Puddle Jumper

Today, I learned the hard way not to keep my own cash in my pocket while working as a cashier, when I was forced to give $30 to a scamming customer. FML

Instadrama

Mind your own beeswax

What did I do?

By Iknowitlooksbad - 22/6/2016 05:16

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Today, a spider dangled an inch away from my face while I was driving. I freaked out and accidentally bumped the car in front of me. Three cops arrived on the scene and I had to explain to them what happened. I can still hear them laughing. FML

By Anonymous - 7/3/2011 01:48 - United States

31850

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Today, my wife yelled at me for being a bastard and not caring about her needs. I felt like an asshole and apologized for everything. It took me a few hours to realize I'd basically just apologized for unknowingly hanging the toilet paper the "wrong way" for her OCD. FML

By Anonymous - 16/10/2014 19:30 - United States - Traverse City

38692

5887

Today, my partner and I were cuddling on the couch, watching TV when she smiled and murmured, "You smell like my dad." FML

By docwinters - 27/5/2013 12:39 - Australia - Bathurst

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4969

Today, my brother-in-law's wife said she won the jackpot by marrying into our family. What she doesn't know is that they make fun of her family behind her back, and her husband has no drive or focus in life. Now I get to watch her discover how crazy they really are. FML

By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 02:02

Empathy hurts

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177

Today, depressed about a recent break-up with my long-term boyfriend, I bought a book about moving on after a relationship ends. The cashier placed some standard promotional fliers in my bag during check-out. Once home, I pulled out the fliers. They were for a married couples retreat. FML

By heartsick - 4/4/2012 05:43 - United States - Davenport

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Today, my mom found out that paper is made from trees. She read it on a garbage truck. I then had to explain to her how it's made. FML

By Cogibbt - 3/8/2019 12:00 - Canada

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Today, I was bored at work looking at a sex offender list of my area. After a couple pages, I saw my uncle. FML

By grossuncle - 25/2/2010 17:44 - United States

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Today, a little girl wandered into the glass-cleaning area of the pub I work at. It's a dangerous place for a little kid, so I took her hand and asked where her mum was. The kid starts screaming and the mother appears in the doorway shouting "GET AWAY FROM MY BABY!" FML

By srsly_what - 28/4/2011 23:13 - United Kingdom

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Today, I decided to do something nice and compliment a stranger. I told a girl that I liked her skirt and that it looked good on her. She just rolled her eyes at me and said, "I'm not gay". FML

By Anonymous - 23/6/2017 01:00 - Saudi Arabia

Being nice is so 1968

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528

Today, I learned that not only am I pregnant, I'm too far along for an abortion. My husband and I originally bonded over the fact that we both hate children. FML

By wellthisisbad - 29/2/2016 12:27 - United States - Boynton Beach

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Today, during the "what can your manager do to help with your career aspirations" section of my annual review, my manager basically told me she wouldn't help me and I should quit. FML

By officework - 24/9/2015 19:09 - Canada - Toronto

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Today, completely excited, I told my mom about this guy from high school, that I had really liked and who had found me on Facebook. He said he regretted not asking me out in high school and offered to fly me out to visit him. Her response? "Has he seen what you look like now?" FML

By Anonymous - 7/10/2009 21:16 - United States

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Today, I was driving down a one-way street, when some raging dumbass came screaming the wrong way down the road at me. My instant reaction was to brake and give the guy a chance to do the same. His instant reaction was to keep going and wreck my car. FML

By hello higher premiums, fuckwad - 25/8/2013 16:23 - Canada - Montr?al

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Today, my therapist told me to write down my secrets in an envelope and symbolically burn them. My secrets included stories of my rampant sex life, drug use, a suicide attempt, and the overpowering hatred I have for my family. I've managed to misplace the envelope somewhere back home. FML

By Elle - 23/2/2011 21:07 - United States

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Today, I decided to confront my fear of birds when my friend's pet bird was walking up to me. He got on my arm, climbed up and attacked my face. FML

By birdsterrifyme - 23/3/2015 04:42 - United States - Sikeston

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Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to initiate sex with me in my sleep. He confessed to thinking that if he did it lightly enough, I'd think I was just dreaming. FML

By Light Sleeper - 14/10/2012 04:24 - United States - Evansville

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Today, I was watching a movie on TV. One of the characters has the same name as my dog, and when his name was called, my dog got so excited that he jumped face-first into my TV. FML

By ugh Buck! - 11/9/2013 16:57 - United States

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Today, I learned that girls don't like it when you pass out from carrying them to the bed. What they DO like, is telling all their friends. FML

