Intimacy: Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but...

By weirdthingtosay - 21/11/2014 09:56 - United States - Kalama

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 805

You deserved it 11 837

Intimacy

Broken heart

Leave us alone

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

So wrong

By Anonymous - 15/06/2020 08:09

Today, my boyfriend came over to meet my family. When I told him I had an autistic brother before he came in, he immediately broke up with me because he claimed autism is another word for overprotective. I've been dating an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 774

You deserved it 201

By ImNotFat - 18/02/2015 04:22 - New Zealand

Today, a photo of my friends and me was posted in our college group. I didn't notice my legs looked enormous until my friend pointed it out. Her comment got 50 likes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 865

You deserved it 3 263

Daddy's little girl

By Anonymous - 07/08/2021 23:01 - Canada - Port Moody

Today, I found out my boyfriend of almost 10 years was/is a Sugar Daddy to a girl I know, for the past 7 months or so. I found out through a mutual friend.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 917

You deserved it 79

By LadyGagasLOVER - 08/08/2010 08:49 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend is moving to Arkansas, and my girlfriend is going with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 699

You deserved it 3 509

By M - 23/05/2011 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to the key cutter for the second time because apartment key I gave to my boyfriend didn't work. The man cut me another key and apologised profusely. When I got home and tried the key, it didn't work. I realised I'd asked him to copy the wrong key. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 054

You deserved it 43 301

By fmT719 - 18/12/2011 23:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I came to the conclusion that my dad must have had a psychotic break, because when I came home, he was wearing sunglasses indoors, and blasted out Skrillex music all through the evening. The sound of diarrhea pouring into a gutter would make for better music than this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 546

You deserved it 17 341

Freaked out

By anon - 07/02/2021 20:01 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst visiting one of my distant cousins for the first time in years, she came onto me. After gently explaining to her that this was inappropriate, she broke down in tears. Whilst I awkwardly comforted her, she started stroking my inner thigh, apparently still trying to seduce me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 900

You deserved it 97

By Anonymous - 23/11/2012 06:17 - United States - Oakland

Today, I saw my cat playing with one of his many toy mice. Knowing he likes to play fetch, I picked it up and threw it across the room. Upon trying to pick it up a second time, I realized that not only was it not a toy, but it was only half-dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 207

You deserved it 3 655

By Anonymous - 15/03/2015 17:54 - United States - Brandon

Today, at Walmart, I overheard a lady telling a teenage girl that the secret to keeping a guy for life is giving him anal, but that it's important to clean your "shitter" beforehand. I can't believe these kinds of sick freaks actually exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 990

You deserved it 9 933

By AlexaSt2611 - 25/08/2010 00:08 - Paraguay

Today, I was enjoying a nice shower in the morning. While I was massaging the shampoo out of my hair, I saw the gardener walking past my bathroom window, yelling "Good morning" and waving in my direction. My left boob politely waved back at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 499

You deserved it 28 298

By Jackedup - 18/05/2011 07:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 1 month came over and told me she wanted to talk to me. We sat down on the couch and she told me she was pregnant and that it was mine. I reminded her that we've never slept together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 420

You deserved it 4 959

By embarassed - 12/10/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store. I saw a very cute guy in the aisle and smiled. He smiled back and blushed a little. He walked over and I flirted with him. He said, "I thought you should know the zipper on your jeans is down" and walked away. It was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 425

You deserved it 6 793

By Noname - 10/03/2009 09:56 - United States

Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub, when she started to breathe heavily. So I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck, she then turns around and says "Tell my room mate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 972

You deserved it 61 152

By uofpalum - 19/03/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I stayed over at my grandparents' house. I woke up and had to brush my teeth. My grandma asked if I had found a toothbrush to use. I told her that I used my old purple toothbrush. She told me that was the toothbrush she used to brush her toenails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 280

You deserved it 10 733

By stinky - 12/12/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, my coworker friend told me she was going to the restroom. Soon after, I did the same. Once in the stall, I could smell a stench emanating from the next one. I yelled, "Ew, you stinky bitch" and sprayed air freshener under the partition. As I left the stall, my friend walked into the restroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 031

You deserved it 46 624

By Help. - 29/09/2011 17:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my violent housemate qualified for a gun license. She picks up her bolt-action rifle on Wednesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 431

You deserved it 3 153

By Anonymous - 05/02/2019 04:00

Today, I bought some new led under glow lights for underneath my car. I was putting them on when my dad came out, insisted on taking over, and then proceeded to break them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 073

You deserved it 634

By GeofftyGeoff - 27/10/2018 15:30

Today, my former boss, a landlord, came through on his "parting gift" to me. I thought he was joking when he said he'd send a deranged tenant of ours cross-country by bus to stay with me for a week. It wasn't a joke. Send help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 051

