The Top

OP here, to quote a song from Johnny Clegg "these are the days of miracles and wonders" - my mom called a plumber, now to survive the weekend until help arrives.

By Foster_Em - 04/07/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I was coming home from a date, I saw my ex standing in my drive-way. He had dumped me 2 months ago saying he couldn't talk me. To make him jealous, I made out with my new guy before greeting him. Turns out he couldn't talk to me because he had had cancer and had been afraid to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 281

You deserved it 79 398

Seize the means of production

By Anonymous - 11/09/2020 08:02 - United States

Today, my boss told me that he is really getting scared of Covid-19. He's too cheap for tests. His solution? He'll work from home for 2 weeks while I meet with all employees 1-1. If I don’t get sick, he'll feel OK coming back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 591

You deserved it 135

By Anonymous - 12/09/2013 22:43 - United States - Toms River

Today, I was at a coffee shop, when a middle-aged guy called me a "two-timing whore", dumped his coffee on me and walked out in tears. I'm 14 and I have no idea who he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 138

You deserved it 3 963

Harsh

By notonasoccertam - 06/09/2020 10:09 - United States

Today, I made my school's soccer team. I told the coach that since I have diabetes, I might need to sit out occasionally. He promptly erased my name and said he didn't accept "slackers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 578

You deserved it 245

By Anonymous - 09/01/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, I was in gym class talking to a guy I like. My friend then decided to come up behind me and pants me, pulling down my underwear along with them. His only comment? "Someone needs to shave." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 705

You deserved it 7 605

By Anonymous - 06/01/2011 06:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on. My boyfriend noticed that every time I'm about to climax, I hit my head on something. Whether it's a wall or his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 510

You deserved it 6 158

New management

By anonix - 21/12/2014 19:08 - Canada

Today, a customer came in with a laptop smashed beyond repair. She asked if we could recover her files, but thanks to my idiot boss's new store policy I had to ask her a bunch of questions, including if she had tried "turning it on and off." She stared at me, speechless, like I was a complete moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 187

You deserved it 4 411

Busted by Detective Dog

By ash - 04/01/2011 21:09 - United States

Today, it was my boyfriend's last night visiting my family. My dog decided to go through the trash, then run up to my dad with one of our used condoms caught in her teeth. My parents didn't even know we were sleeping in the same room. They know a lot more now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 940

You deserved it 14 866

FML every way you look at it

By Anonymous - 25/09/2020 02:03 - Australia

Today, I had an enjoyable Tinder date, but I wasn't feeling any physical attraction because of her short hair. I let her know, to which she replied, "I don't like it either but growing it after chemo is a slow process." FML

I agree, your life sucks 467

You deserved it 3 605

50 shades of shit

By Anonymous - 13/03/2023 09:00

Today, I got home and I saw my dad come out of the kitchen in a red silk hood. I had no idea what the hell he was doing, until I went inside and heard him upstairs say to mum, “Oh my, Grandma, what a big mouth you have.” Hell of a way to discover your parents like role-play in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 315

You deserved it 263

By Lady - 11/01/2010 00:21 - United States

Today, I had to clean my house to hide the evidence of the party I threw last night. I attempted to clean the puke stain on my carpet while still drunk. I didn't realize until this morning that the All Purpose cleaner I used was actually All Purpose Adhesive. The evidence is now glued to my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 289

You deserved it 44 389

Getting Out of Bed

By FML Videos - 22/10/2018 18:30 - United States - New York

If you're not a morning person, you know how it is.

I agree, your life sucks 308

You deserved it 83

The all-seeing eye

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 02:49 - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time. Just as she took her shirt off, her phone rang. It was her mom, demanding she return home. Now I've been cockblocked, and my girlfriend's mom seems to be a goddamn clairvoyant. Awesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 385

You deserved it 5 807

That escalated quickly

By zenithbelana - 10/01/2010 07:01 - United States

Today, two weeks after reporting our car was broken into, the police showed up to our flat. They came to inform us that our car was was broken into. We explained that we knew this and reported it weeks ago. Apparently, it was broken into again, and set on fire this time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 718

You deserved it 2 135

By Annette - 22/09/2012 16:17 - United States - Seattle

Today, I started my new job. Less than one hour into the day, my boss told me that the reason he hired me was that I was the least attractive of everyone he interviewed, so I'd be less likely to cause a distraction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 356

You deserved it 2 106

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door, "Are you jacking off in there or something?" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

I agree, your life sucks 135 060

You deserved it 80 720

Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for a while, and we were joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "Soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 400 230

You deserved it 46 172

Random

Today, while serving a line of ten customers by myself at the coffee shop I work at, I knocked over a cup of steaming hot milk and it went all over the coffee bar, espresso machine, floor, and myself. I then had to act like everything was fine and make a line of drinks with milk everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 002

You deserved it 1 067

Today, I walked in on my brother trying to stick his knob into a cola bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 978

You deserved it 1 586

Today, I was fired from my dream job for being pregnant. Apparently, you can't teach children while growing one inside you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 614

You deserved it 2 446

Today, I got stuck driving behind a rather large motorcyclist on a one way road for 30 miles. For those 30 miles, I had a full view of his back fat rolls and butt crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 693

You deserved it 3 775

Today, an old lady hit me with her car, after which she said, "Oh! Not again!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 315

You deserved it 2 833

Today, my minivan broke down on the side of the highway. I'm out of work and can't afford a cell phone, so I resorted to standing at the back of my van holding a "HELP" sign. About an hour went by, in which time I was passed by a cop car, a firetruck, and a car that said "Roadside Assistance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 953

You deserved it 3 685