Today, I was going down on my girlfriend when I noticed a hickey...

By tehhotness - 27/3/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend when I noticed a hickey near her hip. I said, "wow, last night was crazy, I don't even remember doing that!". Without even interrupting the action, she simply said, "You didn't". FML

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Intimacy

Property law

Fashion Police

Deep-seated resentment

By Username - 17/3/2010 00:46 - France

Today, at a debate tournament based on domestic abuse, my partner yells out, "Has anyone considered that maybe the women DESERVED to be beaten?" FML

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By uhoh901 - 25/3/2010 11:07 - United States

Today, I just had a phone interview with a college. The lady asked me to spell out my password to a site so she can access my test scores. The password was "dick." FML

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By anonymous - 15/6/2011 18:00 - Canada

Today, I had to lie to my female roommate about what happened last night. She was drunk and spent half the night cuddling with me and trying to get me to kiss her. I've loved this girl for two years, but I promised her I wouldn't let her cheat on her boyfriend with anyone. Even me. FML

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By soccerbooty - 7/6/2010 06:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started to plan our wedding. He included a clown. FML

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By disturbedtosaytheleast - 27/1/2012 11:19 - Canada

Today, I discovered that when the man living in the house behind me thinks no one in the surrounding area is home, he likes to take his laundry off the line wearing nothing but a pair of sandals. FML

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By CodeJunky - 17/2/2016 02:15 - United States

Today, I found out how far my car can go after the fuel light comes on: All the way to the stoplight before the nearest gas station. FML

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By Tom - 10/3/2011 11:09

Today, after setting up surveillance in my front yard to see whose dog keeps crapping on my lawn, I finally caught the culprit on film. It was my heroin addict neighbour. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2012 12:30 - United States

Today, I found out how it feels to get your nut-sack caught in a belt buckle. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2011 06:34 - Canada

Today, I was chased on my bike by a couple of guys in a car. I rode into a public park to cut through and try to lose them. I looked by to check if they were following me, but they had to stop. I laughed, looked forward, and rammed into a little girl. FML

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By FlyingCoffeeMonster - 8/8/2016 19:12 - United States - Oreland

Today, I was having my morning coffee while getting ready for work. I grabbed clothes off the floor to throw in the hamper. I accidentally threw my full coffee instead. FML

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By Invisible - 15/6/2017 22:00

Today, I realized how little my husband, son and I mean to my in-laws. We were somehow left off the distribution list for my sister-in-law's birthday party. I even texted her to wish her well. It wouldn't be so bad if this wasn't the fifth consecutive family event we were left out of. FML

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By norestforthewicked - 19/4/2011 04:30

Today, my family and I discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge, after I woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream, surrounded by my parents, brother, and dogs. Apparently my recent dieting plans aren't going over too well with my subconscious. FML

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By anonymous - 28/7/2011 05:39 - United States

Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2015 19:18 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to explain to my little sister that not all guitars are supposed to have a hole in them, that when I was talking about "breaking it in" I didn't mean I'd smash a hole in it, and that she shouldn't have taken a hammer to my expensive new guitar. FML

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By Damn.... - 28/1/2011 19:26 - United States

Today, I was given the ultimate ultimatum: either I suffer excruciating stomach pains and remain a hostage to the porcelain whirlpool goddess, or I stop taking pain medication and face the wrath of a raging infection in my jaw. FML

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By soconfused - 3/3/2015 10:15 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I have been at my new job for almost a month and still have no idea what I'm doing. FML

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By EpicFail - 11/1/2009 20:59 - United States

Today, a woman at the crowded mall stopped me and told me loudly that if I bought her product it would get rid of my acne. FML

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By ALLALA - 4/4/2009 23:34 - Canada

Today, my husband and I were watching TV. An info-mercial came on for a diamond cross necklace that had the lord's prayer engraved inside of it. As the commercial ended I said, "who in their right mind would actually buy that?" Turns out, my husband would, for our anniversary. FML

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By "lk07" - 23/4/2019 12:00 - United States - Richmond

Today, I'm stuck in bed with a fever, aches, and nasty cough. My kids and husband had it too, and kept coughing without covering their mouths, despite my asking several times so I wouldn't get sick. FML

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By TappedAnts - 8/4/2016 01:45 - United States - Seabrook

