Intimacy: Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom...

By badmom - 10/06/2009 18:09 - Canada

Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door, "Are you jacking off in there or something?" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134 716

You deserved it 80 426

Intimacy

Batman

Own it

Thoughts and prayers

By Diana - 05/07/2018 01:30

Today, I gave birth to my first son. He was 11 pounds and the labour lasted 22 hours. My husband was absent for 8 of those hours because he slipped when my water broke, cracked his head, and ended up in the ER next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 778

You deserved it 352

By Jaws - 10/02/2011 16:09 - France

Today, I got slapped in the face by my girlfriend with a banana skin, because I finished up the chocolate cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 749

You deserved it 38 513

By FingerBang - 21/10/2009 06:32 - Australia

Today, whilst holding a hand rail on a packed bus, I was rubbing my hand along, and playing with, what I thought was a join in the metal. It was an old woman's finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 038

You deserved it 34 061

By Anonymous - 18/07/2019 18:00

Today, I asked my wife who she would choose, me or the dog. She chose the dog. No hesitation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 266

You deserved it 944

Fire in the hole!

By CarrieBerrie - 14/08/2020 17:01

Today, after being woken up with the intense urge to go to the bathroom, and having gone to the bathroom three times in the last hour, I finally realized I took two laxatives instead of two Midol. My ass is on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 260

You deserved it 493

By Ben - 18/06/2011 15:34 - United States

Today, I found out that my eight year old son is actually my nephew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 677

You deserved it 7 081

By billy - 31/03/2015 10:54 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, I dislocated my toe while putting on my socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 875

You deserved it 5 359

By Anonymous - 28/12/2013 00:05 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to wake me up by sprinkling catnip over me then dropping my cat on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 143

You deserved it 3 804

By Anonymous - 24/12/2011 02:49 - Australia

Today, I was out clubbing, when some bloke at the bar started trying to pick fights with everyone. Trying to defuse the situation with humour, I said, "I used to be a tough guy like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee." The next thing I know, I have a broken nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 120

You deserved it 41 636

By Anonymous - 14/08/2017 14:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my girlfriend got heartburn. She started freaking out, convinced she was having a heart attack. Five hours and an ambulance later, we finally left the ER with a diagnosis of 'too many hot dogs.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 839

You deserved it 436

Signs

By Anonymous - 10/04/2021 23:00

Today, it's been a year since I moved 200 km across the country to be closer to my boyfriend of 5 years and his kids. I got the keys to my flat and 3 days later the pandemic was a fact. Shouldn’t have ignored that sign. I’m single now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 753

You deserved it 108

Retail work is hell

By Anonymous - 12/06/2021 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, a girl threatened to castrate me if I didn’t refund her for a remote control that SHE damaged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 801

You deserved it 53

By Anonymous - 27/06/2019 00:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend ran off with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 107

You deserved it 206

By failure - 12/07/2012 16:08 - United States - Hector

Today, in the middle of my online midterm, my computer decided to update and closed out of the test. It can't be retaken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 880

You deserved it 3 611

Overreaction much?

By Anonymous - 08/10/2019 12:00

Today, my boyfriend's mum yelled at me for, "nagging Stephen to get married when he isn't ready." I mentioned marriage once. At my sister's wedding. When prompted by my grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 515

You deserved it 310

Libertarian nightmare

By Juan Carlos - 09/09/2021 08:00

Today, when I checked on my last payroll, I realized that I pay more in taxes than I do in house bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 739

You deserved it 93

Well Played

By redhead - 06/07/2017 22:30 - United States - Lima

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years is dating another girl. Not only do she and I share the same hair and eye color, but we also happen to have the same first name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 342

You deserved it 416

By Shameonme - 26/10/2008 16:04 - Morocco

Today, I yelled out while I was asleep. However, I was sleeping during a very important meeting with customers and my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 559

You deserved it 61 042

By Adam Gordon - 30/03/2017 14:00

Today, I received a Snapchat of a horse-drawn carriage version of a hearse. I replied, "That's so extra!" because I thought it was finals week at her school. Turns out, she's at her uncle's funeral. He was an officer in the Air Force and there's going to be a 21-gun salute in his honor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 126

You deserved it 2 047

By Anonymous - 19/01/2011 01:51 - Australia

Today, I found out that since no other procedures are working, I was required to stop eating, and drink a bunch of foul tasting 'goo', which will in turn give me constant diarrhea. This will then prepare me nicely for the long tube with a camera on the end of which will be shoved up my rectum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 361

You deserved it 3 789

By Ex-Employee - 31/07/2016 02:14 - United States

Today, my boss fired me for causing a "commotion" at work while running the vacuum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 087

You deserved it 1 001

By scorned ex - 17/10/2015 03:29

Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me an email that read, "How to lose 25lbs". I was eating a large slice of pie when I opened the email. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 363

You deserved it 7 761

By whatismydadthinking - 06/08/2009 08:45 - Australia

Today, I was introduced to my future stepmother, but it turns out that I already know her. Not only are we the same age and went to the same high school, when we were in the same math class together the teacher would often confuse our names because "we could pass as twins". FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 378

