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By Anonymous - 01/07/2013 16:10 - United States - Provo

Today, I found my cat dead on the road. I called my family and told them, and later buried the cat. Not long after I got done burying it, my cat walked up to me. I buried someone else's cat. FML

agreeclassic 53 304

vote type 1 11 194

By ktwithaq - 18/10/2010 11:27 - United States

Today, I got a promotion. I was really excited until I realized that the only friend I had to celebrate with was my pet cat. FML

agreeclassic 28 808

vote type 1 5 373

Was?

By themildthings - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Germany

Today, whilst working as a language assistant in Germany as part of my degree, some 9 year-old German kids asked me to please speak English to them because my German was so shit. FML

agreeclassic 17 870

vote type 1 24 469

By jaquie0812 - 12/06/2014 16:37 - United States - Longview

Today, my two cats decided to have a brawl on top of me. I was just trying to get to sleep. Now I'm covered in scratches. FML

agreeclassic 42 244

vote type 1 6 673

jaquie0812 app_comment_confession_title

jaquie0812 13

Friday 13 June 2014 6:31

To shed light on what happened. We found a kitten in the woods by our apartment and are currently fostering it till we can find a new home. (might keep it if my kitten will accept it) my kitten is not happy with this and has been swatting at the kitten. He was asleep with me in my room when the other kitten got in and since it is very affectionate he claimed right up which made pooter (my kitten) mad and attack. the scratches weren't that bad and they are both OK. Hopefully they start getting along soon. love the cat puns they are purrrfect.

By ILoveFML - 29/08/2010 14:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was talking with his friends about how long girls take to get ready (hair, make-up, etc.). I said, "I never spend a long time getting ready." He then looked at me and said, "Maybe you should." FML

agreeclassic 34 939

vote type 1 7 743

We can see you

By crunknasty - 30/03/2013 05:19 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I was on the toilet, when I noticed I could see my daughter dancing in the other room in the mirror, so I took a picture with my phone. After I uploaded it, people pointed out that I was visible in the picture, sitting on the toilet and smiling. FML

agreeclassic 17 076

vote type 1 62 054

Happy Valentine's Day

By henhouse - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Australia - Brunswick East

Today, I lost my virginity. The most memorable aspect of it wasn't the fact that my boyfriend finished after two thrusts, but rather the fact that he first said, "The pilot has entered the cockpit." FML

agreeclassic 32 646

vote type 1 3 837

Paranoid

By rockefoe - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was studying late and kept hearing weird screeching sounds from outside. I couldn't figure out what it was and started getting really freaked out. It wasn't until later that I realized it was just my nose whistling. FML

agreeclassic 11 976

vote type 1 33 828

By MrFerret - 06/05/2011 03:41

Today, it's my birthday, and my present is that my mom is coming over to see me so that she can borrow three hundred dollars. FML

agreeclassic 37 719

vote type 1 3 401

By sadchick - 09/09/2009 22:53 - United States

Today, my mom found a new favorite game. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and still have not been able to find a job (months after graduating college). Due to this stress I cry easily, her game? Seeing how many times a day she can make me boo-hoo. FML

agreeclassic 37 708

vote type 1 8 811

By volleyballgirl - 28/02/2010 01:11 - United States

Today, at my volleyball tournament I was extremely pumped to start playing so I went to take my sweats off and everybody began to stare at me then I looked down to come to realize I had no spandex on, just a thong. FML

agreeclassic 11 968

vote type 1 32 729

By Anonymous - 20/12/2011 17:16 - Canada

Today, I found out while skiing that my dad likes to call me Pimple because I have a pink coat and white helmet. He has tried to squeeze me. FML

agreeclassic 26 708

vote type 1 5 596

By gtfb1993 - 02/12/2011 22:21 - Canada

Today, I was at the laundromat, when an attractive girl set up at the machine next to mine. She looked me up and down, then noticed the skid-marks on my underwear. FML

agreeclassic 10 688

vote type 1 42 512

By hahahaha090114 - 30/01/2010 18:59 - United States

Today, I found out I was getting a divorce. My wife is leaving me for my brother, saying that now that he has money there is nothing that can stand in their way. I recently decided to send him money to help him get back on his feet. FML

agreeclassic 45 218

vote type 1 3 037

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 09:53 - France

Today, in the middle of the night, my girlfriend whispered "Are you asleep?" I chose not to respond, to see what she'd do. She then let rip a loud, stinking fart, giggled, and went back to sleep. FML

agreeclassic 17 117

vote type 1 41 532

By disappointed - 20/09/2013 16:30 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I walked in on my daughter shaving her boyfriend's nuts. Apparently, he'd snuck in through her window. FML

agreeclassic 60 084

vote type 1 6 120

By awkward23 - 12/01/2010 10:26 - United States

Today, at a bar, a woman approched me and tried to set me up with her friend. Looking around, the only people in the bar were a man reading the paper and a very ugly woman, looking at me and smiling. I worriedly replied, "I'm sorry, but I'm gay." Turns out her friend was the one reading the paper. FML

agreeclassic 12 991

vote type 1 42 553

By DeadBroke - 07/01/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years because I was tired of his childishness and anger, so he decided to send me 540 random text messages of scrambled letters in order to mess up my phone as well, as make me pay 20 cents for each message. FML

agreeclassic 31 576

vote type 1 5 744

By Anonymous - 07/11/2010 21:32 - United States

Today, I went on a drive with my girlfriend when we went past a 'Dead End' sign. She pointed to it and said it was "Foreshadowing our relationship". FML

agreeclassic 34 898

vote type 1 3 524

By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 03:05 - United States

Today, I got my lip pierced. By the orthodontist. FML

agreeclassic 41 324

vote type 1 3 241

By Banana_Lord - 26/05/2014 01:43 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I saw the script for the end of year assembly skit I'm forced to participate in. Looks like on my last day of high school, I'll be running around in a rainbow unicorn costume in front of my entire high school and their parents. FML

agreeclassic 44 432

vote type 1 5 732

Banana_Lord app_comment_confession_title

Banana_Lord 8

Monday 26 May 2014 21:57

Hi, OP here. I guess I should explain this a little better. On the last day of school, we have a big awards assembly and then hand out yearbooks at the end. Our yearbooks always have a theme and the people in charge do a little skit at the end of the assembly. Our theme this year is fairy tales, thus the unicorn costume (our mascot isn't a rainbow unicorn lol). I'm editor in chief so I can't just back out, and the other people involved are really excited about the skit, so I'd hurt their feelings if I told them how stupid I think it is. I ended up trying to get out of it by telling them I couldn't make it to the rehearsal, but they just switched my part to the narrator. Not quite what I was hoping for, but at least I don't have to do anything embarrassing. You guys' comments made me laugh, and for all the people who said they would love to dress up as a unicorn, to each their own I guess!

By catherine - 17/06/2011 11:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I dropped my camera into water. The good news is that it's waterproof. The bad news is I dropped it off London Bridge. All the pictures and videos of my four-month trip around Europe were on it. FML

agreeclassic 47 272

vote type 1 12 468