Miscellaneous: Today, I got a new cell phone. I was unable to retrieve my old... - FML

By Anonymous - 21/09/2009 13:28 - Canada

Today, I got a new cell phone. I was unable to retrieve my old contact list from my old phone, so I sent out a mass email asking my friends to "Give me your contact info, unless you don't want me to text/call you!" No one is responding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 154

You deserved it 12 516

Vulture

Leave us alone

Mondegreens

By Anonymous - 08/02/2016 17:43 - Austria

Today, I made a delicious casserole for dinner. Just as I was about to serve it, a bowl fell from the cupboard above, exploded on the counter and made it rain tiny, sharp glass shards on my food. I can't pick them all out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 827

You deserved it 1 775

Baby you can drive my car

By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 05:01

Today, as usual, I work nights and sleep during the day. I found out that my brother uses my car and never puts gas on it when he called me for the first time to actually ask me if he could borrow my car, and also to lend him $20 to put gas in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 803

You deserved it 90

By SuperJesus - 01/02/2009 10:27 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I masturbated 3 times to the thought of my wife because we don't have sex anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 288

You deserved it 8 039

Scammed

By Anonymous - 13/05/2012 22:00 - Canada - Aldergrove

Today, after a little detective work, I found out the money that recently went missing from my college fund was transferred by my mother, to her own account. She claims it's to pay a parking ticket. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I didn't know they fined people over $3,500 for a parking violation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 312

You deserved it 2 218

By Dunnie - 22/08/2018 18:30

Today, my aunt was itchy down there and sent me to buy a vaginal cream at the pharmacy. The pharmacist was a cute boy and was flirting with me. I said I needed a cream and he asked what for. When I said vaginal cream, he stopped smiling, got the cream, and said, "Good luck." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 456

You deserved it 235

By Dead_Fox - 21/11/2012 05:48 - United States - Jonesboro

Spicy

Today, I had a sex dream, which I interrupted by having an OCD-induced panic attack because apparently we weren't using protection. My brain won't even let me enjoy the fantasy action I get in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 729

You deserved it 3 846

Badass

By zzz - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Campbell River

Today, I was nicknamed "Sandman." Not after the badass Spider-Man villain but rather because my personality is so boring it puts people to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 915

You deserved it 4 366

Mom Jokes FTW

By Embarrassed Daughter - 18/07/2017 08:26 - United States - Erlanger

Today, as we were going through airport security, my mom tried to joke with the person searching her bag, saying, "Just don't take out my vibrator!" She practically shouted it for the whole line to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 236

You deserved it 336

By Soph - 25/03/2013 21:53 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, during a sex ed lesson, we were given a lecture on pregnancy and abortion from the school nurse. Throughout the session she kept repeating, "Of course, Sophie knows ALL about this." The nurse happens to know that my dad's a gynaecologist. That's not what everyone else in the year thinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 607

You deserved it 2 856

By PictureLess - 10/01/2010 17:14 - United States

Today, I got home from a family trip to Disney World. I had taken nearly 300 photos of our trip on my new digital camera. As our car pulled into the driveway, I was using my camera to try to delete one unflattering shot of me. I accidentally deleted every picture off the memory card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 794

You deserved it 38 111

By MALICEG - 26/05/2012 07:00 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, there was a knock on my apartment door. It was the man from next-door, who sarcastically asked if I was alright, because he said he heard me screaming in agony. I was singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 437

You deserved it 4 745

By Anonymous - 05/07/2009 23:20 - Canada

Today, I had to be go to the ER after I fell on a rake. After having stiches put in, my Mom wanted me to go to the store with her. My friend saw me at the store and thought it would be funny to rip off the band aid because she thought I was hiding a zit. She ripped out my stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 517

You deserved it 3 019

By TooGulible - 12/07/2016 20:08 - United States - Madison Heights

Today, I was at work at an ice cream shop when a hot guy came in and started chatting me up. I got him his ice cream and as I handed it to him, he mentioned that I was cute and walked away. Then I realised he hadn't paid for the ice cream, and I didn't even get a date out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 221

You deserved it 3 717

By Anonymous - 29/10/2014 17:06 - United States

Today, my dad vehemently refused to let me go on vacation to France with my best friend, because he watched Taken a few months ago and apparently forgot that it's just a movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 618

