Today, I missed the bus. I ran to the metro station in 45°C heat,...

By Anonymous - 12/7/2018 18:30 - India

Today, I missed the bus. I ran to the metro station in 45°C heat, slipped on dog shit, and fell face-first onto a staircase, breaking my glasses and front left tooth. As I tried to get up, my bag got stuck on the railing and tore. FML

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In my day…

Peaky Bladders

By TheDumper - 21/6/2012 10:02 - United States - Chandler

Today, and for the last week, I've resorted to driving myself to the nearest corner store to take my daily dump. I'm doing this because I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid he'll be disgusted at how often I clog the toilet. FML

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By secretpornstar - 13/6/2011 19:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out the reason my boyfriend had been encouraging me to send him 'personal' videos was so he could sell them online to porn websites. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2012 15:01 - United States

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

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By Anon - 30/1/2009 11:39 - Canada

Today, I was on a date with this girl. I attempted to put my arm around her, but I elbowed her in the face instead. FML

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By mags - 16/2/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, I told my dad I was leaving to get some beauty sleep. He looked at me laughing and said "See you in a decade." FML

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By fmylifechelsea - 27/4/2009 19:41 - Canada

Today, I was taking my boyfriend to meet my grandparents. They live on the 27th floor. Alone in the elevator we started making out. Turns out that theres a camera in the elevator, connected to every apartment. My grandma asked me how it was. FML

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By mommiedearest - 24/12/2015 16:06 - United States - Columbia

Today, I found a disturbing video on my 8-year-old's tablet. In the video, I was suffering from sleep paralysis. He's convinced I'm part demon. FML

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By - 1/1/2009 03:49 - France

Today, I went onto my computer and found a cyber sex conversation between my sister and my girlfriend. FML

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By good job bf - 11/1/2013 04:06 - United States - Southampton

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me at my grandma's funeral. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2012 00:37 - United States - San Angelo

Today, after months of believing my house is haunted, and years of being scared of the dark, I finally had to admit to myself that the only way I can go to the bathroom in the middle of the night is if my cat follows me and sits outside the door. I'm 23. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I had an asthma attack. I grabbed my inhaler and found peanut butter on it. I'm extremely allergic to peanuts. FML

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By kprince - 8/5/2013 14:00 - United States - Northridge

Today, I was singing horribly in the shower. Without me knowing, my sister recorded my singing and set it as my ringtone. My phone rang in class and everyone heard it. My new nickname is American Idol. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2018 15:00

Charming...

Today, my toddler is starting to realize when she has a dirty diaper. How do I know? She walked up to me with a shit covered hand, saying "Poop Mommy! Poop!!" FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2013 21:41 - United States - Romulus

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend, who's already made two threats against my life, informed me that she now has a concealed carry permit. FML

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By lizard - 24/1/2009 19:47 - Canada

Today, my dad walked in to the arena where I was watching a hockey game with my boyfriend and his friends. My dad was wearing a crazy grey mohawk wig/hat. Meanwhile, my boyfriend just finished telling me how embarassing it would be to be that guy's kid. FML

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By lukas - 11/1/2014 00:24 - Canada - Lyndhurst

Today, my new neighbor asked if I could keep my dog from yapping during the evenings, because it kept him awake last night. I don't have a dog, but I apologized anyway. I didn't have the heart to admit that those are the sounds my girlfriend makes during sex. FML

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By hopeless - 8/4/2011 15:03

Today, is my birthday. Everyone forgot except my stalker. He rang the door bell the second it turned 12:00. FML

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By zuzu - 1/5/2019 14:00

Today, as I was making biscuits my mom joked, "Don't burn the house down." I told her "Don't worry, I know how to make biscuits." The oven caught fire. FML

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By creepyguy - 26/12/2009 12:06 - Australia

Today, I noticed a girl looking at me on the train. Playing it cool, I decided to give her a smile and see what would happen. It came out as a creepy, seedy grin, prompting her to call security. FML

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By HannahBretts - 24/8/2013 05:28 - United States - Turlock

Today, I'm watching a TV show about horrible germs in hotel rooms that you can catch from a bed... while I am stuck in a hotel room... on the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2016 00:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while babysitting a young girl, I put on the movie Bambi, as she told me it was her favorite movie. I didn't know that her parents always skipped the scene where Bambi's mom dies. Despite my attempts to comfort her, she was still upset when her parents returned. Her mom blamed me. FML

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By bigmouth - 14/3/2009 08:43 - United States

Today, I met a really nice couple at a bar. We talked and the conversation eventually drifted towards online dating. I casually commented that hooking up through the internet was sad and pathetic. Turns out they met on Myspace. FML

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By Rachel - 18/5/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, I was planning on meeting my friend at the mall. She came late, and I was in the dressing room trying on a few things. When I came out to meet her, she looked at me oddly and said, "You shouldn't buy that, it looks terrible on you." Those were the clothes I came in. FML

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By wheel 4 - 1/12/2017 05:00

Today, I went out with my best friend, his girlfriend, and a girl they've been wanting to introduce to me. I thought they wanted to set us up, but it turns out they're a throuple and wanted me to be the first to know. I think I'm the first fourth wheel in history. FML

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By pinkXpress1023 - 8/7/2013 18:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I had the opportunity to taste a live spider by walking into its web in the dark. FML

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By ugh - 24/5/2015 19:53 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I realized that my relationship has hit a new low when I made an appointment with my girlfriend to have sex. I have a two week wait. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2015 12:21 - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I was sick, and my voice was really low and raspy. A cute guy smiled at me and said hi, so I said hi too. He looked shocked and said, "Sorry bro, thought you were a girl." I am. FML

