Alcohol, Drunk and Awkward: Functioning - FML

Functioning

By Violet - 19/04/2011 09:50 - Australia

Today, I realised that what I had thought was my dad's default state for the past 17 years is actually his drunken state. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 229

You deserved it 3 378

Alcohol Drunk Awkward

Leave us alone

It never rains…

All over

By Username - 16/09/2010 23:27 - France

Today, I decided to dye my hair to freshen up my appearance. I asked my husband for his opinion, expecting him to recommend a color. He then asked me why going on a diet wasn't my first option. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 849

You deserved it 11 448

Stop

By dad - 03/03/2009 22:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year-old daughter texted me from her room, "Stop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 298

You deserved it 83 012

By smooth - 21/11/2013 16:10 - United States

Today, a girl and I were flirting and it was going well. Feeling bold, I asked what she would do if I kissed her. She smiled flirtatiously and said "Why don't you try it and find out?" I went in for a kiss, and she slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 532

You deserved it 13 985

By SimpleSwimmer - 04/10/2011 16:18 - United States

Today, I applied for a job as a dishwasher. I was denied because I don't have enough experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 946

You deserved it 3 259

By bitty - 11/01/2011 14:45 - United States

Today, some construction workers kept going in and out the door next to my cubicle. They decided it would be easier to just prop the door open for the next hour. It's 20 degrees outside, and I'm wearing a dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 283

You deserved it 6 880

By wtf bro?! - 07/05/2019 12:00

Today, I got a Facebook message from a guy from my old school. I didn’t remember him, but I replied anyway. When I checked my phone after work, I had 73 new messages that went from, “How have you been?” to, “Fuck you ugly cockteasing whore,” and ended with, “You better hope I don’t catch you!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 272

You deserved it 153

By Anonymous - 21/01/2013 21:26 - United States - Lake Forest

Today, I have to take a midterm, which is worth a large part of my grade. All our teacher has taught us so far is how to roast s'mores over a Bunsen burner, and how to make gummy bears explode. Our test is on kinetics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 189

You deserved it 3 799

By Devotedmom - 10/01/2016 09:07 - Belgium - Li?ge

Today, I got up at 5 am to bake a surprise birthday cake for my 16-year-old son. I put the cake on the table and went to call my son. "Surprise!" When I came back 30 seconds later, the cake was all gone and the dog was licking his lips. My son won't even believe I made a cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 983

You deserved it 3 092

By bronzemedal97 - 15/06/2009 11:40 - United States

Today, I was leaning under a counter to get my girlfriend her favorite snack food out of a low cabinet when she decided it would be funny to poke me while I was in an awkward position. I jerked up, rammed my head on the bottom of the counter, and ended up at the ER with staples in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 526

You deserved it 3 208

By Anonymous - 02/02/2017 19:00 - United States - Spearfish

Today, my dumbass cat sat on a lit candle. The whole house now smells like burnt hair and I now have to clip clumps of wax-burnt hair off his bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 967

You deserved it 937

Just joking, dude!

By spacemanspiff78 - 31/10/2011 15:07

Today, while standing in line at the supermarket, I reached past my wife to get a pack of gum. She jokingly did the "battered wife flinch" to get a laugh, and smiled at me from behind her hand. The cop staring at us obviously didn't notice the smile and definitely didn't think it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 135

You deserved it 4 190

By cheated - 08/07/2009 06:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had sex with my fiancée. My panties fell behind the bed. Later, when I went to get them, I found three other pairs. Only one pair was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 814

You deserved it 4 523

By kaitlintaylor - 07/11/2010 21:24 - United States

Today, my family went to a football game. It was a little cold, but then it started to rain. I wasn't dressed for rain and I'd left my umbrella in the car. My dad wouldn't let us leave our seats for the whole game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 578

You deserved it 5 231

By Infadel - 22/07/2014 21:55 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was prepping for an interview after several months of unemployment. I had just finished brushing my teeth when I reached back and grabbed a towel behind me to wipe my face. Turns out it wasn't a towel, it was my newly dry-cleaned suit jacket that my wife had put there for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 773

You deserved it 10 488

Good news

By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 13:58

Today, I had a bit of good news with a letter that stated we were owed money by overpaying Council Tax. I phoned them, announcing myself. However, it turns out we actually owe THEM money, due to an error they made giving me and my husband a discount we weren't entitled to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 893

You deserved it 81

By Jackie Campbell - 12/07/2011 07:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using the "it's not you, it's me" speech with a slight variation, saying instead, "It's not me, it's you. And yes, I meant to say it that way round." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 309