You deserved it 4 616

Weirdo

By Alcina - 10/07/2021 14:01 - United States - Staten Island

Today, I learned that my friend's "No shoes in the house" rule was only told to me so he had an excuse to see my feet. I found out when he had a group of us over and I was the only one barefoot, while he didn't care that everyone else had shoes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 912

You deserved it 80

By Anonymous - 15/03/2012 20:08 - Canada

Today, a telemarketer called me and asked if they could speak to my "mommy or daddy". I am 25 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 354

You deserved it 2 774

By Therunawaymoh - 11/10/2018 12:00

Today, my maid of honor and best friend of 10 years won't answer my texts and blocked me on social media. This is because last night she and my fiancé got into a huge drunken fight about who loved me more and she stormed off. I get married in 5 hours and I have no idea where she is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 465

You deserved it 315

By Anonymous - 19/08/2015 12:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my sister recorded the sound of me having intense diarrhea, retching at the stench, and eventually breaking down in tears. I only found out when I saw she'd posted it online, with the caption "lol #gaytard #sorrynotsorry". I've never been called a pussy by so many people before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 933

You deserved it 3 976

By NoTeddies - 21/09/2016 22:48 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, my boyfriend gave me a teddy bear keyring. I had to explain that although many grown women like cuddly toys, I don't. And even if I did, a filthy, soaking wet bear he found in a puddle on the street is not a nice gesture, despite his suggestion I can just wash it in the machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 926

You deserved it 1 279

By Anonymous - 08/07/2012 11:26 - Australia

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend sneeze in his hands, and then lick it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 045

You deserved it 3 478

By Puppylove - 26/02/2013 18:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my friend's house, when she commented that her dog's fur kept getting tangled because of its length. I reached over to tickle his tummy, felt a big tangled knot and agreed that he needed a good grooming. Then I realized what I'd grabbed wasn't fur. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 845

You deserved it 10 247

Doomed

By SweptWolf - 06/06/2020 23:02

Today, my fiancée handed me her engagement ring back and told me she felt like she's pressuring me into marriage, so to make me feel better about it we’re no longer engaged. On top of this, I found out she’s started talking to her ex again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 975

You deserved it 151

By Joel_mama - 27/07/2009 01:12 - New Zealand

Today, while driving home with my parents. I pretended to be asleep so mum wouldn't talk to me. They then took this time to describe what they were going to do to each other when they got home. In full detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 897

You deserved it 20 713

By larrythelobster - 11/02/2017 12:00 - United States

Today, one of my junior marines called to tell me they were in an accident that totaled both cars. The car he hit was parked in a nearby parking garage. It was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 351

You deserved it 462

By alicia75 - 26/03/2014 23:45 - United States - Elkhart

Today, my teacher told us at least 7 different stories about his cat, Jeremy, and how much he eats. And he wonders why we never get anything done in his class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 027

You deserved it 3 542

It's complicated

By illusia - 05/04/2021 16:58

Today, I was screamed at for not doing the dishes because I was exhausted. Last year, when my arm was broken, I did all my chores without complaint. I don’t know how to explain to my parents that I’d much, much rather work with a broken arm than while tired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 128

The grind mindset

By How?! - 06/10/2021 02:00

Today, after enduring chemo, radiation treatments and several surgeries in order to beat cancer, being immunocompromised and catching Covid, I haven’t been able to work for years. Despite all that, I still get told I’m lazy and need to "just go get a job" when I try to get social security. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 298

You deserved it 59

By spark - 27/08/2014 17:19 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after my windshield wipers being stolen twice in a row, I decided to hide in my car to catch the thief. I fell asleep. When I woke up, the new wipers were gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 868

You deserved it 10 018

By whereismyprince? - 18/12/2013 17:01 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I met a great guy at the bar, and we went back to my place. He left before I woke up, leaving a badly-scrawled note saying, "Gone to work, call me!" I couldn't make out the number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 537

You deserved it 7 426

By Mofisto - 15/02/2009 10:43 - United States

Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 232

You deserved it 88 823

Don't hate the playa…

By Dannikins - 05/11/2020 01:01 - United States - San Antonio

Today, the guy I've been looking forward going on a date with had to cancel due to Covid. This wouldn't have been an issue, if I didn't see him later that night posting about him at a bar with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 992

You deserved it 82

By caroline - 29/10/2015 20:02 - Germany

Today, I decided it was time to have "the talk" with my daughter, after I found a thong in the washing machine. She denied it was hers and pointed out how it was too big to fit her. I ended up having a very different talk with my son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 260

