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By wrongplacewrongtime - 22/02/2013 06:12 - United States - San Antonio

Spicy

Today, l took my new boyfriend to the place where my ex and I used to hook up, only to find out that my ex and his new girl had the same idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 909

You deserved it 58 305

Yummy

By ohnolunch - 05/03/2009 20:12 - United States

Today, I came back to my apartment to see that my roommate had left out bread, deli meat, and cheese on the counter, so I made myself a sandwich. When she came back, she informed me that she found bugs in the fridge and took out all the food she thought would be contaminated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 772

You deserved it 15 992

Little darling

By Anonymous - 21/05/2016 04:27 - Australia - Clayton

Today, I babysat a kid who was such a bratty little prick that I actually considered walking out on the job. After his mom finally got home 4 hours later, he called her a slut. When he got in trouble for it, he claimed that I taught him the word. Needless to say, I didn't get paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 170

You deserved it 895

Best seat in the house

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Norway

Today, a truck rear-ended my car and drove off. I could see everything from my office, everything except his license plate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 701

You deserved it 1 949

Wanking to death

By Anonymous - 30/11/2013 00:17 - United States - Alpharetta

Spicy

Today, I was rubbing one out in the shower. I guess I got a little too excited, because as I came close to climaxing, I had a serious asthma attack and had to wheeze for help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 779

You deserved it 12 441

By hrmpf - 19/01/2016 14:37 - Germany - Bremen

Today, I went to the hairdresser for the first time in the country I just moved to. Guess I don't speak the language as well as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 012

You deserved it 2 971

Farmville

By unwilling redneck - 24/05/2013 22:48 - United States

Today, my uncle drove to my house in his tractor, beer in one hand, and a radio strapped to the dash blasting country music at unimaginable volume. Neither of us live on a farm. Half the neighborhood stood angrily glaring at us until we went inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 538

You deserved it 4 605

Get it done

By actionboy116 - 21/07/2015 06:05 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, while working as a cart attendant, I found one of my coworkers on a lawn chair sipping on a Bud Light in the parking lot, while we both were supposed to be working, leaving me to push carts by myself. My boss comes out to me catching my breath and tells me to work harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 569

You deserved it 1 998

By sadlysingle - 21/02/2014 08:04 - United States - Rockwall

Spicy

Today, I received a response to my perfectly straightforward online dating profile: "How about changing a dirty diaper, mommy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 750

You deserved it 6 004

By why me - 29/06/2016 04:41 - United States - Milford

Today, I bought a brand new Wii U. My cat must have thought the wires looked tasty because he chewed through each of them, which will now cost me another $100. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 408

You deserved it 1 925

By Anonymous - 08/09/2009 20:48 - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because a coworker had seen me reading magazines on the job. That same coworker was the one who offered me the magazine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 155

You deserved it 7 940

By Anonymous - 17/12/2013 17:20 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I came home after a long day at work, and decided to tidy up a bit before finally settling down to relax. I went to take the garbage out, when the bag split and out fell the trash along with hundreds of tiny red ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 167

You deserved it 3 292

By tannerrosetx_1 - 06/04/2015 11:44 - United States - Irving

Today, I was pickpocketed. I didn't realize until I stopped to get breakfast. I went back home to see that my dog had taken my wallet and had ripped and torn it up. I was pickpocketed by my own dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 153

You deserved it 3 729

By Anonymous - 04/04/2015 12:42 - United States - Clifton Park

Today, I was forced into accepting a "promotion" for a position that pays less than what I get right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 264

You deserved it 3 092

Tasty treat

By empress gleskizor the third of glarkon - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I was eating an onion bagel and bit down on something hard. At first I thought was a really hard piece of onion. The "onion" turned out to be a tooth, and it wasn't one of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 959

You deserved it 1 370

By Brit - 16/12/2011 08:50 - Reserved

Today, two American guys attacked me for not speaking their language. I'm from England, and they said I'm speaking my own language wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 367

You deserved it 6 873

By Anonymous - 04/03/2016 16:47 - United States - Suwanee

Today, I had so much skin peeling off my lips that it got caught in my fork as I was eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 267

You deserved it 5 510

It wasn't me

By Anon - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Modesto

Today, I got detention at school because a girl told the principal I was stalking her on campus. I wasn't stalking her, we just have very similar schedules. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 536

You deserved it 1 777

By ForeverAlone - 22/09/2015 21:40 - Ukraine

Today, there was a big party at my workplace. The only person that was socializing with me in any way was my co-worker's 4-year-old daughter. Before leaving, she drew smiley faces on plastic plates and napkins and gave them to me so I "will have some friends and not be all alone." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 514

