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Cravings

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 274

You deserved it 11 151

Stabie genius

By Terrible Boss - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I fired all 12 of my employees, purely out of anger and frustration. Realizing my mistake when I'd calmed down, I called each employee and apologized, asking if they'd come back. Only one said yes. The mailroom clerk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 440

You deserved it 7 907

Sex work is real work

By Anonymous - 22/09/2019 00:01

Spicy

Today, I just found out my best friend is a hooker. I just thought she worked nights and had terrible taste in clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 889

You deserved it 522

By itscalledaphonecontractretards - 09/08/2016 17:54 - United States

Today, I'm so broke, I resorted to breaking into my old apartment complex to do my laundry in the basement for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 602

You deserved it 1 781

By Jesse - 20/03/2009 05:48 - United States

Today, I was pulled over by my father who is a police officer. He was training a rookie and gave me a breathalyzer test to show his trainee how to do it. I blew a .15 and was taken to jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 959

You deserved it 151 370

By Anonymous - 04/08/2016 21:25

Today, I made myself a snack. I took a seemingly clean plate from the sink which had been used earlier for scrambled eggs. Only after I'd made the snack did I remember I let my dog lick the plate clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 001

You deserved it 15 635

By Anonymous - 02/08/2016 14:42 - Germany - Berlin

Today, I excitedly told my brother I submitted a short story for a competition for the first time ever. His reply? "Congrats. I guess the first letter of rejection is a special occasion." Gee, thanks for that reality check. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 443

You deserved it 1 237

By BlueMacaw - 25/07/2016 14:38 - United States - Edmond

Today, at church, I sneezed suddenly and messily into my hand just as the priest asked us to stand and greet our neighbors with a handshake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 684

You deserved it 2 173

Apparently not.

By Dez - 27/11/2017 05:00 - United States - Anchorage

Spicy

Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend texted me asking, “We are in an open relationship, right?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 224

You deserved it 431

Gunk

By married to a bipedal husky - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Lake Butler

Today, I found out that my wife sheds worse than a husky when she showers. I've had to clean the drain before I shower or it floods the bathroom floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 786

You deserved it 1 324

Property is theft

By mu5icadd1ct - 08/07/2016 13:22

Today, my sister stole my bike and gave it to her boyfriend. When I told my parents, they said it was fine, because I wasn't using it anyway. The reason I wasn't using it was because it needed a new tire, and I was saving up for one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 695

You deserved it 914

By Butch - 04/07/2016 17:19 - United States - Mcdonough

Today, our e-mail server went down. When I called IT to find out what the status was, they told me they e-mailed everyone with an update. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 318

You deserved it 1 152

By badmom - 30/01/2018 19:00

Today, I was told that I was a terrible mother, I was ruining my daughter’s life and that I was raising her to be promiscuous. Why? Because I'd painted my 2-year-old’s fingernails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 636

You deserved it 667

By XxmegaronixX - 25/06/2016 04:55 - United States - Fond Du Lac

Today, my workplace often leaves out "expired" food from the café that our department coincides with, as it is wasteful to throw away perfectly fine cuisine. I soon discovered that the inside of a seemingly normal looking cupcake was actually filled with mold when I took a large mouthful of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 296

You deserved it 2 988

By Theboredone - 29/03/2018 19:00

Today, after a week on bed rest in a cast after ankle surgery, I got so bored and lonely I agreed to do an hour-long government phone survey just to have someone to talk to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 823

You deserved it 406

By drymouth - 17/06/2016 23:51 - United States - Berkeley

Today, my boss brought us some small cakes from a recent trip to China. I opened mine and noticed a little foil packet wrapped with the cake, so I thought it was a powdered topping. I had a couple of bites before my coworker told me it was actually a desiccant to keep the cakes fresh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 746

You deserved it 3 704

By Nanda - 14/06/2016 06:03 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my boss hired a new meat cutter because our old one stopped showing up for work. After he put the smock on, I told him what needed to be done. Without saying a word, he walks over to my boss, hands him his smock and says, "I quit." Guess I'm on my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 452

You deserved it 1 158

By Jo_kat - 09/06/2016 03:56 - United States - Portland

Today, I came home to find out my stay-at-home neighbor built his kids an awesome treehouse deck two stories up in the air. Three feet from my house. Directly adjacent to my second-floor bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 641

You deserved it 917

Jo_kat tells us more.

Jo_kat 5

Thursday 9 June 2016 23:04

OP here. Last night's 10 year old gossip included who's farts smell the best and what night the "neighborhood meeting" should take place in the treehouse. It isn't the visual privacy that's the issue, it's the sound. I can hear them whispering, but so far it's been pretty entertaining and they're called inside by 9pm. But they're guaranteed to get a soundbite when my boyfriend visits this weekend.... ;) Wish I could share a photo.

