Today, I went to see a movie with 4 friends. I didn't realize... - FML

By Devin - 2/8/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, I went to see a movie with 4 friends. I didn't realize that I was the only one who didn't have a date. The theater row had just enough room for everyone but me, I got to sit in back of everyone else while they were making out in front of me for 2 hours. FML

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Whatthefuckaburger

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Assumptions

By Xandriajoy10 - 8/3/2016 11:56 - Australia

Today, a fly flew into my ear canal and got stuck. It was the most horrifying 2 minutes of my life. FML

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By LonelyBoy - 1/2/2011 13:05 - Australia

Today, I was going through the history on my computer. Apparently, while I was at school my mother used my computer, and I now know my mother wants to learn how to make her breasts look larger, amongst other things. FML

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By oops - 19/4/2011 15:37 - United States

Today, as I was out walking, one homeless man sitting with two others asked me for something to eat. Trying to do a good deed, I bought the three men a bag of apples. They then fought viciously over them before the first man chased me for handing them to "the wrong one." FML

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By sallyfradoodle - 13/3/2020 21:00

New Romantics

Today, I told my boyfriend of two years that he was my first kiss. His reply? I was the first person he ever whacked off to. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2020 14:00

Pissed

Today, I went to the hospital, which was super busy. I did a pee test when I first arrived. After 5 hours of waiting, they told me they'd lost my pee. How do you lose someone's piss? FML

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By gross - 20/10/2010 16:14 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed with a pedestal fan on facing us when my boyfriend sneezed. Where did he sneeze? Into the fan, which then sprayed it all over my face. FML

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By JJ - 14/11/2009 03:07 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me a text saying: "I don't think we can see each other anymore, the nights were great, but I think I'm falling in love with Julie". I'm Julie. FML

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By SM - 30/10/2009 03:35 - United States

Today, at work one of my co-worker was oddly nice to me; and my boss, who usually always says hi to me, didn't look or speak to me. Later that day I found out that I was going to be fired, not because my boss told me but because my picture was missing from the wall of employees. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2011 14:05 - United Kingdom

Today, the only thing that managed to get me out of bed was scrambling to watch my neighbours have a screaming match in the middle of our street about which one of their brain-dead kids spray-painted "CUNT FLAPS" and a rudimentary knob on the communal garage door. FML

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By notsohot - 25/8/2019 00:01

Today, I showed up at my boyfriend's house with nothing under my coat but some sexy lingerie. He told me he was working on an assignment, and made me wait three hours before he'd have sex with me. FML

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By kansasgirl - 2/3/2010 18:21 - United States

Today, my two year old decided to run out the front door alone. I ran after him, tripped over the bottom of my jeans, fell onto the sidewalk and scraped up both my hands and knees. My neighbors just watched. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2015 13:31 - United States

Today, I walked into the restroom at work to see my boss standing at the urinal, pissing like a toddler. He had his pants around his ankles, ass fully exposed. Now I'm never going to be able to take anything he says seriously. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2009 23:36 - Canada

Today, I was checking into a hotel with my boyfriend. A few minutes after we get to our room, the cops show up to our door asking to see some ID from the both of us. The hotel staff had called the cops on us because they thought I was underage and he was going to molest me. I'm 21 and he is 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I went upstairs to scold my boys for running in the house because someone could get hurt. As I turned around to come back downstairs I tripped and fell all the way down to the landing at the bottom. I could hear them laughing in their rooms. FML

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By RainyDay - 11/4/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, My friend and I were stopped at a red light while it was pouring rain. We heard a screeching noise off in the distance and thought, "Hope someone doesn't get hit." Someone did get hit. We did. From behind. FML

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By EvictingItSoon - 8/3/2020 23:07

The miracle of barf

Today, what I thought was food poisoning is actually a baby. FML

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By humdrummitydrum - 19/8/2014 20:46 - United States

Today, my new doctor gave me a breast exam and said everything was healthy, before adding "Well, I think so, anyway. I don't actually work here." As I freaked out, he laughed out loud, said he was just kidding, and that he should prescribe me a chill pill. FML

