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Surprise!

By ilana - 10/02/2012 09:51 - United States

Today, I was working at my day-camp, and one of my little boys told me he had to show me something important. He proudly showed me that he'd crapped his pants. I had to wipe his ass clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 449

You deserved it 3 348

Backstabbers

By Anonymous - 23/07/2021 18:01 - United States

Today, after I applied for an IT position at work, and a coworker I’ve worked with for 3 years, who said she had no intention on applying, wished me luck and told me, "I hope you get it!" it's now a week later and it turns out she applied the next day, got the offer and accepted. I had to find out a week later from a different coworker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 106

You deserved it 104

Gimme the D

By Anonymous - 07/02/2024 20:00 - United States - Citrus Heights

Today, I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend, but he kept falling asleep while I was giving him a handjob. Ugh, no sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 378

You deserved it 293

The disrespect

By Anonymous - 20/07/2021 11:01

Today, I visited my mom at the graveyard first thing in the morning. Not even 24 hours after the funeral, someone’s dog had taken a massive, liquidy shit all over her grave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 382

You deserved it 70

Soul searching

By Anonymous - 26/07/2021 19:59 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years came out as gay. I guess I know now why sex was infrequent and made me feel like he wasn't attracted to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 326

You deserved it 141

TMI, DUDE!

By Anonymous - 16/10/2022 10:00

Today, it might be the day I ask my wife to peg me. Hope it goes well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 382

You deserved it 1 304

By Mary - 13/01/2013 15:49 - Czech Republic

Today, I decided to go to a UV-light party dressed all in white. Before leaving, my little brother dumped a glass of tomato juice over my head saying, "Now you look just like a used tampon!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 440

You deserved it 5 267

By Anonymous - 08/04/2011 23:42 - United States

Today, I was having some intense sex with my boyfriend. I was wailing so loud that my neighbors decided to call the police on us. According to them, it sounded like I was "being tortured to death". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 229

You deserved it 38 358

Breaking news

By helenablitz - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years has children. Not one, not two, but three. Not with one, two, but three women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 468

You deserved it 5 183

By thanksbabe - 12/01/2013 06:32 - United States

Today, after a week of intense fighting, my girlfriend of 4 years and I hung out. She told me she loved me, and I pointed out that last week she said she was going to dump me. Without missing a beat, she replied, "Only to scare you into submission." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 139

You deserved it 8 587

By Anonymous - 07/04/2011 17:32 - United States

Today, four hours before a test, I received an email from my professor saying that the test had been canceled. When I checked my email again before bed, I found another email from my professor saying that his email had been hacked and the test was was still on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 380

You deserved it 3 823

By fuck off, dad - 02/01/2014 17:07 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad is going through a midlife crisis. He now wants to be less like a dad and more like a "best friend" to me. This mainly involves him constantly texting me, sending me stuff on Snapchat, and saying stuff like "wicked cool", "bazinga", and "swag" every chance he gets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 251

You deserved it 4 801

Mean Girls

By 1nfected - 26/08/2009 17:07 - Canada

Today, when I arrived at work, I was greeted by my gorgeous coworker telling me my red shirt looked awesome on me. Before I could compliment her, she added that the color was fitting perfectly with my acne. I heard a couple of giggles around me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 445

You deserved it 3 643

By Mrs. Man - 02/02/2012 18:29 - United States

Today, a stranger told me how proud he was that my boyfriend and I were so open with our sexuality. For the past three years, most strangers have thought we're a pair of gay men. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 961

You deserved it 7 636

The gays

By kolgate - 15/02/2012 10:12 - United States

Today, I called my grandmother to wish her a happy Valentine's Day. She asked me if I had a date lined up. I didn't, and before I could explain why, she responded with, "Well, maybe all the other gays went on vacation!" Thanks Grandma, I'm not gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 714

You deserved it 3 174

Some friend

By Anonymous - 28/12/2013 20:07 - France - Sardieu

Today, my girlfriend informed me that our relationship is an open one. This was only after I was told that when she was "stuck in traffic" two days ago, she was actually playing the triple-X version of Twister in my "best friend's" bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 134

You deserved it 3 396

By areyoukiddingme - 07/01/2013 06:09 - United States

Today, I came out to my parents. They laughed in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 511