Weddings from hell

By happybride - 13/04/2018 01:30

Today, my wedding limo driver got high and forgot to pick us up, so the photographers gave us a ride back to the venue from the photo shoot. Three bridesmaids, a flower girl, and I, in my full wedding dress, had to fit in the back of the 1997 Toyota Camry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 676

You deserved it 397

By sassy666 - 23/04/2018 19:00 - Canada - Whitehorse

Today, I checked my e-mail after being sick for over a week to see that I missed an important email. It said I got the job I applied for, if I responded to the message within 48 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 509

You deserved it 1 963

Inspirational

By wetsheets - 07/01/2013 13:01 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Spicy

Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making me orgasm with a full bladder, therefore intensifying the experience. He was right, it was mind blowing. It also made me piss the bed for the first time in twenty-odd years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 075

You deserved it 7 704

By Oreo - 10/05/2016 08:58

Today, my dad and stepmom came back from a very expensive two-month trip across the world. When they got home, they had more gifts for their cat than for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 604

You deserved it 1 964

By Anonymous - 12/07/2018 15:00 - India

Today, I missed the bus. I ran to the metro station in 45°C heat, slipped on dog shit, and fell face-first onto a staircase, breaking my glasses and front left tooth. As I tried to get up, my bag got stuck on the railing and tore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 758

You deserved it 316

By Anonymous - 29/04/2016 17:11 - United States - Ames

Today, the highlight of my whole month was finally being able to take a solid crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 473

You deserved it 1 785

By tellyc - 26/04/2016 02:36 - Canada - Campbell River

Today, once again someone pointed out how much my brother and boyfriend look alike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 536

You deserved it 2 676

tellyc tells us more.

tellyc 27

Tuesday 26 April 2016 21:54

Hi guys! This is my FML. Basically whenever someone new meets my boyfriend or sees my brother they always comment how much they look alike. Recently every time I see my boyfriend from afar I think he's my brother so it freaks me out just a little bit. Glad to hear it's not really uncommon!

By Walmart Associate - 27/08/2018 03:30

Today, I was accused of being a "racist whore" at work. I'd only asked a man if he needed help finding anything, as that is part of my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 624

You deserved it 178

Awkward...

By Ohnowhy - 09/09/2018 18:30

Today, I moved in with my friend and her husband so we can be roommates during school. Today is also the day they decided to get a divorce. It's going to be a long year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 027

You deserved it 264

By Anonymous - 17/03/2016 15:34 - United States - Pomona

Today, in court, my client ran his mouth at the judge, cursing him out and then trying to lecture him on "freedom of speech" when he was found in contempt. I don't know what it is with these nutjobs, but I wish I'd never become a public defender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 238

You deserved it 2 581

By Anonymous - 13/03/2016 15:00 - United States

Today, I'm going cold turkey with my drinking and smoking habits. I'm so irritable, I seriously considered running down an old lady who was taking her damn sweet time crossing the road, then shooting the guy in the car behind me for honking at me like I was holding everyone up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 637

You deserved it 3 660

Busting makes me feel good

By NotASquirrel - 12/03/2016 05:29 - United States - Bronx

Today, I was using the urinal at work when an old guy started using the one next to mine. All of a sudden, he used that Ghostbusters' line, "Cross the streams!", and tried to pee into my urinal. I had to wait 4 hours in pee-drenched shoes until my shift was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 961

You deserved it 1 299

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The Top

The Top

Today, I got into an accident on my motorcycle. When I told my wife that the doctor said I couldn't have sex for two weeks, she couldn't contain her joy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 066

You deserved it 8 767

Today, I noticed that my long distance boyfriend of almost four months only calls me to have phone sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 182

You deserved it 17 825

Today, my husband broke a set of dishes, told me I had to clean it all up, and stormed out of the house. It’s now 3:30am and he still hasn’t come home. Our 5 year-old son keeps asking about him. What warranted all this? Asking him how his day went. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 208

You deserved it 146

Today, my wife keeps bitching at me that she hasn’t lost any weight on her liquid diet, even though I’ve told her dozens of times that sticking all her normal large portion meals in a blender isn’t exactly a proper liquid diet, it’s just a very unhealthy soup with lumps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 998

You deserved it 115

Today, after working for 7 hours straight, I sat down for a second to wait for an elevator. My manager told me I wasn't allowed to sit and that I had to get back to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 857

You deserved it 108

Today, my husband is a normal man in his thirties with a receding hairline and a dad bod. So why am I insanely attracted to him and just want to always have sex with him or do things to him? I can't stop myself. I just turn on when I see him and start sucking his cock. He can't keep up and hates it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 194

You deserved it 262