By sucks at sucking - 15/12/2012 00:27 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
I agree, your life sucks 39 829
You deserved it 9 214

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well I can shoot at you so maybe it is.

It's not your fault, since its your first time, you don't know what the guy's sex rhythm is. FYL , that was a DICK thing to say.


imperfections55 1

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aussieaccents 7

Least now you know you won't be any good at being a prostitute.

RvidxrKlvn 8

Yeah 27 i can't imagine how disappointed she is...

Yeah because good sex tricks are learnt from **** movies... Grow up, **** actresses fake most of time. You're in for a major disappointment if you think that your sex life should relate to some fantasies. That was incredibly unfeeling and insulting of her (hopefully ex) boyfriend. First of all it was her first time doing that so he couldn’t expect her to be perfect, secondly if you like things a certain way, you TALK about it and tell your boyfriend / girlfriend how you like things to be done. The guy is a ********.

I'm with 59. Sexual desires and needs must be talked amongst each other in a relationship. Otherwise, people become unhappy and unsatisfied and both get to a point of no return. On my first date, I told my now boyfriend what I liked and didn't like. I know that's ballsy but no one likes wasting each others' time (no, we didn't have sex for weeks when we were first a couple).

Pretty much what I'd say. I have an active sex life with my partner of eight years and that's largely because we communicate about it in a respectful manner. And it's managed to survive some doozies (like libido-killing antidepressants, surgeries, and being stuck living with parents when we both went back to university). I'd talk about this with your boyfriend. And if he's too immature to apologize and treat you respectfully, time to look for someone who will.

tosch678 2

But it's HIS penis so he knows what feels good... And I don't see how an actress can "fake" a ********.... The rest of it yea... But that would be like "faking" driving to work but still getting in the car and still getting to work.

59- how do you fake giving head? I understand your point that the boyfriend was a dick about it. But, faking orgasms is a different topic

I agree, watching **** can defiantly increase once skills in the bedroom, but you also have to have some to begin with.. I have given lessons to people on how to give head, and it's easy to just say what to do, but they have to understand too..

84: You're right about it being his. Key word, though. Everybody is different. If he doesn't respond to her with his likes and dislikes, then nobody gets anywhere. And since he was a jerk, I'm sure she's not exactly itching to ever do it again. Also, **** is all about the visual. Male **** stars are valued not only on their size, but their ability to get it up at the drop of a hat, and maintain it under pressure and on a set, stuff like that. As for the woman, some of the stuff she does is more for looks than for pleasure. So while it might look like it would feel amazing (and honestly, seeing somebody do something crazy does help), it may not always feel good in practice.

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KiddNYC1O 20

102- What are you? A ******** guru? That's tmi.

chell1894 13

I think 59 meant the men fake "having the best ******* ever" for the camera when really it was just blah. The ******* is for camera not actual pleasure

mduffy08 8

116 - Says the guy that has to watch **** to get sex moves.

looool my girlfriend did the same thing OP said she was doing her first time xD

well I can shoot at you so maybe it is.

Airman1988 9

It's a fireman rub his helmet and he will spit on you. (Southpark reference)

ise3 10

I thought that line was funny..

Tell him it's a coincidence that he said that, and you nickname it 'the shotgun'.... no?... ok...

It's not your fault, since its your first time, you don't know what the guy's sex rhythm is. FYL , that was a DICK thing to say.

strawberrywine22 30

49- you're one to talk...squishy*...usernames are never spelled right. Get over it.

Squishii is how my nephew used to spell my nickname. He thought it was my real name until he was like 9, so I spell it this way out of affection for him, since I haven't seen him for a few years. Usernames aren't always spelled incorrectly, lovebug

...Well, technically, your name's still spelled incorrectly in the end...

Of course it is. I have a reason for it, though. It's my nickname and has been for 15 years at least. It's obviously spelled with two I's on purpose. "lama" isn't an obviously purposeful mispelling. It'd take an absolute shit-for-brains not to see the difference

Who cares how he spells HIS username, that's why it's HIS, and not YOURS.

BellaBelle_fml 23

How do you know it wasn't spelled correctly for them? Maybe they have a story to go with their choice of spelling llama in their username? You don't know now do you? Shut up.

It's not spelled "correctly" for anyone. He could be spelling "lama" as a joke, though if he was he easily could have jumped to his own defense in explanation. As it is, my correcting his spelling is so low on the scale of Things That Matter, that I honestly am very, very entertained that so many people are as enraged as they are. Have a coke and a smile and chill the **** out :)

Hiimhaileypotter 52

#88: You are a COMPLETE hypocrite! Your argument "____ isn't spelled right for anyone!" could be used against you too. Just stop.

