Alcohol, Drunk and DIY: Don't drink and DIY - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 198

You deserved it 52

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 997

Don't drink and DIY

By bob the builders pissed off daughter - 29/12/2015 23:52

Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 952

You deserved it 1 386

Alcohol Drunk DIY

Triage

Broken heart

Baby you can drive my car

05/10/2011 00:14

Today, I bought my girlfriend a very expensive necklace. I gave it to her thinking she'd be extremely happy. Instead she was mad at me because my gift for our anniversary was better than hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 008

You deserved it 3 089

12/02/2019 18:00

Today, I finally had an interview for my dream job. It was all going great until I started chuckling uncontrollably, snorted like a pig and hit the guy with the world's largest snot rocket. All I could do was slip out the door as he sat paralysed with shock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 264

You deserved it 511

Weird assumption

By writer4life - 17/01/2010 05:30

Spicy

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met online. While cuddling on the couch, he asked me for a blow job. I refused. He said, "But I thought big girls liked doing that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 275

You deserved it 6 199

19/06/2013 17:23

Today, I have pink eye in both eyes, the stomach virus, and a cold. I'm also sitting at work because my boss "doesn't believe in sick days." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 542

You deserved it 3 667

11/08/2017 23:15

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is currently dating a girl who lives in Korea. We broke up because I was moving to a different part of the city for college and he thought the distance would be "too much." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 982

You deserved it 288

10/09/2009 09:13

Today, my 11-year-old son and I were going through some old photos. He saw one of me when I was 22 on a beach, wearing a bikini. He said "Wow! Who's that?" Quite proudly I said it was me. He looked at me and said "What happened?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 096

You deserved it 7 770

15/12/2009 18:18

Today, I learned that my building never received my rent check. Now not only do I have to pay a $40 late fee, but also a $40 fee to stop the payment of the check that went god knows where. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 304

You deserved it 3 156

29/06/2009 00:44

Today, the cable repairman came to fix my cable which has never worked well. The entire time he was talking about how much extra money he got the "fat bitch who moved here 6 months ago" to pay for her cable. I moved in 6 months ago. I was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 091

You deserved it 3 435

OK then…

By Anonymous - 29/12/2009 05:02

Spicy

Today, I was making out with this guy I had been seeing, and things start to get pretty steamy. As he paused for a second, I thought he was going to get up and find a condom, but instead he turns to me and says, "I think I'm going to go to the library." I wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 144

You deserved it 3 512

19/09/2016 08:59

Today, my girlfriend managed to trap a fart in her nightgown and carry it all the way from the bathroom, into our bedroom, and finally into our bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 704

You deserved it 1 644

Hey y'all!

By Anonymous - 01/05/2021 00:56

Today, a friend was over at my house. My dad walks over and talks to me; I respond. He then goes back in his room. My friend then says, "Don’t get self-conscious, but when you talk to your dad, your southern accent gets REALLY strong." Guess who's now self-conscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 680

You deserved it 116

11/02/2009 23:57

Today, I told my mom, "I love you". She responded with, "What? I never told you I loved you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 724

You deserved it 2 912

04/03/2014 23:25

Today, I had the most intelligent conversation I've ever had with my boyfriend. He was getting really in-depth about subjects like biotechnology and gamma radiation. I soon realized he was only referring to the Incredible Hulk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 377

You deserved it 6 125

24/09/2016 13:10

Today, I was told I needed to start carrying bandaids with me at work because practically every day I hurt myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 116

You deserved it 2 314

26/02/2009 22:11

Spicy

Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter than his and that at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. Then he said yeah, I just wish that your vag was the same way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 476

You deserved it 67 458

11/07/2009 07:43

Today, I was involved in a car accident. I wasn't the driver of either car. I happened to be a passerby that was hit by a falling stop sign as a car hit it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 992

