Kids: Today, I was driving to work and I had to pee really badly. I... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 429

You deserved it 113

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 174

You deserved it 1 501

21/08/2009 22:15

Spicy

Today, I was driving to work and I had to pee really badly. I am a teacher and my school was another 20 miles so I stopped on the side of the road. About halfway through, a bus full of laughing kids went by. They were all my students. My pants were down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 162

You deserved it 47 133

Vulture

Taking stock

There's no helping some people

28/01/2016 20:24

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I was there with the lights out when something ran across my foot. I freaked out, tried to kick it off, and ended up smashing my foot into the side of the tub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 350

You deserved it 3 164

19/09/2011 14:39

Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 413

You deserved it 6 179

23/02/2010 12:51

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's parents house for dinner. This was the first time I was meeting them, so I bought a $70 bottle of red wine to try and impress them. I tried to be smooth while popping the cork. I did, but the bottle slipped and red wine poured onto their white carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 824

You deserved it 8 151

05/07/2013 01:32

Today, I came back to my apartment after moving most of my stuff out. Upon returning, I learned that my now ex-roommate drank all of my alcohol and threw away my things, thinking that I had forgotten them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 172

You deserved it 3 819

Grief is weird

By Anonymous - 31/08/2013 16:12

Today, my boyfriend's freshly-repainted car got keyed. He's literally more of an inconsolable wreck now than he was when his own mother passed away last year. When I tried hinting that he was overreacting, he told me to go to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 311

You deserved it 9 482

11/01/2009 02:11

Today, I fell asleep on the train, totally wiped out after last night's party, which involved lots of booze and spicy Indian food. I wake up and notice a small boy staring at me, so I smiled at him. He turned to his father and said, "Daddy, the farting man has just woken up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 950

You deserved it 9 297

Save yourself

By Anonymous - 06/08/2021 22:01

Today, I had to offer my boyfriend a no-hard-feelings opportunity to just leave. He never wanted to be a dad, but since we accidentally got pregnant and had our son, I’ve watched his mental health go downhill so fast I was afraid he’d kill himself if he kept forcing himself to stay with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 227

You deserved it 150

09/12/2009 23:47

Today, I received a 4 page letter in the post from a woman telling me she was Alan's wife. She spoke about their wedding in 2004, their two beautiful kids who love their daddy very much (she included pictures), and how much she loves him. Alan is my husband of 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 722

You deserved it 2 936

01/07/2013 06:38

Today, my fiancé paid a visit to my parents so he could ask my dad's permission to marry me. My dad responded with, "Why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 604

You deserved it 4 799

Tough choice

By SickAndTired - 18/09/2021 05:00

Today, I have an acute URI and acute bronchitis. The cough syrup works amazingly well to stop the coughing, but if I take the cough syrup it gives me insomnia. So I get to choose: do I want to spend all night coughing, or spend all night tossing and turning? FML

I agree, your life sucks 772

You deserved it 62

10/10/2014 19:12

Today, I got my first compliment in over a year. It was from my gynecologist, saying I have a beautiful cervix. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 010

You deserved it 3 507

06/05/2017 02:20

Spicy

Today, as I was pulling out of my apartment complex, I was rear-ended. When I got out of my car to see how bad the damage was, I wondered why the other guy wasn't getting out of his. As it turns out, he was busy pleasing himself. I found out when I approached his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 816

You deserved it 433

20/04/2012 06:41

Today, I locked my car. I put the key in my bag when suddenly my car began to roll backwards. I tried to get the key out of my bag but couldn't find it, and with the other hand I tried to stop the car. The worst thing was that some dumbass was watching me and didn't help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 410

You deserved it 21 662

Wait til she finds out about seatbelts!

By Anonymous - 11/09/2021 05:00

Today, I hate the government for starting talking about vaccine passports and mandating the Covid-19 vaccine, because I almost had my wife convinced to go get it, and now she's all, "I'm not doing something they are telling me I have to do. I'm not a sheep." FML

I agree, your life sucks 913

You deserved it 295

He's still got it

By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 00:01

Today, my dad got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 636

You deserved it 130

26/09/2014 19:13

Today, I heard my boyfriend talking with my father in the backyard. I thought he was asking for my hand in marriage. He was actually telling him about his plans to break up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 882

You deserved it 3 986

23/04/2012 22:51

Today, I discovered that last night, my son snuck downstairs at 3am, drank two glasses of my very expensive wine, threw up on his bed, and then slept in his own vomit. My son is 14. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 472

You deserved it 6 169

Sworn to secrecy

By TheEpicWario - 01/06/2021 14:02

Spicy

Today, my mom confirmed my suspicions that my dad cheated on her. She then told me to hide my knowledge about it from my dad, and to keep my brother completely in the dark for now. Now I can't even look at my dad without reaching the brink of crying, and I'm somehow supposed to keep this under wraps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 235

You deserved it 116

Plebs need not apply.

