Bedtime

Today, it's 2am. I've been trying to get to sleep for the past two hours next to my snoring boyfriend. Every time I nudge him to shut him up, his body tenses, he farts, then goes straight back to snoring. FML

Tense

They're everywhere

A beautiful truck decoration

By Tired Girlfriend - 14/6/2017 22:00

3767

457

Today, I sent out an email asking people to contact me if they were not on our group's email list yet so that I could add them. I sent it out to the group list. They were quite amused. FML

By Dummas - 15/1/2017 12:00

3605

6006

Today, I was traveling. At airport security, the woman patting me down felt something "down there" and asked me what I was wearing. I told her it was a sanitary napkin. She put her hands inside my pants just to be sure. FML

By sufia - 29/9/2016 11:14 - Pakistan

15207

1150

Today, my work had an employee party at the park and I drank a little too much vodka. Towards the end of the party, I found myself making out with a tree in front of all my co-workers. FML

By whatislife1969 - 8/10/2017 04:30

1394

4675

Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. She pulls out a freezer bag full of condoms and says "I have some cooler ones upstairs, if you want his penis to glow in the dark." FML

By Anonymous - 7/3/2010 00:32 - United States

29717

4560

Today, I came home after ten hours at work to find my unemployed wife and 4 kids sprawled out watching TV waiting for me to get home and cook for them. I had to wash all the dishes first because they didn't feel like getting up or helping. FML

By justkillm3 - 13/5/2010 04:07 - United States

45011

9112

Today, I tried to let out a small fart in a crowded restaurant. I had diarrhea. I walked past several families to get to the bathroom and clean myself up, only to still go home with a huge wet spot down my ass. My shirt wasn't long enough to hide it. FML

By Morgan Bailey - 18/9/2018 14:00

2637

821

Today, I was talking to my sister-in-law on the phone. She brought up the family reunion last weekend and how my family is so strange. I didn't know there was a reunion, I wasn't invited. FML

By Anonymous - 3/9/2009 13:25 - United States

44192

2659

Today, I was teaching my one-year-old some new words. He pointed to the picture of the pig and said, "Mama". Guess I better start that diet. FML

By Courtney Micallef - 2/4/2020 08:00

Early learner

1410

277

Today, I found out what a bottle of regurgitated wine looks like on white bedsheets. FML

By Anonymous - 22/3/2012 14:59 - United States - Newark

18885

9745

Today, my puppy came into my room, and I cupped his head in my hands and bent down to kiss him. As I did, I realized that the part of his head I was kissing was covered in his own shit that he'd seemingly been rolling in. FML

By SHIT-BREATH - 5/6/2013 16:03 - United Kingdom - Chepstow

47406

15064

Today, my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger or eating an apple. He chose the apple. FML

By mugged - 20/3/2011 20:29 - United States

40306

4818

Today, my mom texted me and asked what I was up to. In response, I joked, "Dancing on the dining room table, waving dad's Calvin Klein's in the air, and shooting bullets into her bedroom floor." Not only did the cops show up, but now I'm grounded for two weeks for being, "deceptively believable." FML

By #goodbyelife - 9/12/2014 00:38 - United States

35843

6158

Today, I downloaded a movie that I already own on DVD, because I was feeling too lazy to get up and fetch it from the living room. I think I've hit rock bottom. FML

By lolo - 22/2/2013 00:16 - Israel - Ofaqim

12080

50098

Today, after almost a year of having threesomes with my “best friend” and her husband, they both confessed that neither of them actually even like me. They just went along with it because they thought it’s what the other wanted. Now they won’t even talk to me. FML

By anonymous - 6/3/2019 14:00

2423

765

Today, while eating dinner with my boyfriend, I look up to see him staring at me, smiling. Hoping he wanted to say how lucky of a man he was who loved me deeply, I asked him what he was thinking. He replied, "You can't smell that yet? It was a noxious one." FML

By KaiyaOtaku1 - 14/7/2014 23:48 - United States - Seattle

44755

6591

Today, my dad watched his first Lord of the Rings marathon. Now he keeps spouting lines from the movies, and thought it'd be funny to hide in my closet, just to jump out at me screaming, "My precious!" FML

By Anonymous - 2/6/2013 22:36 - United Kingdom - Grays

47900

7548

Today, I was so lonely, I wound up talking for two hours to the creep who calls my number every Friday night and makes creepy obscene breathing noises on the other end of the phone. Turns out he's a better listener than my husband. FML

By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 06:17 - United States

37633

5876

Today, I got trapped in a glass elevator at the mall. My father walked right by the elevator, laughed and went into a store. A fireman got me out. FML

By Anonymous - 5/7/2011 22:37 - United States

35719

3394

Today, I was talking to this boy I really like and we were laughing together, until I got this disgusting putrid smell. I started to say how awful the smell was and he stopped laughing to take a sniff too. As soon as he closed his mouth the smell was gone. FML

