Today, I missed the bus. I ran to the metro station in 45°C heat,...

By Anonymous - India

Today, I missed the bus. I ran to the metro station in 45°C heat, slipped on dog shit, and fell face-first onto a staircase, breaking my glasses and front left tooth. As I tried to get up, my bag got stuck on the railing and tore. FML

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Health

Transportation

Walk on the wild side

The View

Misheard

By hopelesss88 - Australia

Today, I had a first date planned. He texted saying he was sick and couldn't make it. Two hours later his twitter account said otherwise. FML

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By aligator1009 - United States

Today, I went to the beach. While I was enjoying the sun, an old man with prosthetic leg and no clothes on sat next to me. He took off his fake leg and put it behind his head. Then he opened his legs revealing his "stuff." I will never unsee this. Ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 23:01

You've got some explaining to do

Today, my boyfriend accidentally synced his contacts to my phone. I'm not sure who I want to message first, "Amber (Big Ass)", "Kayla (Baby Girl)", or one of the other 64 with similar descriptions in parentheses. FML

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By Carmen - 9/3/2020 15:00

That Monday morning feeling

Today, I couldn't sleep because a group of drunken guys decided to stay out all night singing Disney songs. They had loudspeakers too. FML

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By BrandNewKadillak - United States

Today, I was at my 3 year-old niece's birthday party. I was swinging on their swing set when she walked directly into my path. I tried to jump off the swing, but I could not stop myself in time. I ended up kicking her in the face and giving her a black eye. Happy birthday! FML

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By 1942ford - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I called an airline to try to locate a bag I left on a flight. When I told the phone rep which airport I flew into, he asked me what city it was in. He paused after I told him, then asked me what state Seattle is in. I don't think I'll be getting my bag back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was extremely constipated. This is a side effect of the medication I take to alleviate my stomach condition. Due to this same condition I can't eat much roughage. We have no laxatives or stool softeners, and I have been shitting bricks for three days. FML

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By LadyDeadpool88 - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I'm a little over a month pregnant. My fiancé has decided that if we both act like I'm not pregnant, "the baby will get the hint and go away". FML

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By ckatia - France - Paris

Today, my eyesight is getting terrible. I saw a white cat in front of my house, so I went up to it. To my delight it didn’t move, so I bent down to stroke it. Wrong call, it was a plastic bag. FML

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By OpenSesame - 9/5/2020 05:00

Portal

Today, at Walmart, I unknowingly chose the only non-automatic door to exit through. I stood in front of the door looking for the motion sensor while the greeters laughed at me for at least half a minute before I saw the "PUSH" sticker. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lazily answered the door in my pajamas. It was my elderly neighbor asking to borrow a can opener. Despite the strange and unwarranted scowl she was giving me I obliged. It wasn't until after she had left that I notice my penis was completely sticking out through the flap in my pants. FML

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By bronieswillrule5eva - Canada - Summerside

Today, I overheard my boss and a co-worker talking about me. Apparently when I speak, I slur my words so badly that it sounds like I'm speaking in tongues. According to my boss, "he could be possessed by a demon right now, and we'd never even notice." FML

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By bobra

Helter Skelter

Today, I decided to face my fears and go on my first upside-down ride. Unfortunately for me, the two men in front of me had chosen to eat before the ride and I walked off with bits of strawberry and bacon in my hair, my clothes drenched in whitish fluid, not to mention the stench. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Swindon

Arse!

Today, I was watching TV with my grandma. She was looking for the remote, blindly trying to put her hand into the sofa. Instead, she shoved her hand down the back of my pants. FML

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By PublicToiletEspionage - United Kingdom

Today, I was desperate for a pee so I used some public toilets which were full of obviously underage girls drinking. I didn't think anything of it until halfway through my business when I looked up to see two of them leaning over the top of the stall taking pictures with a mobile phone. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, I was in bed, thinking about my crush and playing with myself, when I remembered the complicated spreadsheet my boss asked me to make tomorrow. That got me more excited than the thought of my crush. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I have been trying to buy a house and start a family together. Now I find out that he just spent $5000 on comic books. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran out of breath while mowing the lawn. I was on a riding lawn mower. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Kick the bum out, part 2

Today, my fiancé thinks that the only reason I innocently asked him how soon he wants to have kids after we get married is that he thinks I'm racing to beat a friend or family member. Now I can't even be excited about starting a family with this man without having ulterior motives. FML

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By Sir Smokalot - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting his parents. When we got there, I hugged his mother, and she glared at me. Later that day, I heard her telling her son that he should leave me because I smell like cigarettes, and she hates smokers. I don't smoke, my boyfriend does. He did all the way there. FML

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By GreenScar - United States

Today, my brother's new girlfriend, who is blind, asked to feel my face so she could tell what I look like. She said I was "unique". A blind chick just told me I was ugly. FML

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By doubleCoupon - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend excitedly told me about the number of guys who are romantically interested in her. I realized how pathetic my life is when all I could talk about in turn was the number of coupons I got to use today at the store. FML

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By AlwaysTired - United States

Today, marks the third time this month my parents came to visit. I moved 5 hours away to get away from them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a lady came into my workplace to pay her $120 bill in one dollar bills. I kept losing count. FML

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By Hollerz90 - 2/4/2020 23:00

