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By burgeee - 18/03/2010 10:24 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". Somehow I don't think my feelings are mutual. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 532

You deserved it 4 288

Here boy!

By DrakeB - 20/01/2013 16:34 - United States - Seattle

Today, I found a lost dog and called the owner. When he arrived, I thought it would be cute to put the dog down so he would run back into his owner's arms, like in movies. As soon as I put the dog down, it ran away again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 847

You deserved it 44 046

By Anonymous - 07/01/2014 21:24 - United States

Today, I woke up to my psycho roommate trying to baptize me in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 381

You deserved it 5 215

Depressing

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while at work, I was told by a man who had literally just gotten back from his mother's funeral to cheer up, as I was depressing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 213

You deserved it 6 152

How I met your step-father

By ConfusedAsf - 26/07/2021 08:03

Today, my boyfriend, and father of my son, announced that he’s leaving me for my best friend. His reasoning is that he feels bad that she’s a single mom. When I pointed out that by him leaving me, I’ll also be a single mom, he responded with, "But at least she has her pre-pregnancy body back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 744

You deserved it 175

Party pooper

By thanksforthat - 10/01/2013 23:11 - United States - Tunkhannock

Today, I went to the hospital with stomach pains. I found out I have mono, as well as a ruptured ovarian cyst, which may need surgery. I called my best friend for support, only for her to drunkenly yell at me for not being at her party, and that this could have waited till a better time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 352

You deserved it 3 876

Checks and balances

By letmefallasleep - 01/04/2020 14:00

Today, I found out my husband has racked up $3000 on our credit cards, and ruined my credit score. When confronted, all he had to say was, "Well you didn't tell me when you bought that ten-dollar t-shirt, so I guess we're even." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 376

You deserved it 252

Stay indoors, it's safer at the moment

By iamScaredyCat - 03/04/2020 20:00

Today, I was texting while walking up the stairs to my porch. When I looked up, I saw someone standing behind the porch door, and was so scared that I fell backwards down the stairs. Turns out, it was just my reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 818

You deserved it 1 650

STOP SCREAMING

By Anonymous - 30/12/2013 12:10 - Australia - Campbelltown

Today, my 4-year-old daughter figured out how to set a parental code lock on our television so we can't watch football because it scares her when we scream. She won't tell us no matter what we bribe her with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 141

You deserved it 27 100

By maddiecat - 08/01/2013 05:34 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I saw Les Misérables. I was singing along to one of the songs when the guy next to me dumped his soda over my head and told me to shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 424

You deserved it 100 894

By abi_vet_student - 13/02/2009 12:42 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day working at a milking parlor. As I crouched behind a cow to put on an udder cluster, I looked up and gasped just in time for the cow to crap on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 884

You deserved it 7 098

By honey soy - 29/01/2012 06:31 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend was flying his toy helicopter at my head. It got stuck in my hair and I now have a bald patch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 969

You deserved it 3 512

By Anonymous - 28/03/2011 18:52 - Macedonia

Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 808

You deserved it 6 886

By Anonymous - 31/12/2012 07:58 - United States

Today, while helping out at a retirement home, I had to get a book off a bookshelf. When I reached up, my watch got stuck on my shirt, resulting in my shirt lifting up. I just flashed my man-boobs to at least 20 senior citizens, and one of them even asked if he could have a feel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 721

You deserved it 6 555

By TGIkaty - 10/02/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I told my mom I loved her and she asked if I was going to kill myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 708

You deserved it 3 487

It's a match!

By Ren - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Medina

Today, I went shopping. At the counter, the cashier started flirting with me and asked me for my number. He was cute, so I gave it to him. After walking out of the store, I got a text that said, "I didn't want to say it out loud, but your pants are unzipped." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 660

You deserved it 5 800

Best buds

By anonymous - 23/01/2012 15:59 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me we've just been fuck buddies for the entire year we've been "together." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't working up the courage to propose to her on our anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 064

You deserved it 5 161

Code red

By ugh - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that we need a code word for when I'm being annoying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 582

You deserved it 9 019

By Anonymous - 22/01/2012 08:25 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of a comedy club for laughing too loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 135

You deserved it 7 995

By Anonymous - 13/12/2013 21:41 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend randomly decided to let me know that he believes there's really no such thing as cheating, unless both partners explicitly agree that the relationship is monogamous. And no, he wouldn't agree that ours is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 818

