Today, my dad's conspiracy theory obsession hit a new level of stupidity when he blurted, "False flag" because our toaster stopped working. FML
Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn't bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn't in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, "She's on her period and didn't want the pool to get dirty!" Thanks. FML
Today, I finally got the courage to tell the guy I liked how I felt by making him a mix CD. Confident, I gave it to him. After class, I went to the trash can to throw some paper away. I saw my mix CD in the trash. FML
Today, my mother woke me up and asked to borrow money. Still groggy, I mumbled where my money stash was. She took all $300 and refuses to pay me back because I'm her son and I "owe" her. FML
Today, I was at the breakfast table when my sister started eating a banana. Before I knew what was happening, I'd somehow popped a boner. I had to wait for her to leave before I could stand up. FML
Today, my mom baked cupcakes for my visiting grandparents. Later, I saw my grandpa chowing down on them. Even later, my mom demanded to know why there were a dozen cupcake wrappers on my bed. I've essentially been framed by my own grandpa, and am now grounded for a month. FML
Today, I had to clean up after the kid who discovered he could finger paint with his poo. FML
Today, my boss told me to fire the unstable, former military, gun nut employee. He's been making death threats to his supervisors. FML
Today, I was very sick with a stomach virus, so I went to the only doctor's office open on Sundays. Even though I was feeling like a pile of shit, I waited for a woman who was walking in behind me to hold the door open for her. She was the last patient they could take for the day. FML
Today, I called in to my girlfriend's favorite radio station to propose. After spending what seemed like an eternity telling her how much I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, she took a deep breath, said, "How about no?" and hung up. FML
Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML
Today, it was my birthday. My mom didn't buy me a present, throw a party, or acknowledge the event in any way. Last week it was our dog's birthday, which included a party for all the neighbourhood dogs, and a cake for our dog, made out of bacon. FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that my vagina reminds him of ham. But that's okay, because ham is his favorite food. FML
Today, I watched a grizzled old gas station attendant, with a stain on her blouse, use my driver's license to pick something out of her teeth. FML
Today, I walked in on my little brother making a Devil's trap so he could capture the demon he thinks is possessing my hamster. FML
Today, I was acting as Prince Charming for a 5 year old's birthday party. After my scene at the ball, the narrator asked the kids, "Was the Prince handsome?" and they all replied with a chorus of, "Nooooo!" FML
Today, I asked my friend to stop texting me, because I'm on a limited plan and didn't want to go over my limit. She responded by getting a group of her friends to text bomb me. I got well over a hundred one-word texts. FML
Today, I was shopping at Walmart when I ran into this stalker chick. She introduced me to her baby. He's named after me. FML
Today, the 86 year old guy next door told me I needed three things in life to succeed: a cook book, a boyfriend, and a boob job. FML
Today, my fiancée told me about her new diet. Apparently, she is only going to drink water and tan in a tanning bed so she can photosynthesise. She thinks this will help her lose weight, since she doesn't have to eat anything. I'm dating a dumbass. FML
lucas90 tells us more.
lucas90 2
Hey, I'm the OP! In all fairness, she and her friends were wasted, and I was the designated driver. She didn't remember any of this the next day, and actually found it quite funny. She's not dumb. Sorry to dissapoint you. And to the people that pointed out my typo - yes I'm MARRYING a her. English isn't my first language and I was exhausted when I wrote this. :)
Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. The first thing my dad did was comment that given how pretty she looked in our photos, and compared to how she looks in real life, she's amazing at using Photoshop. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years, the father of my son, has been the pervert who has been harassing my mother with weird texts and pictures of his knob. The cops told me after we went to the police station to report it and catch the creep. FML
Today, I was looking at old pictures with my mom and saw one of myself crying in kindergarten. I asked why I was crying. She said that was the day a boy kissed me on the cheek, and I thought I'd gotten pregnant. She then decided to give me the sex talk. FML
Today, I volunteered to tutor a 17-year-old girl in science. I had to explain in detail of what the real Big Bang theory was, as she only knew about the show. Later, I heard I was reported by her because apparently, "I was trying to convert her to Scientology." I now know why she needed a tutor. FML
sushipanda9 tells us more.
Hey, OP here, anyways I did meet with her today again and of course I had to explain some stuff about the confusion yesterday. I told her the true definition of Scientology which cleared some confusion up. Then I told her that she didn't have to believe in the Big Bang theory but she should at least know it and have a decent grasp on it. She basically shot back "I don't really need to know about it, it's ONLY a theory..." which forced me to explain the actual definition of a scientific theory to her , and I came up with examples such as Cell theory, how parts of gravity are considered theories, Molecular theory, several theories in mathematics, and a bunch of other scientific theories. I knew this would slightly upset her but I didn't expect her to shoot back "You're going to hell if you keep preaching Satan's word. You need Jesus, I don't know what you learned but the Bible has the truth that you need to know." Now that I think about it, I'd rather tutor teenagers who come from higher academic backgrounds ...
Today, my insane roommate yelled at me for using the word "stupid" because apparently it is a slur against mentally disabled people. Later, she went on and on about this "queer" club she's attending to meet "queer" people to talk about "queer" issues. She's not gay. I am. FML
TooLesbian tells us more.
I am the OP for this post. She is not my friend, just the sister of a friend (I live with both). Where I live in Australia, "queer" is still used as a derogatory word against gay people, and gay men and women are often called that by homophobes in public. She is completely straight, but thinks she is revolutionary by joining the gay rights movement as an "ally". Because she knows gay people, she assumes that she is entitled to use words we call ourselves. She knows I'm not comfortable with the word "queer" because I've had it used against me by bullies at high school, but she continues to use it because "it's an umbrella term" (although it isn't, some a word SOME LGBT people call themselves). She isn't a homophobe, and I'm not insinuating that she is - just really annoying.
Today, I was telling my dad about how I emasculated my guy friends because I can drive a stick shift while they can't. He said, "And you wonder why people think you're a lesbian." FML
Today, I was rock climbing. I had my equipment on and I saw a really cute girl. I went for the hardest climb in the gym, and while jumping up to grab the rock, I simultaneously farted, missed the rock, fell to the mat and broke my arm in the process. FML
Today, I moved back to my home town. My best friend and I had arranged to rent a house together that we both liked. I finished my last day at work and made the three-hour drive, only for her to break down and tell me that she isn't "ready" to move out of her parents' basement. She's 25. FML
Today, I got a new cell phone. I was unable to retrieve my old contact list from my old phone, so I sent out a mass email asking my friends to "Give me your contact info, unless you don't want me to text/call you!" No one is responding. FML
Today, I unexpectedly ran into my boss. Last week, I'd met with him every day, putting together a last-minute presentation of my research for him to deliver at conference overseas. It turns out that his passport had expired. FML
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