By ninalian - 22/5/2011 06:30 - United States

47058

4457

Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 20:13 - France

19702

46658

Today, I got to see my fiancé for the first time in 3 months. While we were having sex for the first time, he slipped out and slammed into the back of my vagina, tearing it open. Now I won't stop bleeding, it hurts to pee, and we can't have sex. I won't see him for another 2 months after this. FML

By Anonymous - 6/10/2018 21:00 - United States - Tallahassee

4734

435

Today, I held hands with the boy I like. Without thinking, I commented that his right hand is softer, as if he only used lotion on that one hand. And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence. FML

By Anonymous - 13/3/2013 04:57 - United States - Blue Springs

47587

17442

Today, I tried having intercourse with my boyfriend, and about 30 seconds in, I heard flipping. He was looking at a porn magazine. "It's to keep my erection" he answered. FML

By VampiresSayRawr - 28/3/2009 03:16 - Canada

98410

9753

Today, I got up at 5 am to bake a surprise birthday cake for my 16-year-old son. I put the cake on the table and went to call my son. "Surprise!" When I came back 30 seconds later, the cake was all gone and the dog was licking his lips. My son won't even believe I made a cake. FML

By Devotedmom - 10/1/2016 09:07 - Belgium - Li?ge

23942

3080

Today, my mother took my brand new PS4, which I haven't even played yet, and threw it out the window while I was at work. When I asked her why, she said she was mad that we didn't have any paper towels left. FML

By tsunami - 10/9/2018 03:30

Time to move out!

3677

219

Today, I was riding the train and someone farted. Everyone looked at me. People always blame farts on the fat guy. FML

By Banana - 4/12/2012 16:04 - Puerto Rico

33833

6872

Today, I found out that my mother cheated on my father. It turns out she had a drunken one night stand with the manager of the restaurant that my parents own and that I work at. The same manager I have been secretly sleeping with for over six months. FML

By Anonymous - 12/11/2009 06:27 - United States

30553

10338

Today, to prevent a fistfight at work, I had to mediate a contested debate between two coworkers on what was evidently a very touchy subject: Which is better, the orange creamsicle or the ice cream sandwich? I was the only one to get in trouble for wasting company time. FML

By geoduck - 10/2/2011 05:31 - United States

28607

4636

Today, my boss told me she had a nightmare where her life depended on me, and I let her die. Now I'm ridiculously paranoid that I'm going to get fired at any second. FML

By notahero - 9/1/2015 04:40 - United States - Brentwood

31219

2604

Today, my girlfriend had a complete breakdown. I was trying to calm her down and reassure her that she will accomplish all of her dreams. Her response: "Then why am I even with you?" FML

By stillloveherthough - 26/2/2016 17:54 - Germany - Aachen

23219

2007

Today, I fulfilled my lifelong dream of going on a family trip to Disneyland. Less than two hours in the park, my kids have been scared shitless by every single character, they don’t want to ride any rides, my husband is drunk and the mouse ears headband gave me a vomit-inducing migraine. FML

By Disney dashed - 23/9/2019 00:01

Not so Magic Kingdom

1730

264

Today, I asked my doctor out on a date. He had his nurse turn me down. FML

By MysticSoup - 21/4/2019 22:00 - United States - Carthage

1022

3616

Today, my boyfriend whipped out his proverbial notebook, where he obviously keeps notes of what I do and how I act during sex, and then grilled me about every single one of those things. Now I'm scared to do anything because I don't want to be interrogated about it later. FML

By WTFisMyLife - 8/5/2019 03:00

2424

267

Today, after complaining that I had nothing to write about in my weekly journal for college, my professor suggested in front of everyone that I should get a girlfriend. FML

By Anonymous - 3/10/2012 08:24 - United States

22811

6692

Today, after paying at the gas station, the cashier stuck out her hand, which was clenched into a fist. I thought she wanted a fist-bump, so I gave her one. She just stared back at me. Turns out she was just trying to give me my change. FML

By SarahNB - 1/3/2014 21:09 - United States - Salt Lake City

40977

16520

Today, after weeks of coming home to find my furniture all tipped over, thinking the place was haunted, and accepting my boyfriend's offers to come over and "comfort" me, I came home from work early. I found my boyfriend in the kitchen, kicking over all the chairs. FML

By Anonymous - 14/10/2012 17:03 - Estonia

23636

8627

Today, during jury duty, the shitbag who's accused of capital murder in our trial took the stand. The prosecution made him look like a total idiot. He got more and more flustered and eventually screamed at us that he'll have us killed if we find him guilty. I believe him. FML

By Anonymous - 5/6/2015 18:05 - United States - Haslet

29782

2594

Today, I had a wet dream. The problem was that I was dreaming about watching porn. I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

By damnit - 16/10/2009 17:27 - United States

25540

4217

Today, I snuck out of the house to go to a party. When I got back later, I tried climbing back up the rope-ladder I'd set up earlier, leading back through my bedroom window. I was halfway up when it broke free. I sprained both my ankles and had to shamefully ring the doorbell to get back in. FML

By groundedasfuck - 24/5/2014 20:24 - United States - Bessemer

25058

54998