You deserved it 150

By Simon Cowell - 08/09/2018 20:30

Today, I realised my teeth are so stained that they look cleaner when I've not brushed them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 210

You deserved it 839

By Anonymous - 31/08/2010 21:40 - United States

Today, I was forced to spend an extra $318 for another plane ticket to Dallas. The ticket wasn't for my daughter, my mom, or my sister, but for the quarter of my butt that apparently needs its own seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 847

You deserved it 70 403

By Anonymous - 06/11/2012 02:48 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my best friend got engaged to the guy she's been seeing for five years. He also happens to be the man I've been in love with for eight. As she was giving me the details, she nonchalantly gave me her reason for accepting the proposal: "Why the hell not, there's always divorce." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 331

You deserved it 4 499

A new enemy

By Anonymous - 01/03/2021 02:01 - United States - Great Mills

Today, my cat jumped into my lap and sat on my headphone cord. I tried to get it out from under her by pulling on it. Big mistake. My cat is now eyeing the cord and will attack it if I move it again. I have expensive headphones and the cord is not interchangeable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 651

You deserved it 385

By Tony - 09/03/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about who I wanted to ask to prom. I told her the names of the girls I was thinking of asking and she replied, "They'll say no, but you can always go with one of your cousins." FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 153

You deserved it 3 278

By Anonymous - 18/02/2017 06:00 - Australia - Frankston

Today, after a recent move into my new apartment, I woke up early to study for an upcoming exam. I hadn't left my bed yet or made a sound, when my neighbor texted me and asked why I was awake. No one in the building has my phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 289

You deserved it 490

It wasn't me

By Florida Girl - 09/03/2019 12:00

Today, I met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time today and learned that his mom is from the same area as my dad. Before I could tell a funny story of my dad’s senior prank, his mom said during her senior year, some asshole spray-painted their school mascot on their football field. That was my dad’s senior prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 233

You deserved it 320

By Anonymous - 04/02/2013 17:17 - United States - Durham

Today, my girlfriend lost her virginity. I still have mine, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 227

You deserved it 3 871

Booze don't cure the blues

By Anonymous - 18/02/2021 07:58 - United States - Edison

Today, it was my birthday, and even the person who seemed excited about me finally turning 21 and can legally drink forgot. Guess who got drunk alone tonight? This guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 736

You deserved it 130

He will

By Elissa Roth Gooden - 06/04/2020 14:00

Today, I actually got to meet actor George Takei. He was really sweet and charming, and I was just thrilled. When we parted, I wanted to say either, "I'll always remember this" or "I'll never forget this." It came out as, "I'll never remember this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 857

You deserved it 349

By StairwayToEvan92 - 09/09/2019 22:00

Today, I ran over my third skunk in over 16 days. I should probably return my driver's license to the DMV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 194

You deserved it 430

By WWJD - 01/03/2017 12:00 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend and I lustfully requested we try doggy style this time. He responded, "No, Jesus wouldn't like that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 185

You deserved it 1 570

Baller

By Anonymous - 26/06/2020 17:00

I agree, your life sucks 1 880

You deserved it 157

The Three Bears Conundrum

By Madison43097 - 24/09/2009 20:57 - United States

Today, I was cleaning out from underneath my bed and found a used condom. I've never had sex in my own room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 653

You deserved it 2 519

What a catch

By Anonymous - 30/09/2021 02:00 - Australia

Today, rather than get me a birthday present, my boyfriend just got angry that I got gifts from other people. Apparently, it "made him feel guilty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 072

You deserved it 84

Thanks mom, you're the best

By prego - 30/04/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, I called my mom into my room to ask her to bring me something. She referred to me as a "lazy fat slug." I'm 38 weeks pregnant and was put on emergency bedrest by my doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 743

You deserved it 4 869

By Anonymous - 07/02/2016 06:11 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, barely 2 hours into a 5 hour car ride home, my mom accidentally let slip that she's been cheating on my dad. I had to sit with the bitch in a diner for ages while my dad bawled his eyes out alone in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 644

You deserved it 1 635

By choker - 14/03/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I went to Walmart with my mom. At the check out line I was eating a bag of chips as my mom bought her stuff. I inhaled while eating and I started to choke. The cashier asked me if I was okay. My mom just waved her hand, and said, "Sometimes she does that for attention, ignore her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 697

You deserved it 8 260

Go mom!

