Miscellaneous: Today, I came home and caught my husband in a compromising position.... - FML

By Divorce?

Today, I came home and caught my husband in a compromising position. He was watching Twilight. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Serious times

The more the merrier

By Chakkamofo - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My wife gave me a card saying "You made it to 36!". It's my 35th birthday. FML

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By fouryearswasted - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend of four years is legally married to a man in prison. He gets out next week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I told my parents I was pregnant. They yelled at me until I started crying. I'm 31, married, and I have a good paying job. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, I found out that doctors can be wrong. Pink clothes, pink stroller, pink bottles, pink bibs, pink cribs and pink bedding to go with my baby that recently came out with a little pink penis. FML

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By LowerCrust - United States

Today, I arrived at the pizza place I work at to find that I'd been fired. Apparently, the class stoner came in last night and not only demanded a free pizza, but also claimed that I always gave him one. I've never talked to this kid in my life, but my boss still doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anon - United States - Maidens

Today, after getting home from finals and finishing the semester, I had a very heartfelt reunion with my dog during which he licked me all over the face. About an hour later, my dad told me, "By the way, don't let him lick you, he has hookworms." FML

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By sigh - United States - North Branford

Today, I gave the guy I've been seeing a copy of my newly published book, because I know he loves writing. He started reading and commented on how amazing it was. Then he gave it back. He didn't realize it was a gift. My awkward self didn't correct him. I'd written him a sweet letter inside. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I went to the airport after saying goodbye to my, for some reason, giggling boyfriend. I learnt why he was so cheerful when I opened my purse in front of the guards, only to find pink-furry handcuffs, and a huge dildo. They pretended not to know what it was. FML

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By Whoops - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a make-out session in the backseat of his car, when we heard a voice coming from his pants. Who did he pocket dial? My house. At midnight, when I was supposed to be home. FML

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By burned

Today, I found out that my 4-year-old son is truly convinced that I am a ghost. He also thinks that I died from burning, "because of your face". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, my mother-in-law said I wasn't the type she expected her son to marry, as he's always dated cheerleaders and model types. I must have looked offended, so she added, "I mean they weren't smart like you." So, I might be smart but I'm the ugliest girl my husband has ever been with. FML

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By Zora - Norway - Bergen

Today, while shopping, my six-year-old son threw a tantrum because I wouldn't buy him a video game. I ended up having to grab his arm and leave the store. He screamed that I was kidnapping him, at which point I was socked in the face and pinned to the floor by three bystanders. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 18:01 - New Zealand - Auckland

Lockdown fashion

Today, my partner got a lockdown haircut. He now has a mullet. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was stuck behind an elderly man on a one-way street into my university campus. There was no traffic in front of him and we were both going under the speed limit, so I honked my horn at him to speed up. He ended up double-parking in the last two spots. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 05:32 - India - Mumbai

Haircut, haircuuuut

Today, I came to the decision that I needed some variety in my life, so I decided to get a haircut. My mom insisted that she could do it and that she had experience because she cuts my dad's short hair. I had thick, long hair. Now, my hair is uneven, ugly and short. FML

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By pst - South Africa

We need a break

Today, the hooker I have been seeing regularly for almost a year texted me to say she thinks we should no longer see each other again. I just got dumped by a hooker. FML

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By I'm screwed - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out that my sleep-walking is so bad that I regularly text my friend while I sleep. I have no idea how many times this has happened. FML

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By new 2 twitter

Today, I had to make a Twitter account, because that is apparently the best way to get news from our new president. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we were building the homecoming float, the theme is Seasons of Love. We went around the yard and put random leaves on the float. My friend's dad looked at the float and said, "You do realize that's poison ivy?" FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I was naked, still deciding what to wear, when the doorbell rang. I grabbed the closest thing to cover up with: my Snuggie. I answered the door, it was kids asking for donations. Without thinking, I turned around to grab my purse. FML

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By why - United States - Broomfield

Today, I'm no longer allowed to work the drive-thru at my job, because over the weekend, 3 dumbasses I go to school with came in and complained to my manager, saying I sounded a creepy pervert and that it scared them enough to take their business elsewhere. FML

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By vsf - United States

Today, my parents wouldn't let me go to the fair because they reckon my IQ is so low, I could quite possibly choke on cotton candy and pass out confused by the hall of mirrors. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I began writing thank-you cards for the gifts I got for my 21st birthday. To one set of grandparents, I wrote, "Thank you for the dancing chicken toy," and to the others I wrote, "Thank you for the $10 check." Those were the only gifts. FML

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By TheBRADLeyB - United States

Today, I was going 73 in a 55 on a country road when an oncoming cop passed me. He pulled a U turn. I turned off the main road and took random turns. I got lost, was 30 minutes late to work, and the cop still found me and gave me two tickets. I had to ask him for directions. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Plano

Today, I went to the store with my 4-year-old daughter. When I went to change into tight jeans which weren't completely on, my daughter opened the curtain and yelled: "It's the mommy show!" Everyone there heard her and saw me. FML

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By ThreeHoursEarly

What's the time, please?

