Miscellaneous: Today, I learned to never blast classic rock with your convertible's... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned to never blast classic rock with your convertible's top down while passing an SUV full of gangbanger wanna-bes. That is, of course, unless you want your immaculate, newly detailed leather seats to be decorated with pretty brown and white milkshake stains. FML

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There's no helping some people

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Not now, mom!

By carrottop - Australia

Today, I finally found out why my fish were dying in their tank. My younger sister had been spraying detergent in there because she wanted "to make the fish smell like lemons". FML

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By Anonymoose - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I came home to a half-shaved dog and a laughing third grader. FML

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By InvAzn

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate with each other, starting with some foreplay. Before he fingered me, he put on a blue surgical glove, claiming that "down there is dirty and smelly" and he didn't want it on his hand. FML

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By purpletulip - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my customer complained to me that there were no scallops in her dish when it was "clearly stated on the menu." Finally, after she ran out of breath, I had to show her that the menu said scallions. She didn't understand, screamed at me and then walked out on her bill. FML

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By BathroomDweller - United States - Omaha

Today, I'm recovering from a urinary tract infection. The infection made me have to pee constantly. Now the antibiotics I'm taking for it are giving me the shits instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a serious concussion and several stitches to the back of my head. The attacker? My mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:01

They're everywhere

Today, I started a new job. I was in a meeting, all day, training under a guy. This was the same middle-class-gravyboat guy who has no idea what he's doing, attributes things to false-positive root causes, and is defensive whenever someone knows more than him. I left my last job because of this type of guy. FML

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By neednewshoes

Today, like every day, I flushed a public toilet with my foot. Today, unlike every day, my foot missed the handle and landed in the unflushed water. FML

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By lastalittlelonger - United States

Bragging

Today, I received a text from my boyfriend telling me how much I wore him out the night before, from all the sex we were having. We had sex for two minutes. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my ex-wife, who I have a 1000-yard restraining order against since she threatened my new wife and our kids, moved into a house down the street. The police say they can't do anything because her house is more than 1000 yards from mine. It's 1012 yards away. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my cute coworker begged me to cover his shift tomorrow, and told me that he wanted to take me to dinner to make up for it. I was very excited because I've been crushing on him for a long time. I later overheard him tell his friend that he didn't plan on showing up for our dinner. FML

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By mbrooke - United States

Today, me and couple of friends were driving around town and saw a lady who had accidentally backed her car up onto a concrete wall. Laughing, we all turned to look as we passed and I drove straight into a parked police car at 30 that had stopped to help her. FML

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By POP101 - Canada

Today, there was this girl in heels running in front of me at school, and she slipped on ice. Trying to be a hero, I dropped my backpack and ran up to help her, but ended up slipping and landing on her leg. As I walked back to my backpack, I found out I dropped my laptop and broke it. FML

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By isystuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and left me crying in the street. I then got a text from my mom saying how pathetic my love life was. Apparently, it was a mass text message and she accidentally added me to the list. FML

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By Poopy - United States

Today, my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. We were using chocolate spread and I was riding him. When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. I knelt down to smell it. It was NOT chocolate. FML

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By lesson.learned - United Kingdom - Littlehampton

Today, I dragged my boyfriend to see Les Misérables with me. He now refuses to communicate with me through any medium other than singing. Apparently, this is his revenge. FML

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By what. - 4/5/2020 17:00

Tunnel vision

Today, my boyfriend said that no, I'm not allowed to get glasses and then accused me of wanting to see other men. No, I just want to see. FML

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By Jeff G. - United States

Today, I had to send a picture of my Grandma at her funeral to my girlfriend, because she thought I was out cheating on her. FML

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By no good deed... etc

Well Well Well

Today, I tried to surprise my mom and wash her car while she was away. Today, I also found out how gross our well water is. The car looks worse than before. FML

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By EffinAhole - France

Today, to spice things up a bit my wife and I were having sex in our kitchen. She was up on the counter and I moved her over to get in a better position. The stove was still hot from dinner so now my wife has a burn that looks like a double rainbow on her ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2020 09:03

That escalated badly

Today, a blowjob from my fiancée turned into exchanged oral, which turned into mutual masturbation while watching porn, which then turned into me being kicked out of the room because it was "weird" with me watching. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2020 11:02

Good luck out there…

Today, my father said I only voted for Biden "because I watch the news." He's a hardcore Trumpster. FML

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By beekie9 - United States

Today, my mom asked all the old ladies in her church to pray that I meet "someone special". FML

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By erjazo - United States - Morris

Today, I was watching TV with my husband, and he started getting frisky. When the commercial break started, we started having sex. When he came, there were still two commercials left before the show resumed. FML

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By ugly me - United States

Today, I was sitting on a plane waiting for everyone to get on. A cute guy around my age had the option of sitting next to me or an old guy. He gave me a horrified look and immediately sat next to the old man. I got to sit next to his mother. She evil eyed me the whole time. FML

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By damn - United States - Kenton

Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2021 05:01

Blackmail material

Today, I was staying at a hotel and had a night terror. I woke up, yelled, "Fuck!" and realized I had shit the bed. I'd woken up my teenage daughter, who now knows I shit the bed in the middle night. FML

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By notbrowsingnow - United States

Today, I was bored at work, so I started browsing the Internet. While I was on my Facebook page, my boss tagged me in a status: "I've been standing behind you for ten minutes." FML

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By my name is sarah - United States - Midland

Today, my mom called me by her favorite TV show character's name. Again. This is the eighth time this week. I'm an only child, and I'm 15. I thought she had my name down pat by now. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got home from work to find my house covered in graffiti dicks, the windows smashed, the front lawn entirely ripped up, and my letter box containing dog shit. I also found a note taped to the door saying, "Suck on this Darren". Darren is my next door neighbor. FML