You deserved it 6 107

By norestforthewicked - 19/04/2011 04:30

Today, my family and I discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge, after I woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream, surrounded by my parents, brother, and dogs. Apparently my recent dieting plans aren't going over too well with my subconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 045

You deserved it 4 313

By backtosquareone - 04/10/2009 09:42 - Canada

Today, after weeks of therapy for severe depression, my therapist thought it would be helpful to confess my deepest problems to my friends, to prove that it was alright to trust people. I did. They laughed. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 461

You deserved it 3 991

By RC - 25/10/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, my cousin and I were out on the boardwalk. I walked to the railing next to a man and said, "Great view isn't it?" Then I found out that the man was blind and had a seeing eye dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 271

You deserved it 10 422

By Noname - 25/02/2009 05:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mom decided to give me relationship advice. She told me the key to a happy/successful relationship was "letting your man explore ALL your orifices." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 613

You deserved it 4 157

* backs away slowly *

By tima - 27/06/2018 01:30

Today, I went to visit my long-distance boyfriend for the first time. His room is decorated top to bottom with swastikas and confederate flags. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 861

You deserved it 851

By nothowitworks - 03/02/2018 19:30 - United States

Today, I was grounded for allegedly lying to my parents about being at my friend's house, in her outdoor hot tub. Apparently, my parents couldn't find me on Google Earth. I can't convince them that it's not actually a live feed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 777

You deserved it 324

By sadcapri96 - 23/06/2011 21:40 - United States

Today, the old lady I've been taking care of and running errands for died. She hadn't paid me yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 512

You deserved it 47 226

By batgirlrules881 - 07/11/2009 15:26 - United States

Today, I confronted my boyfriend because I suspected he had been cheating. His reply? "Took you long enough to figure it out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 007

You deserved it 4 689

By Anonymous - 22/12/2013 06:56 - Australia - Elwood

Today, I got a call at 4 in the morning from the security company, saying someone had broken into my workplace. I drove an hour out there, only to find out it was a rat that had set off the alarm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 479

You deserved it 3 350

By Anonymous - 19/09/2009 01:32 - United States

Today, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a "slow down, children" sign. I was nice and slowed down as I passed a couple little kids with their parents outside watching them. I guess I was going too slow because one of the fathers started chasing me down the street calling me a pedophile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 320

You deserved it 4 360

By ai_lauren - 19/12/2014 04:04 - United States - Bayonne

Today, I got 3 different rejection letters mailed to me from the same college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 732

You deserved it 3 081

By 4am blues - 13/07/2015 04:39 - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, my cat thought it was appropriate to bring a bird into the house at 4 a.m.; the bird thought it was appropriate to attack my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 280

You deserved it 2 530

By Beccarr - 01/07/2009 17:04 - United Kingdom

Today, it was boiling hot so my boyfriend and I decided to sunbathe in the garden and ended up falling asleep for a few hours. Not only is my back so burnt that I can't lie down, I also have a white hand print on my upper back where my boyfriend had left his arm while we slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 649

You deserved it 45 572

By killingmyselfimmediately - 07/01/2019 20:00

Today, I had the flu and couldn't go to school. My dad called in and told them that I couldn't be there because I have an itchy anus. Not only that, but my birthday's tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 496

You deserved it 203

By neverleavingthehouseagain - 08/12/2015 23:08 - United Kingdom - Epsom

Today, my ex, for whom I still have feelings, introduced me to his new girlfriend. To make things "less awkward," he invited a mutual friend of ours. However, the last time I'd seen this friend, it was a week after my ex and I had broke up, and we hooked up. Awkward doesn't cover it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 686

You deserved it 5 523

By itrustedsnapeallalong - 28/08/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, for the first time, I hugged the man I have been in love with for four years. It was a congratulatory hug at his wedding to my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 864

You deserved it 14 440

By LaundryVictim - 15/06/2016 20:50

Today, I picked up my laundry from the wash-and-fold and proceeded to put everything away. I noticed a hand towel that wasn't mine and made a mental note to return it; turned out they'd given me someone else's boxers as well. My boyfriend doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 467

You deserved it 1 117

By j. farmer-smith - 09/02/2018 23:00 - United States - Jamestown

Today, I'm a superintendent at a school, and it snowed today after school. The snow ended up freezing on the road, so I called school off for tomorrow. I sent calls home, cancelled all school events, and then realized that it's Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 086

You deserved it 3 297

By jmitch1209 - 28/01/2010 17:55 - United States

Today, I was potty training my nephew. He had been on the toilet for almost twenty minutes and could not go. My phone started ringing, and as I went to pick it up he knocked it into the toilet. He then peed and pooped on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 851

