Health: Today, my coworker asked me if I was on a diet for my New Year's... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 291

You deserved it 72

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 128

You deserved it 1 138

05/01/2015 06:08

Today, my coworker asked me if I was on a diet for my New Year's resolution. When I said no, she replied, "Why not?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 437

You deserved it 4 373

Our house, in the middle of our street

Good kid

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Defeated

By Anonymous - 01/07/2012 23:08

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were in bed making out. He then tried to unhook my bra. After a full minute of trying unsuccessfully, he shouted "Fuck you, bra!" before hiding his face in the pillows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 035

You deserved it 5 425

29/11/2009 07:13

Today, my grandson asked how old I am and whether I'd seen Mammoths "for real" when I was a kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 012

You deserved it 4 483

06/02/2009 22:40

Today, I noticed a prospective employer I had been networking with changed her last name on her e-mail signature. I wished the aquaintence congratulations on her new marriage. Her divorce was finalized this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 663

You deserved it 25 688

07/02/2013 09:51

Today, while using a public restroom to change my tampon, I made eye contact with someone looking at me through the little space in the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 103

You deserved it 2 782

29/07/2015 03:04

Today, I had to wait thirty minutes after closing to check out a lady who was purchasing 20 different styles of curtains. I asked what she would be doing with them all, and she replied that she would be bringing 19 of them back tomorrow, as she didn't know which would match. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 020

You deserved it 1 850

04/04/2011 20:42

Today, I was walking home through the slush and snow when a car drove by, soaking me with dirty water. Frustrated, I flipped him off. He then turned around and splashed me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 209

You deserved it 22 320

Lightweight

By Anonymous - 13/05/2020 14:00

Today, I have a hangover. From one small glass of pink Cava. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 021

You deserved it 390

14/06/2012 20:40

Today, my morning sickness was so bad that I threw up everywhere, just from thinking about the pretend meal that a kid had made for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 339

You deserved it 2 690

27/06/2012 23:28

Today, I confronted my daughter about the various drug-associated items I found in her room. She then confronted me about going in her room and invading her privacy, to the point where I forgot the main issue and apologised to her. I just got outsmarted by a teenage pothead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 300

You deserved it 43 411

11/03/2019 18:00

Today, I was painting the bathroom door post. A drop of paint fell on the toilet roll. Guess how I found out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 972

You deserved it 368

21/10/2011 18:58

Today, it took me and my husband three hours to put our new book shelves together. It took our cat all of three seconds to knock it all down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 767

You deserved it 5 392

27/12/2010 03:40

Today, after finally dropping my weight from an overweight 200 to a slim 135, my skin is now loose everywhere, and stretches about two inches out on my stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 772

You deserved it 6 874

07/08/2009 08:55

Today, I had a seizure at my boyfriend's. The second I began to seize, he cursed and picked me up, dropping me on the floor complaining "Now I have to clean the damn couch." I had urinated because I had no control over my body. The couch is still stained. He dumped me for ruining his furniture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 010

You deserved it 7 581

14/05/2015 22:17

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he was dating me. He replied, "Well, there's not a lot of options at this college." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 567

You deserved it 4 824

19/12/2015 14:30

Today, I spent the only money I had left for lunch only to take two bites before a seagull snatched my burger from my hands. I had to shamefully start walking back to work with a pair of girls laughing at me and an empty stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 220

You deserved it 1 829

17/04/2013 06:14

Today, I learned two things. First, my girlfriend loves sex. Second, I'm practically the only one she hasn't had sex with in the 2 months we've been dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 393

You deserved it 6 063

29/04/2014 22:58

Today, my coworkers decided to throw me a surprise baby shower. I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 474

You deserved it 5 543

28/07/2010 17:38

Today, at work, I was talking to a customer. She kept shaking her head "no" at everything I said. I asked what she was disagreeing with. She told me she has Parkinson's Disease, teared up, and asked to speak to my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 535

