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By Anonymous - 11/06/2019 06:00

Today, I was picking up after my dog with a poo baggie over my hand, like a mitten. Too bad the bottom ripped open and my bare hand poked through it just as I grabbed a big handful of steaming dog turd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 877

You deserved it 307

By Anonymous - 23/05/2013 01:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I have to defend my client in court. The defense that my client wants me to use is, "It's not a robbery if you have swag" and then goes on saying, "The judge is bound to let me go after he sees my swag." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 398

You deserved it 4 767

You gotta be kidding me?

By mammasboy - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Springfield

Today, my mom scolded me and threatened to ground me for coming home past midnight. Normally, it wouldn't be unreasonable, except for the fact that I'm 24 years-old, and that my parents live with me, in my own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 421

You deserved it 5 461

By Terra - 19/11/2016 05:14

Today, I logged on Facebook and saw my friend who'd been engaged, then broke the engagement, then got back together announce their new wedding date: three days before my wedding. She also sent me a message asking if I'd move my date. We've been planning our wedding for two years. She got engaged six months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 547

You deserved it 810

By Anonymous - 04/10/2010 19:59 - Canada

Today, my ex-girlfriend was having lunch with my parents. Believing she was in love with me and feeling the same, I dropped by. My parents told me that she’s their friend and that she has a boyfriend that they approve of, all while telling me I was never good enough for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 630

You deserved it 4 895

By Anonymous - 30/05/2012 05:25 - United States - Astoria

Today, my fiancé and I broke up, and he won't answer my calls or texts. I don't want him back; he has my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 241

You deserved it 3 503

By Anonymous - 04/07/2014 19:04 - Netherlands

Today, on my first day as a lifeguard, a man had a heart attack in the pool. I jumped in, pulled him out, and even went to the hospital with him. He seemed genuinely offended, saying "You should've let me die." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 997

You deserved it 3 445

By PissNTra - 19/07/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house to meet her entire family for the first time. Trying not to be rude, I ate their 12-bean and chorizo soup. Now I'm stuck in the bathroom trying to unclog the toilet with no plunger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 932

You deserved it 5 282

No way

By Anonymous - 01/05/2013 18:41 - United States - Downey

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 885

You deserved it 58 923

By keenan - 19/09/2010 23:55 - United States

Today, I had to use my driver's license to convince the security guard at a game room that I was a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 054

You deserved it 5 204

By Username - 13/09/2010 01:38 - France

Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 400

You deserved it 31 443

It's a dangerous day for our little friend...

By FML Approved - 19/07/2017 18:54

It's National Hotdog Day!

I agree, your life sucks 660

You deserved it 204

Private Freakout

By Roida - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, my parents had a fight, which is a pretty normal occurrence at our house. But today, they fought over an orange. Dad is now sitting in his bedroom with the aforementioned orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 396

You deserved it 2 733

By Anonymous - 08/05/2012 11:35 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he would still love me if I became a vegetable. His response: "Well, the sex wouldn't be any different." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 801

You deserved it 35 196

By Anonymous - 23/10/2009 00:15 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my bed drinking Yoohoo from a juice box. I decided it would be fun to see how much I could fit in my mouth. As soon as my mouth was full, I sneezed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 731

You deserved it 41 643

By Flora - 17/04/2013 22:56 - United States - Watsonville

Today, I got ancestry DNA tests for my parents and myself. The DNA testing company informed me that I'm a 50% match for my mother but I share no DNA with my father. Apparently, both my parents forgot that they used a sperm donor. This insignificant detail has slipped their minds for 35 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 712

You deserved it 3 306

Harmonic dissonance

By Anonymous - 05/05/2012 16:28 - United States - Belleville

Today, I came home from the minimum-wage job I suffer through to support my now ex-boyfriend's ailing music career. It seems his time management skills suck almost as badly as his music, because I found him in my bedroom, licking whipped cream off my step-sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 925

You deserved it 4 579

By urgg - 05/09/2010 14:20 - United States

Today, I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 946

You deserved it 5 026

By Pissed - 21/10/2009 10:05 - New Zealand

Today, I was standing in the gas station, pulling out my wallet to pay the $100 of gas I just filled my car with. I opened my wallet and found a note saying "borrowed money for food". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 444

