Health: Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came...

By PiZzA_FaCe - United States

Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came up to me telling me he wanted to eat my face. Confused, I asked him why. He said, "Because your face looks like pizza." FML

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Health

BO Central

Instadrama

Fairytale ending

By siighh - Australia

Today, my dad came home from work complaining about all the people he'd seen. He said he doesn't understand why so many people with problems have to confide in him. He's a psychologist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "the Fuckinator." FML

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By Aunjy - United States - Marmora

Today, I babysat a 4-year-old child for my neighbor. It seems he had diarrhea. The evidence of this is in his pants, down his leg, on the couch, on the bathroom floor, smeared on my wall, and in the shape of a brown handprint on my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 08:01 - Europe

Do not want

Today, I had a chat with a one-night stand and she's decided to keep the child. My life is basically over. FML

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By daughter - United States - Kailua

Today, since I'm still recovering from my surgery and can't drive, my daughter drove me to the doctor. When I was done and walked outside, she was nowhere to be seen. Then I got a text: "Sorry, I forgot I have to be somewhere." The closest bus stop to our house is miles away. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband hooked up with his classmate in the school I talked him into going to. I helped him pass classes to get there. FML

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By Distraught - Reserved

Today, the day before I was going to move in with my army fiancé, he was told he would be deployed very soon. I can't pay for the apartment without him, and now have to move back in with my parents until he returns from active duty. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after months of planning and saving for our honeymoon in Italy, my wife and I were turned away at the airport because my passport only has a month until it expires, even though it's only a five-day trip. FML

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By Kurt's Dad

Today, during my grandmother's funeral, my talented ten-year-old son found the church organ and began playing Smells Like Teen Spirit. FML

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By brittaneejanex - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my curious cat jumped in. She decided she really doesn't like showers and to avoid getting wet, used my naked body as a makeshift tree. FML

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By smelly asses - 17/9/2020 07:50

Skidmarks

Today, my husband and my daughter engaged in a fart war. Guess who go to do a pile of shitty laundry, while the other texted his friends about the “hilarious” incident? FML

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By thirdwheel - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend pays my boyfriend to this day to take me out. FML

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By FailMan - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend, when she walked ahead of me cat-walk style, turned around and said, "Do you think I could model?" I blurted out, "Yes... for a plus-size clothing line." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking at the annoucements in the newspaper and find out that my boyfriend of the past 6 years is supposed to be married in 2 days to what I thought was his ex-girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Belleville

Today, I came home from the minimum-wage job I suffer through to support my now ex-boyfriend's ailing music career. It seems his time management skills suck almost as badly as his music, because I found him in my bedroom, licking whipped cream off my step-sister. FML

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By StudMuffinette - United States

Today, I was at work when someone came in asking me to brush their pet shih tzu. After an hour of vigorously grooming through the multiple knots, I called the owner to collect their dog. When she got here she said, "Oh, did I say brush? I meant shave." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hartford

Today, my girlfriend started bitching me out about how public proposals are unfair and how they pressure a girl to say yes. All I did was get on my knee to tie a loose shoelace. FML

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By Gretchen

Today, I went to see my banker. As we were finishing everything up, I leaned forward to sign something. As I went back to sit down, my 2 year old pulled the chair out from under me, and I crashed down to the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I should be spending my birthday with my boyfriend of 8 months. Instead he's visiting his ex, who's pregnant with a baby that "may or may not be" his. FML.

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By Anonymous - United States - Glen Allen

Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find no toilet paper and a piece of shitty wallpaper in the bowl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hollywood

Today, I joined a local interest website, hoping to make some friends in my area. I don't think I've ever met so many guys before who introduce themselves with pictures of their cocks. FML

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By loveloves154

Today, our toilet overflowed during the night. Over 50 gallons worth leaked through the floor and the ceiling to the room below. I am now covered in poop water. What a way to start the day. FML

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By Peaches - United States - Tucker

Today, I was informed that I was let go from my job for not showing up for a week. A week I'd scheduled off, that management had approved. FML

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By Jacquelinez - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went mini golfing with his family. We had a competition going on, and when I managed to get two consecutive holes in one, he started seething and muttered that I'm dangerously close to becoming single. FML

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By monkeylover996 - United States

Today, I had my 7 month check up for my pregnancy. The nurse weighed me and said, "I see you've gotten into the Halloween candy." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 23:00

Dream baby dream

Today, I woke up to my father sobbing his eyes out in the kitchen. Apparently, I screamed, "DON'T TELL THEM I'M PREGNANT!" in my sleep last night. FML