You deserved it 3 843

By ouch - 26/03/2011 02:27

Today, my cat fell into the bathtub while walking along the rim. This wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't in it at the time, and if my skin was immune to being sliced open by a frantic kitty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 141

You deserved it 5 428

By HarvestMoon_gal - 24/07/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I was cleaning a pan. I turned the water on, and it was super hot. My reaction was to slam my hand down. On a knife. So, not only do I have a burned hand, but there's also a huge cut on it from the knife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 048

You deserved it 10 624

By Pattie - 12/06/2015 06:50 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, I got a Brazilian wax in anticipation of becoming intimate for the first time this weekend with a man I have dated for a few weeks. I'm so sore it hurts just to walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 523

You deserved it 8 387

No dog for you

By Anonymous - 21/11/2021 05:01 - United States - Seattle

Today, I asked my landlord if I could get a dog. He said no, and gave me an illegal rent increase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 958

You deserved it 96

Now Playing

By Thescarlettfox - 17/09/2020 16:58

Today, my eleven-year-old cousin, who lives with me, has discovered Old Town Road. He’s been playing it for four hours on repeat and I’m ready to scream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 970

You deserved it 106

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:15

Over the past 17 years you were never able to smell alcohol on his breath?

BruisedGiraffe 15

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:08

he must really like the booze

Comments

BruisedGiraffe 15

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:08

he must really like the booze

fLYinGgoOsE360 3

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:10

agreed.

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:43

if your drunk constantly enough to make someone think that, you need some serious help.

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:46

NO!

Send a private message

Tuesday 14 June 2011 7:51

he number 1ed a number 2? nice

Send a private message

Thursday 25 October 2012 21:53

I found this out about my mom recently too...

jordanprodigy023 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:11

Wow your dad is good

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 18:49

I bet that's what she said

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 19:32

if someones having a default state for 17 years, then there's gotta be some kinda of substance abuse behind it......

DuckfaceSoccerpu 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 21:14

3- oyes, especially in bed. 8D.

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 April 2011 2:39

That's what she said!

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 April 2011 3:31

*cough

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:13

he must have drunken until you moved out... someone doesn't love :/ sorry pal

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:15

Over the past 17 years you were never able to smell alcohol on his breath?

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:26

of course not, you stupid man. how could she have seen it's not normal when the fml is about her thinking it is normal? i didn't mean to be rude. its an outburst.

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:37

^ hahahaha

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:49

Maybe it's that constant exposure thing doc. People don't notice their own home smells because they're always there. Ops father is always drunk, so I guess it's possible she is so used to the smell that she never noticed it until it was gone.

khaya 9

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:57

He must just be a bundle of fun at the moment.

khaya 9

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 17:00

"There's that daughter again, pass me that drink."

aussie_gemini 5

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 17:06

can't smell vodka :)

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 17:23

lol there's also the fact that OP could have been drunk.....

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 18:26

that man Is a Hero

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 19:07

he needs the booze, or else he would probably beat OP for being a shitty daughter. how the fuck could you not know if you live with him? uh maybe all the empty liqour or beer bottles? should have been a strong hint.

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 April 2011 3:46

16! Cute picture :3

cldean24 4

Wednesday 20 April 2011 6:19

You can smell vodka. She may not have been able to smell the alcohol if she hasn't been around it and known. I thought this about my dad for years before I realized (substance abuse). Until he got arrested, that is.

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 April 2011 7:05

is your father charlie sheen?

Death_From_Above 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:18

you're very easily fooled!

scottishandrew1 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:18

I wish I could be drunk for 17 years lol, can't ever get a hang over if you are always drunk...

khaya 9

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 18:05

Yeah, just that huge one once you take a break.

ChantelRenaeee 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:19

hahahaha oh boy isn't it great to get to know your family?

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:21

That is too bad...feel sorry for you OP.

herroeverybody 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 19:23

what's OP mean ?

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 19:58

old person original poster orange pelican take your pick

callofduty4life 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:28

YDI for causing him to drink

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:52

^no. cod FTW

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 17:21

no, halo pwns your soul. unless you don't have one. :(

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 17:25

I dont. therefore, it doesn't.

TaylorTotsYumm 10

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 18:22

You're not a ginger, though.

moosemonkey1000 6

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 18:23

hotty plays cod? thts odd. haha tht rhymes.

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 18:43

BlackOps is the death of FPSs... but on the plus side, lots of kids are on the multiplayer :D

ThatLooksSticky 16

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 16:29

Damn. Your father is a gifted actor! I wonder what else he's been hiding.

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 3

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 184

You deserved it 496

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 584

You deserved it 729