You deserved it 2 774

27/02/2017 12:00

Today, I discovered a cold sore in my ear, which I need to treat with a cream. Because of health issues, I already have six different creams and lotions to apply to various parts of my body, including buttcrack and hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 566

You deserved it 639

08/05/2018 19:00

Today, I went to a cute frog-themed frozen yogurt shop that was surprisingly realistic. So realistic, in fact, that there was a dead fly in my yogurt. I found it with my tongue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 711

You deserved it 299

12/08/2012 11:03

Today, I was at a concert. It was dark and everyone was singing and waving their lit-up phones in the air. I was having a great time, until someone snatched my £200 phone out of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 370

You deserved it 12 009

31/07/2009 21:12

Today, I found out if you slide down the stairs on a foam matress topper, it just folds under instead of sliding. Then you slide the rest of the way down on your knees and break your nose at the bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 660

You deserved it 70 509

Contagion

By breejanai - 11/04/2017 04:00

Today, while working as a veterinary assistant, an owner stood extremely close to me and kept accidentally petting me instead of her dog. After her dog was examined, she asked me if I'd ever had the chickenpox because she has shingles and it's contagious to those who haven't. I haven't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 594

You deserved it 291

14/01/2014 20:09

Spicy

Today, my dad and I got royally bitched out by my mother, because she found a bill for a porn site subscription, which was paid by my dad, but made out to my name. I had no idea about any of this, but she now thinks I'm a filthy porn addict and that my dad is an enabler. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 678

You deserved it 5 828

The old switcheroo

By Anonymous - 09/12/2020 11:09

Today, I was supposed to close on a house. Unfortunately, our lender decided that they couldn't finance us and denied us a loan, after 3 months of us digging up paperwork, saving money, and packing. Now we have to scramble to find a new place, while our insane landlady screams at us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 684

You deserved it 52

16/04/2013 01:35

Today, my husband told me that he thinks I am getting a little heavy and may need to lay off the junk food. The ultrasound is hanging on our fridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 686

You deserved it 5 737

15/08/2011 17:05

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me while we were at the pool. He seemed shocked that I wasn't crying. A slim girl in a bikini walked past and said, "Don't worry, fat people are used to it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 813

You deserved it 5 236

10/06/2011 04:59

Today, as I was sleeping I heard something bang on my door. I walked on my balcony only to find my boyfriend throwing rocks trying to wake me. He didn't see me and threw a rock right into my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 641

You deserved it 5 106

Nightmare mother

By scared shirtless - 18/03/2021 20:01

Today, for the fifth time in a row, I woke up screaming from a nightmare. My mother burst into my room, leaned in real close and said, "So help me god, if you do not stop fucking screaming, I will rip your arms off and beat you with them." I’m never sleeping again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 021

You deserved it 190

Nature trail

By Anonymous - 17/07/2021 20:00

Today, I went crashing through shrubbery looking for the hiking trail that goes so nicely along the lakeside. On second thought, the trail looked very slightly different on the map. Turns out it’s not a trail at all – I'd been trying to hike the county line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 541

You deserved it 492

03/01/2010 01:17

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend didn't get me a present. He did, however, get me a card from our cat. He signed it "Have a purrrrfect birthday." Then he left to go to work. I was alone all day long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 400

You deserved it 6 594

Sharing is caring

By Anonymous - 24/06/2020 20:08

Spicy

Today, when he came back to bed, I asked my flatmate who I've been sleeping since the start of lockdown, whether he had washed his hands after going to pee. He said he barely touched his dick, so he didn't need to. He likes putting his fingers in my mouth when we have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 502

You deserved it 628

16/03/2012 07:13

Today, my dad informed me that my prom dress makes me look chubby from the side, gives me "back fat", and that I wouldn't want to go to prom looking like that. I tried to ignore his hurtful comments and tell myself I was beautiful. Then the clasp broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 257