You deserved it 6 692

By Anonymous - 02/04/2011 21:05 - United States

Today, while shopping, I was grabbed and dragged off to a security room with no warning. Apparently, the way I was dressed and walking was suspicious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 565

You deserved it 5 077

Red tape

By OnReceivingEnd - 29/07/2021 06:01 - United States - Peoria

Today, I contacted the Unemployment Office. I was told that I needed to send additional information, then that the information had already been received, and that the case would be reviewed. For the fourth time. I've been out of work for three months, and haven't received a dime. FML

I agree, your life sucks 935

You deserved it 106

Box this!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Guelph

Today, a woman started giving me grief because we didn't have any Boxing Day sales. As I explained to her that dollar stores don't usually have sales, she tried to lamp me. It ended by her getting dragged out of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 130

You deserved it 2 861

Shit, dude

By Johnny on the Spot - 12/02/2009 17:19 - United States

Today, campus security called to inform me that my car had been in an accident. I rushed down to the security office to find most of the officers laughing. A portable john blew over on to my car and smashed my rear window. Now, security calls me "Port-A-Potty Guy," and my car smells like shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 436

You deserved it 2 322

By JoshuasGirl - 23/12/2013 19:13 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. After he'd repeatedly told me not to worry about bleeding, and reassuring me that he'd take care of me, he passed out halfway through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 144

You deserved it 6 464

By footscratching - 28/01/2012 06:27 - United States

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate for the first time in several months. Then we heard our son yelling from the other room needing my help. He needed me to scratch his foot because the cat was on his lap and he couldn't reach it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 608

You deserved it 4 501

By Ah - 08/03/2010 05:42 - France

Today, my boyfriend said we should re-enact a porn episode he saw. I jokingly said yes. He had an outfit and everything. I thought it was going to be fun, until he started playing Bon Jovi in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 866

You deserved it 6 371

By hungry - 12/02/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I had an eating problem because I've been eating less. I only started eating less because she told me I ate too much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 705

You deserved it 3 512

By ShiriSarah - 20/08/2009 14:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a video of myself filmed last night, hammered, climbing my wardrobe screaming, "I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA" while naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 358

You deserved it 187

By J - 11/02/2009 07:14 - United States

Today, at lunch I ordered a Coke. The waiter replied, "Diet Coke?" and I corrected him saying, "No, regular Coke." He shook his head and said again, "Diet Coke." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 212

You deserved it 8 862

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By MistofAvalon - 24/04/2020 14:00

Today, my cat woke me up announcing he was hungry by standing on my bedside table. This placed him both next to and above my head. Did he do this by meowing? Nope. Did he do it by tapping me with his little paw? Not that either. He sneezed all over my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 417

You deserved it 313

It's me!

By He who must not be named - 29/10/2022 02:00 - United States

Today, my mom struggled tried to say my name. She said my brother's name, my sister's, my dad's, my uncle's, and finally my cat's (who doesn't even have a human name) before she gave up and said, "You!" and pointed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 888

You deserved it 124

By ouch - 26/03/2011 02:27

Today, my cat fell into the bathtub while walking along the rim. This wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't in it at the time, and if my skin was immune to being sliced open by a frantic kitty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 240

You deserved it 5 460

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The Top

Today, as I was getting dressed for my big date, my cat pooped on my only shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 939

You deserved it 763

Today, a guy professed his love for me in front of my friends. The guy is my first cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 688

You deserved it 3 521

Today, I applied some things I learned reading a "How to please a woman" book. My wife was in heaven until it was over, then she started crying and yelling about the only way I would learn those things is if I was having an affair. I explained but she doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 087

You deserved it 2 662

Today, I woke up with a rash on my face after just getting over a bad cold. I was told by the doctor that it was a staph infection spread by wearing a face mask. The face mask I wore so people wouldn’t catch the cold from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 034

You deserved it 330

Today, I had an appointment to pull some wisdom teeth. I wrote the wrong time in my calendar. Showed up an hour late and they didn't pull the one tooth that actually hurts. Now I've got the pay for the time I was late, plus wait until November to pull the rest. I waited 5 months for this appointment due to the coronavirus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 779

You deserved it 1 375

Today, I came out as bisexual while we were in the car. My mom started crying behind the steering wheel, driving at 85 mph. She later told my dad, even though I asked her not to. My dad said, "Give it a month, he'll grow out of it." I realized I was bi 4 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 205

You deserved it 397