Animals: Today, I was woken up by my dog touching my foot, so I tried... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Bedford

Today, I was woken up by my dog touching my foot, so I tried to push it away. Then I realized that I'd kicked my girlfriend in the face. FML

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Triage

Casual something

Recycling helps

By Noname - United States

Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML

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By Dentedbumper

Today, I tried to back my car into my parking space while some of my neighbors were out by their cars. I accidentally rammed into the retaining wall behind my spot. I was hoping the neighbors didn't notice the huge crunching sound, but they did. FML

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By Tempted to hide a fish under the floor - United States - Fairbanks

Today, I marked 3 weeks since meeting my crazy new landlady. Apparently I can't use the dishwasher because "there's no soap", can't bring the trash cans into the garage to keep the bears from getting it, and have to sweep before the cleaning service comes because "it's not their job". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my friends that I'd gotten a paid position to cover a worker's bereavement leave for the next three weeks. They then called me an insensitive bitch for 'profiting from someone else's misfortune'. FML

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By Dina - France

Today, whilst chatting with my mum on MSN, she unintentionally sent me an animated emoticon of a penis jerking off repeatedly. I don't even want to know the type of conversation she was having. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tulsa

Today, my cat attempted to make up for my insomnia with a dead mouse. I have no idea where he got it. FML

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By erianne

Today, the neighbors heard a blood curdling scream and called the cops, thinking I was being murdered. Nope. I just stubbed my toe. FML

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By bluebride - United States

Today, I got married. My mother told me to stop being difficult, because she was the mother of the bride, and it was her day to shine. FML

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By Big bootay

Today, while at a restaurant, my 4 year old son pointed to a lady and exclaimed “Mom, her butt is even bigger than yours!” FML.

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By sounds good mom - United States - Katy

Today, my mom took away my car, phone, dog, laptop and college fund because I told her she lets me down sometimes. I'm moving to Arizona for college in two weeks. FML

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By Solemnwishing - United States

Today, while riding on the car with my family, I put on my headphones and pretended to be listening to music and when my parents talked to me, I pretended I couldn't hear them. They took this opportunity to discuss how fat I was and how I can't hold down a boyfriend. They were laughing as well. FML

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By Niquesha - United States

Today, while trying on an outfit in the dressing room at the mall, I got locked in. I decided to take 5 minutes to try and get out by crawling under the door. After I got out, I realized I left my cell phone, my purse and my pants inside. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was secretly listening to a voicemail from my mom in maths class when I accidentally hit the speaker phone button. My whole math class now knows I have a gyno appointment at 9:45 on March 11. FML

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By FuckMcDonalds

Today, while working at McDonald's, I was pulled into the manager's office and informed that I'd been caught stealing money from the safe. When I told them to show me the security footage, they refused and fired me on the spot. FML

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By mando - Australia

Today, at work, I refused a customer a refund because there was nothing wrong with the item, and she didn't have the packaging. I then watched as she and her son rummaged through a public bin for the packaging. When I refused her again, she called me a "fucking idiot". FML

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By JR. - 8/8/2020 20:02

Leaking all over the place

Today, my nearly ex-husband called in a panic so I could come rescue the dogs because he'd called 911 due to a gas leak at the house. I came over, after which the fire department and gas company inspected, and they found the issue. The dog. The dog farted so bad it smelled like rotten eggs and was mistaken for a gas leak. FML

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By CrystalsDontWork - United States - El Paso

Today, my colleagues and I found out that our boss has been taking business advice from an astrologer as well as a soothsayer. FML

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By negativesoup

Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML

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By derve - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML

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By wide awake - 31/7/2020 14:01

Noise

Today, I'm spending the night at my family’s house. I have to share a room with my two kids and their mother. The three of them snore like warthogs in a zoo. Desperate for sleep, I went to go sleep on the couch. The dog sleeping on the rug snores like an old truck. I’m never going to get any sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my boss pretty much told me that I'm too ugly to meet clients, and should stay in the office doing the paperwork. So basically, I'm a modern day Hunchback of Notre Dame. FML