You deserved it 11 654

18/11/2012 11:00

Today, I was grocery shopping. When I turned around I noticed a group of teens passing by laughing. I didn't think anything of it until I got to my cart. The losers had left a pack of Slim Fast in my cart. I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 901

You deserved it 2 355

25/10/2009 02:14

Today, my cousin and I were out on the boardwalk. I walked to the railing next to a man and said, "Great view isn't it?" Then I found out that the man was blind and had a seeing eye dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 262

You deserved it 10 421

15/08/2012 04:04

Spicy

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend and best "friend" getting intimate. In a dim-witted attempt to cover up, my best friend proclaimed, "This isn't what it looks like!" I might have given him the benefit of the doubt, had he not still been inside my girlfriend at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 409

You deserved it 2 517

25/04/2013 00:16

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I really like. I let him use my phone, forgetting about the messages I'd sent about the consistency of my bowel movements. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 356

You deserved it 15 191

18/04/2009 01:22

Today, while standing in line at the grocery store, I noticed that myself and the woman in front of me were wearing the same shirt. As she was about to leave, I said to her "Hey! I'm wearing that shirt!" She turned to me and replied, "Not in THIS size you aren't." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 114

You deserved it 10 842

Noooo, not him

By Jenni - 21/03/2021 23:01

Today, my mother arranged for me to meet the man she is planning to marry. Turns out, my future stepfather is also my creepy old boss, who spent 4 months hitting on me before I quit a year ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 088

You deserved it 57

12/05/2011 23:34

Today, my boyfriend came home from a camping trip and broke up with me. All because when he was watching the lake he was near, ripples formed. Apparently, this means God was telling him I'm impure and unable to be "saved by Christ" and therefore, a waste of his time. I dated this lunatic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 162

You deserved it 8 509

17/04/2015 20:43

Today, I was playing Monopoly with my extended family. When my wife came home, she kicked me out of the game and took all my money and property. When I said she couldn't do that, she said "Sure I can. It's called divorce." Everyone laughed. Now I'm bored as hell, watching everyone else play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 074

You deserved it 3 963

25/04/2016 19:17

Today, I arrived for the two-week scuba diving vacation I spent months saving, planning, and looking forward to. Today, I also developed an ear infection and can't scuba dive for 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 263

You deserved it 913

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Top comments

Warmonger_Smurf 29

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Wednesday 30 December 2015 9:56

For being drunk he got a shit ton done. That sounds like a couple of months of work for a sober dad.

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Wednesday 30 December 2015 9:41

With any luck he may have buried your door in the garden or in the stove

Comments

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Wednesday 30 December 2015 9:41

With any luck he may have buried your door in the garden or in the stove

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Wednesday 30 December 2015 9:41

If he gets drunk again can he fix it?

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Thursday 31 December 2015 6:58

*singing* Likely he can't!!

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Friday 1 January 2016 6:30

they should try it who knows could work. or their fridge doors will be found wrong dishwasher in 5 pieces and toaster removed of wires. sounds like a blast actually. get this guy drunk again.

colton_colton 49

Wednesday 30 December 2015 9:42

Take his door instead

MegasaurusRex89 28

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Wednesday 30 December 2015 9:50

He sounds like quite the handyman.

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Wednesday 30 December 2015 9:51

You should tell him to fix his drinking problem...

Warmonger_Smurf 29

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Wednesday 30 December 2015 9:56

For being drunk he got a shit ton done. That sounds like a couple of months of work for a sober dad.

fundipmermaid143 3

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Wednesday 30 December 2015 10:01

Bob the breaker

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Wednesday 30 December 2015 10:13

Can he fix it? No, no he can't.

rockbandaddict85 22

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Saturday 2 January 2016 5:26

More like Wreck it Ralph.

Babysheegoth17 8

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Wednesday 30 December 2015 10:05

At least he didn't drive?

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Wednesday 30 December 2015 10:08

This reminds me of when i hit a window to fix it.

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Wednesday 30 December 2015 10:16

GG