By Anonymous - United States - Red Bank

Genius

Today, my dad and I got into an argument. When I was proven wrong, he said, "Good job, genius." I shot back the first thing that popped into my head, which was "I am NOT a genius!" He laughed and says that if I die before him, he's having that engraved on my tombstone. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

F*** my overweight life

Facts over feelings

By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, my mom kissed me goodbye before I went to a big job interview. I got weird looks on the way there, but I figured it was just because I look like a massive douche in formal wear. Turns out my mom had smeared lipstick all over my chin. The person who finally let me know was my interviewer. FML

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By Vivi - 14/7/2021 18:01

Asshat

Today, my soon-to-be-ex-husband decided to bring our four kids over to tell them we were splitting up, and to make them choose who they want to live with, because "Mommy’s been a nagging bitch." He left out that the "nagging bitch" caught him having an affair the night before. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out why I get so red all over at parties. Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol. FML

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By WHY - United States - Fairfax

Today, I planned on "breaking up" with my best friend by confessing my love for her, hoping she would feel different and move on. She reciprocated. FML

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By the poor man - Australia - Perth

Today, at a party that was pretty big, I thought it would be funny to photobomb a photo. In doing so, I slipped over and snapped my arm in. I may now have to get surgery. The good thing is I made a hell of a photobomb. FML

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By Big B - United States

Today, I was at the strip club. I put my dollar on the stage. When the stripper came over to take it, she stood me up and flipped my tits and said I had bigger ones than her. I'm a guy. FML

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By FML4evs - United States

Pete Townshend has a lot to answer for

Today, my little brother watched an old video of The Who, who are know for smashing up their guitars and such. He decided it would be cool to try it with mine. That guitar was worth over $3000. FML

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By good_job_john - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while fingering my girlfriend in the dark, I tried to be sexy and licked my fingers. After we turned the lights back on, we realized that her period had come early. FML

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By JAMjessie - United States

Today, I found out that my boss's ex-husband is my company manager. They are one office space apart and constantly shouting about one another. I'm in that one office space between them. In the office across from me? Their daughter. FML

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By HAIRY - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was hanging out with some of my friends when I fell asleep. When I woke up, I found that they had shaved the F word into my arm. I don't know what is more disturbing: the fact that this is what my friends do for fun, or that I have enough arm hair to have four letters shaved into it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ridgewood

Today, I saw a homeless man on the street and decided to give him the dollar bill I had left in my wallet. He said "Thank you" then as I turned to walk away, he muttered "Cheap-ass cunt". FML

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By Miramichi - Canada

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he pees on the toilet seat just to piss me off. FML

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By Anonymous

Amazon addict

Today, I found out my husband spent us into overdraft charges through compulsive online shopping. Again. FML

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By Damnit - United Kingdom

Today I noticed a large crack in my windscreen. 2 weeks after getting it replaced. The warranty doesn't cover cracks. Several attempts were needed to replace it last time for reasons like losing the new windscreen and telling me they can't make it that day and turning up any way after going out. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head against the wall. FML

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By Nursr187

Today, my wife asked me to back up all the photos and videos from our desktop computer so I synced it with my Google account. Every graphic picture and video my wife and I have ever exchanged was sent to all 3 of our children's tablets. My daughter cried all night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I threw an elaborate surprise birthday party for my boyfriend of four years. He thought we were going to a quiet dinner but when we arrived, thirty of his friends jumped out and surprised him. Instead of kissing me to thank me, he broke up with me because of how easily I had lied to him. FML

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By starley - United States

Today, my husband of 3 years, who I have a 1 year old daughter with, told me he wants a divorce, but who knows, maybe in the future we can "date." FML

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By creepedout - United States - San Francisco

Today, I received a text with my last name spelled wrong. A short conversation revealed he got my number from me, through Tinder. I don't have an account, but he insisted he knew that I like it 'hard and rough'. He knew my first name. I still don't know how he got my phone number or name. FML

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By hypebeast - United States

Today, I posted on a forum asking if I could be a moderator. Instead, I got banned. FML

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By DyingOfShame - United Kingdom

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend whilst on the train home from spending the weekend with him at his grandparents' house. It said, 'Gran says to tell you that the bin beside the toilet is actually for storing spare shampoos and toothbrushes, so could you not put your tampons in it next time?' FML

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By sad-sexed - Australia

Today, I was lying on my bed with my boyfriend. I didn't really want to have sex so I told him I would if he really wanted too, but I wouldn't enjoy it. He then started to undo my pants. FML

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By tooembarrassed - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was cuddling with the man I've been seeing, and he started caressing the mammoth of all pimples on my back. He continued fondling me while lecturing me on the dangers of skin cancer. FML

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By IHaveATypeAparently - 25/7/2021 06:01

Cursed

Today, I found out one of my exes is trans. I’m very happy for her, but I’m starting to think I have the wrong type, as I have had 3 ex-boyfriends come out as gay and 3 come out at trans right after breaking up. I really hope my current boyfriend doesn’t have a secret. FML

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By brutality - Canada

Today, I saw a few old co-workers at the bar. They recognized me and started calling me by the nickname they had for me that I was unaware of. It appears I was known as "butch megan" by the entire office for 2 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend emailed me this morning to let me know that he had forwarded the joke that I had sent to him to all of his workmates and friends. He was quickly given the heads-up by one of his friends that all of our intimate emails from the day were also included. I'm dating a dumbass. FML