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By TCRII - 13/6/2018 15:52

Today, my estranged wife, who I am divorcing, asked me to find homes for our animals. I have a dog, which I am keeping. She has 3 dogs, 4 cats, 1 pig, 3 goats, 2 horses and 54 chickens. FML

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By winneuse - 5/6/2015 02:30 - France - Allennes-les-marais

Today, for the first time since kindergarten, I won! I came first! Yes, I'm first on the waiting list for the M.A. degree I applied to. FML

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By bestgirlfriend - 3/9/2015 23:31 - United Kingdom - Stockton-on-tees

Today, my dad made me and my boyfriend break up. Not because he was a bad influence, but because I was. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2014 03:46 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was walking and saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realize a kid was laying them out in a trail. I had collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML

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By that guy - 18/11/2014 00:19

Today, I failed my driving test before even leaving the DMV parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 05:32 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and my pee split into 4 different streams, none of which actually hit the toilet. FML

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By seriouslybored - 17/6/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, I spent a full hour working on my British accent. FML

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By Mouhahaa - 9/5/2012 03:48 - France

Today, my wife stabbed my hand with a fork, making it bleed. I'd only tried to take some fries from her plate. FML

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By 404: fuck not given - 23/11/2014 16:34 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I started to get horny while watching TV with my husband. I tried turning him on by telling him I wanted his cock. He cheerfully replied without looking away from the TV, "If only I gave a fuck, babe, if only I gave a fuck!" FML

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By anonymous - 23/11/2010 09:32

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year because I discovered she had been cheating on me. Her defense was, "It wouldn't be a problem if you were just OK with this." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2015 15:37 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, my wife paid a man with a fake crystal and an even faker accent to investigate the creakiness of our apartment complex floors. $300 later, she told me he'd found a "sinkhole of chi energy" and that the building may collapse if we don't pay him to disperse it. I want a divorce. FML

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By WellThatSucks - 23/5/2016 09:15 - United States

Today, I discovered my dog pooped in my bed, under the covers, by rolling over onto it. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 23:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent two hours making a cake that I'd promised my class for weeks. I boarded the train to school, but soon dozed off. A few minutes later, I awoke with a start and noticed a chunk of the cake missing and a homeless man next to me with frosting around his mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, we had to discuss our heritage at school. When I told the class that I am German, Japanese, and of the Jewish faith, the teacher loudly laughs at the "irony." Something like this happens whenever I tell people my background. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2019 04:00

Make it easy on yourself

Today, I had depressive feelings, so I decided to write about it to find out what was bothering me, and let go of the negative thoughts. While doing so, I had a panic attack. FML

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By broke - 5/5/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I got home from visiting my long-distance girlfriend. I spent $366 to get a plane ticket to visit her for the week. The day after I arrived there, she broke up with me and I had to buy a ticket for an earlier flight home. With fees and penalties, I paid around $550 to be broken up with. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 05:10

Today, I finally got a promotion at work. Today I also found out that no matter how long I work, no matter how much effort and unpaid overtime I put in for 6 years, my coworkers will be convinced I only got promoted because I'm the CFO's son. FML

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By Lo_Bolian - 25/4/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I was taking the bus home. A dirty homeless man boarded the bus, put his bag on the overhead rack, and sat down. His bag was leaking and dripped onto my shoulder. I asked the man what it was. He said, "Roadkill." I now have dead animal blood on my best business suit. FML

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By bullsonyourface - 30/9/2019 20:00

Bread is serious stuff

Today, it's my 6-year anniversary with my fiance, but due to a lot of different family issues, I had to drive 9 hours with my dad to go visit them. Long story short, there was a giant argument about bread, my dad stormed out and I'm left to deal with this shit storm. FML

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By dolceconfuoco - 20/10/2011 16:44 - United States

Today, I have an ear infection, and everything I hear echoes inside my head. I'm an orchestra teacher, and we have our first concert next week. FML

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By strikeout - 4/9/2009 02:47 - United States

Today, I skipped class to take the girl I like to the airport, and after giving her a goodbye hug I kissed her on the cheek. She laughed and said "Maybe we should discuss some boundaries when I get back." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2019 18:00 - United States

