Today, my car was broken into, on the same night I stayed up...

By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 17:20 - United States - Tacoma

Today, my car was broken into, on the same night I stayed up late researching how to install my new car alarm. FML

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Miscellaneous

Everyone's an expert

British Broadcasting Corporation

The student becomes the master

By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 09:03 - United States

Today, I figured out why my name is Ashley. In order to tell my older sister about getting a new little sister, my parents thought it would be a good idea to make her imaginary friend "Ashley" real. FML

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By heart-broken - 3/7/2009 01:33 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She's not actually a lesbian. She has been using our relationship to piss off her conservative parents. We've been together for over a year, and I've been in love with her for over five. FML

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By lesson.learned - 21/1/2013 21:39 - United Kingdom - Littlehampton

Today, I dragged my boyfriend to see Les Misérables with me. He now refuses to communicate with me through any medium other than singing. Apparently, this is his revenge. FML

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By lorahayes - 5/1/2012 18:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the train listening to my iPod on shuffle. The "Oompa Loompa" song came on, and slightly amused, I started humming it. It wasn't until I noticed that the man next to me was a midget that I understood the horrified looks I was getting. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2020 17:00

Tense

Today, my dad happened to mention he proposed to his girlfriend I had no idea he was dating. Turns out it's one of my old high school teachers, specifically the bitch who hated me as much as I hated her. My dad is so oblivious, he has no idea WWIII is about to start in our living room. FML

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By HighasaCloud - 10/12/2016 02:38

Today, while typing at my desk, I leaned back in my chair to stretch my arms. A spider dangling from the ceiling must have been watching me since it had perfect timing on its descent right into my open yawning mouth. FML

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By ohsugarxo - 31/8/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, I was at my only sister's wedding. She gave a speech about the person who means the most to her. She said, "She is my favorite sister who has always been there for me." Being her only sister, I got up to hug her. Turns out she was talking about her slutty sorority sister. Not me. FML

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By justhelpful - 2/7/2012 17:44 - Austria - Mils

Today, my dad got drunk and played a practical joke on me; a practical joke that resulted in my knee being broken. Now, I'm sitting in a hospital bed all alone while my dad hunts for "hot nurses". FML

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By sadparty - 6/11/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, I suffered a mental breakdown. I told my roommates about it, and they decided to throw a very loud party while I was sobbing in my room, unable to sleep. My Xanax prescription ran out, I have no more sick days, and I have to wake up in two hours to work a ten hour day. FML

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By dead man walking? - 4/10/2015 13:21 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her dad showed me his gun collection, and said the first rule of gun safety is never to point a gun at something you don't intend to kill. All while waving a handgun in my direction and glaring at me with barely suppressed rage. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2009 07:03 - United States

Today, my toddler peed in his potty for the first time. He was so excited to show me that he flung the pot in the air dousing my face with his piss. Then he laughed. FML

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By 420curse - 5/5/2015 18:20 - United States - San Mateo

Today, I found out the "sex noises" I heard from next door last night, which I'd angrily yelled at my neighbor for, were actually from him having an uncontrollable seizure. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, it was my high school graduation. Because our school colors were red, black and white, and our principal looked somewhat like Hitler, the senior class prank was to salute him when he finished his speech. I was the only one. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 05:00

Stuck in the past

Today, I found out my boyfriend still writes Twilight fan fiction. FML

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By HOe HOe HOe - 2/11/2011 02:36 - United States

Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held his hands against the bed, and whispered, "Have you been a bad boy?" Thinking he'd say something kinky back, he replied "Yes Santa" then burst out laughing. FML

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By sammyxoxo - 18/12/2011 08:32 - Canada

Today, I stepped into a pile of dog shit on my doorstep, along with a note saying, "Keep your dog out of my yard." I don't own a dog. FML

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By TayRenee - 30/1/2017 14:00 - United States - Rock Hill

Today, while in an ambulance after being in a car wreck, the EMT told me I would need to sign some electronic paperwork. He held it above my head for me to sign and promptly dropped it on my my face, breaking my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2016 14:36 - United States - Arlington

Today, my acne reached a new low. Literally. I'm now getting bright red pimples on my penis. FML

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By devakii - 16/10/2009 17:27 - United States

Today, the power went out at work. As everyone left the building to go home, the owner came in to inform me that, since the phones were on a battery back up, I would be staying to man them. The phones rang 2 times in the 4 hours I sat in the dark by myself. Both times were telemarketers. FML

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By not4geeks - 15/5/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, I went out on a first date with a cute guy. Turns out we won't be going on a date again because I didn't know the difference between "Star Wars" and "Star Trek." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2009 17:34 - United States

Today, I had a pretty big erection while getting checked out at the airport. The security guard was scanning my potentially "dangerous" erection for at least one long minute in front of my wife, kids, and 20 people behind me. FML

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By King.Dick. - 2/4/2015 14:21 - United States - Windsor Heights

Today, I had to give a presentation at school about King Richard III. I realized too late that someone had changed his name to "King Dick" on all the slides. My little sister later broke into hysterics and confessed this had been her April Fool's prank. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2019 01:00

A good excuse

Today, my ex-girlfriend, who broke up with me because God said she couldn't have a boyfriend, started dating my friend... Who she always told me she didn't even like. FML

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By RazorBumps - 16/12/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I have "crotch acne". When I attempted to explain that I have razor bumps from shaving, he got mad and said I was lying and insecure about my obvious facial and bodily acne problem. FML

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By why? - 1/5/2015 13:41 - United States

Today, I was supposed to light candles at my aunt's wedding. I accidentally lit the groom on fire. FML

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By Krazydude1000 - 3/1/2020 14:00

