The Top

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By Calimero0 - 05/12/2017 01:30

Today, I felt so unwell that I didn't fall asleep until 4 AM. The baby woke up at 5, ready to start the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 306

You deserved it 593

Dad jokes

By phoenix101 - 16/05/2011 05:40

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 043

You deserved it 67 273

Hog on hog action

By auscop - 17/09/2009 10:57 - Australia

Today, I pulled someone over for speeding. He was only 10 over the speed limit so I gave him an $84 fine. It turns out he is a workplace Occupational Health and Safety officer and because I wasn't wearing my high visibilty vest while standing on the side of the road he gave me a $250 fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 684

You deserved it 86 069

By terribob1 - 08/07/2016 14:52

Today, I was terminated from my job. This comes after I sent HR an email about an inappropriate relationship between my manager and a counselor. Seems like I should have kept my mouth shut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 565

You deserved it 4 522

Cheater

By Anonymous - 04/11/2019 22:15

Today, as I was finalizing my divorce with my soon to be ex-wife, she thought it would be a good idea to bring our two children to the divorce court. Before custody was put in place my ex-wife gave them both a piece of candy and promised them a trip to Disneyland they chose her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 767

You deserved it 241

By ugh - 04/07/2016 17:26 - United States - Milford

Today, my dad had a midlife crisis in the grocery store over his football career in high school. So he decided pelting me with vegetables and fruits would be a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 466

You deserved it 1 130

By Anonymous - 02/07/2016 19:29 - United States - Greeley

Today, I got threatened with a gun at the drive-thru, all because my coworker forgot to include extra fries in the guy's order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 181

You deserved it 1 615

By ohmygoodness - 02/03/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's place with grumbling stomach pains. I left him in bed to go have explosive diarrhea in the bathroom next to his room. When I was done, I came back to bed and snuggled in next to his sleeping body. He rolled over to whisper, "I heard everything." FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 767

You deserved it 17 300

The best method!

By Anonymous - 04/01/2020 18:00

Spicy

Today, while discussing having sex for the first time with my boyfriend, I asked what method of birth control we should use. He replied, "Anal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 038

You deserved it 981

By Anonymous - 01/06/2016 11:05 - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, I've been chronically constipated so long that I was actually grateful for the sudden blast of diarrhea that ruined my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 540

You deserved it 871

By FFAce - 16/06/2018 19:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got slapped by a woman standing in front of me in line after a little kid grabbed her butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 532

You deserved it 219

Whatcha doin'?

By ImilkedYourMom - 03/05/2016 13:31 - United States - Bronx

Spicy

Today, after a 14-mile bike tour in Chicago, I got rug burn on my inner thighs. Having the hostel room all by myself for the last couple of days, I got naked and let the air conditioner cool me off. I then had to explain to my roommate that walked in on me that I seriously was not jerking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 616

You deserved it 2 154

By you+me-clothes=53>< - 19/11/2013 17:13 - Austria - Vienna

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend went down on me. I don't know why, but my mind wandered. He now thinks that he has the skills of a porn star, while I'm pretty sure that finally solving a mathematical problem I've been working on for a week caused me to orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 125

You deserved it 9 069

By disappointmentafter4years - 12/04/2016 19:31 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, after 4 years of staring each other down at the bar, we both finally made a move and ended up at his apartment. After 45 mins of unsuccessfully getting anywhere, I left, to walk home in a hail storm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 363

You deserved it 3 753

By Anonymous - 08/04/2016 21:01 - United States - East Orange

Spicy

Today, I asked a customer for a number we could call her at to let her know when we'd finished fixing her PC. I'm so desperately lonely that when she wrote it down for me, I got a raging boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 509

You deserved it 5 548

Healthy relationship

By scared - 24/06/2020 23:02

Today, I yelled at my girlfriend for something trivial. Instead of yelling back, she was scarily calm and said, "Remember, I’ve got 50 lbs on you. Yell at me again and I’ll lay a pillow on your face and sit on it until you’re dead." I think she might mean it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 783

You deserved it 2 614

By Shotacon - 07/04/2016 03:06 - United States - Woodbury

Today, while using the leg press at the gym, some guy thought he could use more weight than me since I look really young. He hurt himself. He then blamed me and tried to get me kicked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 162

You deserved it 1 318

All weddings are themed

By Anonymous - 01/07/2020 20:08

Today, I went to pick up my wedding dress from the seamstress, only to find out that my fiancé called two weeks ago to say I wanted the dress "tie-dyed to match our new theme." She believed him. Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 001

You deserved it 240

By Nosexever? - 25/10/2018 13:30

Spicy

Today, my husband started a new job as an OTR truck driver. He was assigned one week of home time each month, which happens to be the same exact week my period comes every month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 211