By disgusted - 04/10/2012 23:24 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was watching TV with my mom, when a plumbing ad came on. A hot guy showed up on-screen and said, "I'm here to snake your drain." My mom immediately piped up with, "Oh, I'd let him snake my drain any day." Thanks for that imagery, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 615

You deserved it 3 258

By frigid - 12/10/2011 01:05

Today, I found out my landlord is too cheap to turn up the hot water tank enough to have a comfortable shower. There's a huge padlock on the door, she won't budge, and I'm signed in until December. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 913

You deserved it 2 322

By arse-face - 28/06/2013 23:22 - Ireland - Caher

Today, a group of friends and I went out to a fancy club together. The doorman checked us out and let everyone in. Everyone except me, that is. The doorman's reason: "Her face looks like a baboon's arse." My "friends" all went in anyway, leaving me to walk all the way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 920

You deserved it 4 851

By herdopera - 29/10/2018 17:30

Today, my parents announced they are adding a sister-wife to our very conservative Christian family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 935

You deserved it 219

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Top comments

horneyhic 15

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Friday 21 November 2014 15:49

So "help" him get it back

TanzWolf 26

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Friday 21 November 2014 15:51

Better then most girls, others would have posted an FML saying "Today, a really hot guy I was getting to second base with said my boobs were "soft like cake". FML"

horneyhic 15

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Friday 21 November 2014 15:49

So "help" him get it back

Sports_guy3 28

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Friday 21 November 2014 15:52

#1- Your name fits your comment perfectly

tooyoungtooold 11

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Saturday 22 November 2014 7:11

And Wingman of the Year Award goes to...

beserker81 12

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Sunday 23 November 2014 5:41

You have to admit the guy is fucking hilarious

cmchappy 25

Sunday 23 November 2014 17:23

Maybe make it up to him by wearing whipped cream next time

creativityisnt 19

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Friday 21 November 2014 15:50

What was he expecting?

PennyLane27 32

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Friday 21 November 2014 19:45

Cupcakes?

doctorhook86 24

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Friday 21 November 2014 21:05

#2: That she wouldn't embarrass him during sex.

Stazza11 27

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Friday 21 November 2014 23:23

47, if you refer to someone's titties as soft cake in or out of the bedroom prepare to be laughed at.

nchic01 17

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Friday 21 November 2014 15:51

angel food cake?

TanzWolf 26

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Friday 21 November 2014 15:51

Better then most girls, others would have posted an FML saying "Today, a really hot guy I was getting to second base with said my boobs were "soft like cake". FML"

MattM95 16

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Friday 21 November 2014 16:01

But who doesn't like cake?

Enslaved 36

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Friday 21 November 2014 19:19

Or Today a hot guy saw my teeny tiny boobs and said they were "flat like pancakes". FML

caleb_9756 14

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Saturday 22 November 2014 0:14

I want to hear the FML in the guy's place. Today, I was getting to second base with a girl, and I said her boobs were "soft like cake". She started laughing, and I got so embarrassed I lost my boner. FML

DenverTyrrell 13

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Friday 21 November 2014 15:56

Ha ha ha if I had boobs and somebody said that I would laugh! Btw there are things you can do that can "help" him with that situation :)

poronator 3

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Friday 21 November 2014 16:13

You're too young for this.

MrConcise 34

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Friday 21 November 2014 16:15

He's 15, what planet do you live on?

PennyLane27 32

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Friday 21 November 2014 19:47

"You're too young for this" says "pornonator"....

TanzWolf 26

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Friday 21 November 2014 21:12

It's poronator, moron.

randomguy236 3

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Friday 21 November 2014 22:26

It's still young ... shld focus on his studies...!!! :-D

ztress 10

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Friday 21 November 2014 23:22

He looks like 8

caleb_9756 14

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Saturday 22 November 2014 0:19

#59, In what fucking world do you live in where eight year olds look like that?

kittyfrozen 19

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Saturday 22 November 2014 0:50

i keep thinking that you are a girl until i clicked into your picture and realized that... sorry :/

Mauskau 35

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Saturday 22 November 2014 1:41

It's the placement of what looks like a picture frame, looks like a cute little bob :3

BadApple88 29

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Friday 21 November 2014 15:58

It's not like he won't ever get another boner...

doctorhook86 24

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Friday 21 November 2014 21:11

#7: I dunno what medical school you graduated from, but it's a Commonly Known Fact(TM) that men only get a certain number of erections in their life, and every time the use one without orgasm, that erection is lost forever. This is the male equivalent of a woman's "biological (fertility) clock", and is also the reason why older men can't get erections without drugs--they used up all their boners. Trust me, I'm a doctor.

BadApple88 29

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Friday 21 November 2014 22:12

So what you're telling me is, if they attempt to have sex another day he won't get a boner? Oh. -_-

syed121417 22

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Friday 21 November 2014 23:09

Yes but, he's obviously going to get another boner at some point. Yes, men have a limited number of erections but I doubt that was his last one?

waroftheroses 16

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Saturday 22 November 2014 0:09

wow...really #56?? No words can explain.

mafuyu_fml 10

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Saturday 22 November 2014 6:07

@56, You actually thought what he wrote about limited erections was... true? Please, do not share this wisdom with your friends. Also, the correct medical condition is called "Erectile Dysfunction" in case you want to look up the reason why men resort to taking viagra. Not all men, old or young, have to take viagra.