Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and...

By why me?? - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and I backed into a fire hydrant. I lied and told my mom it was a hit and run. So she called the apartment complex. They had me on video hitting the fire hydrant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22041

You deserved it

59454

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

Night terrors

Great first impression

By CambodianAsshole - United States - Placentia

Today, I opened my Christmas present from my parents. I got a road-side assistance package. I don't own a vehicle, and I don't even have a driver's license. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33368

You deserved it

3553

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, army recruiters came to my school and set up some punching bags to attract potential recruits. I gave it a shot, managing to set the highest score at my school and fracture my wrist at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35840

You deserved it

6997

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/5/2020 17:00

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, my boss gave me attitude for not going to back to work this Friday. I'm a massage therapist and where I live, it's currently illegal to practice during the pandemic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1587

You deserved it

Favorite

By gymgirl - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, while at the gym, I noticed a creepy-looking guy watching me. When I got up from the equipment, I noticed that he sniffed the seat. I didn't say anything the first time. After he did it the second time, I asked him to stop. He bent down and sniffed it without breaking eye contact. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51195

You deserved it

3805

Favorite

By Adam

Today, my wife decided to end our dry spell of four months and started dry humping and kissing me in bed. Things were going well until she orgasmed from the activity and declared that she was too tired to do any more, rolled over, and fell asleep. Five months or bust. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8548

You deserved it

951

Favorite

By damnit - Australia

Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off and learned that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16744

You deserved it

63917

Favorite

By TheyHaveMyAddress - United States - Jackson

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a restaurant so I could apply for a job, and we decided to eat there. After we finished, I went to start the car. When we got home, I asked him how much the bill came to. Apparently he didn't pay. I had already given them my completed application. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47532

You deserved it

7295

Favorite

By Sorry Not Sorry

Today, my boss bitched me out for a customer complaint. The complaint was me not laughing at the customer's joke of me asking for his ID and him saying no. I'm sorry, I've been getting this joke a least twice a day since I started working here two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9366

You deserved it

631

Favorite

By Sissyleemae

Today, I got fired from my job for stopping a shoplifter. Where's the logic? FML

I agree, your life sucks

2951

You deserved it

311

Favorite

By pinkrazorsare4men

Today, whilst taking a shower, I noticed my razor wasn't in its usual spot. Upon inspecting it closer, I noticed that there were tiny white hairs in it. When confronting my father about it, he claimed the "pink razors" are his. We've been sharing the same razor this entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9783

You deserved it

857

Favorite

By team hit bella with a car - United States - Odenton

Today, after waiting for years for my oldest daughter to grow out of Twilight, my younger daughter discovered it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37394

You deserved it

3700

Favorite

By tomcat69 - Canada

Today, after spending 6 months and $15,000 on lawyer fees at my 13 year old son's request, his abusive, alcoholic father no longer has any legal right to see him. How did my son repay me? He ran away to live with his father the very first time I told him he couldn't have friends sleep over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48058

You deserved it

7761

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that when my parents said they couldn't afford gifts for us kids, what they really meant was that they weren't buying a gift for me. I found this out when I overheard my father telling my uncle about the things he got my siblings. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22325

You deserved it

1329

Favorite

By Reggie - 28/10/2020 13:58 - United States - Tahlequah

Masterchef 2020

Today, I went to make chilli and instead of just using 3 cups of water like the recipe called for, I ended up using 3 quarts somehow. Now I have a pot of hot and spicy meat water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

383

You deserved it

1122

Favorite

By confused_lemon

Should be interesting at the office tomorrow…

Today, I got thrown out by a guy I really like, with the words "Can you leave me the fuck alone, please?" I took my stuff and left as quickly as I could, just to fall down the stairs on his doorway and twist my ankle really bad. He's someone from work as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1536

You deserved it

590

Favorite

By kitchencrime - United States

Today, my friend snuck up on me and yelled, "Gotcha!" I screamed and dropped a gallon of blood-red paint on my new, white kitchen floor. Now it looks like I've murdered someone in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44668

You deserved it

4452

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Parkersburg

Today, my brother said he was cleaning his room. When I walked in, he was giving my cousin a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32479

You deserved it

3025

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27009

You deserved it

2859

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I received a friend request on Facebook from my biological father, who I have never met in my life. As I was scrolling through his hobbies and interests, I saw "Drinking," "Black women with big asses," and "Getting laid, lol." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52041

You deserved it

3954

Favorite

By thxmom - United States - West Jordan

Today, I learned that my mother has been telling people that I need anger management. I'm not attending anger management, I'm attending therapy to aid in my recovery from abusive relationships. She doesn't understand the difference or why I find it upsetting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32636

You deserved it

2393

Favorite

By PPP - United States - Elk Grove Village

Today, I found out that my mom is doing a study and is keeping used pads in the freezer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38282

You deserved it

2779

Favorite

By screwed - United States

Today, my boyfriend called and asked me why I love him. I told him because he's always there for me and continues to put up with my bipolar disorder. He promptly said "not anymore" and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44905