I love seeing comments on FML where people make a **** of themselves, then continue to dig themselves in deeper and deeper holes.

karlee333 11

Lol, I love it when people contradict themselves on comments, thinking they sound all smart and shit when really they're just sounding more stupid with each comment they post. xD

karlee333 11

That, and she got all pissed when people were getting enraged over her spelling, when she commented first about correcting someone spelling. Fucking hypocrites xD

I think, darling, that you're continuing to use the word "hypocrite" incorrectly. I readily acknowledged that my username was mispelled. going so far as to state, verbatim, "of course it is." I also said that Mr. Whostolemylama might well have mispelled his as a joke though if he had he could have easily pointed that out, had he cared to. I am not in any way being a hypocrite, nor am I "enraged", though I find it adorable that your vernacular is so limited that you can't think of a different way to say "upset" when I obviously said it about you lot first. I don't lay any claim to that particular adjective though. Use it all you want, doll BTW, "Chill the **** out" and -paraphrasing here- "this really doesn't matter" have never, in the history of ever, been indicative of rage. Why can't everyone just calm their **** and enjoy the FML? One little correction has all of you silly bitches on a rampage.

Oh woops, 107, you said "all pissed", not "enraged". Haha my bad. Was just skimming the comments, it's an awful habit. Where, though, did I gove any indication that I was "all pissed" at you lot having PMS-Induced bitchfits about my 7-word sentence? I think I stated it was quite adorable, actually. If anythibg I'm pissed that the American public school system completely ****** you up regarding what the word "hypocrisy" means. It's really not fair to you :/ I'm so sorry.

My foot hurts a little bit. I stubbed my toe on a rolling rack this morning.

lamdat5r 10

Did someone steal your sweetroll?

SenselessPattern 12

Or did you take an arrow to the foot?

107, you misspelled give........just thought you should know

opps those were to 130 the squishy hypocrite

150 you made the same mistake twice :) Nice to be part of the club, isn't it?

150 also, it's "oops", not "opps". We can do this all day, if you'd like. I don't mind at all

Remember when we were talking about the op's current inability to suck dick? Those were the days...

Sawarski 13

152 Stop digging your hole and shut up. You are absolutely a hypocrite whether you think so or not. The fact that you are using big and uncommon words does not help you. Please, just stop and leave it alone you've already proved your stupidity and hypocritical ways.

AllThingsBright_ 11

131- I find it sad that your vernacular is so limited that you keep using 'cute' and 'adorable' about comments that make yours look like the shit it was.

karlee333 11

Mm, you quite remind me of this chick that I hate at work. She tends to overuse the words 'adorable, darling, doll, hun,' etc , like you. Try expanding your vocabulary a little bit , please? And 148- those words weren't even in my post...? Where is this apparent 'grammatical error' present?

154 - i remember to those days * sighs *

ShadowlessSpear 21

I have no idea. All I noticed was the original complainer about spelling in the post misspelled the word 'misspelled' and 'misspelling.'

blcksocks 19

Maybe OP just sucks at foreplay. Also, Foreplay isn't the same for guys as it is for girls.

Let me guess, you're a hit it and quit and it kind of guy? Foreplay makes both partners cum even harder since there is so much anticipation built up. A quickie is only fun when you're on a time limit and super horny.

^yes, to you, as you are a girl. As he pointed out, foreplay is different for guys than it is for girls.

^Not to boast my sexual life on here but my boyfriend and I do foreplay on each other every time unless we are doing a quickie. And, no, it's not the same foreplay every time. We switch it up. The one thing I only know to be true is that men will ****** faster than a woman. Foreplay helps the guy last a lot longer if they are going to have sexual intercourse.

reallytho3 11

So I'm guessing he doesn't like to be teased...

Tell him... If only it were the size of a shotgun!!!

Or not to call it a shotgun just because it looks like a 12-gauge...

AliceLockehart 18

Pretty sure my lady parts just curled up & died at the thought of a penis the size of a shotgun. Ouch.

KaeporaGaebora 4

This is my rifle, this is my gun. This is for fighting, this is for fun.

He's got a sawed-off shotgun. Tell him he can keep his own hand on the pump.

CountMango 5

That's honestly an awful thing for him to say. He should be thankful :P

well the dude was embarrassed. I mean, I'd be as red as a tomato, if someone ever just stared at my penis.

Yeah, he should be thankful. Most guys don't even GET ******** anymore.

I am really thankful for this horrible *******, has said no one, ever. OPs bf shouldn't have told her that way, but I still think having boring/bad intercourse with someone is nothing to be thankful of.

36- 10 isnt saying that OP should be thankful for the bad *******, 10 is saying (or at least this is how i took it) that OP should be thankful that he has a girlfriend who is willing to try! OP really is a dick if he expects her to give an amazing ******* on her first time. I mean, come on. She can't read minds. If OP likes it a specific way, then he should have the patience to hint at it and help her discover how to please him.

36- He should be thankful for the effort she's putting into it. She doesn't HAVE to do that for him. I certainly wouldn't if my boyfriend said that to me.

I totally agree with 36, that was a bit mean.

I think, though, that OP pumped so hard that it was more painful than pleasurable. That BJ was worse than no BJ.

Airman1988 9

Tell him that obviously its not a shotgun cause the barrel is too short.

rikitsumiatsu 11

Snub nose revolver. And they take forever to reload.