Health: Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came...

By PiZzA_FaCe - United States

Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came up to me telling me he wanted to eat my face. Confused, I asked him why. He said, "Because your face looks like pizza." FML

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Health

The View

Monetize your shit life

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

By loser - France

Today, I was at a bar and very drunk. I went to the urinal and when I was done I went to zip up when I realized I never unzipped. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was out on a date with a guy. His hot co-worker came to have a beer with us, and I knew my best friend would think he was gorgeous. I wanted to take a picture of him without knowing, so i tried to hold up my phone and pretend to be texting. The flash went off. FML

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By AW

Today, my husband and I are both suffering from food poisoning. He has horrible, raging, rank smelling, explosive diarrhea; I am vomiting every 15 minutes. We have one bathroom. FML

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By meggiemouse - United States

Today, marks the seventh day of having my nose pierced. I'd done everything I was supposed to do, even sleeping with a band-aid over it. This morning, I woke up to my piercing being ripped out by my pillow, and the band-aid nowhere in sight. FML

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By rashree - United States

Today, my long-distance boyfriend told me that he was going to pee on me to "mark his territory." When I told him that it was disgusting, he said, "last time, I just peed on you in the shower." FML

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By sick - United States

Today, I got up and left for work despite being really sick, because I had a big meeting. Halfway to work, in deadlocked traffic, my boss texts me to let me know he's rescheduling the meeting to tomorrow because of personal conflicts. FML

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By badmom - 2/8/2020 02:02

Zoom this, bitches!

Today, my younger son was doing a Zoom meeting for his upcoming school orientation. I tried to hold it in, but I stepped away for a moment to run to the restroom. My older son thought it’d be a hilarious "prank" to moon the camera. School hasn’t even started and we're already the "problem family". FML

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By Hair Fail - United States

Today, I decided I wanted to dye my hair a medium brown. Little did I know, some jerk switched the hair dye boxes. My hair is now bright orange. FML

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By BowTiesAr3Cool - United States - Irving

Today, the kid who who lives next door and shares a bedroom wall with me got a drum set for Christmas. FML

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By PissyPants - United States

Today, I finally got my first kiss. I was so excited, I pissed myself. FML

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By Camm. - United States

Today, I found my car completely vandalized when I came home from work. A paper on the seat read "That's for what you did to Hannah you fuck". Hannah? FML

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By TheCrossingChick - United States

Today, my boss showed us a small picture of his family on his phone. Jokingly, I commented on how the orange shirt he was wearing reminded me of a big pumpkin. He wasn't wearing an orange shirt. His wife was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, my son said his first word. Unfortunately, that word was "cock." I've tried convincing myself that he's trying to say "clock" but I just can't do it. FML

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By SpanishInFrenchClass - United States

Today, I had a presentation in French class. I was so nervous, the first thing I said when I got up there was, "Hola." FML

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By dpimente - 17/12/2020 11:05

With friends like these…

Today, I checked my bank account online and noticed two checks that I didn't write had gone through, so I got copies of them and recognized the handwriting. It was my best friend's. FML

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By poor baby - Germany

Today, my boyfriend forgot to pick our son up from daycare. His excuse? Fighting in a battle in World of Warcraft was far more important and he had to stay absolutely focused. Our son had to wait for two hours. FML

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By workinggirl - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I met at a masquerade. The moment he saw me without my mask on, he left the date. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to pick up my brother and his girlfriend from the bar at 2:00am because they were too drunk to drive themselves and had no money for an Uber. Five minutes into the ride, they started going at it in the back of my new car. I don't think I'll be doing favors again. FML

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By Viciousvixen_21 - United States

Today, I asked my 2 year old son to clean up his toys. When I bent down to give him a good job kiss afterwards, he punched me in the nose. FML

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By lyssanthamum - United States

Today, on the train, I got excited when I suddenly noticed I had a missed call and voicemail from a boy I liked. With a grin on my face, I told my friend. My dad overheard and said, "oh sweetie, he probably had the wrong number." The voicemail was blank. I texted him. The call was an accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 08:01

Traditions suck

Today, I found out the girl who ghosted me a month ago is engaged. Not only is she engaged, but she is in an arranged marriage. And not only is she going to be married, but she still has feelings for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2020 23:00

Family values

Today, I discovered that my very recent ex-fiancé tried to bang his sister-in-law several times while we were still together. The best part? She’s my son's teacher and she waited until we'd broken up to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I was told by my teacher that she had 'given up' teaching me because someone had told her I have a mental illness, and that I don't understand what she says. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bloomington

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because of the scratch marks on my back. I didn't have the nerve to tell her I tried to shower with the cat. FML

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By WartCream - United States - Olathe

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a weird wart-removal ad came on. He watched in disgust as the lady's wart said rude things to her. Then he looked at me and said seriously, "I'm glad yours don't talk..." FML

