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Absolute beginners

By dancerr2210 - 09/06/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, after making out with my boyfriend for the first time, it took me an hour to convince him he was still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 328

You deserved it 6 979

Nope

By Brrrb - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Singapore

Today, I passed by a small shop and decided to go in to look at the jeans. Before I could even step in, the shop owner told me expressionlessly, "All the sizes here are too small for you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 814

You deserved it 8 286

By stupidneighbor - 04/03/2009 17:03 - United States

Today, I slipped on the ice in front of my apartment, spraining my ankle and cracking a rib. While I laid on the ground immediately after, my neighbor chewed me out for saying "shit" in front of her 4-year-old on my way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 210

You deserved it 3 549

Time wasting

By PNeil - 13/11/2019 14:00

Today, after having spent all of last night studying for an algebra test, I find out that the test was on a completely different chapter of my textbook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 214

You deserved it 1 601

Romance isn't dead

By broken - 13/09/2009 04:26 - United States

Today, I was fooling around with my boyfriend in his room. He grabbed me behind the head to pull me in for a hard, romantic kiss. He accidentally smashed my nose into his cheekbone, and my nose started gushing blood and continued to bleed for over 2 hours. It's broken, and he just laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 033

You deserved it 4 483

Handjob

By Anonymous - 20/11/2019 18:00

Today, I heard my boyfriend masturbate next to me and then relieves himself on my bed sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 095

You deserved it 924

By EmmaleeSupertramp - 14/02/2014 03:16 - United States

Today, it was the first dress rehearsal at a community theater. I'm playing a grandma to a bunch of little kids, and the guy who is playing the grandpa wears a fat suit. I put on my costume and one of the kids comes up to me and says, "Are you wearing a fat suit too?" and pokes my stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 729

You deserved it 6 986

Precious memories

By jeph23 - 11/09/2009 20:11 - United States

Today, after picking up my 6 year-old from school, he said, "Drew said his dad could beat you up." I told him that he needs to respect his own father more and stand up for me. We got home, I looked up his class roster and low and behold, Drew's dad beat me up in junior high. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 340

You deserved it 19 184

By EPICfml. - 02/03/2009 19:01 - United States

Today, my dad woke me up at 6 told me to take a shower and drove me to school only to say "just kidding, happy snowday!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 653

You deserved it 13 542

By frustrated! - 06/02/2013 06:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me a freak for wanting to have sex for a second night in a row. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 012

You deserved it 6 136

Knackered

By Anonymous - 27/02/2012 12:36 - Australia

Today, I was very cold and tired, so I took a shower to warm up and went to bed. The minute I hopped into bed, it collapsed and broke. I have spent half-an-hour rearranging furniture to get the mattress on to the floor. Now I'm cold again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 327

You deserved it 3 284

Get me out of here

By Anonymous - 13/09/2022 17:00 - United States - Berthoud

Today, I had to chase after my dad through a closing garage door to stop him from driving off fuming and doing something stupid. He recently got betrayed at work and called my mom's friend her boyfriend. I'm 27, living at home, don't want kids, no girlfriend, few, if any, good friends, likely unemployable because of resume gaps and bipolar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 832

You deserved it 350

By australian6196 - 05/02/2014 02:36 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while on a road trip through Australia with my dad, we were both complaining that we had yet to see any kangaroos. Suddenly, we saw one up real close. The rental car saw it even closer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 458

You deserved it 72

WTF?

By Can't Believe It. - 03/02/2014 20:11 - United States - Fairview

Today, I dreamed that Robert Downey Jr. kept flirting with me and asking me out. Each time, I refused him, because I'm taken. When I proudly told my boyfriend, he said, "What the hell? I could've kissed the mouth that kissed the Iron Man!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 261

You deserved it 9 220

By fuckit - 31/01/2013 20:27 - Italy - Rome

Today, my pants ripped while I was at work. I had to keep my balls to the wall while I dodged customers and edged ever closer to the break room. Before I could call my wife and ask her to bring a new pair, my boss burst in, got pissed, and made me go back out and deal with irate customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 182

You deserved it 2 504

Freak out

By Lee - 05/07/2021 22:01 - United States

Today, my cat had a long dingleberry hanging off his butt. He decided the best way to get rid of it was to freak out and run around the house, shaking shit everywhere. To make it worse, he then licked his still shit covered butt, made a face and promptly threw up. Guess my cat isn’t the brightest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 185

