Today, I was woken up by my dog touching my foot, so I tried... - FML

By Anonymous - 21/10/2014 15:49 - United States - Bedford

Today, I was woken up by my dog touching my foot, so I tried to push it away. Then I realized that I'd kicked my girlfriend in the face. FML

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Instadrama

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Not a cheating!

By Damnit - 17/11/2011 18:11 - United States

Today, I realized that in my relationship with my significant other, the roles are switched. We went out for a nice dinner, I paid, and when we got home he "had a headache" and asked for an aspirin so he could go to sleep. FML

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By Alaska fire - 19/11/2016 22:14 - United States - Eagle River

Today, I was the only sober person at a bonfire. After being hit in the eye with a snowball, taking people's keys away because they were too wasted to drive, making sure no one died and stabbing the bottom of my foot with a nail, I got to sleep in the snow. Without any blankets. FML

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By aero00 - 27/7/2010 17:08 - United States

Today, I was fooling around on the trampoline with this guy, when a bounce caused us to bang our heads together, knocking me out cold. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2016 12:36 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I had a horrible case of the flu. I have a fever of 102 degrees and I can't breathe through my nose. Choosing to sleep it off turns out to be enough for my mom to call me a lazy fuck and scream at me for doing nothing all day. FML

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By anonymous - 20/7/2015 01:23 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, for some reason entirely beyond my knowledge, Siri referred to me as "Sugartits". FML

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By soontobemurder - 3/5/2017 18:00

Today, my boss took back my week off because he wants to take a spontaneous Caribbean vacation with his wife, which is "clearly more important" than what I was going to do. I needed that time off so I could be with my Dad in hospice. FML

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By Howimetmybrother - 5/12/2017 06:00

Today, to repay my brother who's been hosting me, I took his laundry out to wash. Loading the machine, I gave a tug on the corner of a towel and the biggest dildo I've ever seen flew out of the basket and bounced to a stop in the middle of the floor. Every. One. Saw. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2009 09:12 - Canada

Today, I went to a petting zoo to take pictures. I look down to see a goat chewing the sleeve of my new sweater, so as I reached down to get it loose, it started eating my hair. People took pictures of me wrestling the goat before they helped me. FML

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By nixwolfwood - 19/12/2016 21:14

Today, I woke up to a fog. Literally. A pipe burst in my apartment and scalding water was everywhere. To make matters worse, when I called maintenance he told me he'd come by later, hung up on me, and turned his phone off. He did eventually show up, but it was 5 hours later, well after I'd paid a plumber $200. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2009 13:51 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The cop was hot so I flirted with him as much as I could. But when he came back to the car he still gave me a ticket. Feeling desperate I said, "I thought you didn't give tickets to pretty girls." His response: "We don't." FML

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By whereismyring - 28/3/2016 00:47 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my ex-boyfriend announced he was engaged. We broke up last night. FML

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By Inga44 - 23/7/2009 23:25 - United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend. He was at the police station for breaking into a model home to hook up with the girl he's been cheating on me with for the past 4 months. I was his one phone call. He was expecting me to bail him out. FML

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By Allycat - 9/10/2013 01:19 - United States - Ronkonkoma

Today, I was working a kid's birthday party dressed as a clown. The child's mother made me change because he was scared of clowns. The only thing I had in my car was a princess costume that was owned by a girl co-worker. So for 4 hours I had to entertain in a tight pink dress. I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2016 03:01 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I just got my windshield fixed due to a rock hitting it off the highway. Just one hour later on my way home, a large stick flew off the back of a landscaping truck. My windshield is cracked again. FML.

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By Urgghh - 16/5/2013 21:36 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got a mosquito bite on my chest. Due to a severe allergic reaction it has swollen my left breast a cup size. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "Hey look! I can finally see one of them." FML

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By Bedrest Blues - 24/12/2017 15:00

Today, my boyfriend told me that we can’t be together because I’m not the person he fell in love with since I don’t do anything all day. I’m 6 months pregnant and on bed rest. FML

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By BOOP - 17/2/2012 13:25 - United States

Today, I took my grandmother for a spin in my new car. Apparently, she had no idea that seat-warmers exist and that hers was turned on, because fifteen minutes into the ride she started shouting, "My ass is on fire!" causing me to swerve into a pole. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2017 23:00 - United Kingdom - Dukinfield

Today, I found out that boyfriend doesn't think he needs to wipe his ass after he shits if he's going straight in the shower because he can just "clean it up in there". We share a loofah. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2009 01:13 - United States

