Bedtime

Today, I was sitting in traffic for about an hour. I've heard stories about people doing the dirty in their cars and I never do anything risky so I thought, why not, I'll be here a while, no one can see me: I'll masturbate. Midway through I hear a tap on my driver's window. Its a police officer. FML

Instadrama

Boozehound

Nice neighborhood

By imanidiot - 3/3/2009 06:29 - United States

32168

151922

Today, my boyfriend's mum publicly shamed him on Facebook after she caught him having sex under her roof today. Everyone thought it was hilarious, except me. Not because I'm ashamed, but because I'm over 300 miles away right now. FML

By Anonymous - 10/5/2015 12:16 - United Kingdom - York

41098

2476

Today, I posted a Facebook status on how I hated the new Batman movie. I'm now single, and have received multiple threats. FML

By Deaththreat101 - 8/8/2012 20:39 - United States - Evanston

21291

44563

Today, I was at my job at an old folks home, and I was cleaning off a table when one old lady looks up at me and says "I've been a dirty dirty girl" in a seductive tone, I thought she meant about the table so I said "yes you have" then she winked at me, I walked away fast. FML

By Anonymous - 12/6/2009 07:53 - Canada

50668

9595

Today, after a lifelong struggle with suicidal depression and heroin abuse, I've been clean for six months. This is the healthiest I've been in ages, and naturally, I've gained weight. My whole family constantly talks about how I’ve let myself go, and how I should go back on heroin to be thin. FML

By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 04:00 - Australia - Brisbane

3091

121

Today, while working at my job in a luxury retail store, a woman left me a business card. It was for a plastic surgeon. FML

By Ugly_Broke_Medussssssa - 16/8/2018 01:30

2695

188

Today, my mom called and casually let me know she'd wrecked my iPad after putting it in the dryer with my bed sheets. FML

By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 02:53 - United States - Naples

34661

4586

Today, in the midst of sleep, my boyfriend hurled my cellphone across the room and into the wall because he couldn't be bothered to pick up or hang up an incoming call. FML

By Anonymous - 2/4/2012 19:42 - United States

22310

3305

Today, the weather man announced that today's forecast will include heavy rain and hail in my city. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal. However, my house has no roof at the moment. FML

By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 21:40 - Denmark

35037

4591

Today, I held the door open for someone and he said, "Thank you!" I said, "Thank you!" back. FML

By Anonymous - 27/7/2019 15:01 - United States - Pomona

1170

422

Today, I went to this meditation center which my mom suggested to get mental peace as I have been hating my job and life for some time now. I drove for an hour and then walked around in scorching Indian sun for 2 hours trying to locate the damn place. I got lost and returned home angrier than ever. FML

By zboy_123 - 23/8/2009 18:33 - India

36423

7117

Today, my bag got stolen with all of my belongings at the beach. After being forced to ask strangers for money, I then travelled home on the train for an hour, wearing only a bikini. FML

By Chelsea - 18/5/2013 08:57 - Australia - Perth

53491

5440

Today, I proudly presented my research project in class that I've worked for day and night for 3 weeks straight. My teacher fell asleep. FML

By Anonymous - 25/10/2011 01:29 - United States

28382

3518

Today, my ex, who I only dated for 3 months, told me the only reason why he dated me was because he thought my sister was hot, and he just wanted to get closer to her. So thank you for that. FML

By Willow McGarrigle - 4/6/2020 23:00

Manipulation

1194

Today, my mom cooked her dog some potatoes, carrots, beef, rice and peas. She cooks better food for her dog than she will for our family. FML

By iGreen - 9/7/2011 14:34 - Canada

35417

3591

Today, the nicest thing said to me all day was from my microwave that flashes 'enjoy your meal' when it finishes cooking something. FML

By bymyself - 7/2/2011 02:05

30545

3798

Today, I asked a hairdresser for an A-line bob. I was left with wavy bangs and hair, which is not A-line at all, it's 1 cm shorter on one side. She says she did my hair right, I just need to "style it properly." Not only is it fucked up, I later realised it's the EXACT same haircut as my mother-in-law's. FML

By Stigmamma - 13/5/2019 20:00

1583

192

Today, my boss continues to think it's appropriate to send me whining texts about work at midnight. Or 4 a.m. I think his complaints about not selling as much candy as he expected can wait till work hours. FML

By wantsleep - 28/12/2016 08:25

4637

304

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend taking a dump in the litter box. He said he wanted to know what it felt like for the cat. FML

By Anonymous - 23/10/2013 16:04 - Canada - Richmond

49364

5808

Today, I had a serious talk with my boyfriend about our relationship troubles. He stopped me in the middle of a sentence with a huge fart. FML

