Today, while at Wendy's with my boyfriend, I realized that he...

By FYLyfer - 26/10/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, while at Wendy's with my boyfriend, I realized that he made more pleasure sounds when eating his Baconator than he did while sleeping with me. FML

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Intimacy

Ghosted

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Everyone's an expert

By erika - 28/7/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, I got a sunburn all over my stomach from a tanning bed. In an attempt to relieve the itching, I looked up natural treatments since we have no aloe. After trying yogurt, milk and mayo I found out that our water was shut off so the shower could be fixed. I now reek of mayo and milk. FML

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By Paramedic - 17/11/2009 11:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I was the paramedic at the scene of a car accident. One lady was hurt, and we had trouble getting any information from her as she was sobbing. I radioed in the details and said "...a lady in her mid 30's, ETA 10 minutes." She stopped crying, slapped me, and said, "I'm 28." FML

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By sleepingbeauty - 24/4/2016 08:45 - United States - Jackson

Today, I got in a fight with my boyfriend. I sent him a long message pouring my heart out about how hurt I am that he constantly ignores me or responds to almost everything I say in monosyllables. He texted back "ok". FML

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By wilmerjean - 8/9/2011 20:47 - United States

Today, I had to spend the morning and afternoon waiting for my uncle to take a crap after his hernia surgery. It never happened, and in the end I drove home, only to find the highway just as backed up as my uncle's colon. FML

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By savanna(: - 12/2/2011 08:05 - United States

Today, a police officer gave me a ticket for smoking. He told me that my parents would have to be contacted to come pick me up. My drunk dad came to the rescue, and almost hit the police car. Way to go dad. FML

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By scarlett666 - 5/6/2009 02:04 - United Kingdom

Today, on a plane home from Ireland, my husband who was severely hungover, vomitted in a bag before we took off. When he got up to put the bag in the bin the stewardess forced him to sit back down. I had to hold on to a bag full of vomit for a good few minutes whilst my husband was passed out. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were getting at it, and then my parents came home. I heard them and we scrambled to get our clothes on. My dad came into the room and found me wearing her pants inside out with her thong around my legs. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, my sister and I got into a fight. I came home to find everything in my room covered in ketchup. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2014 16:42 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I made up an ingenious plan to finally hook up with the guy I really like at a party. Well, the plan itself worked great. Too bad I got so drunk that I used it on the wrong person. FML

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By Tyler - 25/8/2013 04:30 - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my girlfriend to buy some new clothes, and I turned around to give her a quick kiss. My lips were half-way to "her" face when I saw instead the face of another lady. She slapped me. My girlfriend was standing next to me, very pissed off. FML

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By anon - 31/12/2013 18:13 - United States - Gilroy

Today, my boyfriend knocked into me with his car. I drove myself to the hospital because he couldn't stop laughing long enough to drive. FML

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By Username - 21/4/2011 18:30 - United States

Today, I came home to find that all my porn magazines have been "censored" with a black sharpie. FML

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By cheesfactor - 19/5/2012 19:50 - Bulgaria - Rousse

Today, my wardrobe door jammed, and I couldn't change out into some nice clothes for my date. On the way there, my car broke down. Not wanting to be late and make a bad impression, I scuttled the rest of the way, only to find I'd been stood up. FML

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By midwesternpetclerk - 9/11/2011 04:06 - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my boss for being insensitive to a customer. I'd told her I never heard of the requested item even existing. She walked off shouting, screaming and throwing stuff from the shelf. She wanted to order a bird feeder with heated perches so the bird's feet won't get cold. FML

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By outoflove - 30/6/2014 21:06 - United States - Rockport

Today, my husband came clean to having an affair with my sister. I later found out my other sister encouraged the affair because she thought they'd be a cute couple. FML

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By anonymous - 6/11/2010 21:08 - Canada

Today, I found out that a street performer makes more money than I do. I have a full time job at the bank. FML

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By Bengemon825 - 20/6/2015 19:03 - United States - Manchester

Today, I was trying to sleep in the car, and when I went to rest my face on my fist, our car hit a bump and I ended up punching myself in the face. FML

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By Pudgymom - 21/10/2016 02:08

Today, I ran into an old friend at the store with my infant daughter. As we caught up, she assured me that I could get rid of all my baby weight from the pregnancy. If only I had actually been pregnant. My wife carried her and looks fantastic. FML

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By HaliMali - 22/2/2015 18:21 - United States - Hastings

Today, trying to do a good deed, I gave a homeless guy a $10 bill. As I walked away, he yelled after me, "You fucking bitch!" FML

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By yearbook369 - 25/6/2011 04:31 - United States

Today, my school year book awarded "cutest couple" to my boyfriend and I. We broke up yesterday. FML

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By lolographic24 - 13/2/2010 13:44 - Norway

Today, it was my turn to take out the trash. While walking to the dumpster, I slip and fall. It doesn't really hurt, so I get up and go to the dumpster, but the top is frozen stuck. It won't budge. Then I really pull with a lot of force, and the lid swings open and busts my nose. FML

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By ohhmydamn - 31/7/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I found out if you slide down the stairs on a foam matress topper, it just folds under instead of sliding. Then you slide the rest of the way down on your knees and break your nose at the bottom. FML

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By Twilightsux - 31/1/2010 03:20 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend had replaced our picture in her locket for a picture of Taylor Lautner shirtless. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2013 19:47 - United States - Olive Branch

Today, I was at the grocery store, when a little boy looked up at me and asked if I was a prostitute. FML