Today, I was ringing an old man up in the local grocery store when I had realized all he was buying was 3 bottles of vodka and a box of condoms. While I was loading the bags into his cart he laid his hand on my shoulder and told me "I'd take you home with me but chances are I would be arrested". FML

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By bananamuffin - 30/3/2012 19:13 - United States

Today, I realized that the "holla" tattoo I stupidly got on my lower lip five years ago isn't fading as I expected it to, and will probably contribute to my unemployment for years to come. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 23:00

The geyser

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2010 13:16 - Malaysia

Today, someone switched my hairspray with bug spray when I didn't notice. I used it. FML

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By Married Life 101 - 16/5/2019 02:41

Today, my husband woke up in the middle of the night feeling frisky. He woke me up, got me all hot and ready to go, then before I could get into position he fell back to sleep, leaving me to fend for myself. FML

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By Nottheprettylady - 5/4/2009 01:07 - Canada

Today, at my job as a cashier, a man and his 3-year old son got in line. The father said, "Give this to the pretty lady," looking at me. The kid looks at me, looks at his dad, and walks over to the next cashier. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2014 21:08 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I came home early to surprise my wife. No, it's not what you're thinking: I didn't find her cheating on me. She wasn't even home, but my dad was. He'd used his spare key and was on my sofa, drinking my beer and watching my TV. The first words out of his mouth? "Your beer's shit." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2014 00:56 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because of the scratch marks on my back. I didn't have the nerve to tell her I tried to shower with the cat. FML

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By Ban Hammered - 25/5/2016 10:35 - United States - New York

Today, I babysat my neighbor's twin 4-year-old girls again. When I took them out for lunch, they apparently had been addressing themselves as "my bitches", taught to them by their devil spawn 13-year-old brother. Everyone, including Chuck E. Cheese himself, was not pleased. FML

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By pissed - 12/10/2020 04:59

F is for Family

Today, I came home to find my husband’s disgusting pig of a sister let herself in while we were at work and decided to take a nap in our bed. Not only did she not ask to visit, she left a huge smelly period stain on my favorite sheets. No apology, no attempt to clean up. I didn’t give her a key. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 20:00

Weird flex, but OK

Today, I asked the girl who has a crush on me if she was autistic. She replied without hesitation, "I can be whatever you want me to be." FML

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By Seriously_Scaredy_Cat - 27/11/2013 07:08 - United States

Today, I was taking some clean bedsheets down from the top of the wardrobe. As I pulled the top sheet down, a cat jumped onto my face, claws and all, before falling to the floor and running away. Thing is, I don't own a cat and I have no idea where in the house it has hidden now. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2010 06:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told everyone I queef during sex. Even his parents are calling me "Cooter Pooter." FML

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By brunetteshavemorefun - 22/12/2012 17:56 - United Kingdom - Burnley

Today, I dyed my naturally-blonde hair dark brown. Upon seeing me, my boyfriend immediately wanted to have sex, because I now remind him of his favourite porn star. FML

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By scaryhairy - 4/11/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, I accidentally cut myself with a razor blade on my toe. Not only does it sting really badly, but it reinforces the fact that I have abnormally hairy toes that need to be shaved. FML

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By u_n0_mE - 8/2/2009 16:30 - United States

Today, I am finally dating the girl I have liked on and off for the past year. In the school play. FML

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By Me - 3/6/2013 05:32 - United States - Homer Glen

Today, while at my aunt's funeral, my grandma who has terrible memory loss asked me whose funeral we were at. I had to explain to her that her daughter had died. FML

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By Jetlagged - 3/6/2017 22:00

Today, I'm stuck at the airport overnight, because my phone didn't update its time zone after flying in, so I watched my train leave, thinking mine wasn't due for another hour. FML

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By abrazama - 2/10/2009 14:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I went down to my accommodation office in fiery wrath, demanding that something be done about my three-days-cold shower. Looking dubious, they sent someone back with me. As soon as we got there he looked at me with deep pity and pulled the cord in the corner that activated the hot water. FML

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By wtf dad - 10/1/2013 03:15 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I learned who my dad's new fiancée is. Upon meeting her she exclaimed, "My, I haven't seen you in a while!" She's my ex-boyfriend's mom. FML

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By kashish0711 - 2/8/2009 16:14 - India

Today, I was at home, my mom came and saw me holding what she thought was a glass of beer. She took the glass, threw it and slapped me for drinking it. I was drinking Apple Juice. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2010 14:36 - United States

Today, I missed my own surprise party because, having heard it being planned, I though it was going to be an intervention. FML

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Top comments

By GigaPudding_fml | 24

#6095936 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:16

When you tickle someone you have to be prepared for the consequences...