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By drinkdrankdrunk - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML

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By dangyo - United States

Today, my dad learned how to use the parental controls. I now have an 11 o'clock curfew. I am 17. FML

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By Soggy Sophia - United Kingdom - Bristol

Welcome back

Today, I went for my daily post-op doctor's appointment, where I was told I can resume normal activities. Which was handy when I came home to half-an-inch of water throughout my apartment, due to my washing machine drainage pipe coming undone while I was gone. FML

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By yournick - Canada

Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML

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By Ellie - United States - Mission

Today, I dreamt that I beat someone up for using Comic Sans in a project. Now I can't look at him without being irrationally angry. FML

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By Maryann - 19/3/2021 05:01

Word of the day

Today, my four year-old daughter asked me what the word “necrophilia” means. I have no idea where she even heard that. FML

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By Colleen Nichols - United States - Piscataway

Today, I ran into a former co-worker who I hadn't seen in years. She was raving at how I hadn't aged a bit, but before I could thank her she said, "But, you know, chubby people age better." FML

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By paid to scoop ice cream not nana-sit - United States - Fall River

Today, I was working when my boss left briefly, leaving me with her elderly, senile mother. Not only did I have to chase her when she ran after a stranger on the road, I turned my back for 5 seconds to do my actual job and she walked off. When my boss returned, I had to tell her I lost her mother. FML

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By Burden - 12/3/2021 06:31 - India

Supportive

Today, once again, my mom ranted about how she sacrificed so much for me by moving to a better city. I said it was for my education and to stop making me feel like a burden. She scoffed, "Right, you never should've been born. My mistake." FML

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By NoHamForMeThanks - United States - Oak Ridge

Today, I was told that I need to learn to "let things go" by a woman who held a four-month grudge over a ham sandwich. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to find a huge zit directly between my two eyebrows. My friends have started calling me "The North Star." FML

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By Mike Polk - United States

Today, there was a guy following me, so to avoid him, I crouched down and basically waddled behind a wall to get past him. Sure enough, first thing I see when I get around the corner, while still waddling, was an unhappy midget couple staring right at me. FML

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By OzzyWannabee - France - Issy-les-moulineaux

Today, I tried to overcome my shyness by warmly greeting the bus driver while entering it. I instead blurted out really loudly the words of the song my iPod was playing. FML

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Top comments

By peacelovepugs | 7

#3013067 - Monday 1 August 2011 6:34

acne.

By hk_fml | 9

#243416 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:39

Ohhhh man.
That is so unfortunate.

COMMENTS

By xkonstantine125x | 7

#243403 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:36

LMAO HAHAHAA FYL

danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1050880 - Thursday 1 July 2010 7:16

FAGGG

Revalation | 2

#2962014 - Sunday 24 July 2011 2:54

hehe :)

lexa1love | 16

#4540542 - Friday 8 June 2012 16:20

Damn. I thought he was going to say that he had smoked bath salts.

lincolnkite | 6

#5464213 - Thursday 25 April 2013 8:26

It happened before that lol

By StuckZ | 0

#243414 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:39

He was probably kidding. FYL anyway.

By hk_fml | 9

#243416 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:39

Ohhhh man.
That is so unfortunate.

cutiepie111 | 3

#4036567 - Wednesday 15 February 2012 3:12

WHY ARE YOU RETARTED?

cutiepie111 | 3

#4036585 - Wednesday 15 February 2012 3:17

oops srry, I meant 2 comment on #4

By naroushh | 0

#243420 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:39

HOW CAN YOUR FACE LOOK LIKE A PIZZA ???????/
LOLLLLLL

peacelovepugs | 7

#3013067 - Monday 1 August 2011 6:34

acne.

By baydestrian_girl | 0

#243437 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:42

Dayuumm! That's all bad!

By anglcdvl89 | 0

#243440 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:42

YUMMY!

kayC7 | 0

#1197281 - Friday 6 August 2010 7:45

You shouldn't mentioned it has lots of gooey, melted cheese, too! Mm, mm good.

By tehefyl | 0

#243442 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:42

hahaa that sucks. protip: proactive
kids say the darndest things though
fyl

By uhmfml | 0

#243443 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:42

Is your face just THAT greasy???

By redbluegreen | 40

#243444 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:42

Is he referring to acne? That's the only logical thing I can think of. Or maybe your makeup sucks.

This is funny though.

By ionboy | 0

#243447 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:43

LOL FYL