By Uh-oh - 10/11/2009 12:33 - Australia

Today, I decided to come clean with my daughter about her adoptive status within my family. Just after I told her she was adopted, I realized that I have been telling her stories about me giving birth to her. FML
I agree, your life sucks 7 246
You deserved it 62 532

Same thing different taste

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Now by keeping that secret from her for so long, you've taught her that being adopted is something to be ashamed of. You should have told her she was adopted from the start and you adopted her because you love her. Adoptive parents take a child from biological parent(s) who for one reason or another feel they can't or aren't able to raise their child. That is a gift, or it should be. Clearly if you think adoption is something to keep secret from your child then you deserve it. **** your daughter's life, indeed

you probly should have let her know when she was younger.


you probly should have let her know when she was younger.

The OP didn't even say how old her child is.

Reyo 2

I just can't wrap my mind around why a grown woman would tell her adopted daughtor stories about giving birth to her...hell, why a mother would be telling stories like that to her children at all. It just seems awkward to me. "And then your head came out of this area right here *points* before your shoulders passed here *points at different area*. Are you getting all of this sweety?" kid: *inexplicable horror face* "...can I go do homework now?!"

Um... It's not unusual to tell birth stories. o-o; And obviously, not the way you're putting them like. For example, how was it before, after, the family. It's mostly about feelings. Not... the procedure. -___-;

Reyo 2

Then it must just be me. Either way, wouldn't it a bit awkward to talk to your adopted child as if you birthed them? "Oh, totally, you definately came out of me. No doubt about it." I'd figure that they're old enough to comprehend the idea once they're able to question whether or not they came out of you.

katydraw 0

I'm adopted and I've known my whole life because if I was to find out that not only was my mother keeping this from me but also lying and making up stories to fuel this lie, that's just sick. YDI

snowFML 0

wow. Way to fail at being an adoptive parent.

Now by keeping that secret from her for so long, you've taught her that being adopted is something to be ashamed of. You should have told her she was adopted from the start and you adopted her because you love her. Adoptive parents take a child from biological parent(s) who for one reason or another feel they can't or aren't able to raise their child. That is a gift, or it should be. Clearly if you think adoption is something to keep secret from your child then you deserve it. **** your daughter's life, indeed

^^^THIS. As an adopted child myself, I'm very grateful that my parents told me from day one (well, as soon as I was able to understand these things, at any rate) that I was adopted. They told me that another woman carried me and gave birth to me, but because she was so young, they decided to raise me. They said they loved me very much, and that some day I would be able to meet my "other mother and father" if I wanted to. They said that my birthparents loved me very much, and BECAUSE they loved me so much, they gave me to a family who would be able to give me a good life. Being adopted is nothing to be ashamed of. You should have told her the truth from the very beginning. Methinks your poor daughter deserves an apology, because you've taught her two very horrible things: 1) lying is okay, and 2) being adopted is something bad and something to keep hidden. F your daughter's life, not your life. YDI and here's an award for "Piss-Poor Parenting Skills".

#5 and #9's comments are everything I wanted to say. Don't make up stories.... unless you feel like living a lie for the rest of your life. And then i'm sure looking in a mirror will make you feel ultra comfortable.......

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My adoptive parents always thought of me as their own child, and I always thought of them as my parents. I can definitely see your point, GreenHacker, but lying to a child about adoptive status is still a horrible thing to do. If parents are not prepared to TRUTHFULLY answer a adopted child's questions about his or her birth or origins, they shouldn't be adopting children. You can still love and raise a non-biological child as your own while telling them the truth.

Flutist 3

There is shame in that. If someone cannot be honest about adopting a child, then they are being a bad parent. It is telling a child that the only way they can be loved it through keeping up this lie that their parents had biological children. It feeds into the idea of a real family being a nuclear unit, a mom, a dad, two kids and a dog. But the truth is the American family is nothing like that. So to tell your child they are adopted after years of lying, it teaches them two things, 1) your whole life has been a lie. 2) I did not love you enough to be honest. I was told and it made me love my parents even more, when my friends complained about their parents, I just smiled and said, "your parents had to have you, my parents chose me." If anything being adopted is more interesting, I am nothing like my parents in personality, minus a few taught traits and morals and it keeps things interesting. Hiding something implies shame.