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By Rjlup - United States - Denver

Today, I took my pet rabbit to the vet because I had noticed his genitals looked swollen compared to my other rabbit's. It turns out he's just "gifted". The vet laughed at me. FML

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By alltimelove

Today, I was at a pet store cuddling an apparently overaggressive chinchilla when it decided to bite me and run out of my hands. It is now nowhere to be found and I have to pay for it. FML

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By Squeezebox - United States - Missoula

Today, my son ruined our fairly new 60 inch smart TV by giving it a bath with his squirt gun. FML

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By Hide -n- Seek - United States - Grand Prairie

Hide and Seek

Today, someone left a note on the front door saying "Let's play Hide and Seek". Who ever left the note apparently took my tires off my truck and scattered them. So far, I found one in my pool, and 2 outside my neighborhood. I still can't find the last one. FML

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By chris - 5/5/2020 14:00

Frustration level 100

Today, I saw my bike locked outside a Starbucks down the street from my house. It was stolen about 10 days ago from my communal laundry room. There was even a cop parked across the street, but I have no proof to show that bike even belonged to me. FML

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By Lolaa123 - United States

Today, my 5 year old daughter told me that I needed to stay 50 feet away from her at all times when we were at school, mostly because I didn't hang with the cool parents. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got better phone reception crossing an inlet on a ferry than I normally do at my own house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we had our first rainstorm in weeks. Thirty seconds before it started, my window broke in the "down" position from overuse, since last week the air conditioning in my car gave out. Now I have a hot, wet car. FML

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By immunizations - Canada

Today, while parking my car, I accidentally bumped into the car in front of me, making a small, barely noticeable dent. I felt bad, wrote an apology note, and stuck it on his windshield. An hour later, he replied by keying the entire right side of my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was driving down a completely empty street when a cop pulled me over for no reason at all. When he approached my window, I began to get defensive until he informed me I was driving the wrong way down a one way street. FML

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By vibratorgirl - United States

Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back at home. FML

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By annoyedguy - United States

Today, my girlfriend missed our date, so I text her angry, telling her if she can't make our dates then we should break up, and generally telling her off. 5 Minutes later I get a picture message of her sleeping in a hospital bed from her mother saying "Shut the **** up, she had appendicitis." FML

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By Reliena - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were in the shower, we began to get a bit frisky. That was until I lifted my arms and he immediately made one of his "Chewbacca Calls." He was referring to my armpits that I had forgotten to shave. FML

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By Cora - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. His response was, "Thank god, finally." FML

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By dirty deeds - 31/5/2020 14:00

Still better than the Cats movie

Today, my brother’s cat pissed on my brand new bed. He refuses to replace the mattress, and claims it wasn’t his cat. We only have one cat. FML

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By patate

Today, I was yelled at and almost fired for showing up "late" to work. I was the first one here. FML

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By Sally - United States

Today, my roommate came home and began changing clothes in the same room that my boyfriend and I were in. I quickly got annoyed and angry and when I began questioning her about it she just laughed while saying, "Oh relax, it's not like he's never seen me naked before." FML

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By not crazy enough - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, at work, a crazy customer forced me to promise to take a holiday greeting picture of my cat and myself for her. She says she'll be back and expects one. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2020 13:58

Shedding

Today, I found out, after having my third and last child, that I'm balding. I'm only 23 and quite frankly It's very much noticeable. How did I find out? My four-year-old daughter pointed it out to me, saying, "Mommy, why you shed like the dog?" FML

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Top comments

By GigaPudding_fml | 24

#6095936 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:16

When you tickle someone you have to be prepared for the consequences...

By HappyItalian | 38

#6095937 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:16

Is your girlfriend that hairy?

COMMENTS

By PenguinBitch | 43

#6095933 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:16

Basic bitches.