By thatguy - 28/10/2009 17:07 - United States

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Today, I found out that some men think it's ok to clip their fingernails at the table, in a restaurant on a first date. FML

By Anonymous - 23/11/2009 10:13 - United States

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Today, I had a dream about sleeping, which is a dream I have frequently. I’m exhausted even when I sleep. FML

By amy - 20/7/2019 02:09

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Today, I had an important job interview at another company. I'd tried to keep it secret from everyone at work, so they wouldn't tell my boss, as I can't afford to get on his bad side yet. My mom posted on my Facebook wall, wishing me luck. I'm Facebook friends with most of my colleagues. FML

By Anonymous - 28/2/2013 21:06 - Finland - Vanda

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Today, I was volunteering at a zoo event for special needs kids. My job was to dress up in a kangaroo costume and greet the kids. One kid came up and said "You're not real!" and kicked me in the nuts. FML

By Hackmanjones - 13/6/2009 14:42 - Canada

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Today, I went snowboarding for the first time. I was so scared I passed out. I was only on the kiddy hill. FML

By scardeycat13 - 8/1/2012 05:38 - United States

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Today, I was denied acceptance to The University of Georgia. I was down all day so I decided to go to a party my friend was throwing. Thinking it would cheer me up, as soon as I arrive all I see is colleges on shirts, hats, and sweatshirts, most being UGA. It was a college acceptance party. FML

By oldskoolgrl - 29/3/2009 04:37 - United States

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Today, on my shift as a nurse, I asked a pregnant woman what she would name her child. She said she saw the name "Chlamydia" on a billboard and decided to name her daughter that, saying it was "beautiful." I informed her that it was an STD, and she replied, "Oh, well no one knows that!" FML

By andy - 28/1/2013 04:36 - United States - Long Beach

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Today, while trying to sleep, I kept hearing this groan/scream for help for about an hour. I decided to call 911 to send someone to investigate. Police came, I received a $100 parking fine and another citation for improper use of 911. The noise? Just a dog howling. FML

By ScaryOldMan - 7/10/2009 07:57 - United States

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Today, I got into a fight with the dryer over a plastic toy car. My hand is bleeding and numb, three of my nails are broken and I have a bruise on my chin. The plastic car is still stuck in the now broken dryer. FML

By Loser - 17/3/2010 04:41 - Canada

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Today, I found out that my boyfriend likes to show his female co-workers his dick, by emailing them pictures of it. I found out when he included my email address in with theirs. FML

By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 01:42 - United States

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Today, I got a rejection letter after I filed a claim regarding potholes on a high speed road that damaged my vehicle. Two of my tires and very expensive Honda mags, worth 1000$ each, are done for. Meanwhile, the city claims they're working hard to fix the roads. It's been 3 weeks, the potholes are still there and the city says they're not at fault. FML

By Xabeix - 3/6/2019 08:00 - Canada - Gatineau

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Today, while grabbing a husk of corn out of the boiling hot pot, I splashed hot water on my neck, dropped the corn on my injured toe, and cut myself on the counters, all while my family laughed at my pain. FML

By klutz - 25/8/2010 04:14 - Canada

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Today, I locked my keys in my car. Good thing I went to Lowe's to make spares, which are also now locked in the car. FML

By Anonymous - 25/5/2013 04:50 - United States - Clifton

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Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML

By hannah - 17/2/2011 05:58 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was in a parking lot looking for a spot, and after driving around for a long while I finally found one. A homeless man was taking a shit on it. FML

By jackpot - 9/5/2011 01:53 - Venezuela

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Today, I made spaghetti bolognese for three people. Of those three people, only one got food poisoning. Me. FML

By Dizzie Rascal - 31/8/2016 11:01 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML

By Embarressed... - 4/8/2010 10:25 - United Kingdom

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Today, I woke up to a horrible smell only to realize that my dog had peed all over my leg cast during the night. I can't get another one because the closest doctors are all on Christmas vacation. Guess this is an early Christmas present from my dog. FML

By ChaoticGamer - 23/12/2015 15:15 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I was visiting a national park and went for a swim. Afterwards, I needed to change clothes but the bathrooms were closed. I went off into the woods to change. As soon as I was naked, I heard hooves and sixteen people on horseback rode by. I'd stripped by a horse trail. FML

By FishStampede - 16/5/2009 12:11 - Korea Republic of

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Today, after an emergency doctor told me to go to the pharmacy to get Zantac for possible stomach ulcers, I was told by the pharmacist that it was actually recalled a year ago. I had to pay almost double the price for another antacid. Thanks a lot for knowing your stuff, ER doctor. FML

By angie24w - 19/6/2020 07:55

On the ball

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