Today, while at Wendy's with my boyfriend, I realized that he...

By FYLyfer - United States

Today, while at Wendy's with my boyfriend, I realized that he made more pleasure sounds when eating his Baconator than he did while sleeping with me. FML

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Intimacy

Out of it

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Freak Scene

By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I told my boss I need a scrub brush to properly clean the stairs at my workplace. She gave me an old toothbrush. FML

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By WasntMe

In the words of Shaggy...

Today, my husband went through my phone and computer, accusing me of cheating. Baffled and hurt by the untrue accusation, I asked what he found that made him think that. He replied, "Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" Apparently, no evidence IS evidence. FML

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By childdreamkiller - Canada

Today, I took my daughter to see Santa at the mall. When I went to pick her up from Santa's lap, my watch snagged on his beard, pulling it off in front of my daughter and about twenty kids in line. My daughter still isn't speaking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brossard

Today, I sent an email to my teacher asking if a source was a primary source, he replied yes. I got my grade back for my essay and it was worse than I expected. My teacher said it was because I didn't use a primary source. I showed him the email, to which he replied, "Well, I was wrong in the email." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my best guy friend, who I have loved for years. I was talking about school and all of a sudden he said "I love you." I flipped out saying "Oh my god, oh my god. I love you, too!" He responded with "what?" He was talking to his mom, who was walking out the door. FML

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By phonegotlostinthepark - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I lost my phone. I called the number from my friend's phone, hoping I could find it. A guy answered, laughed "Thanks for the phone!" and hung up. FML

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By Fred - France

Today, I couldn't take home the free weights I'd planned on buying to start bodybuilding 'cos I couldn't lift the box, which was too heavy for me. FML

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By - 22/12/2019 18:00

Travel gift

Today, I decided to buy my Chinese Studies professor a gift from Taiwan. So I bought her a mini-Taiwanese passport that said "Republic of China" on it. As it turns out, it was actually a two-pack of travel condoms. FML

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By student101 - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, I got a history project back that I worked very hard on. The teacher didn't bother to write any feedback, besides, "Did you even understand the assignment?" on the back. FML

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By gbabyy - United States

Today, my daughter was playing outside. I was watching her from the window, and I saw her pick up a dead bird. I ran outside to grab her. As I picked her up and started scolding her, she tried to scratch my face. In the attempt, her hand went straight into my mouth. FML

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By PUA - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2020 02:01

The age-old story

Today, the girl I’ve been crushing over for so long told me that I’m a great guy and a catch, but then went on to tell me all about the other guy she’s been sleeping with. FML.

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By Anonymous - United States - Fremont

Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend, when his doorbell rang. He said it was his friend and that he'd be back soon. He shut off his video feed but forgot to mute his audio. A few minutes later, I heard him and some orgasm-faking girl getting it on in the background. FML

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By daenerys stromboli - Ireland - Navan

Today, my parents started fighting at a restaurant. Embarrassed, I went to the restroom to get away and stayed in there for about 15 minutes, knowing how long their fights can last. When I came back, they were gone. They'd ditched me, and left me to walk several miles back home. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after constant avoidance, I saw the man who slept with my mother and caused my parents to get divorced. I desperately wanted to punch him in the face, but instead I had to smile and shake his hand as he gave me my diploma. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my mum was in a bad mood, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her I love her, and giving her a hug. She slapped me hard enough to leave a red, hand-shaped mark on my face, and told me to fuck off with my "sarcasm". FML

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By CatLover<3 - United States - Cibolo

Today, I tried to explain to my cat why I was single, but then I realized why. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Darwin

And you like him why exactly?

Today, the guy I like happened to be munching on biscuits while he was talking to me. The biscuit crumbs were literally falling out of his mouth like a waterfall as he was speaking and munching. The crumbs were landing in my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was helping my dad move into his new house. It's a 4-bedroom house and he has three kids so it's perfect. I was wandering around and noticed that the first bedroom is his, the second is my older brother's, the third is my younger sister's, and the fourth is an office. I have no room. FML

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By scewable - United States

Today, after getting dumped by my boyfriend, I tried to find comfort in one of my closest friends. He embraced me while I struggled against tears, and after a few moments of silence said, "Hey, you know what? I would fuck you anytime. Anytime." FML

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By nonfreehugs - United States - Seattle

Today, a classmate came up to me, quickly shoved a dollar bill down my shirt, threw her arms around me and told me to pretend I was her boyfriend to avoid some other guy. Sad thing is, this is the first girl I've hugged in ages. FML

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By overthehorizon - United States

Today, I thought I would surprise my dad by mowing our entire 2 acre lawn. When he got home, instead of being grateful like I had hoped, he yelled at me for cutting in vertical lines instead of horizontal. FML

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By Party Pooper - United States

Today, my housemates are throwing a huge house party to celebrate finishing their finals. It's 4:30am and people are still arriving. I have my last final in 3 hours. FML

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By Tallow101 - United States

Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML

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By badenoughflowers - United States - Ben Wheeler

Today, my girlfriend returned home from a several week vacation with family. Instead of a happy reunion, I was terribly emasculated, publicly, for bringing flowers that "weren't as pretty as all the other couples' in baggage claim." FML