By chels - 17/07/2018 19:00

Today, when my new boyfriend told me he liked playing games, he meant a 60" TV with a professional gaming chair in the middle of his living room, and 48-hour gaming marathons where he totally ignores me, refuses to sleep or shower, and only has energy drinks and cheerios. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 801

You deserved it 829

03/04/2011 17:41

Today, I was awoken by my dad yelling into my ear. In shock, I jumped up off the couch, and came smashing down into the coffee table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 579

You deserved it 4 110

22/06/2009 00:37

Today, I was delivering pizzas for my summer job. I got a big order to deliver for a fellow graduate's party. While I was being paid for the order my friend shows up and says "Don't pay him, his parents are rich, he can handle it." Then they shut the door and took off. The bill was $75. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 515

You deserved it 3 797

13/11/2008 03:57

Today, my boss sneezed onto his hands and then licked them in front of my best customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 158

You deserved it 2 309

18/11/2010 08:37

Today, I was in a meeting and someone behind me sneezed really loudly. As they were doing so, I felt something cold land on my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 604

You deserved it 2 667

21/06/2011 23:51

Today, my mother told my little sister and me that she has breast cancer to make us feel sorry so that we would clean our rooms. She is perfectly fine. My little sister still thinks that "mommy is going to die". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 752

You deserved it 3 608

24/07/2010 21:56

Today, someone gave me 13 dollar bills. I rejected one because I'm very superstitious about the unlucky 13. Later, I waited half an hour in the car for someone to bring me exactly 1 dollar because I did not have enough for the parking fee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 667

You deserved it 65 540

Chill

By FennFoxx - 21/03/2017 07:00

Today, I decided to take a relaxing bubble bath in my jacuzzi. I poured in the bubbles, turned on the jets, and got in. I realized too late that the jets had caused the bubbles to overflow and had made a huge mess in my bathroom. Relaxing, indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 057

You deserved it 1 821

01/10/2010 11:07

Spicy

Today, I caught my husband modeling my cute floral panties. All he could manage to say was "I love you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 599

You deserved it 4 838

24/04/2009 08:18

Today, I met a really cute guy at work. He asked for my number, and I wrote it down on a piece of paper. After looking at the paper, he crumpled it up, yelled "Do you think I'm stupid? I know the rejection hotline when I see it", and walked away. It was my real phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 152

You deserved it 3 943

18/06/2016 16:16

Today, my son was crying because he wanted his daddy, and he asked when he can see him. I had no idea what to say, given his dad left us in the middle of the night last year, now lives in another country, and told me he never wants to see us again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 995

You deserved it 1 644

Wake up, boo

By Anonymous - 21/07/2021 20:01

Spicy

Today, my daughter's school is furious because we were 3 hours late picking her up. My son, who was supposed to pick her up, apparently accidentally fell asleep after masturbating himself to exhaustion, which is why when we finally got home he was asleep with his pants down, porn still playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 917

You deserved it 187

26/01/2013 08:42

Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 117

You deserved it 5 625

17/12/2009 07:57

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the beach. I though he was being really sweet by putting sunscreen on my back as I layed on my stomach. I got home later, and felt that my back was sore. Then I saw the giant penis on my back that been burnt in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 799

You deserved it 5 961

Wardrobe change please

By Meagan Ortiz - 16/08/2020 23:02

Today, I choked on water so hard that I threw up and shat myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 473

You deserved it 220

24/03/2018 19:00

Today, my crush won the bet that I made with him yesterday. The bet? That he couldn't land a date by the end of the day. Not only am I down $10, but a possible boyfriend too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 930

You deserved it 4 746

26/03/2012 20:56

Spicy

Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 419

You deserved it 6 015

Waste of a phone call

By amIworthIt? - 30/06/2021 22:01

Today, I called the suicide hotline after two months of recurring thoughts. I got put on hold by their machine, then was on call with someone who barely spoke English, got transferred to another building, so I was put on hold again, and finally got hung up on. I was already feeling pretty worthless, so thanks guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 243

You deserved it 80

14/11/2016 12:42

Today, for the 16th day in a row, my husband slept in the guest room because he doesn't want to disturb the dogs once they've fallen asleep on our bed, so they don't hate him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 054

You deserved it 1 259

Priorities

By natashamilan - 26/02/2015 01:43

Today, I was at a friend's birthday party when I got a call from my mom telling me to come home because my dog died. When I told my friend that I had to leave because of the loss, she replied with, "Okay, but you brought my gift inside, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 632

You deserved it 2 810

Grateful

By Anonymous - 29/03/2021 07:59

Today, it was sister’s birthday. I decided to give her money instead of a present, because I couldn’t come up with a gift idea. When she opened the envelope and took the $100 out, she looked at me and asked me if this was the best I could’ve done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 080

You deserved it 160

23/12/2009 05:05

Today, I was trying to read a book for school, but kept falling asleep. Following some advice from a friend I tried reading on the uncomfortable floor. Two hours later my dog woke me up by peeing on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 139

You deserved it 5 910

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Saturday 22 August 2009 1:31

wow YDI for not knowing how to piss out doors

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Saturday 22 August 2009 1:31

Why wouldn't you just go somewhere with an actual bathroom?