By iceking53 | 8

#6095935 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:16

no bj for you

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6096068 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 20:29

#2 plz stop

Reply

wanted_2_want | 40

#6096625 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 6:33

That was rough, rough.

Reply

noah_1234 | 24

#6097423 - Thursday 23 October 2014 1:11

YDI for trying to kick your dog in the face...even though it was your gf

By GigaPudding_fml | 24

#6095936 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:16

When you tickle someone you have to be prepared for the consequences...

Reply

tayymeds | 23

#6096013 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:55

why was she by your feet?

Reply

thatoneninjadude | 14

#6096080 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 20:40

Nice # 29

Reply

confusedAsFuck | 34

#6096139 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 21:36

*Homer Simpson's voice*
Foot fetish, mmmmmm

Reply

foxwasalamb | 24

#6096140 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 21:37

#29 we spend way too much time on this app

Reply

likeableme | 9

#6096224 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 23:16

I remember this fml

Reply

nicehotcupoftea | 13

#6096276 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 0:32

What fml are you guys talking about? Really curious!

Reply

Pizzadude43897 | 3

#6096493 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 3:55

haha i rememeber that one x)

Reply

supernerd95 | 17

#6096616 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 6:22

me too remember it..

Reply

nicehotcupoftea | 13

#6096774 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 12:32

Oh okay yeah I remember that. Thanks!

Reply

IndefiniteBeauty | 17

#6096775 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 12:32

I remember that one!

By HappyItalian | 38

#6095937 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:16

Is your girlfriend that hairy?

Reply

chadermcchaf | 16

#6096180 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 22:21

His girlfriend is probably King Kong

Reply

mannatee | 19

#6096227 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 23:21

A better question is, why was your girlfriend's face that close to your foot?

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6096248 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 23:49

They might have fallen asleep after going at it 69 style ;)

Reply

MrsDruidess | 23

#6096682 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 8:58

no I would rather know why OP is ok with kicking his dog but not ok with kicking a human. . .

Reply

swash984 | 22

#6096772 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 12:27

I sometimes use my foot to push away my dog. Not in a harmful way. Though, I am pretty sure he didn't suspect his gf to be down there...

By man_in_black08 | 28

#6095939 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:18

Takes doggy style in the bedroom to a whole new level :P

Reply

MrDonSalvetti | 27

#6096061 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 20:25

And this comment takes bad jokes to a whole new level...

By shelbystang | 2

#6095943 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:18

Man you are probably gonna be in the doghouse with that one.

Reply

Just_A_Tree | 20

#6096564 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 5:25

OP, play dead.
She has to stop asking questions and leave eventually. Right?!?

Nah, but really. Act like you're asleep. People do the weirdest shit when they're asleep, it's the perfect excuse!

By Texasblackboots | 16

#6095945 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:19

Sucks bro, you never gonna live this down

By WCARlover | 34

#6095946 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:20

I'm just wondering why her face was right by your foot. If she was trying to tickle you while you were sleeping I don't know why she thought that would be a good idea ...I'm probably not alone in just getting angry when I get tickled :p

Reply

tbro47 | 23

#6095990 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:43

Maybe she was trying to bury a bone

Reply

GentlemanBastard | 15

#6096040 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 20:14

I absolutely hate being tickled. My wife likes to torture me with it. I almost broke her finger before. It wasn't a good scenario, yet she continues to do it because it's "funny".

Reply

PoisonOrchid | 21

#6096480 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 3:42

I think you're probably exaggerating quite a bit #32.

Reply

supernerd95 | 17

#6096617 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 6:24

how can you not like being tickled?

By keiNan_fml | 35

#6095948 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:20

Damn! and what happened later on

Reply

tony1891 | 22

#6095974 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:35

pretty sure ops girlfriend ended up putting ice on her bruise. whilst op didn't get no nookie.... Probably for a while at least

By ambowew | 7

#6095950 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:20

Close enough.