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By TwiceDaily,Kids - United States

Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML

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By The gay child

Today, a discussion with my father about what to have for lunch turned into a linguistics lesson, then a bible story, followed by religious anti-gay propaganda, and finally a brief discussion on why my brother would make a terrible military dictator. I still haven't gotten anything for lunch. FML

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By dumbAssCollegeStudent - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I finally did my laundry after a good few weeks, only to think another washer was a dryer. I just ran my clothes through the wash 3 times, because I was confused as to why they weren't drying. FML

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By nomoresbfun - United States

Today, I found out that my most amazing spring break ever, will be spent stuck on a ship with my ex. It's been almost two years, and he still isn't over me. Yay. This cruise shall be fun. FML

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By sketchball - United States

Today, my landlord informed me that from now on, she'd prefer if I paid my rent in cash each month. Apparently, I "look sketchy" and she didn't "ever want to deal with the hassle of a bounced check." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother came over again to help me work on my Student Aid application. She also brought over the savings bonds that she has been accumulating since I was born to help pay for college. Turns out they won't reach maturity until I'm thirty. She never bothered to check out this fact. I'm screwed for college. FML

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By pandroida - Canada

Today, my boyfriend admitted to checking out other girls when he's with me. In his defense, "he doesn't look at their face or boobs. Just their ass." FML

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By Anonymous

Weird flex, but OK

Today, I asked the girl who has a crush on me if she was autistic. She replied without hesitation, "I can be whatever you want me to be." FML

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By sarah4241 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Masterchef

Today, I was making some scrambled eggs. I had the eggs in a pan, stirring for about ten minutes, before I realised that the eggs were cooking very slow. I tried to figure out what was wrong for another few minutes before my grandma pointed out to me that the oven wasn't turned on. FML

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By BigFoot - United States

Today, I was trying on some shoes when I felt the heels break underneath me. Not only did they cost two paychecks worth, but as I was leaving I heard the sales girl say that "we really should have a weight limit for who can try on our products." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mahwah

Today, I bought a Santa hat. After wearing the hat for a few hours, I noticed a strange lump near the tip of it. I stuck my hand inside to dig out the mysterious object. It was a dead cockroach. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard a little girl ask her mom if the round lady in purple was pretending to be a giant eggplant. I was the lady in purple. FML

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By Twitchy - Bahamas

Today, I watched a cat pounce on a small bird and rip it to shreds, feather by feather. It wouldn't have been any worse than mildly disturbing, had I not just spent the last 4 weeks nursing the bird back to health from a broken wing. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2020 14:00

Getting fit for all the wrong reasons

Today, for the 28th consecutive day, I went jogging for an hour, even though I never really used to, just to get away from my husband and two kids, because being stuck in lockdown with them is boring me out of my mind. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boulder

Today, I found out that the creepy weirdo who's been sending me messages for a while is just my dad. His excuse was, "I wanted you to feel like someone would actually like you." FML

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Top comments

By lrb081 | 0

#640702 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 2:13

what did you expect? few things rank above sex... and bacon is one of them lol

By Mx_Rider | 6

#640633 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:42

p.s have him eat a baconater while he bones u doggystyle :D

COMMENTS

By Mx_Rider | 6

#640628 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:40

first. and aweee sucks for u

ThatFailed | 0

#643109 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 18:59

Hardly, I baconators are fuckn delicious

austinryansmith | 0

#793225 - Saturday 23 January 2010 16:11

well under stand them baconaters are fucking great

flufffypants | 0

#931766 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 9:37

Well some bacon Is fresh and juicy
yours is not

De3z | 0

#1135237 - Sunday 25 July 2010 0:09

maby you are doing something wrong... but then again, baconators are amazing!!! it's called a stomach orgasm ;)

By chillbro69 | 0

#640632 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:42

maybe you should gain some weight

leyash | 0

#642926 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 16:14

agreed.

By Mx_Rider | 6

#640633 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:42

p.s have him eat a baconater while he bones u doggystyle :D

omghehehe | 0

#641074 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 6:37

LMAO!!!

OP: What to say??? sighhh :)

Kaoticwolf | 17

#6569994 - Tuesday 29 March 2016 17:37

novman vould handle that it would result in instant cummage

By th_fml | 0

#640660 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:54

Try some new positions! It's your new challenge. Say some nasty things to him. heh

Condawg | 0

#808770 - Saturday 30 January 2010 3:46

At first, I thought you said "Say some tasty things to him." And I was like, "This guy's got the right idea."

By xxcrazybestiexx | 0

#640668 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:57

Your fault for not pleasing his needs better than a burger! lol. It's ok. A burger can do ALLl the things you can.

By KaylinGee | 0

#640670 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:57

Boys will be boysss!

By lrb081 | 0

#640702 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 2:13

what did you expect? few things rank above sex... and bacon is one of them lol

By gilly011 | 0

#640723 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 2:26

ydi for sucking at sex ;)

xxcmb3k3xx | 21

#6238285 - Friday 20 March 2015 18:26

well maybe she should start sucking

By perdix | 29

#640752 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 2:49

Three words: Bacon flavored douche.

By DCCookie5 | 0

#640772 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 3:01

That depends. You good in the sack?