Love: Today, I went speed dating. I arrived at my first date and she... - FML

By nikto - 03/06/2011 01:01

Today, I went speed dating. I arrived at my first date and she looked me up and down and said, "Oh, that's awkward." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 976

You deserved it 3 944

Dementia or hate? You decide

Not what you think

Stranded

By Anonymous - 08/05/2012 14:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was at my job life-guarding, when a woman pushed the spine-board over, hitting me on the back of my head. She laughed, but I now have a concussion and a stiff neck, and my co-workers can't stop laughing at the "irony." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 657

You deserved it 1 726

Great solution

By sullry - 25/12/2019 05:00

Today, I had a talk with my roommate that last semester my grades took a bit because he stays up late every night playing video games. And then asked him about playing less, so I can get more sleep. Today also, he gave me a pair of ear plugs and asked if they would solve the problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 561

You deserved it 849

By InAnAwkwardSituation - 25/08/2011 05:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my new college roommate holding his cock. He said "Hi I'm Jeffrey, and this is Jeffrey junior" while directing attention towards his penis. It's going to be a long semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 240

You deserved it 3 014

Be careful what you wish for

By cottage cheese-cunt - 21/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 599

You deserved it 416

Oh, hello there

By Jon - 18/01/2010 20:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out my little sister was a stripper. At the same time, she found out that when I said I was having a "quiet birthday with some friends," what I really meant was "hiring a stripper to jump out of a cake." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 569

You deserved it 8 824

By stupid - 24/12/2018 18:00

Today, after turning in a paper that I worked really hard on, I got it back with a grade of 0. In the feedback section, my professor wrote “In all my 37 years of teaching, this is by far the worst essay I have ever read.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 557

You deserved it 662

By GaveAnInchTakeAMile - 11/05/2013 09:52 - United States

Today, my brother's friend was about to drive home drunk, so I convinced him to think and not be stupid. It wasn't an invitation to puke on my floor then try to crawl into bed with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 509

You deserved it 5 833

By Loveless - 09/04/2018 13:00 - United States - Ashland

Today, I asked my girlfriend of 8 years if we should get a bigger place. She responded by insisting she get her own place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 158

You deserved it 411

By Bacular - 06/02/2010 09:29 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I started a new job, it was going well until I was asked to stand up and be introduced to a company director. I had a hard on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 044

You deserved it 5 910

By strongjon60 - 07/02/2012 15:07 - United States

Today, at my internship, I was told we were going to do something fun. I was excited, until I found out that this "fun" thing was labeling 500 folders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 092

You deserved it 3 620

By Fluffy - 11/01/2012 12:51 - United States

Today, I had to run a timed mile. I'm terrible at running. During the run, I thought I was doing a good job. That is, until the teacher told me to stop because I was three laps behind everyone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 848

You deserved it 6 220

I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

By bored - 12/09/2019 00:02

Today, I found a deck of Uno cards. Being extremely bored, I decided to put them in order. I now know EXACTLY which cards I'm missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 164

You deserved it 351

By Anonymous - 23/08/2009 19:41 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my little brother. He was looking at me and says "so cool." I asked him what was so cool and he says "it's not that cool but, your eyebrow connects to your other eyebrow". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 110

You deserved it 13 359

By MandieL - 30/01/2016 08:56 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I rushed over to stop my infant daughter from falling off her swing. Luckily just before she hit the ground, I woke up. Unfortunately, I woke up because I'd rolled off my bed and hit the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 157

You deserved it 1 787

Talk to her!

By Anonymoys - 06/04/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today my girlfriend actually moved during sex. I love her, but she's so awful in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 975

You deserved it 350

By happy21sttome - 15/06/2015 13:39 - United Kingdom

Today, after 5 years in a row of my family doing absolutely nothing to even acknowledge my birthday, I got train tickets to see my boyfriend for the weekend and celebrate with him. I woke up to 6 angry texts about how I'm 'selfish' for not staying at home with my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 313

You deserved it 2 394

By Unlucky - 19/12/2018 02:00 - United Kingdom - Bagworth

Spicy

Today, I found out my ex gave me an STI. Today I also found out I'm allergic to the medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 938

You deserved it 492

By Aly - 15/08/2013 07:10 - United States - Ontario

Today, my cousin texted me, asking how the chicken pizza had settled in my stomach. We got drunk last night and had pizza. I thought it was cheese; it was chicken. I've been vegetarian for 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 571