By HappyItalian | 38

#6095937 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:16

Is your girlfriend that hairy?

COMMENTS

By PenguinBitch | 43

#6095933 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:16

Basic bitches.

By iceking53 | 8

#6095935 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:16

no bj for you

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6096068 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 20:29

#2 plz stop

Reply

wanted_2_want | 40

#6096625 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 6:33

That was rough, rough.

Reply

noah_1234 | 24

#6097423 - Thursday 23 October 2014 1:11

YDI for trying to kick your dog in the face...even though it was your gf

By GigaPudding_fml | 24

#6095936 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:16

When you tickle someone you have to be prepared for the consequences...

Reply

tayymeds | 23

#6096013 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:55

why was she by your feet?

Reply

thatoneninjadude | 14

#6096080 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 20:40

Nice # 29

Reply

confusedAsFuck | 34

#6096139 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 21:36

*Homer Simpson's voice*
Foot fetish, mmmmmm

Reply

foxwasalamb | 24

#6096140 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 21:37

#29 we spend way too much time on this app

Reply

likeableme | 9

#6096224 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 23:16

I remember this fml

Reply

nicehotcupoftea | 13

#6096276 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 0:32

What fml are you guys talking about? Really curious!

Reply

Pizzadude43897 | 3

#6096493 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 3:55

haha i rememeber that one x)

Reply

supernerd95 | 17

#6096616 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 6:22

me too remember it..

Reply

nicehotcupoftea | 13

#6096774 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 12:32

Oh okay yeah I remember that. Thanks!

Reply

IndefiniteBeauty | 17

#6096775 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 12:32

I remember that one!

By HappyItalian | 38

#6095937 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:16

Is your girlfriend that hairy?

Reply

chadermcchaf | 16

#6096180 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 22:21

His girlfriend is probably King Kong

Reply

mannatee | 19

#6096227 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 23:21

A better question is, why was your girlfriend's face that close to your foot?

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6096248 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 23:49

They might have fallen asleep after going at it 69 style ;)

Reply

MrsDruidess | 23

#6096682 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 8:58

no I would rather know why OP is ok with kicking his dog but not ok with kicking a human. . .

Reply

swash984 | 22

#6096772 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 12:27

I sometimes use my foot to push away my dog. Not in a harmful way. Though, I am pretty sure he didn't suspect his gf to be down there...

By man_in_black08 | 28

#6095939 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:18

Takes doggy style in the bedroom to a whole new level :P

Reply

MrDonSalvetti | 27

#6096061 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 20:25

And this comment takes bad jokes to a whole new level...

By shelbystang | 2

#6095943 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:18

Man you are probably gonna be in the doghouse with that one.

Reply

Just_A_Tree | 20

#6096564 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 5:25

OP, play dead.
She has to stop asking questions and leave eventually. Right?!?

Nah, but really. Act like you're asleep. People do the weirdest shit when they're asleep, it's the perfect excuse!

By Texasblackboots | 16

#6095945 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:19

Sucks bro, you never gonna live this down

By WCARlover | 34

#6095946 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:20

I'm just wondering why her face was right by your foot. If she was trying to tickle you while you were sleeping I don't know why she thought that would be a good idea ...I'm probably not alone in just getting angry when I get tickled :p

Reply

tbro47 | 23

#6095990 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:43

Maybe she was trying to bury a bone

Reply

GentlemanBastard | 15

#6096040 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 20:14

I absolutely hate being tickled. My wife likes to torture me with it. I almost broke her finger before. It wasn't a good scenario, yet she continues to do it because it's "funny".

Reply

PoisonOrchid | 21

#6096480 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 3:42

I think you're probably exaggerating quite a bit #32.

Reply

supernerd95 | 17

#6096617 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 6:24

how can you not like being tickled?

By keiNan_fml | 35

#6095948 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:20

Damn! and what happened later on

Reply

tony1891 | 22

#6095974 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:35

pretty sure ops girlfriend ended up putting ice on her bruise. whilst op didn't get no nookie.... Probably for a while at least

By ambowew | 7

#6095950 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 19:20

Close enough.