Red Right Hand

Today, I came home to find my dad in my room, watching porn on my computer. When I asked him what he was doing, he closed the computer, stood up, stared at me awkwardly and then said, "You should really avoid those sites" and left my room. FML

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By KenzoBVB - Canada

Today, I went to the orthodontist, and found out when I was supposed to get my braces off. His exact words, "You'll get them off around Christmas... but we're not sure what year." FML

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By cperagui

Today, we did icebreakers at a summer program. I'm really awkward but I got paired with a really nice guy. I noticed his right hand was very soft, so I joked, "Do you only moisturize one hand?" Then I understood. Then he understood that I understood. We're partners all week. FML

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By nocanhaz - United States

Today, I went to a job interview. The person giving me my interview was late, and while waiting for them I fell asleep. When they arrived, they didn't even bother interviewing me because they thought I was irresponsible since I fell asleep because they were late. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, being too poor to buy makeup, I walked into Macy's and "tested" some products out, just so I could look nice for my job interview. FML

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By unlucky - United Kingdom

Today, I failed my driving test. The examiner insisted I that didn't check a junction before pulling out. I did, he just didn't notice because he was too busy staring at my chest. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my job because I was doing my work too quickly, getting too much done and the supervisor was afraid I was bored. I have only been here for 3 weeks and already had the best stats on the team. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2020 02:00 - United States - Bronx

More faces than Khloé Kardashian

Today, my mom told me she'd scheduled me for a cleaning with my hometown dentist. When I reminded her that, according to my university's COVID guidelines, students shouldn't leave the county unless there's an emergency, she threw a hissy fit and told me I'm being "combative" and "looking for an excuse to fight." FML

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By whyme - United States - Tampa

Today, I was standing in line at the grocery store waiting for my husband. After a while, I feel him kissing my neck, so I turn to tell him that it's not appropriate in public. It wasn't my husband. FML

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By FML - Puerto Rico - Cayey

Today, my dad came home drunk off his ass. So drunk that he couldn't manage to open the refrigerator, and ended up punching it in a fit of rage. When I tried to calm him down and get him to bed, he told me to fuck off, and grounded me. FML

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By Michaelichael - United States

Today, I was mowing the lawn of my brand new house, located in a very nice neighborhood (I am a hispanic male), and a lady in her nice white cadillac drove up and asked me, in extremely broken spanish, if I could mow her lawn too. FML

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By teapotrevolt - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, while laughing at a jogger that fell down while running, I choked on my French fries. They had to give me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the zoo with my boyfriend, he pointed at the howling gorillas and shouted over to me: "Hah! That's what you sound like in bed!" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was watching the show "Sixteen and Pregnant". I started bawling when the girl's dirtbag boyfriend proposed to her with a $20 ring he bought from Walmart because I was so lonely and was jealous of her "romantic relationship". FML

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By bored - United States

Today, I've now worked on Thanksgiving, Black Friday, the weekend after that, and two days this week. My husband and son have had all that time off, and yet I've still ended up having to clean the dishes and the house after them on all of these days. FML

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By 909 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to Lidl to buy the cheapest jaffa cakes I could. They cost 35p. When I was eating them later on I put the plastic wrapper onto the side. When I'd finished eating my jaffa cakes I went to pick up the wrapper... The dog had eaten it. Cost me a £150 vet bill. Most expensive jaffas I've ever had. FML

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Top comments

By ChromoTec | 24

#7655964 - Monday 2 July 2018 17:34

6 FMLs in one, I hope it worked out okay.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7660282 - Thursday 12 July 2018 15:12

I’m wondering if the consequences you would have suffered from taking your time and showing up late were worse than all the shit you’ve been through...including the literal shit.

COMMENTS

By ChromoTec | 24

#7655964 - Monday 2 July 2018 17:34

6 FMLs in one, I hope it worked out okay.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7660282 - Thursday 12 July 2018 15:12

I’m wondering if the consequences you would have suffered from taking your time and showing up late were worse than all the shit you’ve been through...including the literal shit.

By blightsight | 10

#7660290 - Thursday 12 July 2018 15:35

Where is it 113°F? Unless you're exaggerating

RichardPencil | 28

#7660311 - Thursday 12 July 2018 16:13

Do you not see that the OP is from India? In India in July, 113F is certainly possible.

SWalks | 4

#7660354 - Thursday 12 July 2018 17:53

it gets like that in canada aswell not just middle east. you must just live in a cold area bud

By Davros | 12

#7660362 - Thursday 12 July 2018 18:06

In that kind of heat I thought the shit would dry up quickly. I guess it just melts like chocolate.

By tranced_ | 44

#7660379 - Thursday 12 July 2018 18:33

Get schwifty in heeeree 😝💩👀🚶🏃

By real life problems | 26

#7660405 - Thursday 12 July 2018 19:45

I know a great dentist that will fix that tooth, and throw in a root canal or two

By Megan Utley | 8

#7660406 - Thursday 12 July 2018 19:52

Go home and try again tomorrow

By openawhole00 | 6

#7660410 - Thursday 12 July 2018 20:02

Are you the same person who fell in horse shit and broke their ankle on the farm?

By Charlie Given | 23

#7660412 - Thursday 12 July 2018 20:02

DAMN!!!! sorry that's all I can say

By chubbear | 14

#7660455 - Thursday 12 July 2018 21:05

Well, like my grandma likes to say, if you're going to do it, do it right! Or something to that degree. I'm sorry it all kinda dominoed like that, OP.