Today, I was sitting in my bed drinking Yoohoo from a juice box....

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in my bed drinking Yoohoo from a juice box. I decided it would be fun to see how much I could fit in my mouth. As soon as my mouth was full, I sneezed. FML

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Miscellaneous

The View

Misheard

It's the thought that counts

By IllJustGetYouASweaterThen - United States

Today, I was called handsome. Too bad it was coming from a trashed homeless lady, who then went on to tell me that she likes my lips and wants to rape me. FML

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By SleepObsessed

Today, even though I'm the most neat freak germophobe there is, I was diagnosed with scabies. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, I told my friend over the phone that I had to go drop the kids off at the pool. She told me that she didn't need to know about my bathroom habits and hung up on me. I really had to take my children to the local swimming pool for swim lessons. FML

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By StockedWithJuice - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my 16-year-old son bought a huge amount of grape juice, because he thought he could store it under his bed and wait for it to turn to wine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the grocery store with my dad. He let out a very silent but foul abomination of a fart. The people behind us started gagging, so he turned, pointed at me and said "That was my daughter." FML

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By rawdoglyfe69 - United States - Helena

Today, I learned two things. First, my girlfriend loves sex. Second, I'm practically the only one she hasn't had sex with in the 2 months we've been dating. FML

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By shaverguy - United States

Today, I got an electric shaver hoping that it would reduce the risk of cutting myself than shaving with a manual one. However, I cut myself opening the plastic package with the shaver inside. FML

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By Anonymous

Look-alikes

Today, the guy I really like told me that I look exactly like Kathy Bates. I'm only 30. FML

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By krh14 - United States - Crofton

Today, my girlfriend was feeling a little down, so I tried to console her. She said she just needed space and I respected that. Then an hour later she was fine, so I asked how she did it. She replied that she talked to her ex for a whole hour. This is a common procedure. FML

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By Ugh

Today, I got a job offer and was asked to come in at 5am for training. I sat there for about 2 hours before giving up. I was at the wrong site. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a message from the girl I like. She told me to never speak to her again and not even look at her any more. Apparently the letter I wrote to her was perverted, vile and nasty. I never wrote her a letter. FML

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By Eyebrowsgone - United States

Today, I decided to wax my own eyebrows with a Do It Yourself kit from the pharmacy. I'm now missing half of my right eyebrow. FML

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By yeah_im_mad_bro - Canada

Today, it's been a week since my little brother took up his new hobby of posting "cool story, bro" in reply to almost every Facebook status and comment that I make. Not only do I already want to smash his face against a brick wall, my parents will ground me if I defriend any family members. FML

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By Nick - United States

Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML

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By spanishsucks - United States - Livingston

Today, I introduced my mother to my new girlfriend. My mom made a very nasty comment about her in Spanish, not realizing that my girlfriend teaches Spanish at the local school. FML

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By lovegame - Singapore - Singapore

Today, two months after forgiving my girlfriend for breaking my heart by cheating on me, I found out that she's cheating again with the same guy. When I confronted her, she basically said I brought it on myself and that I was an idiot for not dumping her the first time. FML

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By ronboy - United States - Columbus

Today, I decided to be responsible and call a cab to take my drunk ass home from the bar. As I climbed into the cab, I was quickly pulled back out and had the shit beaten out of me by a group of drunk guys who thought they needed the ride more. The police soon arrived and arrested us all. FML

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By fthislyfe - Netherlands

Today, in an amphitheater, someone hit the back of my head. As I turned around, the guy apologized and said he mistook me for his friend. I changed seats, and after a while, I got hit a second time. He was wrong again. FML

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By why? - 12/4/2020 17:00

Unreasonable demands

Today, my close friend who’s always been incredibly vocal about how much she hates children, never wants to be around them or have anything to do with them, stopped speaking to me. She’s incredibly "hurt" that I asked another friend to be my unborn child's godmother instead of her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, through a mutual friend, I met the girl of my dreams. After flirting and exchanging numbers with her, my friend confessed that she's liked me since the day we met. Now the girl of my dreams doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me out of respect for our friend. FML