Comments

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Saturday 22 August 2009 1:29

Great example you are.

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Saturday 22 August 2009 2:04

why were your pants down?

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Saturday 22 August 2009 2:06

Yeah, SaintJimmy, why the hell were your pants down? Stop fapping to FML.

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Saturday 22 August 2009 2:20

Yeah, if you're a man, why are your pants down?

GoNow 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 3:15

Lmao. This is hilarious. But, I love this site better it's better then FMyLife It always will be http://trynot2click-this.yolasite.com/

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Saturday 22 August 2009 5:25

#49 If that website is better than this one why would you make an account here, and if it was that great why haven't I heard of it.

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Saturday 22 August 2009 5:44

Ydi for being a shit monster,oh and haha I'm #84!!!

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Saturday 22 August 2009 6:03

Maybe OP had 2 go poopy? I'd like to know how old your students are. If it's high school and the students took video with their phone, that sucks. But then again that might not be as bad as elementary kids coming home and saying, "I saw teachers winkey today". I could see some lawsuits in your future. FYL either way. 

I_suck_you_suck 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 6:58

Its not, he made it him self. And it an exact replicar of Fmylife.com they "copy n pasted" everything!

nam3 0

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Sunday 23 August 2009 4:32

why directly by the side of the road? u culdnt go deeper? into the trees YDI for pulling your pants down and being a man

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Tuesday 18 May 2010 23:46

84 show me the boobies then u can have rules k?

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Saturday 22 August 2009 1:31

Why wouldn't you just go somewhere with an actual bathroom?

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Saturday 22 August 2009 1:32

my thoughts exactly!

countingstairs 16

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Friday 16 May 2014 5:38

When ya gotta go, ya gotta go.

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Saturday 22 August 2009 1:31

wow YDI for not knowing how to piss out doors

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Saturday 22 August 2009 10:30

I agree.. if you merely had to pee there was no need for your pants to be down :::rolls eyes:::

YellowKettleBell 31

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Sunday 30 March 2014 5:24

That's how 5 year old boys who can work the zipper right do it

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Saturday 22 August 2009 1:32

Wow. YDI. Go to a gas station. I'm sure that was fun showing up to class.

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Friday 4 June 2010 23:44

pics or it didn't happen

HumanTorch007 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 1:34

YDI for sure STOP AT A FREAKING GAS STATION!!!!!!!

Struedelmuffin 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 1:35

Whooh second!!

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Saturday 22 August 2009 1:46

You're a dumbass

notcoolperson 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 3:05

Or am I?

I_suck_you_suck 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 5:02

What the fuck?

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Monday 2 May 2011 7:07

your 8th moron

xXCherrryBombXx 6

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Sunday 15 July 2012 7:51

FAIL.

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Saturday 22 August 2009 1:35

YDI. Why would you do it beside a busy road? You could've made the extra few meters. -_-

curryndricegirll 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 1:37

Use the potty before you leave the house.

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Saturday 22 August 2009 1:37

lucky students :P YDI for not finding somewhere more secluded

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Saturday 22 August 2009 1:39

BS. So if you had to pee really badly, why didn't you do it in your house. Is the school that you work in that far away from your home? O_O Or did you just feel like you had to pee so suddenly when you were in your car already. Weird. idk.

curryndricegirll 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 1:43

yeah...i get that he was 20 miles away...but why would the kids be going to a school that is 20 miles away from their house...but i guess it might not be public, so idk

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Saturday 22 August 2009 2:30

yeah...what bus picks kids up 20 miles away from a school?

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Saturday 22 August 2009 3:42

My bus does.

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Saturday 22 August 2009 3:43

He's from South Dakota so it's probably a pretty rural area. There's likely only one school in the whole county and the kids have to be bussed in from all over.

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Saturday 22 August 2009 4:20

I do. My school district doesn't have a high school, its not big enough, there were only 465 kids in my pre-k thru 8 school when i was there. There are about 5 distrcts that go to one high school, my bus ride is about an hour once we pick up all the kids.

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Saturday 22 August 2009 10:34

Any of the kids that are in magnet schools in my area can ride a bus from anywhere within the county which definitely spans more than 20miles so it is more than possible...