Today, my neighbours knocked to complain about the noise. I have been nursing a headache for the past several weeks while they have been slamming doors and arguing. FML
hellpop tells us more.
hellpop 22
So... I'm pretty sure that this is my FML... however I have no idea why it's saying I'm male or from that part of the UK... However I did submit this some time ago so that's why I think it's me. Anyway! The explanation was that it turned out to be my loud, lousy ex friend they had an issue with who'd stay every Sunday night. And my headache, I have been to several doctors but it's due to another medical condition I have that I'm having an MRI for in the near future. Hope that explains some stuff!
Today, I took a drug test for probation and failed a category called "tricyclic antidepressants". The tablet of Benadryl I took last night for sleep assistance caused me to violate my probation. FML
Today, I wore my first thong, which I bought weeks ago but was only just now brave enough to wear. As I was leaving, my little brother decided I really needed a wedgie. The thong garrotted my bum hole and I now have toilet paper up there because it won't stop bleeding. FML
Today, despite my protests and warnings, my mother-in-law decided to chemically straighten my bi-racial daughter’s very curly hair. Hours later, not only is her scalp is raw and red, her hair is stringy completely fried and coming out in huge noticeable clumps. Fml
Today, my front tooth randomly fell out in the middle of class. I brush regularly and visit the dentist, the tooth was perfectly healthy looking, and it didn’t hurt beforehand or bleed. It literally just fell out for no reason. Now I have a gap grin and I don’t know why. FML
Today, I told my crush, who I've liked for a while, that I liked him. He looked at me in pure terror and walked away. FML
Today, someone tried to break into my car. They tried to do so by jamming a key into my lock, only for the key to break. I guess the key cut their hand, because I had the pleasure of finding the person's blood all over my passenger door. FML
Today, my husband went through my phone and computer, accusing me of cheating. Baffled and hurt by the untrue accusation, I asked what he found that made him think that. He replied, "Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" Apparently, no evidence IS evidence. FML
Today, I went to Jack in The Box to grab a quick hamburger. I was in a hurry, so I didn't check my order. By the time I opened the bag, I was really hungry. Unfortunately, the burger looked like a 5-year-old wrapped it, and the burger looked bitten into. FML
Today, during divorce proceedings, I decided to have my kids DNA tested. Neither of my kids are mine. My daughter's real father is unknown but my son's DNA identifies him as related to me, but not as my son, so he’s more likely my nephew, meaning his dad is one of my brothers. FML
Today, a deer hit my car. I stopped to check on it, expecting it to be dead in the road or a ditch. The fucker was staring at me from the top of the hill and pranced off just fine. I get $800 in front-end damage and I'm still finding hair and fecal matter on my car. FML
IDidntKillADeer tells us more.
OP here, first of all I didn't expect this to get published. I was just blowing off steam on my favorite site. So, for the rude people, no i am not mad the deer didn't die. If anything I'm happy. This happened 3 years ago in Michigan. It was summer and deer weren't known to be around this BUSY road. My insurance did cover the damages. Me and the deer walked away shaken but alright. I had called a officer to the scene to make a report for the insurance and he had found the deer nearby with some scrapes. The only sad thing is that Bambi's mother was watching from a nearby hill and I'm pretty sure all animals are out to get me now as this wasnt my last incident with an animal hitting my car. Thank you to the funny and thoughtful people who commented. Again, I never expected this to get published nor seen. So don't be a Dick. I'm sensitive. ???
Today, I had to do a Google Image search to prove to my 32-year-old husband that roadrunners are real animals, and not just made up for Looney Toons. FML
Today, I slipped and fell while shopping at a local grocery store. I slipped and fell in the same store last week. FML
DanielleinDC tells us more.
DanielleinDC 33
To add context: You enter through a street-level foyer of sorts, and you can take an elevator or the stairs to get to the shopping area. So the first time, I slipped on some water at the top of those stairs. The second time, I was walking through the produce section and slipped on a grape on the floor. I gotta say, I'm a bit surprised and pleased to finally have one published. And, no, I wasn't hurt; I was just a bit shaken up. In fact, when I slipped and fell the second time, I thought, not again! And one reason I keep going is it's a five-minute walk from my apartment.
Today, a guy I'd been seeing briefly came over for cocktails and a movie. The night ended with him vomiting in my bathroom and on my couch, using my toothbrush, then proceeding to tell me how big his ex-boyfriend's dick was. FML
Today, I came home and caught my husband in a compromising position. He was watching Twilight. FML
Today, after having diarrhoea all week, my girlfriend dragged me to London. Expecting to not be able to find a toilet, I decided to fast for the day. We spent 3 hours wandering the food stalls of Camden market with her friends. So many free samples I had to refuse… FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy who turned out to be my older brother's friend. In the middle of the night we were drunk and got stuck in my room after the key broke inside the lock. My brother had to help my date climb out of the window. FML
Today, I told my crush how I feel about him. It's been over 12 hours and he still says he's thinking about it. I asked him about it ; he says he's thinking of how to reject me. FML
Today, I've been seeing this girl for three months. After asking her if she'd like to go out to eat with me, I realized that she never called me by my name, just "hey you". While we were out, I wondered what she had me saved as, so I texted her when she got up to use the restroom. It was "free food". FML
Today, I had to pee really badly. I rushed to the bathroom, pulled down my pants, and sat on the toilet. After a few seconds of peeing, I realized I had only pulled down my pants. Not my underpants. FML
Today, I was woken up by an overly sappy good morning text from my boyfriend, complete with kissy-face images. Before I could text him back, he sent a follow-up. "Oops. Wrong person." Wait, what? FML
Today, we're having my grandmother over. Because we don't have a guest room, she is sleeping in mine. It is 25°C at night and she is sleeping naked with her dog right next to me. FML
Today, I was fired from my job for "lack of work". What that means is that my boss hired his good-for-nothing lazy son, who then got too big of a mortgage, and he had to let me go to pay him a higher salary. FML
Today, I, a man in his 40s, had to be taken to the hospital because I was laughing so hard at an old Disney movie that my diaphragm went into spasms. I stopped breathing and passed out for a few minutes, and my son had to call an ambulance. FML
Today, I went into my boss's office to confront her about not consulting me before switching my shifts with someone else. I left in tears. FML
Today, I chose a new song to be the ringtone for my new cell phone. After waiting all day for someone to call me, I had to ask my husband, who was sitting right next to me, to call me or send me a message so I could hear how it sounded. FML
Today, after submitting a 500-word essay to a writing contest, I found out that I lost to someone who wrote 3 sentences. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. I ended up meeting my dad. FML
Today, while doing my laundry, I found a very clean but presumably used ribbed condom in my freshly washed and dried sheets. It was not mine. FML
Today, while on the bus, the girl in front of me asked me if I could find the orange she'd dropped. I couldn't see it, but when I told her that there was no orange there, she gave me the strangest look. She'd said ring, not orange. FML
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