You deserved it 4 910

Made his day, probably

By Oops - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Augusta

Today, I was at Walmart when I saw my grandpa in the next aisle looking at magazines. Wanting to surprise him, I ran up behind him and hugged him around the middle. Up close, I realized he wasn't my grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 988

You deserved it 31 294

By elite - 19/01/2012 21:59

Today, at school, I was scheduled to give a presentation to my class. As I arrived, my teacher said to me, "You're bleeding from the 120th pimple on your left cheek." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 497

You deserved it 4 364

By baldintheback - 15/08/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, my sister and I were reading the new FML posts. I sat close to the fan, and after a few minutes, I leaned against it for support. It immediatly sucked up my hair and started violently twisting it. My sister continued to read and shouted at me because my cries for help are distracting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 637

You deserved it 14 388

By KnightToucan - 21/06/2019 02:09

Today, I got written up at work over false accusations that I didn't do some safety tasks. The same tasks that were done before I had even arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 633

You deserved it 145

Trust

By oww - 14/05/2020 08:02

Today, I told my boyfriend we should avoid the local walking trail after I got followed by a homeless man. He assured me we’d be fine and the guy wouldn’t approach me as long as I had a man with me. Wrong. We both got beat up and robbed by said homeless man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 212

You deserved it 360

By fuckmyassimcold - 14/12/2012 19:19 - United States

Today, I avoided having to wash the dishes by faking a cold. My sucker of a wife believed me and hopped off my balls about it. Later on, after I made a miraculous recovery, she told me to take out the trash. It's freezing outside and raining, and I feel a very real cold coming on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 983

You deserved it 79 431

By Anonymous - 08/03/2011 18:25 - United States

Today, as I couldn't get the airplane seat buckle to buckle, I faced the fact that I've been in denial about how fat I have become. The people in my row faced it too as I began to sob uncontrollably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 210

You deserved it 36 681

By cincity - 20/07/2018 15:00

Today, my fiancé forgot his wallet. He realized this once we were 5 hours away from home, before checking into a hotel, that had reservations under his name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 491

You deserved it 336

By Anonymous - 06/03/2011 00:30 - United States

Today, while sleeping, I heard an explosion. My neighbor then knocked on my door and informed me that he had just hit my car with shrapnel from a cannon. Not only do I not have a car to drive, but I also have to put this claim on my insurance due to my neighbor being on welfare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 587

You deserved it 2 703

Leverathin tells us more.

Leverathin 0

Sunday 6 March 2011 21:05

For anyone that's following this, the cops were called. I was on the phone with my insurance company due to him not having any kind of insurance. Next thing I know the cops are busting into the building with shields and rifles

By fs - 23/11/2013 23:45 - United States - Northfield

Today, I realized that no matter what I accomplish in life, I'll always be remembered for being the son of a woman so stupid that she claimed she used to be Elvis Presley's mistress. She was still an infant when he died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 440

You deserved it 3 294

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Today, I took my labrador to the vet because he seemed really sick and wasn't acting like his usual self the past few weeks. The vet said nothing was physically wrong with him and that he's most likely suffering from depression. My own depression is why I got a dog in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 912

You deserved it 2 039

Today, I found out that my mother doesn’t visit me because I'm the only sibling without children. She posts all about her wonderful children on social media, but I'm left out. She hasn't set foot in my house since I moved out of hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 792

You deserved it 139

Today, I found the special needle I needed yesterday for a school biology project. I found it by walking around barefoot at 5 am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 873

You deserved it 871

Today, a client walked into my store with a duck in her hands. I had to explain to her that she couldn't bring the bird shopping with her. We got a 1-star review. FML

I agree, your life sucks 881

You deserved it 142

Today, my five year-old son was sick with a stomach bug. He didn't want to leave my side, so I grabbed a bowl from the kitchen for him to puke into. The thing is, it was dark in the kitchen and I accidentally grabbed a strainer. My new outfit is now ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 749

You deserved it 33 881

Today, my friend sent me an online money transfer. After forgetting the password and locking myself out of my account, I had to phone up the bank and have it reset. I was prompted to answer the security question, which was "What, what?" I had to say "In the butt." to get my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 327

You deserved it 64 338