Health: Today, while outside, a bug flew up my nose. After I told my... - FML

By baugy - United States - Orlando

Today, while outside, a bug flew up my nose. After I told my family and friends about a faint vibrating in my upper nostril, they all convinced me I was paranoid. That was until that night when I blew my nose and there was the bug in my tissue. Its leg was still twitching. FML

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Late term

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Ghosted

By paranoid - United States

Today, I was walking on a path through a park by myself. I glanced at the ground and saw a shadow behind me. Thinking of an attacker, I screamed as loud as I could and began flailing my arms to ward him off. Turns out, it was a jogger. He had to stop due to his uncontrollable laughter. FML

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By chicochico - France

Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML

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By geeb - United States

Today, I had to confess to my mother that I was too hungover to take her to her AA meeting. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 23:02 - United States - Merrimack

Bye, dipshit

Today, my husband told me he no longer loves me and is moving out. It's also our 13th wedding anniversary. FML

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By helen_ - United States

Today, I had to go to my 10 year old son's school to talk about my job being a chef. As I was almost finished, I asked the kids "What would you like to do when you grow up?" Without hesitation one kid replied with a straight face , "Anything but being a douchebag like you." FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, after five long years of having been together, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to take our relationship to the "next level". We now have a Sims relationship. FML

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By SilkySmooth

Today, I realised why my room has been smelling like berries and why sex has been so uncomfortable recently. Apparently boyfriend doesn't know the difference between hair conditioner and lube. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boss chewed me out for correcting several spelling and grammar mistakes in one of his reports. The words "Think you're so damn smart, don't ya?" were uttered. I'm his secretary, and proofreading his shit is part of my job. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I fell asleep while using my laptop. The next thing I know, it's 8am and my dad is screaming at me for posting "u skank-ass cunt-face" on my mom's Facebook timeline. I never made that post, but he won't believe me. My asshole brother, meanwhile, can't stop smirking at me. FML

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By grannysmack - United States

Today, as I was bent over at my waitressing job an elderly woman walked by and smacked my ass. I looked at her, shocked, and she said, "It was too tempting with you bent over like that, I have a dirty old mind." I didn't know whether to be flattered or horrified. Maybe both. FML

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By dumbass

Today, I emailed my fiancé the assignment that I was handed for a journalism job interview, asking for him to take a look and give opinions about it. I accidentally e-mailed it to the job interviewer. She responded, and even CCed it to the CEO. FML

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By Julie - Canada

Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML

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By do your own ironing

Today, after weeks of insomnia, I fell asleep. This would have been great if my brother didn't wake me up at 3am, screaming because his guild finally took down a raid boss. I'm now grounded for thumping him, and have to do all his chores while sleep deprived. FML

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By emma_waters23 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I was walking my dog. A cute guy stopped me and said, "Wow, you are gorgeous!" I said thanks. He looked at me like I was nuts and said, "Not you, your dog." FML

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By Nanny - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. I asked her, "Do you got your bag?" And she said, "No. I have my bag. Babies say got. I'm a big girl." I am 20 years old and in the honors program in my college. I was corrected by a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. FML

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By Repethetic - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was shopping with my boyfriend when we came across the most beautiful piece of Japanese furniture. When I inspected it closely, my boyfriend started laughing. Turns out I was making the same noise I make when I orgasm in reaction to a piece of furniture. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up at 7, got to college by 7:40 to receive an email that my 8:00 a.m. class got cancelled. I stayed there until 12:00 p.m. for my second class, to then find out that the cancelled class was the one at 12:00, not 8:00. FML

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By hatesmellyfeet - United States

Today, I boarded my flight and sat next to a man. I told him I had hoped he was a hot woman and he concurred. He said at least I wasn't obese and I replied "At least you aren't smelly". Minutes later I realize he had the most disgusting foot odour ever... the barefoot kind. I suffered for 11 hours. FML

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By Skazzy3

Today, I got banned from my school library after I ran after a guy who stole my bag. FML

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By FenRackety - Canada

Today, at work, I was trying to get the octopus out of its tank to transfer it to another one. It instantly latched to my face and sprayed ink all over me. My boss told me to stop playing with the animals. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Union

Today, while in class, I had to sneeze. Not wanting to make a lot of noise, I held it in, only to instead let out a huge, long fart. Everyone, including the teacher, turned and stared at me intently. FML

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By Lizzielollipop816 - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. I bumped into a guy, and as I was helping him pick up his food, I realized he was cute. I began smiling and I was about to introduce myself, when he began laughing and said ,"It's you! I've heard about you!" He left laughing. I still don't know who he is, or what made him laugh. FML

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By robinhoood - United States

Today, I got T-boned by a woman going 60 mph. I was unconscious for hours while a tube was inserted into my collapsed lung. Upon waking up my 16-year old brother thought it would be hilarious to yank out my leg hairs. FML