You deserved it 48 722

By Anonymous - 26/10/2013 03:03 - United States - Tampa

Today, someone popped my birthday balloon at school. Her reasoning was that she "didn't want people to know we have the same birthday." Who popped it? My identical twin sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 251

You deserved it 3 681

Almost done

By Anonymous - 09/04/2013 04:59 - Canada

Today, it's my 17th birthday, and the first birthday since my mother died, leaving me to live with my previously-absent father. He gave me pretzels and a laser pointer, and said, "Happy birthday, fuckstick." One more year… FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 487

You deserved it 3 423

Stinky neighborhood

By Anonymous - 11/08/2021 22:01

Today, I came home to a terrible smell in the apartment. Three hours, and a scoured kitchen later, I took the trash out. The smell was not my apartment, but from just across the alley: a neighbor had moved and emptied their fridge. Six more days of sunned milk until pickup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 844

You deserved it 47

By not laughing anymore - 11/12/2014 19:55 - Netherlands - Egelshoek

Today, since my finals are starting tomorrow, I made a joke about setting my math books on fire. I laughed. Friends laughed. Parents laughed. Guess what subject just managed to actually get in touch with my scented candles? FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 727

You deserved it 6 423

Get rid of the evidence!

By Anonymous - 18/08/2020 17:11

Today, while my roommate was taking a bath, I became horribly sick out of nowhere. Since the bathroom was occupied, I ended up having explosive diarrhea in an Amazon box in my bedroom, which I immediately ran out to the dumpster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 561

You deserved it 133

By SNBBFF - 25/10/2011 07:10 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. We had a huge family dinner and everyone was invited, including my boyfriend. My family is kind of stuck-up, so I was very nervous about him meeting them. He got into an argument with my uncle over how "awesome" Van Halen is, and ignored me all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 834

You deserved it 4 289

By dummy - 22/05/2009 05:12 - Canada

Today, my grandpa took out the family for dinner and paid for everyone. He paid the bill and my family and I were waiting by the door. I realised I probably should thank him for dinner. I turn around without thinking and give him a big hug and say thanks for dinner Grandpa. It wasn't my grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 267

You deserved it 44 804

By Anonymous - 05/10/2010 00:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was giving my boyfriend road head. He closed his eyes when he came, and crashed into a pole. I have whiplash, and a very very angry father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 684

You deserved it 61 544

By her mom raised her - 17/05/2014 17:30 - Mexico

Today, I had to call a plumber out, because my idiot daughter clogged the pipes while trying to flush a hamburger down the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 738

You deserved it 7 011

By pizzaface - 09/08/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed. The lady who waxed my eyebrows also decided to pop the big zit on my forehead. She charged me a dollar extra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 009

You deserved it 7 261

By pplsuck - 25/09/2012 23:57 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I went to eat out. When I sat down, I realized I forgot my straw. I took my purse with me, not wanting it to get stolen. Someone stole my food instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 247

You deserved it 2 755

By Haggis300 - 28/03/2015 23:44 - Australia

Today, my best friend went to my boss and offered to do my job for half the pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 209

You deserved it 2 438

Dumbasses

By stay in there - 17/04/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, I got a call from the local police station. Apparently, my idiot son and his equally dumb girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to have sex in the car at a park in broad daylight. They assumed no one would be there due to the quarantine. They were wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 120

You deserved it 270

It's a gas gas gas

By Anonymous - 12/05/2021 10:01 - United States - Schertz

Spicy

Today, as my husband normally initiates sex and sometimes I want to but always chicken out, I was feeling brave and did so. After he came, he continued working on me and I farted. I embarrassingly apologized and he said it was ok and kept going. I then continued to fart, and I had to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 219

You deserved it 220

By ForgottenAgain - 29/08/2010 16:58 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sat me down to reassure me that his competitive, possessive ex-wife will not come between us or ruin our relationship. Mid-conversation, his phone rang. It was her, and he left to answer it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 455

You deserved it 3 913

By Anonymous - 19/05/2019 00:05

Today, I was seeing my boyfriend for the first time in 3 weeks. I was so excited to see him that I gave him a big hug. He must have been excited to see me too, because he hugged me so tight that he squeezed a fart out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 896

You deserved it 244

By okay17 - 29/12/2014 05:00 - United States

Today, I met my new roommate. I hadn't even gotten her name yet, because the first thing she said to me instead was that she wanted to hang her confederate flag on the wall. I'm black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 903

You deserved it 5 086

By I need a new ballsack. - 16/09/2014 16:20 - United Kingdom - Macclesfield

Today, I'm at that age where sitting down carries a 50/50 chance of turning my balls into scrambled eggs, a fact confirmed yet again today. Third time this week. I think it's time to switch to briefs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 315