You deserved it

5411

Favorite

By red button - United States

Today, my entire family sat down in the living room to watch the video I recorded of my sister's graduation from college. I never pressed record. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13616

You deserved it

43623

Favorite

By screwed - United States

Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45509

You deserved it

4929

Favorite

By Ignatius - United States

Today, was teacher appreciation day at my school. They played a slideshow of all the teachers. The students cheered wildly for every teacher. When my picture came up, nobody clapped. The whole room was quiet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59899

You deserved it

26694

Favorite

By Stuckinbed - 19/3/2020 21:00

Hippity hoppity

Today, after I'd had hip surgery, my sister thought it would be hilarious to hide my crutches from me. I can't find them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1729

You deserved it

Favorite

By klanciee - United States - Valencia

Today, when I woke up, I noticed something crawling on my bed. A white faced wasp was dragging the corpse of a rather large spider. I'm not sure what I was more disturbed about; the fact that the wasp was dragging something twice its size, or that these bugs even live in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29354

You deserved it

2193

Favorite

By Gross - United States - Houston

Today, I got fired from my job as a seafood manager because an entire wedding group came in and started yelling at me, saying the shrimp was horrible and I ruined their wedding. They showed me the leftovers; they never cooked them. They fed raw shrimp at a wedding dinner party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54745

You deserved it

3910

Favorite

By hotmommy

Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45045

You deserved it

6578

Favorite

By Not That Old - United States

Today, I went to El Pollo Loco for the $10.00 special. I ordered from the pimple-faced kid at the register, pulled out two fives, and he said, "That'll be 9.70, I gave you the senior discount." I'm 10 years away from that. Thank you? FML

I agree, your life sucks

31005

You deserved it

6649

Favorite

By Welpthatwasfast

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to mix it up and find a good place outdoors to have fun. After an hour of climbing up a rocky mountainside to a completely isolated clearing, out of the way of any hiking path, he was still so paranoid that he finished within 20 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15279

You deserved it

2098

Favorite

By tattooooooface - United States

Today, my dad found out I got a tattoo behind his back and is really really upset. When I got home from work my car wasn't in the driveway. When I asked my dad where it was, he replied "you'll get it back when your tattoo comes off." FML

I agree, your life sucks

15493

You deserved it

39589

Favorite

By WorstMedicalBill - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when I realized I had to sneeze. Not wanting to sneeze on her, I tried my hardest to hold it in. When I climaxed, I couldn't hold it in any more and sneezed all over her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11109

You deserved it

21611

Favorite

By jake - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I forgot it was her birthday. We had only been dating for 2 weeks. I didn't even know when it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35067

You deserved it

8170

Favorite

By teach - Canada

Today, at the elementary school where I teach, the kids all voted for their favorite teacher. I was the only one to receive zero votes. When I asked a small group of students why no one voted for me, one boy replied "because you're the ugliest". FML

I agree, your life sucks

52694

You deserved it

4091

Favorite

By maced face - United States

Today, as I was walking to my car, I noticed a car with a tail light out. Trying to be a good citizen, I walked up to the driver's side door and said "excuse me". The lady then maced me through the open window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31075

You deserved it

3496

Favorite

By somuchforthat - Australia

Today, I woke up and found a small leg of what used to belong to a spider on the corner of my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35576

You deserved it

2502

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed my 5-gallon glass vase/aquarium was leaking at the base. When I went to move the vase so I could transfer everything to a new aquarium, the bottom completely detached, sending water, sand, sea shells and fish crap everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27102

You deserved it

5556

Favorite

By Sapphire Mills

Today, it's my 2-year wedding anniversary. It also marks 2 years since my wife told me, "We're married now we don't need to have sex anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4341

You deserved it

517

Favorite

By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, some guy I passed in the street was so high out of his mind, he beat the crap out of me, thinking I was a piñata. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32060

You deserved it

2782

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By fleur_de_fevrier_fml | 22

#5616756 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 12:17

Next time come clean... It's not like you did it on purpose...

By Treveyon56 | 14

#5616757 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 12:17

That's all on you dude.

COMMENTS

By fleur_de_fevrier_fml | 22

#5616756 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 12:17

Next time come clean... It's not like you did it on purpose...

buckerado | 19

#5617111 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 17:28

Well technically, it was a hit and run...Only OP hit the fire hydrant and ran. I know that it's a stretch, but think about it.

caohm | 18

#5617361 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 20:04

it's dangerous being that stupid

By Treveyon56 | 14

#5616757 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 12:17

That's all on you dude.

By webbface | 25

#5616764 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 12:20

Haha wow that blows! I can't stop laughing! Sucks for you OP, should have just been honest. Accidents do happen!

By CookieLovesBoo | 16

#5616767 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 12:22

Never lie to the mother - she has eyes in the back of her head , and knowledge .

iAlissa | 34

#5617453 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 21:22

Or they just had proof on a video. ._.

rememberkids | 14

#5617488 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 21:47

moms ALWAYS find out! I've learned that lesson...

LowExpectations | 30

#5617525 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 22:25

I have to lie to my mother as she can't handle truth. In fact, I lie so much to her it's damn near a language. That and she often lies to me so I see where I get it from.