You deserved it 2 917

Slicey slicey

By tas2013kid - 01/12/2020 17:03 - Taiwan

Today, I found out I had three strands of pubic hair beside my nipple, so I decided to cut it off with a scissor since I'm going swimming tomorrow. In an attempt to cut off my third strand, I instead excised the cap of my left nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 367

You deserved it 1 059

By meesa in big doo do dis time! - 13/06/2017 12:00

Today, I learned that all of my "friends" refer to me as the, "Jar Jar Binks" of our circle of friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 473

You deserved it 453

By THOMASisMYname - 06/07/2011 17:06 - Canada

Today, I went out drinking with my friends. Being safe as we were a little intoxicated, we took a taxi back. The cab driver was also drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 779

You deserved it 4 603

By Anomaly - 03/03/2015 02:43 - United States - Trenton

Today, I saw a person in my class completing a project that was due two periods later and that they had just started in the bathroom. They got a better grade than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 264

You deserved it 4 797

By I'm stupid - 25/11/2012 15:08 - United States - Naperville

Today, I took a pregnancy test. When I saw that the result was positive, I started crying and showed my mom. She burst out laughing and told me that I had taken an ovulation test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 582

You deserved it 37 823

By wtf - 15/08/2010 12:52 - United States

Today, I found out that my overprotective parents hired a private investigator a month ago, who since then has been watching my perfectly normal boyfriend, in case he "tries to rape or kill" me. We're both 25 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 227

You deserved it 2 883

By Anonymous - 14/06/2014 06:42 - Canada - Regina

Today, my older brother managed to convince my younger sister that she's actually a boy, and that she'll soon be getting a penis in the mail, which she excitedly told everyone she could. He convinced me of the exact same thing as well several years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 445

You deserved it 7 030

By swirkishly - 24/11/2011 16:06 - United States

Today, I was walking through my house when I noticed bits of plaster falling from the ceiling. Against all logic, I looked up, receiving a fragment directly in the eyeball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 909

You deserved it 9 990

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Top comments

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Monday 21 September 2009 20:16

Clearly, your friends don't want you to text or call them. You must be annoying

Send a private message

Monday 21 September 2009 20:16

If you didn't put your name at the end of that statement then I probably wouldn't have responded either.

Comments

123e3 0

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Monday 21 September 2009 20:15

FIRST!

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Tuesday 22 September 2009 0:49

I hate people who think everyone is online always and if 5 minutes later they aren't responding then you think they hate you.

123e3 0

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Tuesday 22 September 2009 1:54

I hate that too

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 1:05

okay i think thats the longest fml comment ever!

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Thursday 11 February 2010 10:29

I know how you feel :(....... lol hell no I m loved all da bitches and hoes want to text me lol your life does suck senior unloved

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Monday 15 February 2010 5:04

#59 is only one with a brain

pingpongpickle 8

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Wednesday 26 May 2010 23:48

wtf 59

YANKSFAN4EVER 0

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Thursday 26 August 2010 6:55

umm your story doesn't line up first how do u send outa mass txt to everyone when you dnt hav there number so there it sounds F A K E and second I probly would hav told them that it was you instead if some person sending out a txt to people who dnt know who they are so I say F A K E

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Monday 21 September 2009 20:16

Clearly, your friends don't want you to text or call them. You must be annoying

Send a private message

Monday 21 September 2009 21:02

LOL ya it's seriously soooo annoying when people send messages like this....I definitely ignore 'em. ...looks like his friends do too.

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Monday 21 September 2009 20:16

If you didn't put your name at the end of that statement then I probably wouldn't have responded either.

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Monday 21 September 2009 20:18

How much time did you give them?

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Monday 21 September 2009 20:20

dude give them some time, maybe they're busy

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Monday 21 September 2009 20:20

SIXTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jcb07 0

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Monday 21 September 2009 20:24

i bet that this was posted 15 minutes after the email was sent. this guy is just being an attention whore emo kid

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Monday 21 September 2009 20:26

maybe the way you worded it made it seems like a spam, coz otherwise, you r fuc**d

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Monday 21 September 2009 20:28

unlucky dude

Send a private message

Monday 21 September 2009 20:31

FYL, get a clue.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22

You deserved it 16

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 124

You deserved it 28

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 930

You deserved it 70