You deserved it 3 305

AT&Twat

By Anonymous - 18/09/2020 20:02

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his best friend that the only reason he likes to sleep over at my house is for the sex and the fast internet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 333

You deserved it 224

Not that handy

By MyChemicalRomantic - 31/03/2020 02:00

Today, I found out that I can never go to my local cinema again. Not just because of the current lockdown, no. The guy I gave an embarrassing, drunken hand job at a party to works there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 636

You deserved it 1 801

By Anonymous - 12/09/2014 13:17 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I had to take my husband's laptop to University for an in-class exam. I opened the screen, and loud porn started to auto-play. The silence in the class was deafening as I tried to make it stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 407

You deserved it 7 429

By Foreverathome - 28/09/2011 05:17 - United States

Today, after months of telling my parents I was going to live on my own, I finally moved out. Not even 24 hours being out of their house, some reject burned down the apartment complex I live in. Guess who's moving back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 838

You deserved it 2 561

By NotJoeyEssex - 26/07/2019 00:01

Today, I was so lonely and bored, I thought about making the most of our current heatwave by giving myself heatstroke, just so I could talk to a doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 078

You deserved it 1 082

By FastFoodWaiter - 03/09/2012 23:43 - United States - Saukville

Today, a woman came up to me at work and screamed at me for "taking forever" to come and wait at her table. I work at Wendy's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 259

You deserved it 1 936

Affection breakdown

By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom - Boston

Today, my wife can't be bothered to do anything that isn't work, talk about her work, and sit on the sofa. Then she complains that I don't show any affection, when she can be bothered to even talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 111

By lolographic24 - 13/02/2010 13:44 - Norway

Today, it was my turn to take out the trash. While walking to the dumpster, I slip and fall. It doesn't really hurt, so I get up and go to the dumpster, but the top is frozen stuck. It won't budge. Then I really pull with a lot of force, and the lid swings open and busts my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 292

You deserved it 4 124

By Anonymous - 16/06/2014 16:33 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, my laziness reached an all-time high. I had a dream that I was at school and had spilled all the contents of my backpack onto the floor. I then purposely shook myself out of my sleep to avoid cleaning up the mess in my dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 656

You deserved it 10 972

By qourt - 14/02/2019 15:34 - United States

Today, my stomach growled so loud in class that a boy sitting next to me thought his phone had vibrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 313

You deserved it 2 259

By LustyDragon - 05/06/2017 14:00

Today, my husband won't shave his beard, despite the fact it grows in wiry and looks like pubic hair. He is now accusing me of "not loving him for who he is." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 888

You deserved it 1 208

By UTurn - 09/08/2019 04:00

Today, I lost my phone during a hike up Mount Washington. Luckily, it was reported to the office, and they called my wife. Too bad we had already been driving for at least four hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 423

You deserved it 261

By has-evil-friends - 26/11/2009 20:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I had six friends round for pizza. When I went to answer the door to the delivery, my friends turned off the lights and pretended they weren't there when I shouted for help carrying all the food. Not only does the cute delivery guy think I'm greedy, but also that I have imaginary friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 639

You deserved it 3 609

By sadtimes - 22/01/2009 11:10 - Canada

Today, I decided to get a Blizzard from Dairy Queen. As bent down to put my pen away, my Blizzard somehow defied the laws of gravity and fell on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 169

You deserved it 4 232

By braceforcarnage - 02/12/2014 15:42 - United States

Today, I got broken up with. In a text message. She texted my grandma, who then had to forward said text to me. I got broken up via grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 920

You deserved it 3 153

Apocalypse Now

By dacara6415 - 26/08/2020 14:01 - United States

Today, I was diagnosed with a kidney infection; the symptoms include nausea and having to pee every five minutes. I had to walk six miles in the pouring rain to pick up the medication, peed in the woods twice, got honked at while throwing up on the road, and my boyfriend told me not to complain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 924

You deserved it 133

By seb21 - 09/02/2009 02:32 - United States

Today, I called my dad to inform him I was coming home from college for the weekend. Expecting him to be excited, he responded with "why?" This weekend was my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 443

You deserved it 2 299

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Top comments

GIRAFFES 0

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Wednesday 10 June 2009 23:03

Wow. I blame public schools? Harrr. :B

amyzerz 0

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Wednesday 10 June 2009 23:05

What sort of vulgar environment are you raising your kids in? Or is it simply the way our schooling system has come to nowadays... FYL & YDI.

GIRAFFES 0

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Wednesday 10 June 2009 23:03

Wow. I blame public schools? Harrr. :B

Noire_ 0

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Wednesday 15 July 2009 4:45

Actually, you're right~! I learned the middle finger at school at the lunch table in grade 1 >.> But I learned most of my swears form my parents.

ffmmllyaya 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 1:16

god damn!

yake12 0

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Thursday 18 February 2010 7:09

gotta love how there is a star on the word fucking... but cunt is left in the open like it is the less rude of the words

dontpanic_fml 32

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Friday 19 February 2010 19:23

haha, totally noticed this too! fucking stupid, OP...

haleyisawsomee 0

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Wednesday 17 March 2010 0:41

hahahahaha!!! thts priceless!! :D

Whatever80 0

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Friday 26 March 2010 21:28

Mostly Everyone Learns There Curse Words From There Parents.