Ye_Editor 0

Actually, GreenHacker, it DOES apply for every situation like this. There is NO excuse for lying to a child about being adopted - ESPECIALLY feigning stories about the birth experience. This child now has no reason to EVER believe this bad parent, and will likely go on to feel alienated and unloved, like a freak who had to be hidden from the world. Adoption causes enough scarring when done properly (adopted kids will always have to deal with abandonment issues, no matter how loving the adoptive home) but THIS? This was downright CRUEL. Poor parenting, bordering on actual (psychological) child abuse. If it wouldn't cause even greater harm to the confused child, she should probably be removed from this woman's care. What a colossal, epic fail.

I do agree that honesty is the best policy, but I think people here are going way to wild over this. The OP did come clean. It's not like she is continually lying. And just because you find out you are adopted does NOT make your life a lie. Your parents did not love you any more/less before they came clean, and certainly there is no change after. It is your own view on how you allow the information to affect you. Personally I would be honest with my children, because I want them to know that honesty is always the best route to go, but I think people are hating on the OP way too much here. It couldn't have been easy for her to talk about it, and thankfully she did come out with the truth. It's a largely positive step in the right direction. Ye_Editor, it is not poor parenting. Did you consider this may be a first child for the OP. It is a learning experience for new parents just as much as it is for kids. She's learning to be honest. It isn't easy for her, but she is doing it.

Ye_Editor 0

GreenHacker, it's TERRIBLE parenting. Lying to your child about something THIS important is unconscionable. And you say she's LEARNING to be honest? Why does anyone need to LEARN that with thier own child?? That should be a natural effect. "First child for the OP" doesn't matter with something of this magnitude. Worse yet, after betraying her child's trust (it's one thing to withhold information, it's another to fabricate stories - "Oh yes, honey, I spent 8 hours in labor having you") she chooses to assuage her conscience by confessing, compounding the damage even further. There is no excuse for this behavior - the OP does not get a pass because she's a first time adoptive parent. She'll be lucky if that child ever speaks to her again.

rx0829 0

Ye_editor, you are completely right. There is no reason NOT to tell a child that he or she is adopted. If the child is too young to understand that they are being adopted during the process, then the parents should help him or her understand. My cousin was adopted after birth and my aunt and uncle have always been honest with him. They make children's books about adoption for kids who are adopted, and there are many other resources available to parents to help them explain to their children. Your child will love you whether or not he or she is adopted if you are honest about it from the start. However, I wouldn't blame him or her for hating you if you hide it and then reveal the fact years later.

While I agree with the bulk of what you are saying, I do think that the OP deserves some credit for being honest now, and that while she might not deserve a "pass," she, like all of us, is entitled to make mistakes. Being a parent isn't easy or natural (even when it comes to honesty... and, perhaps, she thought it was in the daughter's best interest, misguided or not) and even if you think she's done something wrong, that doesn't mean you have to attack her and condemn her future.

Flutist 3

GoldG. I hate to break it to you, but I fear for her child's future. It seems like her child is in her teens. Teens are emotionally changing. This is not the time to change that child's identity. Op knew this was wrong and continued to lie for years. YEARS. And people let her. Op took away something from her daughter, some intrinsic belief that mother's love you no matter what. My parents divorced when I was younger, it took me years to forgive my father, to get my identity back. Even though I believed my father loved me, I felt like, because I was adopted, he must not love me and I must be the reason he left. My mother never lied to me, she never said that I was less of a person because I was adopted. I have sisters, I have brothers, I have family and i have love. But had my mother lied to me, had she told me for years, I love you and you are my biological daughter. I gave birth to you and that is valuable because we are close, we had hours in the waiting room. Gave me this whole detailed bond, of carrying me and holding me and loving me even after the hours of pain, and then took that away, said, "Oh this is a lie." I would be devastated. You don't understand, just because it is "hard" and the Op was "scared or upset" or "doing what was best for her daughter" she behaved selfishly. She did something worse, she proved to her daughter she has no value but an illusion, she is not a real daughter because she was not born of Op. She is not a real person because he whole life has been a lie. Really, we should give Op credit? Good luck making that up to your daughter Op.

Side Note: Not every family lives in America. If you haven't noticed, the OP lives in Australia. FYL for your narrow-mindedness in assuming that everyone lives in America and lives the way Americans do. I have nothing personal against Americans, it's just aggravating how so many people assume that everyone lives in the same way as they do.

Thank you, #5 and #9. I'm an adopted child and was telling me from before I could speak about what adoption was and why it was a good thing, and I grew up with zero stigma whatsoever. Shame on the OP for treating it like some sort of bad thing to be hidden.

In that case they shouldn't adopt. Simple as that.