Today, I ordered takeout. When I looked in the bag, I saw they'd included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, then estimated that there must be at least four people eating such a large meal. I was eating alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 00:38 - Canada

Today, my cousin and I found out that when a girl puts a flower in the right side of her hair, it means she's available. The bigger the flower, the more available she is. My eleven year old boy cousin told me to cut down a palm tree and put it in my hair. FML

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Top comments

By no1askdu | 5

#449992 - Sunday 2 August 2009 12:04

shouldve threw popcorn at them

By caancoha | 0

#450018 - Sunday 2 August 2009 12:10

That blows, being single while everyone else is paired off is never fun. Hope you ripped the friend who invited you a new one, how inconsiderate.

COMMENTS

By no1askdu | 5

#449992 - Sunday 2 August 2009 12:04

shouldve threw popcorn at them

Reply

F_U_GUY | 0

#450059 - Sunday 2 August 2009 12:28

He should have joined in

Reply

RR05 | 0

#450239 - Sunday 2 August 2009 15:05

haha you must be ugly

Reply

bloodthorn | 4

#450285 - Sunday 2 August 2009 15:52

YDI for being an ugly fuck that can't get a gf worth a shit

hell i can get a gf. if i can then ANYONE should. idiot

Reply

americayay | 0

#452167 - Monday 3 August 2009 4:26

He should've watched the movie.

Reply

jdizzle1245 | 0

#455653 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 6:30

maybe he didnt know that it was a group date thing and actually has a smoking hot gf back at home?

i bet your just a 50 year old virgin who has nothing better to do than make fun of people on the computer at your moms house

Reply

turkeymonster39 | 0

#1260957 - Wednesday 18 August 2010 3:02

OP you're friends sound really immature

Reply

frobbsdelahoyde | 7

#5480715 - Monday 6 May 2013 14:10

Your*

By backformorebitch_fml | 0

#449993 - Sunday 2 August 2009 12:04

get over it.

By Bansheethekilla | 2

#449998 - Sunday 2 August 2009 12:06

So what, you couldve said hjey im still here

Reply

cataelophobia | 1

#452752 - Monday 3 August 2009 9:08

you could have left..

By jphon | 0

#450016 - Sunday 2 August 2009 12:10

next time try to get numbered seats!

Reply

perfectwinds | 0

#450530 - Sunday 2 August 2009 17:26

What kind of movie theater near you has numbered seats??

Reply

Armin_fml | 0

#450739 - Sunday 2 August 2009 19:13

I know several lol :/

Reply

turtlellama | 0

#451011 - Sunday 2 August 2009 21:03

There are two within ten minutes of me.

By caancoha | 0

#450018 - Sunday 2 August 2009 12:10

That blows, being single while everyone else is paired off is never fun. Hope you ripped the friend who invited you a new one, how inconsiderate.

By Action_Batch | 0

#450023 - Sunday 2 August 2009 12:11

Ever think the reason you don't get dates is because you complain about stupid shit?

By NGM_47 | 0

#450026 - Sunday 2 August 2009 12:11

Well would you rather be stuck in between both couples while they were kissing? I think that would be more annoying and embarrassing than your FML...

By Pedestrian | 0

#450032 - Sunday 2 August 2009 12:12

I feel your pain, man :(

By djrocksolid01 | 0

#450065 - Sunday 2 August 2009 12:31

In this case it's hoes before bros.

Reply

metheonlyb | 17

#450569 - Sunday 2 August 2009 17:42

Exactly. Hoes before bros. You need friends who respect the pact of bros before hoes.!

Reply

FreddyLunch | 0

#450606 - Sunday 2 August 2009 18:05

Bros before hoes 'til the end.

Reply

Xo_fml | 0

#450757 - Sunday 2 August 2009 19:24

Chicks Before Dicks. :P

Reply

Superflyshyguy | 0

#976836 - Friday 9 April 2010 11:48

Juggs before pluggs:/

By nirvan5a | 1

#450076 - Sunday 2 August 2009 12:44

if i was u, I don't care, if u really think it's fml, go out and get someone don't fucking complain bitch.

Reply

OreosBeGooood15 | 0

#1536148 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 5:36

Fully agree.