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By reese - 11/6/2020 05:03

The arrogance of youth

Today, as always, I had to have my dad help me with my computer issues. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was extremely constipated. This is a side effect of the medication I take to alleviate my stomach condition. Due to this same condition I can't eat much roughage. We have no laxatives or stool softeners, and I have been shitting bricks for three days. FML

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By panther of the desert - Puerto Rico - Rio Grande

Today, I was to have an important phone interview for a job. I got a call and everything went perfectly, and they said I was hired. Later, I found out that one of my "friends" had gotten one of his buddies to prank call me and make sure the line was engaged when the real interviewer called. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Exeter

Today, my mom was "that" customer at the local drive-thru. She slipped into attention whore mode and bitched the guy out for not giving us extra fries. He said she didn't ask for any, which was true. Instead of apologizing, she swore at him and floored the gas, sending our drinks spilling all over me. FML

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By tarheels526 - United States

Today, the alarm on my phone went off. I picked it up, hit snooze, and dropped it back on my desk without looking. I woke up an hour later to find that I had dropped it directly in a full glass of water. FML

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By satega - United States - Smithville

Today, I asked my manager if wearing makeup was a requirement for the job. She told me, "Not if you're naturally pretty... So for you, yes". FML

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By StevieMe - Canada

Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML

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By Anonymous

In the zone

Today, I was flirting with a girl I like when she confessed she was into another guy. I then proceeded to wingman for that guy, telling her to take her shot with him before the chance went away. Effectively sticking myself into the friendzone. FML

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By IDontGetPaidEnoughForThisShit - Australia - Hawthorn

Today, on my day off, I received a call from my boss asking why I wasn't at work yet. After getting dressed and an hour-long train ride later, I got there only to find out that it was an April Fool's prank. I had to take the train back home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I proposed to my boyfriend. He said yes, but is now sulking because I took away his "manhood". Jeez, sorry I didn't want to wait another 7 years for you to finally do it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was complaining to my friend how I was doing all the work in my group, and that they were getting all the credit. Her response? "It's OK, you're doing a shitty job anyway." FML

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By - Germany - Bad Frankenhausen

Today, I asked my Mom to buy me new shorts. She bought fluffy bubble shorts. I'm a 20 year old guy. FML

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By holyshitbatman - United States - Chicago

Today, I woke up naked next to my gay roommate after a night of drinking. Neither he nor I remember anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 14:02

Mr. Robot

Today, our computer system has irretrievably broken down due to viruses. My boss is the one who refused to get new antivirus software, but he’s still blaming me because I’m the computer guy and should be able to protect us from stupidly complicated viruses, "like the hackers in the movies." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after a long day of cleaning, I decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. Reaching for what I thought was Pam I coated my bread with spray and put my sandwich in the pan. Pledge makes a great looking sandwich, but the lemony flavor tastes like crap. FML

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Top comments

By peacelovepugs | 7

#3013067 - Monday 1 August 2011 6:34

acne.

By hk_fml | 9

#243416 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:39

Ohhhh man.
That is so unfortunate.

COMMENTS

By xkonstantine125x | 7

#243403 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:36

LMAO HAHAHAA FYL

danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1050880 - Thursday 1 July 2010 7:16

FAGGG

Revalation | 2

#2962014 - Sunday 24 July 2011 2:54

hehe :)

lexa1love | 16

#4540542 - Friday 8 June 2012 16:20

Damn. I thought he was going to say that he had smoked bath salts.

lincolnkite | 6

#5464213 - Thursday 25 April 2013 8:26

It happened before that lol

By StuckZ | 0

#243414 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:39

He was probably kidding. FYL anyway.

By hk_fml | 9

#243416 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:39

Ohhhh man.
That is so unfortunate.

cutiepie111 | 3

#4036567 - Wednesday 15 February 2012 3:12

WHY ARE YOU RETARTED?

cutiepie111 | 3

#4036585 - Wednesday 15 February 2012 3:17

oops srry, I meant 2 comment on #4

By naroushh | 0

#243420 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:39

HOW CAN YOUR FACE LOOK LIKE A PIZZA ???????/
LOLLLLLL

peacelovepugs | 7

#3013067 - Monday 1 August 2011 6:34

acne.

By baydestrian_girl | 0

#243437 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:42

Dayuumm! That's all bad!

By anglcdvl89 | 0

#243440 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:42

YUMMY!

kayC7 | 0

#1197281 - Friday 6 August 2010 7:45

You shouldn't mentioned it has lots of gooey, melted cheese, too! Mm, mm good.

By tehefyl | 0

#243442 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:42

hahaa that sucks. protip: proactive
kids say the darndest things though
fyl

By uhmfml | 0

#243443 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:42

Is your face just THAT greasy???

By redbluegreen | 40

#243444 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:42

Is he referring to acne? That's the only logical thing I can think of. Or maybe your makeup sucks.

This is funny though.

By ionboy | 0

#243447 - Saturday 30 May 2009 1:43

LOL FYL