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By annon - Canada

Today, my brother's girlfriend broke up with him. He has been playing Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" all day. FML

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By go fish

Today, my boyfriend gently pointed out that when we hug, it's our stomachs that touch first. FML

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By toelie

Oh the times, they are a-changin'

Today, as two of my students walked into my classroom, I said, "Hi, ladies". One of them screamed at me: "Did you just assume my gender?!" FML

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By drugsforthugs - United States - Sierra Madre

Today, in the middle of a boring class, my friend offered me some Smarties. We're not allowed to eat in class, but I had a couple anyway. As I put them in my mouth, my "friend" stood up and yelled that I was doing ecstasy. I might actually get expelled. FML

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By Neuronerd - United States - Richmond

Today, my Uber driver tried to detour my trip home to take me on a date to Waffle House, even after I showed zero interest and talked about my boyfriend non-stop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a really hot guy smacked my ass. I farted. FML

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By kierstin - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend because he has anger issues. Tonight, my tires were slashed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I called and went downtown after the city incorrectly issued fines against my property and threatened jail time for violating city ordinances, not paying fines, and not filing permits. They told me that, until fines are paid, they cannot correct a thing even though they got the address wrong. FML

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By greenandswirly - United States - Columbia City

Today, I injured my knee at a Zumba class, a class I joined to lose weight so my knees wouldn't hurt so much. Now I can't even go for a leisurely walk. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while fingering my girlfriend in the dark, I tried to be sexy and licked my fingers. After we turned the lights back on, we realized that her period had come early. FML

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By misspukesalot - 14/7/2020 14:02

Two-way street

Today, at 7 months pregnant, I have come to accept the morning sickness isn’t going to ease off. It’s so severe that I don’t make my meal choices based on calories or even cravings, rather on how bad it’ll taste when it comes back up. FML

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By LoveYouTooMa - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well and consequently threw up. In an effort to get some sympathy, I told my mom about what happened. Rather than trying to make me feel better, she yelled at me because I threw up in the bathroom sink "when the damn toilet is two feet away." Thanks mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the landscaping job I started three weeks ago is actually for an illicit business run by a hippie who pissed away the entire payroll to fund his drug habit. He has no way of coughing up the $900 he owes me. I'm broke as hell, and my electricity is now going to get cut off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Ramon

Today, my mother-in-law tried to "accidentally" run me over. FML

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By feelthesting - Mexico - Aguascalientes

Today, I found out that my "mosquito bite" was in fact a jellyfish sting I got in Mexico, which has caused me to break out into horrendous hives in the airport waiting for the flight home. It's okay though, the plane is only delayed for 7 hours. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I stretched out my wedding dress on my bed so it could air out before the big day tomorrow. Later I returned to my room only to find my cat on my wedding dress, it peed on it. FML

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By CanStandup

Today, a very large lady was sitting down and panting as she watched me stock the bottom shelves at my store. Apparently, being able to squat down and stand back up repeatedly means I'm mocking her, and she threatened to report me to corporate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing my bass clarinet around the house. I asked my dad if he would be at my concert on December 16th. His response was, "No, I'm working that day." My dad is a plumber, and gets called to work completely at random; he has no schedule. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 23:00

Dream baby dream

Today, I woke up to my father sobbing his eyes out in the kitchen. Apparently, I screamed, "DON'T TELL THEM I'M PREGNANT!" in my sleep last night. FML

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By Alice - United States - Logan

Today, I met my fiancé's much older sister for the first time. Turns out she is actually my old high school English teacher who used to make me cry at least 3 times a week. It's been three hours and I've accidentally called her Miss Willow 4 times and been reduced to tears twice. FML

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Top comments

By Alex_DeLarge | 0

#634206 - Friday 23 October 2009 7:31

Yoohoos are awesome!

By deathbunny256 | 0

#634214 - Friday 23 October 2009 7:36

what's a yoohoo?

COMMENTS

By Alex_DeLarge | 0

#634206 - Friday 23 October 2009 7:31

Yoohoos are awesome!

suaveneanderthal | 0

#634262 - Friday 23 October 2009 8:13

bad things happen when you try to see how much will fit in your mouth....