RachelTheLoser 0

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Sunday 4 April 2010 5:21

this is soooo messed up in the most saddest way, but because this is FML, this is hilarious xD

juni_kewl 0

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Tuesday 13 April 2010 4:10

yeah... my mum always says c*nt is THE WORST word to say. EVER.

nosedive1994 0

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Saturday 17 April 2010 1:54

lol as Eminem says "and fuck was the first word I ever learned up in the 3rd grade flipping the gym teacher the bird"

soccerdilan 0

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Tuesday 22 June 2010 7:27

I learned EVERYTHING in second grade

Justforlolz 14

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Tuesday 29 June 2010 3:05

#717 agreed. I learned ALL of my swear words from either school or TV. Blame the DOE and TV.

aulds 0

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Wednesday 28 July 2010 17:21

wow their smart kids

leadrunner751 3

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Tuesday 7 September 2010 6:16

awesome kids

emo_Onsterr 0

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Sunday 5 December 2010 20:15

lol am I the only one who thinks this is funny as hell??

jjkiss 0

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Sunday 15 May 2011 6:05

I was about to say that

davizv 0

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Friday 15 July 2011 6:10

why would u blame anything? these are signs of successful parenting!

djwilson50 3

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Sunday 24 July 2011 18:20

wow. your name, it makes sense!

lovvee123 0

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 7:37

Lmaoo I was thinking the exaacttt same thing # 751!

RockNRollAndrew 18

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Tuesday 7 January 2014 18:23

I learned almost every curse word by kindergarten or 1st grade because of my dad being drunk.

britches 0

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Wednesday 10 June 2009 23:04

Whaaaaat!!!!! Kids say the darnest things :-p

trenton95 4

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Friday 26 March 2010 2:07

this guy Is gay. ^

heroesrocksmysoc 0

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Thursday 1 April 2010 8:16

yuppp

jebby011 0

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Monday 5 April 2010 3:03

agreed

Giant_CornChunks 0

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Friday 21 May 2010 6:37

I can smell your britches and they're stinky, stinky britches.

sammyprosnit 8

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Friday 4 June 2010 21:17

lmbo!!!

soldierz 0

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Tuesday 24 August 2010 5:20

^^^^ EAGLESS WOOOOOO lol

Chaith 16

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Wednesday 10 June 2009 23:04

LOL. Assholes, they're getting younger .

dboy006778 0

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Sunday 17 April 2011 14:34

i agree

Trolliolio 6

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Saturday 27 April 2013 23:27

I believe that is what the thumb up button is for. No need to waste comment space if you're not going to say anything other than "I agree".

amyzerz 0

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Wednesday 10 June 2009 23:05

What sort of vulgar environment are you raising your kids in? Or is it simply the way our schooling system has come to nowadays... FYL & YDI.

21skulls 0

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Wednesday 10 June 2009 23:05

Holy hell.

Ar3s 1

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Wednesday 10 June 2009 23:05

doesn't she know not to disturb a guy taking care of business in the bathroom

funnyfml 0

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Friday 31 July 2009 17:12

lol

bobateme 0

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Sunday 19 September 2010 2:08

tell my brother that, lol.

Superman1993 0

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Wednesday 10 June 2009 23:05

wow you must be bad, hit them up a bit that should teach them to say those words again, then was their mouth with soap

guitardedman 0

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Wednesday 10 June 2009 23:05

jesus. time to start paddlin' em

wowfmlife 0

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Wednesday 10 June 2009 23:06

failparent protip:dont let the children watch R rated movies

cnygard95 12

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 5:30

its not cuz of that...

imkendra 0

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Wednesday 10 June 2009 23:06

Where on earth are they learning to talk to one another like that?!

paramorefan125 0

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Sunday 21 February 2010 11:27

ahahah it's calld public skool, gt used 2 eht waaaaaaayyyyyyyy worse in middle skool

morgantia2011 4

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 5:12

I do believe highschool is worse

skisftw 0

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Friday 26 March 2010 2:50

its an 8 year old jacking off what do ya expect

lelanatty 0

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Saturday 8 May 2010 0:33

in my life, middle school was where kids started cursing just for the hell of it and would curse every other word just about. now that we're in highschool we're a little more mature and only do it when necessary.

Helloweentonite 0

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Saturday 8 May 2010 1:30

thts rly said op... ur son-HAHAHAHA Fyl! yes public skool and YOU teach ur kids these words! shut ur mouth sometimes! or say these words in a soundproof room.. stop the jacking: -surveillance cameras -get your son counselling -put him in solitary/tie his hands behind his back _HAPPY TO HELP! _HAPPY HELLOWEEN