently sitting alone in the hotel room drinking a bottle of wine while he gambles away money he doesn't have. FML

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By robotzzz - France

Today, I asked a co-worker out for a drink. She said yes, then my older brother who was visiting decided to come behind me and pull down my pants in front of the office. Then she said no. FML

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By sincerely depressed. - United States - Fremont

Today, at work, I decided to make things more interesting, so when I called people I used a fake accent. As I was using an Australian accent, the person I was talking to asked me where in Australia I was from. I desperately replied, "Where the kangaroos are..." I'm now jobless. FML

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By whatproject - United States

Today, I was offered to attend a Buddhist ceremony by one of my regular customers. Not wanting to offend the couple, I made an excuse about have a project for oceanography. Surprise, the husband is an oceanographer and wants to help me with my imaginary project. Karma much? FML

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By trash80

This is why we shop online!

Today, while checking out at Target, I had the choice of standing behind one lady or a long line. Naturally, I chose the former. Half an hour later, the long line had completely passed, and I was still standing behind the lady, who was now arguing with the cashier. FML

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By Ringo McDingo - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, I managed to knock down the curtains by my bed. That would explain the gash on my head and blood on my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was locked out of my house. As I was about to knock on the window to ask my girlfriend to let me in, I saw her on the sofa, digging a huge booger out of her nose and eating it. FML

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By unsuckable - United States - Denver

Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML

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By ShowOff - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to demonstrate to my friend how laughably dull our kitchen knives are by swiping one across my palm. Turns out Dad noticed the problem yesterday and sharpened them. FML

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By BadGirlfriend12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend actually offered me $1000 to break up with him, and to move back to where my family lives 5 hours away. FML

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By Lucas79 - Australia

Today, I was walking down the street on my way to work, when an old lady's walking stick caught my leg and sent me crashing to the ground. She apologised for the accident and watched me stumble to my feet. I said not to worry. Just as I turned to leave, I could swear a smirk crept over her face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in my cubicle at work, nursing a hangover, and thinking how stupid I was for getting so shit-faced last night. I then realized that I was voicing my thoughts out loud, and the whole office had gone quiet, listening to me castigate myself. FML

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By kaheera4 - United States

Today, my mom visited, and I left her for a few minutes while I used the bathroom. While I was stuck taking a crap, she went on one of her religious rants, telling my children that Easter was off this year because their precious "pagan" Easter Bunny had been murdered. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I tripped over my dog and landed on my face while trying to prove to my father that I can walk and chew gum at the same time. FML

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By MyPoorEyes - Australia - Melbourne

Today, it was my first day working as a pharmacist. I quickly discovered that customers not only think that it makes me qualified to offer free medical advice, but they also have no qualms about showing me their various lumps, bumps, and vaginal leakages. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I felt a horrible pain while having sex with my wife, and I had to stop. I thought it was a hernia or something, but she called me a liar and accused me of everything from not finding her attractive, to me cheating on her. It turned out I had appendicitis. She still won't apologize. FML

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By Anonymous

Smash the Patriarchy!

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that yes, girls do get armpit hair, we just have to shave it. FML

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By ruserious - Australia - Sydney

Today, I discovered my new step-dad has a rule about the shower. After three minutes, he turns the water off at the source. I had to beg him to turn it back on whilst covered in shampoo suds, and the only way I could get him to give me another minute was to forfeit my phone for the week. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to a movie with my boyfriend. In the lobby, I asked why the glasses were not working. I said, "Do they only work inside the theater?" My boyfriend replied, "3-D glasses just work inside the movie, everything else in the World is pretty much 3-D." FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico - Ensenada

Today, I was denounced for being a terrible person, because my family raises chickens, some of which we eat. I was then told how cruel I am for "killing innocent birds" and that "good" people buy their meat from the supermarket. FML

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By Adopted

Today, my mom realized that the "door" part in "screen door" doesn't block sound when she began to talk to our neighbours about how much of a failure I am. I heard everything. FML

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By WasteOfOxygen08

Crockery story

Today, I woke up and headed downstairs ready to do the dishes, when my mom hissed at me to, “go do the dishes!” As I was washing them, my mom stood over me the whole time. She eventually said, “You know, it’s pretty fucking sad that I still have to tell you to do these things.” FML

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By Carpet cleaner - Canada

Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn't move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML

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By muffinmen1022 - United States

Today, I went to Macy's to go shopping, I was wearing a shirt and tie and dressed nicely. Customers came up to me with questions, but I just ignored them. Minutes later, thinking I was an employee, the manager came and yelled at me, and threatened to fire me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was on my way to work. Out of nowhere, my period started. Due to allergies, I had uncontrollable sneezes. Now, I have blood all over my pants. FML

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By Overprotected - United States

Today, my parents decided they are going to come with me on my first date. FML

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By SoDamnBroke - South Africa

Today, I secured a tender for my boss, earning her 1/4 million in profits. Today is also meant to be pay-day for us, but my boss is too busy dealing with the tender to pay her employees. So essentially, I made my boss rich while remaining broke and in debt. FML

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By Delicious - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I used fly spray on my muffin tray instead of olive oil. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I received my 12th rejection letter for voluntary work, as I don't have enough experience to be paid. I can't even work for free. FML

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By leenibeani4 - United States

Today, at the eye doctor, they asked for my birth date for the files. My dad answered quickly, "May 28, 1994." It was embarrassing to have to correct him with "April 19, 1993." Who's May 28? Way to go dad. FML

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By Me - United States - Homer Glen

Today, while at my aunt's funeral, my grandma who has terrible memory loss asked me whose funeral we were at. I had to explain to her that her daughter had died. FML

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Top comments

By Cg3780byoch | 0

#174953 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:07

a-hole...why would you want to make a 3 year old cry?

By skitz | 0

#174932 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:02

haha, looks like he doesn't have to worry about creepers.

COMMENTS

By skitz | 0

#174932 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:02

haha, looks like he doesn't have to worry about creepers.

rends | 0

#1175246 - Monday 2 August 2010 8:23

FALCONPUNCH!

By phoyos | 0

#174933 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:03

looks like that kid knows what to do to strangers at any rate

victoriaSwaqq | 0

#2336599 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 11:18

hahaha

By tigersoccer19 | 0

#174941 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

fallcakes | 0

#1279436 - Saturday 21 August 2010 11:31

lmfao @ loer

By Cg3780byoch | 0

#174953 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:07

a-hole...why would you want to make a 3 year old cry?

By Kamazar | 0

#174954 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:09

Here, Johnny, have some... caaaaandy! *shudders*

By theluckygirl28 | 8

#174955 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:08

Haha!
OWNED!!
But I do have experience with little kids who do that (play with computer keys when you don't want them too) so yea, FYL

By evanwilliams | 4

#174957 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:10

You must have a very fragile nose.

By lnm701 | 0

#174960 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:10

You're kind of a terrible person.

brenkite | 5

#4371185 - Monday 30 April 2012 1:34

Kind of?

GaylyStraight | 10

#6332635 - Friday 26 June 2015 8:56

props to OP. kids suck

By aquariusbeauty | 0

#174966 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:11

LOL!

By oh_dee | 0

#174967 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:10

wow, he must have a really hard head...