You deserved it 4 463

Stickler for details

By notagyno - 29/03/2013 14:19 - Romania - Bucharest

Spicy

Today, I realized how badly medical education has ruined me when I couldn't enjoy erotic literature because of one subtle anatomy mistake the author made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 780

You deserved it 9 093

By 3hoursleftofwork - 28/03/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, the magic of witnessing a sheep giving birth was ruined for me when I slipped and fell in the puddle of birth fluids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 687

You deserved it 5 332

By embarrassed - 20/12/2010 14:51 - United States

Today, I slipped at work while putting out a "wet floor" sign to make sure the customers didn't slip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 966

You deserved it 6 528

Itchy and Scratchy

By Anonymous - 06/04/2020 20:00 - Australia

Today, I put a collar on my dog to get rid of his fleas. Good news? He doesn't have fleas anymore. Bad news? They've moved onto the rest of my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 494

You deserved it 324

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Friday 3 June 2011 8:28

Don't worry she was probably checking out how obnoxiously huge your penis was.

perdix 29

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Friday 3 June 2011 8:27

Whip out your iPhone and play Angry Birds for the remaining 7 minutes and 50 seconds. Then, await your next humiliation.

Comments

chippa 24

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Friday 3 June 2011 8:21

I'm guessing you look like her last one-night-stand or something. Edit: Or her brother.

HugoBosss_fml 0

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Friday 3 June 2011 8:45

It's about time guys throw drinks in girls faces...

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Friday 3 June 2011 17:28

OP should've said, "No, it's organic" ;)

RebornProblem 0

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Wednesday 8 June 2011 21:15

Better drink my own piss.

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Friday 3 June 2011 8:21

YDI for speed dating.

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Friday 3 June 2011 8:51

i read speed dating and thought ydi, why do people feel the need that they always have to be in a relationship

withgoldeneyes 5

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Friday 3 June 2011 10:35

or maybe they just can't get a relationship and it's a last resort

EagorLuvsBigFoot 8

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Friday 3 June 2011 14:43

I thought eharmony was the last resort

a_nutritionist 10

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Sunday 5 June 2011 12:37

@19 and its bad to want to be in a relationship or meeting new people? from the sound of things, speed dating can be a fun social activity. hell, if im single again i may give it a crack, what have you got to lose? ...unless youre this guy.

Ldesu 0

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Friday 3 June 2011 8:21

Not exactly the first line you want to hear.

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Friday 3 June 2011 14:13

i think an insult like that is just about equal to a slap.

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Friday 3 June 2011 8:21

She was talking about your clothes. The colors clashed.

DeadxManxWalking 27

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Friday 3 June 2011 11:20

another reason why I match when I dress lol. if not fully by colors then by a little theme.

blondebrunette11 4

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Friday 3 June 2011 11:48

u know this how???

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Friday 3 June 2011 14:30

That's why you are a blonde.

perdix 29

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Friday 3 June 2011 8:27

Whip out your iPhone and play Angry Birds for the remaining 7 minutes and 50 seconds. Then, await your next humiliation.

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Friday 3 June 2011 8:31

woo!!!! angry birds!!! :D

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Friday 3 June 2011 8:50

ANGRY BIRDS FTW!!!!!!!

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Friday 3 June 2011 9:58

bubble shooter is my most recent addiction along with words with friends

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Friday 3 June 2011 14:17

hahhaa love it!

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Friday 3 June 2011 17:27

I agree. tell her she is not worth your time.

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Friday 3 June 2011 8:28

Don't worry she was probably checking out how obnoxiously huge your penis was.

mexicotoucher 7

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Friday 3 June 2011 8:28

At least you didn't burst out crying

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Friday 3 June 2011 8:29

The FML doesn't specify the contrary...

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Friday 3 June 2011 17:22

it also didn't specify that he wasn't naked or have his shirt inside out. in fact it specified almost nothing. random assumptions are bad for your brain.

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Thursday 16 August 2012 2:21

If OP is crying because some random girl said something to him while speed dating, he's too young.

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Friday 3 June 2011 8:34

Were you naked?

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Friday 3 June 2011 18:02

No that's why it was awkward. DUH!

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Friday 3 June 2011 8:34

so uh, how did that date go?

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Friday 3 June 2011 8:34

Geez, it's a wonder she's single.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 15

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 19

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 502

You deserved it 137

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 792

You deserved it 236