You deserved it 4 318

By will - 14/08/2019 12:00 - Canada

Today, my 6-year-old son apparently decided to make a game out of clogging the toilet with toilet paper. He won, and now the whole basement is flooded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 535

You deserved it 221

By mafiaguy800 - 27/08/2019 14:00

Today, I woke up to see my four year-old brother with a sharpie, trying to play “Connect the Dots” with my acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 535

You deserved it 155

By BEE - 10/10/2009 22:35 - United States

Today, I am in a very long line at the supermarket, gazing about in complete boredom when I spot a lady cradling what appears to be a cute newborn baby. Being enamored of all babies, I get off the line, go over and say "Oh, what a cute little baby!" The lady was holding a coconut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 246

You deserved it 47 561

Blood is thicker…

By Anonymous - 01/05/2021 13:57

Today, it's been a dozen years since I had sex, as my husband is mentally dealing with molestation as a kid by his uncle. Meanwhile, his mother is on vacation with the molester. Yes, she knows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 724

You deserved it 125

Great support, mom

By Red curtains - 03/05/2021 11:01

Today, my mother is still insisting it must have been my fault that my husband beat me into a coma for 5 weeks, because he’s such a "nice boy from a good family" with a really successful career, so it must have been me who provoked him into it. She keeps trying to get us back together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 257

You deserved it 126

TMI

By Anonymous - 14/09/2019 14:00 - United Kingdom - Godalming

Today, I sent a photo of my flat to my mother to show her how tidy I’d made it. What I didn’t realise was that my lube and sex toys were also included in the photo of the bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 730

You deserved it 2 620

Cats gonna cat

By Anonymous - 18/09/2019 14:00

Today, I got a new mattress delivered to my house. Didn’t have it on the frame for more than 5 minutes before my cat had already pissed on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 493

You deserved it 396

By anonymous - 08/06/2011 06:55 - United States

Today, my husband and I got married. The only thing that is different so far is that he now thinks that it's okay to shit with the door open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 024

You deserved it 8 742

Parenting Struggles

By FML Approved - 08/10/2017 03:00

There are a lot of FML moments when rambunctious kids are around!

I agree, your life sucks 467

You deserved it 150

About last night…

By missalexa - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, upon getting out of the shower, I discovered the towel I grabbed off the rack had dried poop on it. Apparently, during my sister's birthday party yesterday, we'd run out of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 151

You deserved it 4 164

Stereotypes

By Anonymous - 26/09/2019 06:01

Today, my girlfriend's Facebook relationship status was changed to single. When I tried to ask her about, she told me she's a lesbian now. Her mullet should've been a clue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 568

You deserved it 347

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Today, I got a boner in the MRI machine while my pelvic bone was being scanned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 939

You deserved it 8 273

Today, my husband told me that he can't find his passport. We're supposed to be leaving for Prague in two days. He's known about the trip for months. It was the anniversary vacation that was going to help our frayed relationship. Now my money is going to a hotel in Prague, but I'm not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 845

You deserved it 4 328

Today, Amazon didn't deliver the present I bought my mother for Mothering Sunday, so she called me an 'Ungrateful bastard.' And about half an hour ago, I cut my thumb whilst making her lunch. She said, 'You're doing this on purpose so I feel sorry for you. Well I don't.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 810

You deserved it 3 739

Today, I found out that my wife gave me head lice on purpose so I would have to cut off the ponytail that I've been growing since '99. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 262

You deserved it 96 757

Today, I got called into the principal's office of my son's school. Why? He'd called his teacher a "fudge packer". No more weekends with his uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 319

You deserved it 367

Today, I discovered my husband of 8 years has been replying to an OnlyFans models pics on Twitter. Two weeks ago, I'd found his secret Instagram that only follows two OF models, and she's one of them. He also watches her on Twitch. He doesn't know I know. We've only had sex twice in the last year because he "doesn't think about sex." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 027

You deserved it 373