FenderYK | 0

#634263 - Friday 23 October 2009 8:13

second?

Mintyfreshy | 0

#634286 - Friday 23 October 2009 8:42

OH NO YOU SNEEZED YOOHOO! ITS ON YOUR COVERS!!!! YOUR LIFE IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKED!!!! Might as well end it.

FMY_FYL | 0

#634293 - Friday 23 October 2009 8:48

at #13.
that's what she said.

Dabamash | 0

#634530 - Friday 23 October 2009 13:48

Hahaha

ilovefatcats | 12

#968336 - Friday 26 March 2010 3:52

loooooool :D

darby323 | 0

#1063636 - Monday 5 July 2010 1:58

lol #18!!! XD

kxxjoejoexxk | 8

#5211694 - Monday 3 December 2012 22:17

Whats yoohoo....

By deathbunny256 | 0

#634214 - Friday 23 October 2009 7:36

what's a yoohoo?

nokka | 5

#634226 - Friday 23 October 2009 7:41

Yoohoo is a kind of cold chocolate drink:
http://www.yoo-hoo.com

And OP, FYL for really bad timing ^^

Maxine17 | 8

#634355 - Friday 23 October 2009 9:54

So glad you asked there, Deathbunny256.

Sometimes I wish I was American, you always seem to have wonderfully sounding snacks/drinks.

paivarotti | 0

#634567 - Friday 23 October 2009 14:22

It's not a juice box if it doesn't contain juice.

Ashleigh255 | 0

#1211121 - Monday 9 August 2010 10:07

yeah^^ I know right. it's like a chocolate milk.. :/

EmmaLouise3397 | 0

#1653324 - Friday 5 November 2010 8:28

Well in England we have Yazoo's. Maybe it's the same thing.

thedoenut | 5

#4714870 - Saturday 21 July 2012 4:28

It's a magical chocolate drink that taste like if you mix happiness and rainbows together

quinn1184 | 25

#5595536 - Wednesday 24 July 2013 8:05

You're Canadian too?

By youEQUALtosser | 0

#634221 - Friday 23 October 2009 7:39

You're such a div.

By thatonekid2010 | 0

#634225 - Friday 23 October 2009 7:40

2nd!
yoohoos are amazing!

Maxine17 | 8

#634369 - Friday 23 October 2009 10:05

You are wrong.
You are not 2nd.

merekat95 | 14

#6003886 - Thursday 10 July 2014 14:07

What's he think he's 2nd to?

By dudeitsdanny | 9

#634236 - Friday 23 October 2009 7:50

How do you drink a Yoohoo out of a juice box?

redbluegreen | 40

#634244 - Friday 23 October 2009 7:54

Yoo-Hoo comes in the little juice boxes as well as in a can or bottle.

dudeitsdanny | 9

#634278 - Friday 23 October 2009 8:31

But.. If it's a chocolate drink.. Can it really be called a juicebox? That's what I meant -)

ichikibobivopula | 0

#2539990 - Friday 20 May 2011 21:14

with a straw.

By hellawagon | 0

#634238 - Friday 23 October 2009 7:50

I'm sorry you had to clean up a mess that was your fault?

By drmike_fml | 0

#634249 - Friday 23 October 2009 7:58

hahahahahHHHahahahahahaha

By Gen_Knowledge | 0

#634250 - Friday 23 October 2009 8:00

Woah, I'm so sorry for you!

I just... i just can't believe that something terrible like this happened to you!

OMG - it's totaly not your fault! I light a candle for you.

By switchbladehooli | 0

#634256 - Friday 23 October 2009 8:06

Heehehehehhehehehee! Classic

By perdix | 29

#634277 - Friday 23 October 2009 8:28

How are you going to convince anyone that you didn't have explosive diarrhea in bed? No one is going to accept your invitation to come close enough to smell it.

kmfyr | 0

#634311 - Friday 23 October 2009 9:10

I'm tempted to try that sometime.