The Top

This is my post. I agree with most of you. Total dumbass thing. I admit it. It didn't ruin my computer, just made my keys sticky for awhile and there are permanent smear marks on my screen. I did turn my head, ended up sneezing into my arm but it splashed down onto my computer. There just wasn't enough space to explain it. I decided to pay it before i spit cause i was trying to save time and only had to press a couple of buttons. Made sense at the time. Seemed like a waste to just stand there for 30 seconds and do nothing. Lesson learned. I had to pay it before I left for work because it was due that day by 3 and by the time i got home it would have been too late. Carry on the mocking :)

Friends like these

By Anonymous - 22/08/2021 06:01 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I found out that my closest friend of many years had been putting on a charade of being my friend, and has decided that they can't be bothered with the effort of me existing any more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 867

You deserved it 108

Small talk

By livvlynette - 27/02/2010 10:15 - Australia

Today, I went to a family funeral. Talking to my grandfather, trying to chitchat, he said, "You're gaining weight, aren't you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 150

You deserved it 4 278

My brain hates me

By Anonymous - 23/08/2021 02:01 - Australia - Jerrabomberra

Today, I had my third incapacitating headache this week. This has been happening for months. Pain killers and other remedies seem to work at random, if at all. Nobody has been able to tell me the cause. FML

I agree, your life sucks 923

You deserved it 76

Steady as she goes

By Slippin' - 18/11/2022 00:00 - United States - Steele

Today, I tried to walk on the sidewalk. Actually, it was so slippery that I had to shimmy across it. Then I shimmied too quickly and fell down. Now everything hurts. Maybe next time I should bring a sled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 644

You deserved it 148

First impressions

By wiseoldone - 03/02/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I'm going to an event where I will be meeting quite a few people who will be excellent contacts in my future career. Since I wanted to make a good impression, I did the whole makeup and grooming thing before setting out. I accidentally removed about half my left eyebrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 089

You deserved it 8 232

Kitchen nightmare

By Anonymous - 15/05/2020 14:00

Today, I made my boyfriend a vanilla cake for our anniversary. We sat down to eat it and one bite in, my boyfriend gets a weird look on his face. I take a bite and notice that it tastes like corn. I found out later my dad had replaced all the flour with cornmeal without telling anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 774

You deserved it 453

Got something to read?

By Anonymous - 26/08/2021 10:01 - Sweden

Today, I started the first day of my job as newspaper distributor, after a year of struggling to find a job. I got stuck in an elevator for two hours very early in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 875

You deserved it 73

Dating hell

By Anonymous - 02/04/2024 09:00 - India - Kolkata

Today, I have dated three people in high school and all of them cheated on me. The first one had feelings for, let's say, person A; the second one had feelings for person B; and the third girl had feelings for both person A and B. So, I ain't gonna be dating anyone any time soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 369

You deserved it 129

By joe - 31/01/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 730

You deserved it 26 870

Streaky

By Anonymous - 02/09/2021 02:00

Today, my 3 year-old saw the stretch marks on my stomach and proudly exclaimed, "Bacon!" After talking with my husband, he admitted that he agreed with our son's evaluation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 173

Black Swan

By Anonymous - 08/08/2009 22:17 - Australia

Today, I competed in a ballet competition and made the finals, while I was on stage awaiting the results, I sneezed really loudly and snot went flying all over the stage. When I went to accept my award the woman presenting it refused to shake my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 788

You deserved it 8 840

Get on with it

By Fred - 13/10/2025 09:00

Today, I got home at 6:30 after a 12-hour shift. I sat down on the sofa, and my wife immediately stomped in and said, "Why are you sitting doing nothing? Get up, there's a million things to do." FML

I agree, your life sucks 533

You deserved it 79

Zit remedy

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting ready for a date when I noticed a spot on my chin. To get rid of it, I applied my sister's spot cream rather than picking it off. Within minutes, my entire chin looked like a swollen tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 221

You deserved it 7 355

By baconrash - 22/02/2010 21:43 - United States

Today, I found out that the acne under my arms was worse then the severe acne on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 911

You deserved it 3 691

How did your Thanksgiving go?

By Anonymous - 25/11/2022 10:00

Today, I’m going to have two Thanksgivings. One at my parents' for the first half of the day, then the other at my house. I let my boyfriend know beforehand about it, as well as my sister. She then told my mom about my plan and next thing I know, I got a phone call from mom that turned into her yelling at me for not staying all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 821

You deserved it 163

Barbarians

By Anonymous - 08/04/2024 16:00 - United States - Dallas

Today, although I received a good grade for my science project, it was disqualified for the science fair that I'd hoped to enter. A beautiful scale model of our solar system was ruined by the Cro-Magnons in one of the other classes; I found pieces of it scattered all over the classroom. The teacher did nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 568

You deserved it 93

Branching out

By Anonymous - 08/12/2012 09:28 - Australia - Weston

Today, I thought it would be nice to park my new car under a big, shady oak tree to prevent it from heating up in the sun. The big, shady oak tree thought it would be nice to shed a massive branch on top of my new car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 027

You deserved it 4 161

By hoser - 21/02/2010 10:01 - Canada

Today, I went skiing. Trying to show off to some inexperienced skiers, I flew past them at my top speed, a bracket snapped off my boot and I slid on my face for about 30 metres. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 724

You deserved it 37 197

Raining cats and dogs

By Fling! - 29/11/2022 12:00 - United States

Today, I tried to put my reclining chair back. My cat and dog were sitting on the very top. It went up in an unexpectedly forceful manner, sending them flying, causing my dog to fall, and my cat to cling for dear life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 640

You deserved it 365

By JessThompson - 05/12/2012 16:50 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, after telling my young kids all about Santa, his reindeer and his sleigh, we saw him. Smoking a cigarette in the beat-up car next to ours at a red light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 987

You deserved it 4 358

Joker brain

By RIP Kevin - 28/11/2022 18:00

Today, my mom, who is a huge Batman fan, is still weepy and talking non-stop about Kevin Conroy, as she has been for the past two weeks. After three days it was starting to get excessive; now I think I'm going mad like the Joker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 664

You deserved it 141

Where are you?

By Anonymous - 14/04/2024 09:00 - United Kingdom

Today, it's been three weeks since my parents went on holiday and not only have they not called me, they don’t answer when I call them… until today, when my mom finally called me, whilst I was having sex. She then sent me a text outlining how rude it was I ignored her call and grounded me. I’m 24 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 501

You deserved it 135

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 052

You deserved it 19 761

Today, immediately after being informed of the sketchy activities that take place in our store parking lot after dark, I'm handed an orange vest and told to go out there to retrieve carts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 666

You deserved it 2 524

Today, it's my mom's birthday. I woke up at midnight to be the first to tell her happy birthday. When I awoke in the morning, I decided to bake her a cake. Little did I know my whole family was going out to lunch to celebrate. I wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 619

You deserved it 3 424

Today, I was talking to a guy at the bar and I told him I was a biology major. He promptly said, "NEXT" and moved on to the girl next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 320

You deserved it 3 592

Today, after days of hearing our new neighbour abusing his wife, my wife went round to confront him while on the phone with the police. Turns out they are just really into their BDSM and had no idea how loud they were being. They have costumes, toys and everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 562

You deserved it 199

Today, I tried to take a cute selfie with my dog. Right as I hit the button, he sneezed on my face. Now I have an unexpected "glamour shot" that captures him mid-sneeze and me looking horrified, and I'm somehow still tempted to post it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 164

You deserved it 370