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By bad karma - 21/11/2011 14:34 - United States

Today, I was so hungry that I literally stole candy from a baby. FML

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By GM38 - 23/6/2012 02:57 - United States - Melbourne

Today, I divorced my husband of 20 years. The only positive thing about my day was my pregnancy test. Yes, it was his. FML

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By shibs - 19/12/2015 14:30 - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I spent the only money I had left for lunch only to take two bites before a seagull snatched my burger from my hands. I had to shamefully start walking back to work with a pair of girls laughing at me and an empty stomach. FML

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By emasculated 10000% - 4/5/2013 17:05 - Sweden - Ljungby

Today, I was out with my grandma when a pair of very shady guys approached us in the street, hands in their pockets. Without breaking stride, she pulled a knife out of her handbag and told them they'd better keep walking. They did. What the fuck, gran? FML

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By wellthisisawkward80 - 6/11/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I was attending my bachelor party. I watched a very attractive young girl dancing on a pole, giving me a seductive look. As she walked up to me, I realized it was my soon-to-be wife's younger sister. FML

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By speechless - 1/6/2013 00:50 - United Kingdom - Wallasey

Today, at the supermarket, an old lady asked for directions to the produce aisle. Having read way too many stories lately on this very site about awful elderly folks, I was wary, but helped her out. She gave me an awkward hug in thanks, lifting my wallet in the process, as I later found out. FML

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By seriously - 17/12/2014 13:33 - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I decided to splurge and get valet parking at a fancy restaurant. I got out of the car and gave the man my keys and watched as he slowly backed my car into another car. FML

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By FueledByFate - 4/2/2016 04:59 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I went to the doctor after being sick for weeks. I found out that I had bronchitis that then progressed to pneumonia. My girlfriend is hearing impaired, and when I can finally get words to come out when I speak, she can't understand them. I'm not sure who I feel more sorry for. FML

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By wtf - 3/2/2009 03:28 - United States

Today, I stuffed my buttcrack with toilet paper right before my job interview because I tend to sweat there a lot and was wearing a white skirt. I went to the bathroom afterward to take it out but it wasn't there anymore. It could have only gone up two places. FML

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By dragonstooth257 - 20/8/2018 15:00

Today, I confessed to my husband that I quoted Lightning McQueen in an interview and got my dream job because of it. He wont stop laughing and telling my friends. I'm never going to live this down. FML

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By dogdays - 10/11/2014 01:12 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I left my dog alone while I went to work, like usual. He usually hangs out in the big bay window that faces the street. Today he decided to steal my vibrator and chew it while sitting in the window. I can only imagine how many people walked by and saw it. FML

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By schellbytheseashore - 21/2/2009 07:30 - United States

Today, during a text conversation with a girl I've been trying to get with, she complained about how crummy of a day she was having. I told her it couldn't be as bad as she thought, and she would probably get it over it soon. Then she told me she had found out her cousin had been murdered. FML

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By OutOfLuck - 17/9/2009 17:32 - United States

Today, my professor informed me that if I didn't "show more commitment" to my choral ensemble he would give my spot to a "more interested young woman." I missed class to see my neurologist. Apparently my seizures are a symptom of lack of commitment. FML

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Top comments

By ChromoTec | 24

#7655964 - Monday 2 July 2018 17:34

6 FMLs in one, I hope it worked out okay.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7660282 - Thursday 12 July 2018 15:12

I’m wondering if the consequences you would have suffered from taking your time and showing up late were worse than all the shit you’ve been through...including the literal shit.

COMMENTS

By ChromoTec | 24

#7655964 - Monday 2 July 2018 17:34

6 FMLs in one, I hope it worked out okay.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7660282 - Thursday 12 July 2018 15:12

I’m wondering if the consequences you would have suffered from taking your time and showing up late were worse than all the shit you’ve been through...including the literal shit.

By blightsight | 10

#7660290 - Thursday 12 July 2018 15:35

Where is it 113°F? Unless you're exaggerating

RichardPencil | 28

#7660311 - Thursday 12 July 2018 16:13

Do you not see that the OP is from India? In India in July, 113F is certainly possible.

SWalks | 4

#7660354 - Thursday 12 July 2018 17:53

it gets like that in canada aswell not just middle east. you must just live in a cold area bud

By Davros | 12

#7660362 - Thursday 12 July 2018 18:06

In that kind of heat I thought the shit would dry up quickly. I guess it just melts like chocolate.

By tranced_ | 44

#7660379 - Thursday 12 July 2018 18:33

Get schwifty in heeeree 😝💩👀🚶🏃

By real life problems | 26

#7660405 - Thursday 12 July 2018 19:45

I know a great dentist that will fix that tooth, and throw in a root canal or two

By Megan Utley | 8

#7660406 - Thursday 12 July 2018 19:52

Go home and try again tomorrow

By openawhole00 | 6

#7660410 - Thursday 12 July 2018 20:02

Are you the same person who fell in horse shit and broke their ankle on the farm?

By Charlie Given | 22

#7660412 - Thursday 12 July 2018 20:02

DAMN!!!! sorry that's all I can say

By chubbear | 14

#7660455 - Thursday 12 July 2018 21:05

Well, like my grandma likes to say, if you're going to do it, do it right! Or something to that degree. I'm sorry it all kinda dominoed like that, OP.