My fingernail

Today, I found out that my old DVD player stopped reading my movie disks. I had the dumb idea to stick my finger in there to see what was the problem. I found the problem, and that was that my fingernail wasn't on my finger after that. FML

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By Bear - 10/7/2017 04:30

Today, while picking up my 14-year-old sister, a friend of hers ask if I was her mother. I'm only 17. FML

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By sucks_brah - 25/12/2009 07:25 - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and decided to unwrap all my Christmas gifts and throw them at the wall. Ho, ho, ho. FML

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By WeightAMinute - 9/7/2009 01:28 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend who dumped me after 2 1/2 years because I got fat. The last two years I've lost 68 lbs, am happier and couldn't wait to shove that in his face. So, of course the first time he see's me I'm alone, pushing a shopping cart full of ice cream for a party later. FML

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By John-John - 6/3/2017 15:00 - United States - Jackson

Today, I got break-up text. She called me a poor, broke, little dick, sorry excuse for a man and said that my mom should have swallowed me "as an egg". She also said that no one could ever want me. Thing is, I haven't had a girlfriend in 2 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 05:02 - Australia

Today, I helped out with makeup at my daughter's high school play. As one girl walked past, I told her that she'd smudged pink lipstick all up the side of her face. Turns out it was a birthmark. She cried in the dressing room for half an hour. FML

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By birdhater - 15/10/2009 06:16 - Australia

Today, the bird that has been stuck in my roof for two days, keeping me awake at night, finally flew out of the roof and into the house. As I was opening the door to send it outside, it flew straight back up into the roof. FML

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By R_U_CEREAL - 4/7/2009 08:58 - United States

Today, I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. My mom recorded it. FML

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By AIienware - 30/6/2015 15:33

Today, at my job at a ceramics store, I was loading a $300 statuette into a woman's car when I saw a dismembered foot in the trunk. I was so startled that I dropped the statuette and it shattered. Turns out the foot was fake and now my boss says I have to pay for the damage. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2018 16:00 - United States - Trenton

Today, I told my girlfriend I wanted to tell her something important. Coincidentally, she did too. She wanted to tell me that she thinks she's actually gay. I wanted to tell her I love her. FML

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By ohdeargodthatswrong - 9/1/2010 13:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when my dad pulled up to pick me up from his house. My dad beeped his horn and my boyfriend opened his bedroom curtain, knocked on the window, and waved. While he was still inside of me. FML

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By Jessica - 15/5/2009 00:03 - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter walked in on my husband and I getting it on. Now she won't stop 'pretending to be daddy' against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2020 14:01

All kinds of wrong

Today, while at my friend's house, she had to leave the room for a few minutes. Her dad then put me in a headlock and told me that I had "better treat his daughter right if I ever wanted to walk again," because she's in love with me. Then he left. I'm a gay guy. FML

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By AOart1st - 21/11/2014 03:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was rock climbing. I had my equipment on and I saw a really cute girl. I went for the hardest climb in the gym, and while jumping up to grab the rock, I simultaneously farted, missed the rock, fell to the mat and broke my arm in the process. FML

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By FartyCar - 30/11/2018 17:30

Today, I found a bag of frozen broccoli in my car boot from when I went shopping 3 days ago. My whole car smells like farts now. FML

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Top comments

By kingbrizo | 24

#5729613 - Saturday 26 October 2013 1:31

well thats alarming.

By DocBastard | 38

#5729617 - Saturday 26 October 2013 1:32

Please just install it correctly so it doesn't go off for no reason at 3AM like EVERY OTHER FUCKING CAR ALARM EVER.

Comments

By kingbrizo | 24

#5729613 - Saturday 26 October 2013 1:31

well thats alarming.

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5729616 - Saturday 26 October 2013 1:32

Those thieves have some great timing.

By DocBastard | 38

#5729617 - Saturday 26 October 2013 1:32

Please just install it correctly so it doesn't go off for no reason at 3AM like EVERY OTHER FUCKING CAR ALARM EVER.

MCRaddict15 | 15

#5729723 - Saturday 26 October 2013 2:21

I never understood why SO many cars did that. How can so many people install their car alarms incorrectly?

Kyuubi_Rose | 11

#5729747 - Saturday 26 October 2013 2:57

It's the cats, they go nuts at 3am and set the alarms off to piss us off

ryanthecheeseguy | 18

#5729754 - Saturday 26 October 2013 3:12

...and then the car owner doesn't even know its their car so they don't do anything about it.

8born8 | 18

#5729780 - Saturday 26 October 2013 3:53

cats. slowly achieving world domination one car alarm at a time.

lexi365 | 20

#5730434 - Saturday 26 October 2013 17:30

They already took over the Internet.

By yukumariooo | 9

#5729618 - Saturday 26 October 2013 1:32

Well if nothing else, their timing is impeccable.

By MasqueradePrince | 25

#5729621 - Saturday 26 October 2013 1:33

Hopefully nothing of value was stolen...

By Chumbowamba | 10

#5729626 - Saturday 26 October 2013 1:33

O.o the cruel irony of it.

shesaywha | 19

#5729726 - Saturday 26 October 2013 2:24

I think that is more of a coincidence than irony.

Imhere4fml | 24

#5729857 - Saturday 26 October 2013 5:12

No.

By graceinsheepwear | 33

#5729627 - Saturday 26 October 2013 1:33

Oh man, my apartment once flooded the day before my appointment to get renter's insurance. Sorry OP.

By NoFlippinWai | 24

#5729629 - Saturday 26 October 2013 1:34

Oh Irony you are a cruel sonofabitch

By FezzesAreCool | 18

#5729634 - Saturday 26 October 2013 1:35

Oh the irony

By Farmillionaire | 8

#5729635 - Saturday 26 October 2013 1:35

Why wouldnt you just have the place you bought it from install it?? That would have been smart don't you think?