By Anonymous - 11/9/2012 19:16 - Sweden - Guayanilla

25207

4356

Today, I got a zero on my math test. My teacher was convinced that I had written the answers on my arm. No answers, just really thick, black arm hair. FML

By Sean - 9/10/2010 20:54 - United States

35369

3308

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones got so bad that she freaked out and threw a tantrum, accusing me of always making important decisions for her. All I did was get her some food from Taco Bell as a surprise. FML

By hubby - 8/10/2013 17:57 - United States

61442

5761

Today, my boss informed me that it is now my responsibility to wash the dishes, since my co-workers are consistently too lazy to clean up after themselves. I have a bachelor's degree. Which I earned at the same university I now work at. FML

By aeterne - 8/4/2009 06:08 - United States

54234

6035

Today, I decided to clear up some storm damage. I carefully cut a tree that was threatening to fall on my house. It fell on my neighbor's house instead. He's taking me to court for damages. FML

By Zinfandel - 7/8/2010 06:04 - United States

17124

36729

Today, while having some "personal" time, I felt intense pleasure and moaned. I learned that my own moaning prevents me from reaching my peak. I'm my own turn off. FML

By SelfServiced - 3/11/2014 01:31 - United States - San Francisco

41738

6551

Today, my fiancé's stepfather asked me how my teaching job was going. I replied heatedly that I've never taught, and then complained bitterly to my fiancé about how his family still doesn't know me. Turns out his stepfather has early onset dementia, and that I'm an asshole. FML

By inthefamily - 23/10/2012 13:29 - United States - Washington

10500

36088

Today, at my job as a cake decorator in a bakery, I put the finishing touches on the wedding cake of the man who left me at the altar 3 years ago. FML

By budapesthungary - 21/12/2009 05:16 - United States

49896

2781

Today, at 3:00 am, I sat with my 3 year-old adopted daughter while she tried to go back to sleep. She had had a nightmare, and I read that "not leaving" was the most important thing a father could do. My wife woke and called me a pervert for sitting there. FML

By me - 15/7/2009 08:02 - United States

69195

3312

Today, I went to a concert for the first time in 5 years. I got all dressed up and even ended up hanging out with the band. The night came to a screeching halt when I got a migraine and ended up in the ER vomiting non-stop. I was in the hospital all night. FML

By Meg93 - 26/6/2019 23:00

1778

147

Today, I found out that women have another hole that they pee out of. I'm 37. FML

By Jeff - 12/6/2019 14:00

646

2714

Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML

By TwiceDaily,Kids - 6/4/2012 00:41 - United States

27796

5092

Today, I went to a concert with my girlfriend. Turns out that bouncers don't think it's a problem for girls to go up on stage and make out with the musicians. FML

By Anothermoose - 26/5/2014 03:34 - United States - Victorville

48800

5810

Today, I showed my boyfriend a picture of me in what I thought was a sexy skintight dress. He responded by saying "it's ok, I went through a pudgy stage too". The picture was from Saturday night. FML

By Sam - 3/2/2009 22:38 - United States

32505

4234

Today, I awoke from a dream that I'd found an Arco gas station that had regular gas for $3.38. I actually went looking for it. FML

By maarkblack - 22/5/2013 14:51 - United States

42133

10775

Today, I was unbearably hungry, so I went to Wendy's, bought myself a Baconator and took it outside to eat on the patio. One bite in, I went back to grab a few napkins. Within seconds of my departure, a seagull snatched it up. FML

By theorifice - 16/6/2010 16:28 - Canada

16117

43131

Today, I lost control of my vehicle while driving. The car went off the road, rolled over, and ended up being totaled. The policeman asked me if I was alright and I said I was. He seemed relieved at my answer. Then he handed me a $300 ticket for failing to maintain my lane. FML

By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 19:18 - United States

23250

5978

Today, my girlfriend of three days asked if we could start naming our future children. FML

By spermbankonlegs - 16/3/2012 02:21 - United States

36498

4835

Today, while rushing to a big marketing presentation, I started feeling ill in my car. I was stuck in traffic, and before I could get my window open I threw up all over my suit. All I had were some tissues to try to clean the mess before presenting to a full boardroom. FML

By MondayonaTuesday - 15/9/2017 20:00

3479

295

Today, I got demonic gastric distress while taking my final college exam. I only got about 50% of it done, left the classroom 50% faster, and experienced both 50% dread and 50% relief. Now I have to repeat 50% of the class. FML

By all shat out - 7/11/2014 06:53 - New Zealand - Auckland

33447

4179

Today, I was told by my girlfriend that in the thralls of my drunken haze last night, I tried to French-kiss her mom. FML

By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 20:21 - United States

10356

37523