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By charlieweaver21 - France

Today, I agreed to meet my ex-girlfriend at our favorite restaurant with my hopes high. She just wanted me to meet her new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to spend the day cleaning my room. My mom thinks that I was lying just to stay home, so she yelled at me to go to her shop. At the shop, she yelled at me for not being any help. When we got home she yelled at me for having a messy room. FML

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By MafiaWarsWidow - Australia

Today, I was on the phone to my boyfriend in England. I live in Australia. What did he talk about for 15 minutes straight? Mafia Wars on Facebook and how far he had got. FML

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By popeye - United States

Today, I was trying to take the cap off a can of spray cooking oil. It was really stuck so I pulled extra hard. It flew off and I punched myself in the head. I also sprayed myself in the eye with it. The lump on my forehead and my swollen shut eye make me look like Popeye, but I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my sister and I were sick of living with each other, so we'd decided to go on separate holidays. I get to my hotel, then an hour later she rocks up to the very same hotel to check in. She'd booked her holiday using a magazine she'd stolen from my room, and ended up in the exact same place. FML

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By HedgehogFace

Today, my science teacher said I looked like a hedgehog, then had the whole class take a vote. They voted unanimously that yes, I do look like a hedgehog. FML

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By greek_dancer - United States

Today, I went to the mall and had to parallel park. It took me 10 to 12 minutes of maneuvering before I got into the slot. When I turned off the car and got out, there were 8 people laughing hysterically and clapping for me. FML

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By tobuscus9412 - Australia - Woronora

Today, my father decided it would be a good idea to give me the sex talk, at Target, at the top of his lungs. FML

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By Ravhi Karia - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I went to see my ill granddad in hospital. I saw lots of doctors around his bed, and they pronounced him dead, so I ran out crying. A little later, I found out that my granddad had been moved, and it was a different man in his bed. FML

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By TheJuggla17 - United States

Today, I put in an application to my local market for a job that I desperately needed. I was talking to the manager, he seemed pleased with my application and said he'll call me. As he walks into his private office, I hear the sound of a paper shredder. FML

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By Embarassed - Canada

Today, I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. At least, I thought I did, until I woke up to my pants, sheets, and boyfriend all soaking wet. FML

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By hahahaha090114 - United States

Today, I found out I was getting a divorce. My wife is leaving me for my brother, saying that now that he has money there is nothing that can stand in their way. I recently decided to send him money to help him get back on his feet. FML

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By Sally - United States

Today, my roommate came home and began changing clothes in the same room that my boyfriend and I were in. I quickly got annoyed and angry and when I began questioning her about it she just laughed while saying, "Oh relax, it's not like he's never seen me naked before." FML

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By Forded - United States

Today, my minivan broke down on the side of the highway. I'm out of work and can't afford a cell phone, so I resorted to standing at the back of my van holding a "HELP" sign. About an hour went by, in which time I was passed by a cop car, a firetruck, and a car that said "Roadside Assistance." FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that the reason I don't want to stay overnight at his house is because I still occasionally wet the bed. FML

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By stupid - United States

Today, I lost my cell phone. Since I sleep on the couch, I started looking through the cushions. I didn't find my phone, but after 6 months of uncomfortably sleeping on the couch, I find out I'm sleeping on top of a pull out bed. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I found some porn videos in my parents room. I put them in and began to toss off, but as the camera moved up I realized it was my mom and my step-dad. FML

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Top comments

By Kurochrome | 17

#4288590 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 8:58

Why didn't you blow your nose sooner?

By JustMe876 | 0

#4288560 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 8:52

eww thats pretty gross!

COMMENTS

By JustMe876 | 0

#4288560 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 8:52

eww thats pretty gross!

Reply

Roevera | 14

#4288709 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 9:25

You didn't try blowing your nose before then? I would have flipped shit if I figured I had a live bug in my nose...

Reply

taco_bender | 12

#4288843 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 10:11

You have to get those bugs out asap cause they lay eggs in ur brain. I know. Scary huh

Reply

southernbelle_rn | 16

#4289681 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 17:01

OP, I guess you've never seen the Animal Planet show "Monsters Inside Me" yet?
It's referenced again a little further down...someone knows what I'm talking about!

Reply

xoconnie | 8

#4290037 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 17:58

Ew ew ew!!!!!
that's so disgusting!!!!

once a bug flew in my eye and it was basically swimming around my eyeball while i was trying to get it out! Eventually I did, and it flew away lmaaaoooo!

but ur story is way worse, FYL

Reply

IronicIrony | 8

#4290820 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 22:28

Thank you 84 for making me almost vomit due to picturing a bug swimming in someone's eyeball.

By LaColombianita | 26

#4288563 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 8:53

I hate it when that happens! :/

Reply

takeapieandrun | 9

#4289005 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 12:22

The way you say that makes it seem like this is a regular occurrence for you...