You deserved it 270

Nice to know

By Sarah - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss mistakenly drunk-texted me and was talking shit about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 220

You deserved it 1 807

Bad women's anatomy

By bucollegegirl - 08/10/2012 14:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he said that I should go to the bathroom so we don't end up pregnant. When I asked why, he said that I need to "pee out the semen." I explained to him 5 times that I don't pee out of my vagina. He still doesn't get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 820

You deserved it 6 580

By duncan74 - 10/12/2014 03:23 - France - Balma

Today, my cats found a new game to play. They each sit on either side of the cat flap, and take turns hitting it. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. At 3 am. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 928

You deserved it 4 269

By Anonymous - 20/06/2009 11:13 - Switzerland

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with a girl. Things were getting pretty hot, so I decided to smack her butt. I missed. I smacked my balls instead. Real hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 816

You deserved it 97 775

Getting freaky

By KindStranger - 04/01/2020 20:00 - United Kingdom - Shrewsbury

Spicy

Today, I was walking home when I thought I saw a man beating up a woman in a phone box, I opened the door and pulled the man off the woman, turns out they were just "getting frisky" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 064

You deserved it 565

By anonymous - 23/01/2016 01:56 - United States - Indiana

Today, my boyfriend picked his nose and tried to stick his booger up my nose, claiming that it was time to plant his "seed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 507

You deserved it 2 914

By hahagirl - 12/09/2012 05:40 - United Kingdom

Today, my cousin suddenly confided in me that he had tried to commit suicide by overdosing when he was 17. Shocked and not knowing how to respond, I blurted out, "Did it work?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 458

You deserved it 34 899

By demideity - 08/12/2015 06:30 - Canada - New Westminster

Today, I went to get minor surgery done. I have anxiety and a phobia of needles, so they gave me laughing gas. It gave me a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 493

You deserved it 2 456

demideity tells us more.

demideity 13

Tuesday 12 January 2016 21:14

OP here. I couldn't post for the longest time as I was having a problem authenticating my account. Anyways, I looked up the symptoms for anxiety vs panic attack. While I have general anxiety, I do indeed get panic attacks as well. My symptoms mostly match up with a panic attack.

By fabz - 27/11/2015 12:39 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boss confirmed he is a micro-managing asshole. We walked into the office together and I turned on the lights. He switched them off and switched them on again, just to make sure that I did it right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 075

You deserved it 1 676

Sounds reasonable

By Stoodup - 26/03/2019 12:00

Spicy

Today, I spent an hour getting ready for my first date of the year, only to wait 30 minutes in the cold and then walking back home by myself. Why didn’t he show up? On his way to our date, he got invited to a threesome and decided to do that instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 592

You deserved it 262

By LaFrancesa - 08/07/2013 03:28 - Mexico - Chihuahua

Spicy

Today, as an overprotective mother, I asked my 19 year-old son, who was going to spend his day on the beach, if he’d taken any protection with him. He pulled out a box of condoms, beaming with pride. I was talking about suntan lotion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 721

You deserved it 197

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The Top

Today, my husband and I were talking about possibly having a threesome. In his words, choosing a woman would be "a fun new experience for us to enjoy together." But choosing a man would be "forcing me to watch you cheat, and pretend that I'm okay with it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 610

You deserved it 236

Today, I got a letter in the mail about my periodic health assessment for active duty soldiers. I came back positive for two curable STD's that are extremely common on Fort Polk. I haven't had sex with anyone but my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 640

You deserved it 4 098

Random

Today, the only card I got for Valentine's Day was in my mother's handwriting, and she posted it through the front door herself. She still won't admit it's from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 597

You deserved it 2 801

Today, my drunk mother got into a fight with the lady at Krystal burger. Why? "Because the bitch said they aren't making special orders." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 949

You deserved it 2 610

Today, I tripped and fell on my open dishwasher, right onto a carving knife. I'm mostly ok, except that my nipple has been sliced neatly in half. Seriously, the two halves keep flapping open like a little mouth. It would be funnier if it wasn't so painful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 914

You deserved it 632

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be wise to joke that we needed to postpone our reunion for another week. We haven't seen each other for almost 4 months, due to events out of our control. He thinks he's funny. He'll get punched when we do see each other again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 767

You deserved it 1 238

Today, I took my car through the automated wash. I was too close to swipe my card, so the attendant reached for it and somewhere between our hands, the card fell into the grate and down a small crack 10ft into nasty water. The whole car wash was shut down to pull the massive grate up. It took about 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 120

You deserved it 165

Today, some of my buddies were playing truth or dare. As I got to the group, one guy was dared to ding dong ditch. He did so, and the owner of the house let his big ol' dog out to chase us. It only ran after me the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 120

You deserved it 579