Today, I woke up to my boyfriend repeatedly whispering in my ear, "You want to give me a blowjob". Yes, he actually thought it would work. FML
Spicy
Today, I visited my sick grandpa for a few hours in the hospital. His roommate, also an elderly man, wouldn't stop masturbating. FML
Today, I saw one one of my cat's hairs on my sweatpants and wanted to remove it. It wasn't a cat hair, but a pubic hair that has found its way through my panties and sweatpants while being still attached to me. FML
PeppermintPenny tells us more.
OP here, hi. I REALLY can’t believe this got posted. Out of all the times I tried, this FML had to be my first that got published. I would’ve preferred some others, but that’s what you get for trying I guess. I bet you’re all wondering about my age, I’m 19. Being completely curious about the background of most FMLs, I promised myself I’d do a follow-up no matter what, so here it is. It seems my post has divided the community. I trim! Thanks to everyone jumping to my defense saying that unshaven/untrimed hair isn’t strong enough to pierce through clothing. It has grown a little longer in the last couple of weeks since I’m currently at home for the semester break and left my trimmer in my apartment at the university (I have a seperate razor for my armpits). But its still in a normal range even if I say so myself. To the event itself: I haven’t been feeling well the last few days and had been wearing the sweatpants, that are a little on the flimsy side, for a little over 24 hours. I was with my family but they didn’t pay attention to me. In our house everywhere is cat hair, so its not a notable thing to pick a few of the cats hairs of your clothing. Imagine my surprise when I tried removing that particular hair and I felt a tuck. It didn’t hurt, like some might think, cause I don’t rip cat hair from my clothing. I got up, washed my hands and moved my sweatpants around so it was tucked back in. Not a permanent solution, I know, but I do plan on taking care of it this week. I hope you all understand that I mean I will trim this week. To all those people saying „EWWW, OP YOU HAVE TO SHAVE“: I’m not here to please you and I can do whatever I want with my body as long as it doesn’t affect others and believe me, this sure as hell doesn’t affect you, so please hold back your unwanted advice. On the hygienic viewpoint: I have never read this much about vaginal care at once, and that on FML. While you can do whatever you feel right about, don’t lecture me on what you THINK is best. I like lifestyle advice best with facts that have been scientifically proven. Ratings in the **** industry don’t count. The pro bush front almost has me convinced to let it sprout, because it appears to have a lot of (hygienic) advantages, but I think I strike the happy medium and keep with neat trimming. I would ask my boyfriend on his preference, but I’m single (always have been and fear that I always will be, but I think that‘s another FML altogether). I hope I answered most of your questions. I’m purposly not answering all of them, but if you ask nicely and respectfully maybe I will. Thanks again to those who defended me and didn’t assume I was a unhygienic, disgusting bitch, just because I let my pubic hair grow a little. You’re the best and I really feel accepted here and much better about the FML. Without you, there probably wouldn’t be a follow-up. Also some comments really made me laugh out loud, keep up the good work!
Today, while at the zoo with my boyfriend, he pointed at the howling gorillas and shouted over to me: "Hah! That's what you sound like in bed!" FML
Noob
Today, things got heated with my boyfriend for the first time. Turns out he's even more inexperienced than I thought; when I started grinding against him, he frowned and said, "Um... why're you doing that? We've still got clothes on..." FML
This sparks joy
Today, I was shopping with my boyfriend when we came across the most beautiful piece of Japanese furniture. When I inspected it closely, my boyfriend started laughing. Turns out I was making the same noise I make when I orgasm in reaction to a piece of furniture. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked me to take my belt off as the buckle was hurting her leg. I didn't have a belt on. FML
Today, I needed to pee at my friend's house. His bathroom door is often left closed even if there's no one in there, so I knocked just to make sure. His stepdad opened the door stark naked. FML
Excuse me
Today, my parents walked in on me, having sex. No, I wasn't having sex. They were. FML
Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, with whom I am genuinely in love. Right after I'd got the condom on, she said, "You do know this is break-up sex, right?" FML
Today, my husband was involved in a horrible series of accidents; he repeatedly slipped and fell into my best friend's vagina. FML
Nooooo!
Today, I found my dad's porn stash on his laptop. I went through it for a laugh to see what kind of sick, twisted shit he's into. Mostly nude pictures of my mum, as it turns out. I can't wipe the afterimage from my mind. FML
Today, I took the biggest, most excruciatingly painful crap of my life. It was so bad that I couldn't walk straight for a good 20 minutes afterwards. Long enough for my boyfriend to film me limping around and post the clip to Facebook with the caption "#anal ftw ;)". FML
Today, my father decided it would be a good idea to give me the sex talk, at Target, at the top of his lungs. FML
No empathy
Today, it's been a week since I was dumped. I planned to stay at my apartment, cry, and eat chocolate in peace. My roommate decided to have loud sex with her boyfriend in the apartment. She refused to quiet down, saying, "My body, my rules." FML
Today, I gave my friend condoms since he didn't have any and he was planning on "getting lucky." Little did I know he was planning on "getting lucky" with my sister. FML
Misunderstood
Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms. I couldn't find them anywhere, so I nervously asked a staff member for help. She scowled, pointed at the shelf directly behind me, and told me to, "Get a life. Or better pick-up lines." I'll never live down the snickers from the other customers. FML
Today, while camping, I was given the sex talk, along with visuals created with marshmallows and a roasting fork. FML
Judgy
Today, my mother worked out that my boyfriend and I are having sex. Instead of confronting me about it, she now just sits and stares at me judgmentally whenever I'm in the same room as her, making me feel incredibly uncomfortable. FML
Dealbreaker
Today, my girlfriend dumped me. Not for cheating or for flirting, but because I wear tighty whities. FML
It's business time
Today, I tried to surprise my husband by wearing something sexy to bed. He didn't say anything, just laughed and left the room for 10 minutes. The little confidence I had disappeared, so I changed, feeling stupid for thinking I could pull off sexy. He got mad at me for being confusing. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. He claimed it wasn't cheating because he's not romantically attracted to her. FML
Today, at Walmart, I overheard a lady telling a teenage girl that the secret to keeping a guy for life is giving him anal, but that it's important to clean your "shitter" beforehand. I can't believe these kinds of sick freaks actually exist. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, some homeless person came up to the window and started doing a voice-over. FML
Today, what my friends call my "resting bitch face" freaked my boyfriend out enough during sex that he went soft inside me. FML
Today, I spent 5 hours organizing my porn collection on my computer. What the hell am I doing with my life? FML
Today, I found out my husband has been sleeping with one of the women in our marriage counselling group. FML
Gotcha
Today, I jokingly sent my girlfriend a link to an article about giving better head. She didn't think it was funny, and has since sent me numerous articles about the female orgasm, and I just got a link to the Wikipedia article about the clitoris. FML
Traumatized knob
Today, I got my first handjob. I also found out today that a girl can pull your skin hard enough to cause it to bleed profusely. FML
Today, my girlfriend took off my pants for the first time. She was more impressed by the pattern on my boxers than by my cock. FML