You deserved it 1 968

The gift

By bubblensuds1 - 28/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, someone left a used condom under the windshield wiper of my car. I didn't notice it until I was driving. And it was raining. It was even tied, so the contents couldn't leak out. I'm not planning artificial insemination anytime soon, but thanks for the thought. Man, I love college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 833

You deserved it 3 104

By Anonymous - 21/08/2015 01:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by offering me a foot massage to ease my sore feet after a run. I asked for a lot of pressure. Now I'm back home in a walking boot after being diagnosed with a fractured fifth metatarsal bone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 599

You deserved it 5 422

By NotJobbing - 11/08/2015 23:05 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my lazy bastard of a co-worker punched me straight in the jaw because he didn't get the promotion I did. Being his new manager, I fired him. A few hours later, I was fired for "abusing" my power. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 482

You deserved it 3 161

By HappyBirthdayISuppose - 01/04/2013 05:03 - United States - Westminster

Today, for my birthday, the only "gift" my parents gave me was the gift of choice: I got to choose which one of them I'll be living with after their upcoming divorce. This was the first time I'd heard anything about a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 133

You deserved it 2 381

Genius

By Anonymous - 25/04/2014 21:42 - United States - Red Bank

Today, my dad and I got into an argument. When I was proven wrong, he said, "Good job, genius." I shot back the first thing that popped into my head, which was "I am NOT a genius!" He laughed and says that if I die before him, he's having that engraved on my tombstone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 533

You deserved it 14 402

DIY FML

By Anonymous - 02/04/2012 03:59 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my dad told me it would be fine to use the mounting tape he'd bought to place paintings up in my newly painted room. I did, but after deciding I wanted to move a painting and pulling it off the wall, the wall came with it. Back to square one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 917

You deserved it 5 789

By WheatiesMan - 15/06/2016 10:52

Today, I'm on a class trip to Washington DC. Last night, my roommate took a shower, and I decided that I would take one in the morning. This morning, I found out after I got out of the shower that my roommate used one towel for drying himself, and the other for a mat. He didn't hang either of them up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 027

You deserved it 1 286

By technodont - 11/05/2015 14:37 - United States

Today, my rental car had an automatic rear hatch. That sounded helpful until I used it and it emptied $60 in just-purchased groceries for the week on the parking lot pavement. The jars and jugs weren't ready for the leap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 309

You deserved it 4 360

Snoopy

By poorbeauty - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Canada - Toronto

Today, my sister found and read my journal. My first entry talked about how I shaved my ass for the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 731

You deserved it 2 913

By lorb101 - 29/04/2015 15:34 - Australia - Mount Waverley

Today, after recently getting my car fully serviced and fixed, the horn has decided to spontaneously beep. To stop the beeping I have to press the horn hard, making it look like I'm purposely doing it to piss people off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 978

You deserved it 2 337

lorb101 tells us more.

lorb101 9

Thursday 30 April 2015 16:54

I booked in next week to get it looked at- hopefully it behaves until then!! It just gets super awkward because I'm a 22 year old female and so not the usual candidate for a cheeky drive by beeping!! Thanks for all your concern guys!! Xxx

By epicvixen - 15/03/2015 21:12 - Canada - Richmond

Today, while driving, I saw someone's hubcap blowing away behind me on the highway. I thought it was funny and sort of chuckled to myself. Later I realized it was my hubcap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 779

You deserved it 27 296

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was washing my hair in the shower when the water went ice cold. It's 20 degrees outside and we have soft water which takes a longer time to wash away soap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 548

You deserved it 2 910

Today, one of the kids I was babysitting tried to hard boil eggs using the microwave. You cannot hard boil eggs using the microwave. It makes a mess. This we have learned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 591

You deserved it 22 876

Today, despite my protests and warnings, my mother-in-law decided to chemically straighten my bi-racial daughter’s very curly hair. Hours later, not only is her scalp is raw and red, her hair is stringy completely fried and coming out in huge noticeable clumps. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 4 056

You deserved it 350

Today, I went on a first date. It started out OK, but halfway through he began "debating" me, talking just like Ben Shapiro. I thought he was joking, or at least satirising the worst way you could talk during a date. I was wrong; he was serious. I'm still not sure what set him off, but I couldn't get a word in edgeways in after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 248

You deserved it 287

Today, my cousin died of a very treatable illness. She was pressured into herbal and holistic "faith healing" instead of seeking "poisonous western filth". Her husband, church and family all seem to think she made the right choice. I’ve been shunned for disagreeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 510

You deserved it 106

Today, my wife tried to forbid me from going to the gym anymore because in public she looks fat stood next to me and it’s embarrassing. She picked me up from the gym yesterday and saw all the “thin gym sluts” I prefer to spend my time with instead of her. God, I’m sick of her lazy jealous BS. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 306

You deserved it 326