By nipman - 25/04/2011 19:12 - United States

Today, my grandpa who is staying with us mistook me for a Japanese soldier and started to hit me with a bat. This is the second night in a row. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 227

You deserved it 3 863

We have so much in common

By Frank - 19/09/2022 09:00

Today, my girlfriend of 4 years confessed to me that she had sex with my best friend before she started to date me. Funny thing is, I'm bi and had sex with the same best friend at around the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 900

You deserved it 700

By nohair - 24/04/2011 14:06 - United States

Today, I shaved my head because I heard that one of my good friends got cancer. I went to visit her in the hospital. She's not bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 588

You deserved it 60 490

By Anonymous - 27/01/2014 20:55 - United States - Gardner

Today, I got my wedding photos back. The only decent picture of my husband and me together also featured a fat guy in a crop top behind us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 552

You deserved it 5 221

The book of revelations

By MiraR - 06/10/2022 18:30

Today, I lost my diary. The diary in which I write all my appointments/chores/grocery lists, etc. It includes "Wash last week's underwear", "Batteries for vibrator" and "Diarrhea meds". I'm 99% sure I lost it in one of my classes. I'm dreading going to college tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 202

You deserved it 433

By anonymous - 26/01/2013 08:42 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 231

You deserved it 5 657

By fatcat117 - 22/04/2011 01:53 - United States

Today, in order to avoid seeing my ex-girlfriend in class, I changed my schedule for "personal reasons." Apparently she had the same idea and changed her schedule as well. We now have all the same classes together. Before, we had just two. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 400

You deserved it 9 793

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 00:10 - United States - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend was spending the day at my place. Later on, I walked in while she was making lunch. She had a jar of mayo in her hand, and I joked, "I have some mayo, but it doesn't come from a jar." She had a bluetooth headset on, and was in a call with her father. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 46 889

You deserved it 25 906

By Andrew - 20/04/2011 16:31 - United States

Today, I tried to get my wife to have sex with me, she told me she couldn't because she had her period. She's two months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 452

You deserved it 11 768

By pandabear93 - 04/09/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about when I have kids. I told her I may want two or three. She immediately cut me off and told me to stick to one, and that any more than that will be a burden. I am the second born child of my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 604

You deserved it 3 763

****** around, found out

By Single4evaaaa - 07/10/2022 13:00

Today, the woman that I left my wife for told me she just wanted me for sex and not a long-term relationship. I pleaded on my knees to my wife to take me back and rekindle our marriage and even suggested counseling. I even brought her roses. She slapped me with the roses and slammed the door in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 253

You deserved it 10 431

Functioning

By Violet - 19/04/2011 09:50 - Australia

Today, I realised that what I had thought was my dad's default state for the past 17 years is actually his drunken state. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 325

You deserved it 3 404

By imsorrylove - 31/03/2010 04:44 - United States

Today, I took pills to make sure I lasted longer with my girlfriend. Good news? It worked fine and is still working now. Bad news? We've been done for a good two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 230

You deserved it 33 157

Creep alert

By Pop_Pies - 03/09/2009 13:27 - Australia

Today, I had been working at the checkout for over five hours. Slightly tired while serving a customer, my eye accidentally twitched and I gave him a wink. He smiled and winked back. When I finished work two hours later he was outside, waiting for me, and followed me to my car, still smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 125

You deserved it 4 169

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Random

Today, a creepy old guy kept hitting on me in line at Subway. I got scared and told him to back off because my dad was waiting for me outside. He replied that he wouldn't object to a three-way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 046

You deserved it 2 753

Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, and had to run to the bathroom to evacuate my bowels. She heard the horrible sounds, and I doubt I'll ever be able to seduce her again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 100

You deserved it 3 915

Today, my creepy co-worker informed me that he was going to stick his "peeny-weeny" in my "teeny-vageeny". FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 094

You deserved it 410

Today, my evil twin sister was preparing for her prom. When I saw her trying on her dress, she looked at me and said, “First to get a boyfriend, a prom date, and into college. Maybe you’ll die first?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 024

You deserved it 103

Today, just after Christmas, my husband and father of my small children went and left us and I don’t know how to deal with any of it. I don’t know how to be a single mom or fix it. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I’m heartbroken, not just for myself but for my kids as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 891

You deserved it 167

Today, my mother-in-law called my boyfriend, who is four years younger than me, to try and persuade him to go to a funeral, because there would be cute girls there his age there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 425

You deserved it 128