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OP Captain is pushing 25 lbs. he's a big cat. And is very violent when he's scared. Also he likes to hide in odd places. So the recling couch is his favorite fort. The rest of you, I'm Not explaining shit. I

By Anonymous - 01/01/2014 17:47 - United States - New Milford

Today, I woke up hungover and with $13 stuffed in my bra. I'm not a stripper, and I'm not sure how it got there, but that's the most money I've had on me in weeks. FML

agreeclassic 42 103

vote type 1 9 522

By Anonymous - 02/01/2014 09:50 - United States - Southerly North Slope Bo

Today, I tried proving to my best friend that I wasn't a lesbian by telling her I once liked her brother. She was mad because I never told her and now she's calling him. FML

agreeclassic 42 103

vote type 1 6 350

Wide words

By julia - 11/06/2011 11:12 - United States

Today, my five year-old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML

agreeclassic 42 102

vote type 1 7 823

By MaydayManic - 10/08/2011 13:11 - United States

Today, I finally went to my boyfriend's house to meet his family. When they were giving me a tour of the house, I noticed a Nazi flag on my boyfriend's bedroom door. FML

agreeclassic 42 101

vote type 1 5 049

By single - 20/10/2013 23:21 - United States

Today, I met up on a blind date. He took a phone call one drink in and said he had to leave because he didn't know it was his buddy's birthday, and they were having a party without him. I offered to split the bill and put out a $20. He got up, unlocked the bicycle behind us and rode off. FML

agreeclassic 42 098

vote type 1 3 706

By cb - 25/11/2013 18:58 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I have to spend the whole day in a moving truck with my dad. He had beans for dinner, and it's too cold to crack open a window. FML

agreeclassic 42 094

vote type 1 4 087

By Anonymous - 26/11/2013 16:43 - United States - Erie

Today, I had a family get-together for my birthday. I got to watch all my family members get piss-drunk and argue over who's having the worst time. FML

agreeclassic 42 091

vote type 1 3 573

Can't take it anymore

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML

agreeclassic 42 088

vote type 1 6 607

By ShayanFCB - 20/10/2009 19:35 - United States

Today, my boss was angry at me because I had filed a complaint about him refusing to change our phone service to something more reliable. Later, a customer called him and said I had hung up on him. I got fired. I didn't hang up on the customer, the phone service just dropped the call. FML

agreeclassic 42 086

vote type 1 2 749

By Anonymous - 24/01/2011 18:30 - United States

Today, I was backing out of my snowy drive way on my way to work. I thought I hit a lump of snow. I'd run over my white cat. FML

agreeclassic 42 086

vote type 1 8 025

By nimrod23 - 18/10/2009 09:28 - Australia

Today, as I was walking home late at night, some asshole threw a lit cigarette butt out of their balcony. It fell between my glasses and my eye and left a burn mark on my cheek. FML

agreeclassic 42 085

vote type 1 2 537

By banana - 04/02/2009 20:20 - United States

Today, I hooked up with this man for the first time. He takes his shirt off and has a chestful of black hair. He had his name shaved into it. FML

agreeclassic 42 083

vote type 1 8 700

Bon voyage!

By greaaaatt. - 25/07/2010 05:45 - United States

Today, I found out that I get to spend the next two weeks at my grandparents' house, which smells like cat litter, while the rest of my family takes a cruise through the Caribbean. They can't afford to take a ninth person. FML

agreeclassic 42 081

vote type 1 2 933

Kids these days…

By Anonymous - 13/04/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, my two year-old cousin was having a temper tantrum. I decided to give him a flashlight because playing with it usually distracts him. It didn't. Instead, he hit me in the face with it as hard as possible, leaving a bruise. FML

agreeclassic 42 080

vote type 1 24 994

By JustAGiftCardPlease - 16/06/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I received the box my parents sent me for my birthday. Contents were a travel first-aid kit, and a remote control robot toy, with an age recommendation on the box of 8. I'm 29. They thought that since I'm an engineer I would like the toy. They also think I'll hurt myself with it. FML

agreeclassic 42 079

vote type 1 3 835

By blotchy-girl - 15/07/2009 04:00 - New Zealand

Today, my sister thought it would be funny to spray my face with my new tanning spray, which is only supposed to be used on arms and legs. I woke up and looked in the mirror to see an orange blotchy face staring back at me. My parents can't look at me without laughing. FML

agreeclassic 42 079

vote type 1 6 744

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Love Coworkers Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, my lazy manager, who blatantly spreads vicious rumors about employees, one which has ruined a marriage, has started targeting me because her lazy daughter was legally fired. Now I'm known around the office as "the whore who slept her way up the corporate ladder." FML

agreeclassic 27 808

vote type 1 1 858

Today, my wife has been super into sex lately, she even let me try some of the stuff she said no to before, and even surprised me with some of the kinky stuff she’s always wanted to try. Sounds great, right? Nope. Turns out she was overcompensating from the guilt of also fucking my coworker. FML

agreeclassic 666

vote type 1 110

Today, I learnt that I am going to have to cut back on what is already a skinny budget to afford my kid's childcare cost increase. I earn in the 97th percentile. FML

agreeclassic 652

vote type 1 268

Today, I hate my life. I'm too smart, too dumb. I'm 5 year single after a horrific marriage and I can't seem to make any ground since. No one likes me. I can't find a job. I wish I would have died in the numerous car wrecks I've been in. This life has been too hard and I fucking hate it. FML

agreeclassic 392

vote type 1 124

Today, it's my best friend's birthday. It's also the first year I've had her gift purchased, wrapped and mailed on time. The post office lost the parcel. FML

agreeclassic 24 436

vote type 1 1 938

Today, thanks to puberty, I have an acne rash around my mouth. Rumors are already flying around school saying I have herpes. FML

agreeclassic 13 712

vote type 1 948