Today, I was told to be present for a meeting that started at 5pm. I arrived 15 minutes early, and I was late for the meeting. This happens regularly. FML

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By MLGreco - United States

Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my friends that I'd gotten a paid position to cover a worker's bereavement leave for the next three weeks. They then called me an insensitive bitch for 'profiting from someone else's misfortune'. FML

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By LesToiliettes - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, was the first day of my new job. My boss admitted that they hadn't cleaned the employee bathroom for over two months. My first task: clean the employee bathroom. FML

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By AIienware

Today, at my job at a ceramics store, I was loading a $300 statuette into a woman's car when I saw a dismembered foot in the trunk. I was so startled that I dropped the statuette and it shattered. Turns out the foot was fake and now my boss says I have to pay for the damage. FML

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By Gob - United States

Today, while waiting for class, I let out a huge fart in front of everyone thinking no one would hear it over the music. I was wearing headphones. FML

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By Booooolette - France - Beauvais

Today, I managed to fracture my shoulder blade and dislocate my shoulder, just by falling off a deckchair. FML

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By BohGlam

Today, my boss reprimanded me for my lack of media communications skills. It would be more understandable if I weren't a janitor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it turns out that my hairy feet are the most memorable part about me. My family's named me "the hobbit". FML

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By sleepy - United States

Today, as I was standing in the checkout line in a store, my six year old daughter proudly announced to everyone that I fell asleep on the toilet last night. FML

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By hmdge1 - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, I found out that my boss of 2 years not only doesn't know my name, but calls me "Jew hair" behind my back because of my natural ringlets. This man determines all of my career progression. FML

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By - United States - Gualala

Today, while house sitting for my mother and stepfather, their elderly dog passed away. They live in such a remote location, the closest open vet office is a 2 hour drive, and the local one opens in 10 hours. FML

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By B-Rad - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I share a birthday with a fictional character who is "untrustworthy" and has a "dark side", so therefore I can't be trusted either. FML

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By xXEndlesslullabyXx - United States

Today, my grandmother's excuse for not going to my college graduation was because she'd already bought her bingo card. FML

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By sailinggsoul

Today, I bought a box of tampons and went to the store restroom to insert one. I then put the box inside my purse. On my way out, I got stopped by security, who yelled at me to empty my purse. He grabbed my bag, spilling the tampons everywhere. Apparently, he thought I was stealing. FML

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Top comments

By afallingstar | 22

#7511259 - Saturday 29 July 2017 0:58

Revoke his man card immediately.

By MidnaLink | 32

#7511235 - Saturday 29 July 2017 0:48

Your username… really, you contemplating divorce over a movie that he was watching.

COMMENTS

By kazekai8 | 11

#7511222 - Saturday 29 July 2017 0:33

Mistakes were made XD

By vshah | 13

#7511223 - Saturday 29 July 2017 0:35

That's so much worse?

By MidnaLink | 32

#7511235 - Saturday 29 July 2017 0:48

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

April91 | 12

#7511264 - Saturday 29 July 2017 1:02

Exactly what I was thinking ..

Reply

dharmaint | 15

#7511319 - Saturday 29 July 2017 1:36

I do believe this is sarcasm

Reply

adventureinthesea | 14

#7511358 - Saturday 29 July 2017 2:04

issa joke

Reply

Stiggy626 | 25

#7512131 - Saturday 29 July 2017 12:27

I guarantee it's 99.5% a joke. funny tho, right?

By LeoCor | 18

#7511238 - Saturday 29 July 2017 0:49

At least it wasn't 50 shades

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7511239 - Saturday 29 July 2017 0:49

Twilght may be both a terrible book and movie series but I don't think it should ever be the main reason to divorce someone.

By afallingstar | 22

#7511259 - Saturday 29 July 2017 0:58

Revoke his man card immediately.

By Norja | 33

#7511277 - Saturday 29 July 2017 1:08

Twilight!? An affair would have been better. Contact your lawyer immediately.

By acmariner99 | 24

#7511284 - Saturday 29 July 2017 1:13

This FML is a better story than twilight

By Dethknite | 4

#7511294 - Saturday 29 July 2017 1:18

divorce is too good for him.

By jessicasoho | 13

#7511301 - Saturday 29 July 2017 1:21

If you contemplate divorce over such petty reasons perhaps your marriage won't last. Even joking about divorce gets old and it will only be a matter of time before he does divorce you. Such negativity in marriages are normally one-sided. Be the better half, not the cancerous side.

Reply

sophiehelen | 32

#7513075 - Saturday 29 July 2017 23:14

You'd be a great person to take to a comedy show