As others already said: it is hard enough to be adopted under the best of circumstances. It is simply not an area where potential parents can afford to make mistakes. So if you can't be honest about it and deal with it, don't do it. And if you are not adopted yourself, stop defending adoptive parent's inability, because you do not know what you are talking about. The OPs daughter is in living hell right now. So **** her life, and her life alone.

vencku 13

Maybe OP thought it would be best for a child not to know, as she wanted her to have a normal childhood without the whole "my mommy is not my real mommy" confusion. It's quite common. Moreover, she speaks of her daughter. Might be that the girl is 18 or older and quite capable of handling the news.

#85 Yeah I live in Australia and it is so different to the American lifestyle! We live in tents and I ride my Kangaroo to school and I have to feed my pet Koala. I hate people who just think we live like Americans.

Punkartmama 0

So now she feels unwanted by her birth parents and she knows that you are a liar.

being adopted myself, i agree with tiffany heart. this is not something to hide from your child, and especially dont make up stories that aren't true. i for one am glad my parents didnt hide it from me. F your daughters Life. you made your bed now you gotta lie in it (no pun intended).

tough scenario, but an even tougher decision: 1) Give the child up for adoption and solidify your position as a major f**k up in her life and in society. 2) Say you were drugged and that daddy likes to drug you up before having sex with Manuel, his pool boy from Guatemala. Somehow, this still fulfills #1, but very few people would blame you for this. 3) Quickly shout, "You're on Candid Camera!" and dive out the window in dramatic fashion. I hope you live on the first floor or in a one-story home. So, OP, what will you choose?

perdix 29

You should put away the guns and sharp objects before you drop the bomb about the Tooth Fairy. Kids need to learn at an early age that you must pay someone to remove medical waste, not the other way around.

i plan on adopting and want my children to understand how beautiful adoption is, and how its all about love. lying like that makes it a cold deceitful practice. This isn't the 50s anymore - open adoptions are the way to go.

Uhhh....I don't know if the definition is different where you live, but "open adoption" doesn't mean "being open and truthful about adoption". An open adoption is one in which the biological parents are allowed an active role in the child's life. This is in opposition to a closed adoption in which the biological parents have no involvement; children often are not allowed any contact with their biological families until they reach the age of majority. Just clarifying.

Ye_Editor 0

I was adopted in 1960, and there was nothing "hidden" about it. The only possible stigma might have been on a woman having a child out of wedlock (or through some other bad situation) and having to hide the pregnancy. However, even in the 60's, adoptive parents (and the process of adoption) was looked on favorably. Sadly, nowadays it's almost a badge of pride for unwed (and teenage!) pregnancies. What a shame.

Erm myfreind_youfail, think about your own definition of open adoption. I think you'll find you can't lie to your child and say they were yours while the real parents play an active role in their life. I think gregumsdagreggy was supporting open adoption and the fact that it's honest, not getting the definition wrong. I agree with that but if you're unfit to look after the child and it's taken of you you should never be alowed to see it again, unless the child wants to see them. My next door neighbour is a drug dealing prostitute and she's ****** her kids up enough already, child services are taking them off her and i sincerly hope they never see her again until they are 20. We know nothing about the OPs daughterts biological parents so we can't jugde that, however she should never have lied to her, lying about santa is one thing, but anything else is just plain wrong. **** your daughters life not yours, i'd be suprised if she didn't need counciling because of the trauma this will have caused her, i hope she's still young because she might get over it, but if you waited until she was 18 i really pity her, you deserve this and more.

I was referring to the actual definition of the term "open adoption", and pointing out that "open adoption (a method of the adoption process that intimately involves both biological and custodial parents)" is not the same as "an adoption in which a person is "open"(truthfully informs the adopted child)". The concept of BEING open is sound, but the term he or she used to describe such honesty was the wrong term. Reference link But I'm not going to go on and on about dictionary definitions. I've left one if anyone is interested. Meh.

you are correct in your technicalities. however, in traditional closed adoptions the hospitals used to bury all information about the biological parents and encouraged the adoptive parents to raise the child believing they are biological (they also encouraged the birth mom to forget she ever had a kid). Adoption had a sort of stigma associated with it, which is unfortunate. And there are degrees to open adoptions including all lines of communication, not just physical contact with the biological parents. It's usually up to the birth mom to decide whether or not she wants to see her kid, but the kid always knows he or she is adopted. Yes, nowadays a lot of kids are raised under "closed" adoptions while still knowing they are adopted, but under the traditional closed system it was attempted to hide this fact from them.

TheWolves 0

Today, my mother told me I was adopted. This is weird, because she told me stories about her giving birth to me. Several times. FML

Julesie 9

I would totally kill my mother if she did that to me. "Oh, your birth was amazing honey!" 2 years later.... "You're adopted"... She would die.