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By weezer - United States

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me in the bathroom. That's how he found out that I wax my nipples. FML

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By - Australia - Bonnyrigg

Our secretive

Today, my mom is 44 years old, and she is cheating on my dad with my friend who is 19. And she's paying me to keep her secret. FML

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By single and hatless - United States - Wilmington

Today, my 2 year relationship ended when my boyfriend accused me of stealing his beanie hat. FML

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By booste - Canada

Today, I was written up because my manager heard me insulting a customer. How did I insult her? I called her grandma. Who did I say this to? My grandma. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to use my epilator on my eyebrows. Needless to say I now have the eyebrow equivalent of a comb-over. FML

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By PillPopperApparently

Today, after constantly shaming me for my ADHD and anti-anxiety pills, my family finally convinced me to drop $250 on their trusted psychiatrist friend because they thought he’d talk me out of taking them. He recommended higher doses of everything. FML

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By fuq - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my wife allowed my mother-in-law to move in with us. She believes the government spies on her in the shower, and that the Prime Minister is a shape-shifting lizard who wants to microchip us all. I have to live with this psychotic wench until someone is desperate enough to employ her. FML

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By deadmedia - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that I could not be her maid of honour because I "wasn't as pretty as the other bridesmaids" and she wanted her wedding photos to have "consistency". FML

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By MegaZeo - United States - Livermore

Today, I could not decide what was sadder: the fact that I have to work on New Year's Eve, or that fact that working on New Year's Eve is still the most exciting thing I've ever done for New Year's Eve. FML

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By really - Australia

Today, after telling my boss about my hearing problem, she simply told me to "listen harder". FML

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By lonely dreams - United States - Reno

Today, I have been single and out of the game for so long that instead of having real wet dreams, I now dream about jacking off. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while sorting through my deceased mother's hoard of belongings, I found myself holding a necklace composed entirely of teeth. Human teeth. FML

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By carpetoops - United Kingdom

Today, I spilt purple washing detergent all over my white carpet. Desperate to get it up I grabbed a blue towel and started mopping it up. The detergent hasn't stained the carpet at all, the blue dye from the towel has. FML

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Top comments

By NessaMae | 19

#5926175 - Saturday 26 April 2014 5:15

Word vomit, gotta love it. Think about your comebacks before you say them, it usually never comes out right when you just blurt it out.

By Razi_tail | 25

#5926191 - Saturday 26 April 2014 5:21

You are never going to live that one down! :P

COMMENTS

By SgtAssCheeks | 21

#5926173 - Saturday 26 April 2014 5:15

All's well that ends well! YDI.

Reply

IloveToLaugh143 | 21

#5926262 - Saturday 26 April 2014 6:15

What?

Reply

CobraLazerFace | 21

#5926620 - Saturday 26 April 2014 16:17

I think this FML ends with OPs death.

Reply

tr3vvv | 9

#5927453 - Sunday 27 April 2014 9:05

Or #1's death jk ;)

By NessaMae | 19

#5926175 - Saturday 26 April 2014 5:15

Word vomit, gotta love it. Think about your comebacks before you say them, it usually never comes out right when you just blurt it out.

Reply

OptimusVader | 23

#5926259 - Saturday 26 April 2014 6:11

Could've been a Freudian slip though!

Reply

warsun | 27

#5926358 - Saturday 26 April 2014 8:38

Except when we do think of good comebacks or amazing ones, it's been atleast 2 hours after the arguement

Reply

lizzy_r_b_94 | 18

#5927186 - Sunday 27 April 2014 2:22

Or when your trying to getting sleep at night

By Razi_tail | 25

#5926191 - Saturday 26 April 2014 5:21

You are never going to live that one down! :P

Reply

cumberbunny | 17

#5926412 - Saturday 26 April 2014 11:20

...pun?! Good one!!

Reply

spidey_awesome | 14

#5926867 - Saturday 26 April 2014 19:34

not even when he dies

By thatnucca | 36

#5926192 - Saturday 26 April 2014 5:21

Think before you speak could go for second best on that tombstone...

By rkdstp1995 | 25

#5926194 - Saturday 26 April 2014 5:22

5 stars. at least you proved yourself right...

By baseballdude1283 | 18

#5926199 - Saturday 26 April 2014 5:24

This needs to be illustrated

Reply

cosmicriver | 17

#5931428 - Thursday 1 May 2014 5:17

I agree, #7. This post would make for an outstanding, and interesting illustration.

By tbro47 | 23

#5926202 - Saturday 26 April 2014 5:25

The downfall of every genius. Diarrhea of the mouth.

Reply

IloveToLaugh143 | 21

#5926254 - Saturday 26 April 2014 6:05

It's explosive.

By datguy69s | 21

#5926205 - Saturday 26 April 2014 5:26

Then don't die before him!!

Reply

oddities | 20

#5926216 - Saturday 26 April 2014 5:33

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#5926377 - Saturday 26 April 2014 9:26

Well it would be fairly easy for OP to ensure that his father is the first to die....

.... Even if that option lands OP in jail....

By IllestRated | 17

#5926207 - Saturday 26 April 2014 5:26

Out live him and engrave the same thing

By nonononononono_fml | 16

#5926209 - Saturday 26 April 2014 5:29

I think you just proved your point.