Reply

kaoticllama | 1

#4289133 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 13:23

I do believe that is the joke.

Reply

Link5794 | 18

#4289152 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 13:33

That's just bot flies, and they can lay their eggs anywhere in the body.

Reply

lazygoat | 4

#4290849 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 22:36

Lol!

Reply

boofgall | 16

#4292732 - Thursday 12 April 2012 4:16

41- Your comment made me laugh almost as much as the FML.

By jwally726 | 0

#4288578 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 8:56

Finally a real FML. Not the normal 12 y/o "omg I tripped in front of this guy i liked for like a whole hour and I thought I was gonna die" ugh I want to punch the moderators who let those through

Reply

ninjadinos | 14

#4288643 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 9:02

Pretty sure most of those don't go through... If you look at the recent FMLS you will see that in fact, very few are like that.

By Grimmerie | 31

#4288582 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 8:57

Should have just snorted it down. Insects are full of protein, you know.

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4288904 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 11:23

And eggs which are ready to hatch inside if you...

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4289008 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 12:23

This is probably a stupid question, but can the eggs really hatch in you? Wouldn't they just die? How terrifying. :(

Reply

QueenQuay77 | 10

#4289017 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 12:29

I don't know but either way that's very disgusting. I'm totally grossed out just thinking about it

Reply

DiscoRanger | 0

#4289238 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 14:29

If you swallow it, the eggs would burn up in your stomache acid. No eggs, all the protien!

Reply

RamenForTheWin | 10

#4289642 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 16:46

Have you ever heard of the show "Monsters Inside of Me"? It's pretty damn terrifying.

By kaycee1996 | 5

#4288584 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 8:57

OMG!!
That's hilarious!!

And really gross :/

Reply

MDTeddy | 13

#4292364 - Thursday 12 April 2012 3:05

I honestly do not know how you find that funny.

By ILoveEggnog | 7

#4288586 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 8:57

That is probably the most disgusting thing I've read all day.

By Kurochrome | 17

#4288590 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 8:58

Why didn't you blow your nose sooner?

Reply

Urbanchiller | 0

#4289223 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 14:18

Because she liked the vibrating feeling in her nose.

OP you just got nose fucked by a bug.. Giggity.

Reply

ravemasterroxas | 9

#4292512 - Thursday 12 April 2012 3:31

YOU LIKE HOMESTUCK TOO!! :D (that was completely irrelevant)

By ninjadinos | 14

#4288615 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 9:00

You know, a fly poops every time it lands... No biggy though!

Reply

marinus_fml | 19

#4288632 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 9:02

Yeah no biggy, it may not even have been a fly.

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#4288665 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 9:06

The more you know!

Cool fact. I didn't know that.

Reply

ninjadinos | 14

#4288676 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 9:08

Most chocolate bars have 3 or more spider legs in them..

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#4288679 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 9:10

Ahh yes I knew that one thanks to bones. Haha. Great show by the way.

Reply

sinking_fish | 12

#4288834 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 10:07

18- I read this as I'm eating Easter chocolate. D:

Reply

deviable | 9

#4288884 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 11:01

It's not just spiders. It impossible to get rid of all the bugs during processing, so most if what you eat has bug bits in it. No biggie, you hardly notice them.

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#4289403 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 15:54

sigh!!!
Until now!!!

Reply

RamenForTheWin | 10

#4289659 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 16:52

Cereal also is allowed to have bug bits, because it is impossible for every bug to be eradicated from wheat. Also, the word "cereal" comes from "Ceres", the Roman goddess of agriculture.

Reply

tannarox | 0

#4293274 - Thursday 12 April 2012 6:42

Cereal may contain up to 250 "insect limbs".
;D

Reply

affamigo13 | 1

#4307757 - Sunday 15 April 2012 15:05

Actually it barfs everywhere/every time it lands

By EvilTeddysRock | 2

#4288649 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 9:03

Just hope it didn't lay eggs in your brain :S goodnight^-^

By emeraldisle | 30

#4288652 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 9:04

I'm more concerned about how it survived in your nose for that long.

Reply

LaughinStock | 16

#4289220 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 14:15

Hour 15: It's very hot in here, I can hardly breathe anymore. I think I've lost 10lbs, I knew I should've never taken that stupid bet. I've been eating these weird green objects and they seem to be full of nutrients. Wait something is happening...I see a light.....

Reply

DiscoRanger | 0

#4289244 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 14:30

Fly point of view for the win?

Reply

DracoSpirita | 21

#4289408 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 15:56

#13 - Bones is the funniest non-comedy show ever made. I've learned so many random facts from that show. R.I.P., Vincent Nigel Murrey!

Reply

emeraldisle | 30

#4290729 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 21:47

I've actually never watched Bones but I hear it's a good show. Maybe I should start it.