You deserved it 7 475

26/07/2019 22:00

Today, I was having trouble sleeping, and I was almost asleep when I got a call from one of those spam places. They left a voicemail, which I made the mistake of listening to. The voice was so slowed down, it was very creepy, especially late at night. I don't think I'll be sleeping at all tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 323

You deserved it 309

14/09/2016 03:49

Today, my younger brother complained yet again of soreness in his wrist. Frustrated with his constant whining, my mother turned to him and snapped, 'Well, what have you been using it for all this time then!?' The awkward silence of realisation for them both won't go away anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 485

You deserved it 1 263

Make your mind up

By Jason Brazil - 13/08/2019 14:00

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because I'm unproductive, and haven't been doing anything. He doesn't tell me what to do, and expects me to read his mind. When I ask him what he wants me to do, he gets pissed and says that I should already know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 779

You deserved it 414

Bed move

By wellokthen - 26/11/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, my friend sent me a link to a porn video. The guy in it was my boyfriend, the girl in it wasn't me, but they were in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 930

You deserved it 256

24/08/2015 04:25

Spicy

Today, my husband and I locked our keys in the car. Our only spare is in the drawer with all our sex toys. So we either had to get our oldest go in the drawer and get them to bring to us or walk the 12 miles home. My feet will never recover from that walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 001

You deserved it 27 032

Oh no!

By AnnoyedandAutistic - 01/06/2017 02:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were eating breakfast at my strict Christian grandparent's house when he said that it was impossible for anyone bigger than a grapefruit to be swallowed by a whale. My grandmother asked him, "What about Jonah?" to which he replied, "Oh, that's just a myth." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 929

You deserved it 608

29/09/2018 14:00

Today, I met my daughter's first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 564

You deserved it 255

06/06/2016 16:51

Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, the strange cat that has adopted me inexplicably made its way into my house and curled up next to my head while I slept. I'm horribly allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 270

You deserved it 1 568

23/11/2013 00:16

Today, my boyfriend got on one knee and started talking about how we met. Knowing what was coming, I started tearing up, absolutely sure he was going to propose. Just as I was about to say yes, he quickly stood up and yelled "HAH, JUST KIDDING". FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 304

You deserved it 6 161

11/04/2013 17:16

Today, my racist, homophobic, generally degenerate grandmother visited. Within 20 minutes, she uttered multiple racial slurs, said Robert Downey Jr. will burn in hell for playing a black man in one of his movies, and yelled that she'd "whip the piss" out of me, after I asked her to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 628

You deserved it 6 163

28/02/2017 14:00

Today, while doing a project on income, my teacher told me there are no houses in Japan. I told her I lived in Mitaka for 3 years and that I lived in a house there. She told me I was bullshitting. So much for quality education. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 762

You deserved it 368

17/01/2010 05:25

Today, I learned that when you put duct tape over your mouth because you are bored, it really hurts taking it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 231

You deserved it 69 652

13/11/2012 02:47

Today, I found my childhood diary stashed in a box in the attic. I flipped to the last page and noticed a little note written by my now deceased father. It read, "Well son, this diary proves that you're a whiny asshole - Dad." Thanks Dad, from beyond the grave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 405

You deserved it 4 477

16/02/2010 20:46

Today, I learned the reason they say don't keep your phone in high humidity places. I left my phone on the counter when I went to take a shower. It now won't turn on due to water damage and the warranty doesn't cover it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 207

You deserved it 36 116

31/03/2009 15:35

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with this girl I met in stats class when my roommate walked in. He started applauding and said, "$20 bucks for me! I knew you weren't gay!" Him and my other roommate had a bet. They are my best friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 705

You deserved it 8 733

20/09/2015 15:23

Today, I accidentally farted at a board meeting. My boss thought it came from the guy sitting next to me and gave him hell for being a pig. I was too mortified to say anything, even when the guy blamed it on me, which caused my boss to rage at him for lying and then to kick him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 756