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By lostandconfused

Today, I was teaching a class of 17-year-old Japanese boys English. Tripping over a school bag, I caught my foot in the bottom of my very loose elastic trousers. I pulled them down with my foot as I stumbled, exposing my underwear to all 40 students. FML

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By MaryJane

Today, my best friend told me she didn't want to be my friend anymore, because she wanted to start afresh in college and have pretty friends. FML

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By cass - United States

Today, is my high school graduation. Last night I read online that you can use apple cider vinegar to help with head dandruff, so I tried it out. Now, no matter how much product or perfume I use, I still smell like a giant walking fart. My graduation is in a couple of hours. FML

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By poisonivyretard - United States - Narragansett

Today, I took a dump in the woods at a secluded lake. I used the leaves of a seemingly harmless tree to clean myself. However, I was unaware that the leaf was poisonous. It feels like a thousand hornets are attacking my ass-crack. FML

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By clumsy

Today, while walking on the sidewalk with my boyfriend, I slipped and fell. Not only did he not help me get up or ask if I was okay, he got mad at me for embarrassing him in public. FML

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By Lesbian and proud, nana

Today, my nana turned up at my flat for a visit, barged in without knocking, and found me having sex with both of my girlfriends. The vicious religious lecture that followed would have stripped the tramp stamp off a whore. She then rampaged through our bedroom and binned all our sex toys. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, My family and I were in New Orleans. We passed by all of the naughty peep shows with posters of naked women everywhere on the way to dinner. At the restaurant, my dad asks me if that was the first pair of boobs I have seen. My mom butted in saying, "Nah, remember all that porn we found?" FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Oslo

Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML

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By grenade - United States

Today, I was at a club with my friends, when a group of guys approached us. It got quiet for a second, and I heard one of them say, "It's okay, I've got the fat one this time," then walk over and start talking to me. FML

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By Eh... - Ukraine

Today, my boss asked me if I know anything about those tattoos that girl put on their lower backs. "You mean Tramp Stamps?" I responded. He looked at me with hatred in his eyes and said that his 18 year old daughter just got one. FML

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Top comments

By Aelaena | 6

#241905 - Friday 29 May 2009 12:35

Wow assholes. I hate people like that, I hope you got a license yet that probably wouldn't do much.

By zmiddz | 0

#241943 - Friday 29 May 2009 13:08

Gangbangers drink milkshakes?

COMMENTS

By Aelaena | 6

#241905 - Friday 29 May 2009 12:35

Wow assholes. I hate people like that, I hope you got a license yet that probably wouldn't do much.

Reply

bobnorris | 0

#903116 - Monday 1 March 2010 5:56

wanna-be's.., no... only real gangstas drink milkshakes!

Reply

Failbuddy | 0

#1014716 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 8:11

LOL

By redbluegreen | 40

#241906 - Friday 29 May 2009 12:36

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By anglcdvl89 | 0

#241911 - Friday 29 May 2009 12:45

Yay for new colored leather seats? O.o

Really though, that sucks so bad. I hope you got their license plate number. Report some ish on their car. Road rage, hit and run...whatever, man. Karma's a bitch.

Reply

thirteenishell | 0

#1111112 - Monday 19 July 2010 22:39

awhh :(

By Mystgate | 0

#241913 - Friday 29 May 2009 12:46

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

ppl2ppl | 4

#3646456 - Sunday 27 November 2011 4:46

Dude, really? No props to "rbg" :P

By Hazimius | 0

#241914 - Friday 29 May 2009 12:48

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By studentwoes | 2

#241915 - Friday 29 May 2009 12:48

That really really sucks! :( People are such assholes!

By DreMaMa | 0

#241917 - Friday 29 May 2009 12:49

Should of threw a gang-sign for an added punch, then proceed to say "whats up my homies"

By leandra12 | 0

#241919 - Friday 29 May 2009 12:51

They were probably just jealous. Convertibles are the best. I'm sorry though.

By Pepperolls | 0

#241921 - Friday 29 May 2009 12:51

FML indeed, I don't get why those people prefer their shitty music over classic ROCK!

Reply

JackStone96 | 4

#829260 - Saturday 6 February 2010 4:40

@#9 Classic Rock can't compare to nu-metal, hard rock, and screamo!!!!! lol classic rock isn't that bad but I do prefer nu-metal, hard rock, and screamo! haha

Reply

noobgang7 | 5

#929468 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 19:06

as blood runs black?

Reply

goresplattered | 0

#989741 - Sunday 9 May 2010 16:50

Gross. Give me some Whitechapel.

Reply

RunnerDudeTyler | 0

#2290465 - Monday 4 April 2011 4:15

I fucking love screamo and metal!

Reply

rttr | 18

#4037200 - Wednesday 15 February 2012 7:16

I agree with 9.

Reply

cocainewhore | 30

#5819158 - Monday 6 January 2014 22:44

#224 since screams itself is not a genre, I don't see how you can love it. Are you referring to death metal, post hardcore, hardcore..?

Reply

Lunasis | 14

#5978561 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 18:18

0-o fuck that, play some Ozzy and some disturbed

Reply

themostfab | 13

#6534609 - Thursday 11 February 2016 23:34

go GC xh

Reply

themostfab | 13

#6534610 - Thursday 11 February 2016 23:35

Ozzy is great

By shorty_64 | 0

#241935 - Friday 29 May 2009 13:04

Yeah, totally agree #9, what pricks, but I'm a firm believer in what goes around comes around.