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By astraboy - 21/5/2009 09:11 - Australia

Today, I spent 3 hours making a birthday card for my boyfriend, delicately cutting each letter out of printed coloured paper. He used it as a coffee coaster. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 02:01

Spineless

Today, after weeks of thinking about how to ask my crush out, I finally was ready to message her on Instagram, only to find out that she unfollowed me after watching my last story. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2017 18:25 - Australia - Brisbane

Growing old gracefully

Today, I found out that as I get closer to 40, I often need to wipe my arse when I fart. FML

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By kukadaman - 15/3/2010 06:19 - United States

Today, I came home to hear my girlfriend break up with me, over the answering machine, with my entire family in the room. FML

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By wtf - 31/7/2010 23:31 - United States

Today, I got married. During the reception my husband got drunk and told 200+ people that we met at a dingy bar and that we "totally banged" all night. I don't know what's worse, the fact he embarrassed me in front of everyone I know, or if it was that that was not how we met. Not even close. FML

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By talwin - 27/7/2011 04:05 - Reserved

Today, I discovered that the more money I earn, the more my personal belongings break down on me. FML

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By fuck you, boss - 21/12/2013 00:30 - United States

Today, my boss scolded me for being too friendly to our customers and told me to back off and let them do their thing. Less than an hour after doing as he said, he scolded me again, this time for slacking off and not asking them if they needed help finding stuff. There goes my bonus. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 02:35 - United States - Mascotte

Today, I found out you can get hemorrhoids during labor even if you have a c-section. FML

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By notcool - 14/1/2009 14:30 - United States

Today, I finished part of a project. When I asked my coworkers what they thought, they said they liked one of the few things that had already been implemented almost a year ago. Thanks for noticing. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2011 16:16 - Ireland

Today, I came home crying and informed my mother that someone had called me a 'fat bitch' today. She held me at arms length, looked me straight in the eyes, and lovingly said, "You can't change who you are." FML

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By NoOrdinaryNZer - 30/10/2016 11:09 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, an old man, while I was working, asked me to spell average-length words. Confused, I refused. Turns out I was apparently taking too long counting the large amount of small change he'd given to me, and he assumed I couldn't count or spell. I study law, and I've learned basic calculus. Welcome to retail. FML

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By jokada - 10/5/2009 20:39 - United States

Today, while powerwashing my deck, a bee flew and landed on my leg. Thinking I'd just wash it away before it stings me, I aimed the powerwasher nozzle at the bee. A bee sting isn't nearly as painful as powerwashing your leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2010 20:56 - United States

Today, I went outside to scrape the inch and a half of ice off my car so I could get to work. After half an hour of intense scraping, I realized that it wasn't my car. FML

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By Nico - 12/11/2011 15:42 - France

Today, like every day since my birth, my name is Spreme. Yeah, you probably have trouble pronouncing it correctly too. FML

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By TheComputerGuy96 - 22/5/2010 07:56 - Italy

Today, I was locked out of my house. After hours of trying to break the door, I found out I accidentally left a window open. The door, however, still needs to be replaced. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, I gave my 7 year old a snowglobe. I had spent the last week deconstructing it, putting an action figure of his favorite cartoon character inside, and then putting it back together. Later, I find it smashed into pieces because he wanted to "play with the toy it came with." FML

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Top comments

By lrb081 | 0

#640702 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 2:13

what did you expect? few things rank above sex... and bacon is one of them lol

By Mx_Rider | 6

#640633 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:42

p.s have him eat a baconater while he bones u doggystyle :D

COMMENTS

By Mx_Rider | 6

#640628 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:40

first. and aweee sucks for u

ThatFailed | 0

#643109 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 18:59

Hardly, I baconators are fuckn delicious

austinryansmith | 0

#793225 - Saturday 23 January 2010 16:11

well under stand them baconaters are fucking great

flufffypants | 0

#931766 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 9:37

Well some bacon Is fresh and juicy
yours is not

De3z | 0

#1135237 - Sunday 25 July 2010 0:09

maby you are doing something wrong... but then again, baconators are amazing!!! it's called a stomach orgasm ;)

By chillbro69 | 0

#640632 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:42

maybe you should gain some weight

leyash | 0

#642926 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 16:14

agreed.

By Mx_Rider | 6

#640633 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:42

p.s have him eat a baconater while he bones u doggystyle :D

omghehehe | 0

#641074 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 6:37

LMAO!!!

OP: What to say??? sighhh :)

Kaoticwolf | 17

#6569994 - Tuesday 29 March 2016 17:37

novman vould handle that it would result in instant cummage

By th_fml | 0

#640660 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:54

Try some new positions! It's your new challenge. Say some nasty things to him. heh

Condawg | 0

#808770 - Saturday 30 January 2010 3:46

At first, I thought you said "Say some tasty things to him." And I was like, "This guy's got the right idea."

By xxcrazybestiexx | 0

#640668 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:57

Your fault for not pleasing his needs better than a burger! lol. It's ok. A burger can do ALLl the things you can.

By KaylinGee | 0

#640670 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:57

Boys will be boysss!

By lrb081 | 0

#640702 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 2:13

what did you expect? few things rank above sex... and bacon is one of them lol

By gilly011 | 0

#640723 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 2:26

ydi for sucking at sex ;)

xxcmb3k3xx | 21

#6238285 - Friday 20 March 2015 18:26

well maybe she should start sucking

By perdix | 29

#640752 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 2:49

Three words: Bacon flavored douche.

By DCCookie5 | 0

#640772 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 3:01

That depends. You good in the sack?