You deserved it 12 034

27/10/2009 13:32

Today, I received the newspaper from my hometown. My ex-husband's wedding announcement and picture were on the front page. His new wife has the same first name as me. All my Facebook friends from high school commented on how much weight I've lost and how good I look in my wedding photo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 570

You deserved it 3 536

24/09/2011 23:01

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend, the girl I completely love, is now dating my father. She tried giving me the "I know I'm not your mother..." speech. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 684

You deserved it 3 000

A very compassionate defence…

By Jennifer - 19/05/2021 22:01

Today, I’ve been summoned to court because I found some homeless people living in a house I bought to renovate, and my brothers and I threw them out. Apparently even though it’s my property, they had some bullshit squatters rights. I can’t believe the courts are taking their complaint seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 122

You deserved it 328

14/12/2011 03:45

Today, I took a poop that was three states of matter. Solid, liquid, and gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 705

You deserved it 7 857

The customer is always an ass

By Anonymous - 06/12/2012 23:50

Today, I was yelled at by a customer, who was upset over having waited twenty minutes for a waiter to come take her order. Maybe it would be understandable, if she was sitting in an actual restaurant, and not a serve-yourself coffee house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 303

You deserved it 1 611

24/03/2013 23:21

Spicy

Today, my roommates decided to hold an intervention. They told me I would have to break up with my boyfriend because they don't want people having sex in our apartment during college exams. My boyfriend agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 953

You deserved it 5 732

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Top comments

netflixislove 32

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Monday 5 January 2015 16:21

What an asshole…

KhaleesiDannie 26

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Monday 5 January 2015 16:30

You should ask her if her New Years resolution is keeping her nose out of peoples business

Comments

netflixislove 32

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Monday 5 January 2015 16:21

What an asshole…

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Monday 5 January 2015 16:28

From the dawn of humanity, until present day, bitches will unfortunately exist every year.

underthesea12 24

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Monday 5 January 2015 17:00

Maybe she was just concerned about her health.

Ichiya 29

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Monday 5 January 2015 18:03

In today's society it is considered almost mandatory for women to have dieting as a New Years resolution. Maybe she was genuinely confused why the op wasn't conforming.

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Monday 5 January 2015 18:17

And yet that makes it no less rude.

ob81 8

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 13:44

Not women in general.

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Monday 5 January 2015 16:21

first! ?

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Monday 5 January 2015 16:24

Former friend?

sweetnsourrr 11

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Monday 5 January 2015 16:30

well..she didn't say that was her friend. lol

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Monday 5 January 2015 16:24

So much for being indirect. Don't worry OP, diets are for wannabes anyway.

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Monday 5 January 2015 19:28

Or for people who want to lose weight and be healthy.

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Monday 5 January 2015 19:34

instead of going on a diet that does absolutely nothing (if it does, you'll probably gain it back), you should CHANGE your diet. there's a difference. personal choice if you want to though.

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Monday 5 January 2015 21:17

Don't forget that exercise also helps!

False_Stupidity 41

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Monday 5 January 2015 23:51

Diets are for losers :)

lyricalservant 21

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Monday 5 January 2015 16:28

She could be jealous of you if not she won't make you feel miserable abt yrself

KhaleesiDannie 26

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Monday 5 January 2015 16:30

You should ask her if her New Years resolution is keeping her nose out of peoples business

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Monday 5 January 2015 16:31

"Is your New Years resolution to be more of a nosy bitch? If so, nailing it."

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Monday 5 January 2015 16:31

because you fucktards stress me out, so i eat food instead of your soul. now back the fuck off biatch! *this would be my imaginary response.

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Monday 5 January 2015 22:57

What would your real response be?

Cass_x 22

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Monday 5 January 2015 16:33

"Because I'm feeling fucking fantastic! Thank you for your concern."

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Monday 5 January 2015 16:37

Don't listen to people like that if you have no problem with your weight and don't need to change it for health reasons it shouldn't be an issue.