Today, my daughter taught me the literal meaning of "When the shit hits the fan." FML
Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and I backed into a fire hydrant. I lied and told my mom it was a hit and run. So she called the apartment complex. They had me on video hitting the fire hydrant. FML
Today, at my annual checkup, the doc looks down at my foot and says, "Oh, you have an extra toenail. Six, huh?" Then sort of scraping at the side of my foot below the pinky toe, he pulls off a long piece of dead, dried skin and says, "Oh." FML
Today, I told my boyfriend he's the only good thing left in my life. That's not a healthy relationship dynamic, he said, and ended up breaking up with me. FML
Today, for the Superbowl halftime show, my mom was blasting the TV, dancing, and singing along to Bruce Springsteen in front of me and my boyfriend. FML
Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML
Today, two teen girls got into a shouting match at the table next to mine at the food court. Sensing a fight brewing, I got up to leave. I stood up just in time for one of the girls to throw her tray, which missed her target and hit me in the head. FML
LiLMAMA0523 tells us more.
OP here! This actually happened to me sometime last year when I worked at an outlet. I ran into the first girl awhile back (who works at a store there) while shopping and we were laughing about it. Basically these girls had been having some issues for awhile and the second girl (tray thrower) decided she and her "crew" would pay the girl a visit while she was working (stupid right?). We both happened to be on our lunch break at the time when the girls showed up. Initially they were just throwing insults at each other (which were pretty funny) but the first girl stood up and they were screaming at each other from across the table. At this point I was like okay I don't want any parts if they start swinging, so I stood up and attempted to walk away. The second girl picked up the food tray and threw it, but the girl either ducked or her aim was bad because I ended up getting hit. My initial reaction was shock which then switched to WTF lol. Both girls rushed over and were freaking out asking me if I was okay. Security was called by one of the food court managers and the girl and her crew were escorted out. I was asked if I wanted to file a report but to me it wasn't extreme enough to do so. I could tell the girl was already upset enough and adding to it wouldn't have made it better. I wasn't severely hurt either just a little bump behind my ear. The tray was hard plastic, but I had my hair in a bun so I think that kind of cushioned the impact. I think the funniest part was probably explaining to my manager why I was a little late coming back from break lol. If this had happened to anyone else I might not find it funny, but since it was me I managed to find the humor in it. I can now check "getting hit with a food tray" to my list of the WTF things that have happened to me lol.
Today, I came home from work to find my grandmother in my living room, demanding to know where I'd been all day. I'm 22 and live by myself. She stole my mother's emergency key to get in. FML
Today, my wife, the budding environmentalist, who is also 6 months pregnant, threatened to leave me because according to her I'm responsible for the world's deforestation. I'd only drawn her a picture of her with our baby-to-be. FML
Today, I called the cops on this guy who kept emailing me without revealing who he was. I had told him that if he emailed me again, I would call the cops, so I did. Turns out it was my roommate. FML
Today, I told my step-mom that my medication is causing me to lose weight. She looked me up and down and suggested I triple my dosage. FML
Today, I took some new allergy medicine I had never tried before, and I didn't bother reading the side effects. I then went to school. It was almost an hour before dismissal when I had felt a warm feeling on my legs. One of the side effects to my new medicine was bladder control problems. FML
Today, I had my first kiss with this guy that I really liked. We started making out and he stopped and had this bizarre look on his face. I thought he was liking it, so I said, "You're a good kisser, you wanna go to the bedroom?" He replied with, "I'll pass, you have really bad breath". FML
Today, my boyfriend of a month and I had sex for the first time. We started in the shower and then moved to his bedroom. He then feel asleep when I was on top. FML
Today, while at Wendy's with my boyfriend, I realized that he made more pleasure sounds when eating his Baconator than he did while sleeping with me. FML
Today, at work as an optician, I gave a little girl a new pair of glasses and asked her if she could see better with them. She replied, "Oh, yeah, you've got two big zits on your nose!" FML
Today, I had a box full of crickets in my room. I sealed it up with tape and went to take a shower. When I returned, I found that the box had popped open, releasing almost all of the crickets. I can still hear the chirping. FML
Today, the mentally-challenged teen who sometimes comes into my restaurant gave me a hug as usual. I thought it was sweet, until a coworker let me know he immediately goes and jacks off in the bathroom after. FML
Today, even though I've been studying and working with children and adolescents for the last 14 years, I've come to find that their parents' behavior tends to be worse than their children's. FML
sarcasticjane tells us more.
OP here. Thank you all for your comments and stories. They definitely made my day. I am in the psychology field. When I first started in the field, parents were more apt to work WITH their children and change behaviors in the home. It was not something that took 14 years to realize as much as it's amazing how in just 14 years the parents have changed into the "fix my child" and don't want to work on their part of the issues. Not all parents; I still have a few good ones in the group, but that day was back to back parents. Thank you all again.
Today, I was in a car accident on the way to work. I called my boss and told him I had to deal with the police and the accident report and didn't know how long it would take. He got mad and said I "should have picked a better time to do this". FML
Today, I got married. My new husband wanted to carry me over the threshold of our apartment, but he couldn't pick me up. FML
Today, I had to give a joint presentation at college. My partner was so high, she couldn't even pronounce her own name properly in her introduction. I'm pretty sure her antics are going to get us both failed hard. FML
Today, I spent nearly an hour trying to take a decent photo for my dating site profile. Not 20 minutes after uploading it, I got a message saying "Srsly dude stop trying, u look like Rosie O'Donnell." FML
Today, I received my Valentine's gift from my fiancée in the mail. We broke up yesterday. FML
CRD1995 tells us more.
CRD1995 19
The gift that she sent me holds no monetary value. She lives in Japan, and I live in America. She sent a journal consisting of entries that she wrote everyday while I was in basic training for two months. There was also a poster board with our pictures on it. It's really hard to look at all of the things she sent, but it honestly makes me feel a little better that this FML got published. And also I did go see Deadpool already! Thanks for the advice.
Today, my pubic hairs were poking into my wang. I went to scratch it. Something bit my hand. FML
Today, I was in church. During the prayer, I moved my foot and it pressed against the automatic button on my umbrella causing it to suddenly open. As if that wasn't bad enough, I screamed simultaneously at the shock. FML
Today, I had sex with a guy I really had a connection with. It went perfect until I complimented how his moans during sex turn me on a lot, and he responded with, "That's what my mom told me." I laughed so hard we couldn't go on. FML
UnicornWaffles tells us more.
Hey fellas, quick clarification. When he said what he said I just blurted out laughing, because to me it obviously was a joke. Further confirmation would have either ruin the joke or ruin sex with him forever. He may have very well been a mother-****** but I wouldn't need to know, as we're not dating each other. That being said, I'm positive it's humor, and any humor is a good laugh to me if you appreciate the other person's intension to make you happy. I did forbid him to say that again in bed though; it'll just be creepy a second time. Thanks for you comments :) we had a good laugh.
Today, I slept with my boyfriend for the first time. I'd always imagined it would be a romantic moment, but it turned out that "Saw 5" was on the TV in the background, and the sex was so fantastically tragic that I ended up watching/listening to it, on the sly. FML
Today, after a week of not seeing each other, my boyfriend has a three day break from work. This would be great if he hadn't just told me he's having a Guild Wars 2 marathon. Now all I have to look forward to is slow wifi and anguished screams every time his character dies. FML
Today, for what has seemed to be the hundredth time, my labeled bagged lunch was stolen from the fridge at my workplace. I stormed into my boss's office ready to complain, only to find him eating it. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