Today, I went to a family reunion with my brother and my mother. She spent quite a while giving a glowing introduction for my brother to one of her cousins. Then, just before walking off, she jerked a thumb in my direction and said, "Oh, yeah, and that's his sister." FML

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By anon - 20/3/2015 21:43 - United States - Arlington

Today, I decided I would actually make use of my apartment complex's exercise equipment. My routine consisted of one mile on the treadmill, and 15 minutes on the toilet followed by 10 minutes of lying in the fetal position on my bath mat. Great core workout. FML

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By nycplywood - 18/11/2009 21:01 - United States

Today, I learned that if you stare at your cat and her eyes suddenly get really big, it means she's going to maul your face. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2013 16:51 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I went to have a breast exam. The doc told me that she would touch different parts of my breasts, and said to tell her if at any point it felt painful. As she was examining me, I was going to say that it wasn't painful, but instead I blurted out, "It feels good." FML

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By need new job - 24/4/2016 18:12 - Germany

Today, I was hired as a student assistant. I was excited, until I learned on my very first day that "Supporting the academic staff in their research" actually meant walking the professor's dog. FML

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By SMV - 11/11/2008 06:53 - France

Today, my company was having a huge party. I got to work dressed in my best outfit. At the the lunch break my boss told me, "You really missed out on something yesterday, it was great fun!" FML

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By oops. - 22/12/2018 16:00

Today, my wife had a nip-slip. At my family reunion. In front of everyone. FML

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By luciazee - 6/6/2013 20:51 - Peru - Lima

Today, after having spent years staying in school, working hard to achieve good grades, and avoiding all the bad kids, my mom accused me of having no direction in life and complained about how I haven't given her a grandchild yet. I'm 19. FML

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By shocked1 - 7/1/2009 15:22 - Canada

Today, I was doing a local search at SexSearch.com and I found my sister's profile. FML

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By unsuckable - 28/8/2015 06:13 - United States - Denver

Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 21:45 - United States - Loveland

Today, during my family's traditional 4th of July weekend celebration, my water broke. I kept trying to tell them and asked them to take me to the hospital, but they couldn't hear me over the fireworks. They all just kept smiling and nodding. FML

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By Cromwel620 - 23/2/2010 11:52 - United States

Today, I was working the night shift at the hotel I'm employed at. After checking in a young couple to the room above the main office, I was forced to listen to them having it off for most of the night, serving a very loud reminder that I've been single for five years. FML

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By I'maboutobarf - 31/1/2013 10:28 - Australia

Today, my mum got a new blender. Dinner was roast beef, broccoli, cauliflower, pumpkin, potatoes and water. In a cup. FML

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By rachel - 10/8/2013 20:56 - Germany - K?ln

Today, my little brother told me to give him my phone so he could play a game on it. I said no, because I was taking a call from a friend at the time. He then walked over to the wall, headbutted it, burst into tears, then told my parents that I punched him. They believed him. FML

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By wowsucks - 30/1/2010 09:40 - United States

Today, I realized that the only reason my boyfriend has been coming over to hang out at my house for the past two months is because my little brother has an N64. I have become a third wheel to their mario kart dates. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2012 05:47 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my mother-in-law said I wasn't the type she expected her son to marry, as he's always dated cheerleaders and model types. I must have looked offended, so she added, "I mean they weren't smart like you." So, I might be smart but I'm the ugliest girl my husband has ever been with. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2016 17:45 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I overheard my friends laughing about how my anxiety means I'll be single forever. I was too anxious to confront them. FML

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By Kelly - 29/11/2016 18:57

Today, I discovered that my 17-year-old daughter received several weird deposits from Paypal. I checked her phone to discover that she had changed the password for the first time in years. Fearing drugs, I confronted her. She broke down and confessed to selling rare digital Pokemon on eBay. FML

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By anon - 11/7/2015 12:51 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after coming home from an AFL match in Melbourne at about 11pm, I saw a woman asleep on the train as we neared the end of the line. Being a nice person, I went to wake her, to which she started screaming and trying to punch me. FML

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By Pants-Girl - 24/11/2019 08:00 - Canada

Public surprise

Today, I was out walking downtown. A woman walking behind the thought that my pants were hanging too low. She came over to me and yanked my pants up. FML

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By K-Rat - 9/10/2016 12:16 - United States

Today, my cat loves to chase birds. In fact, he loves it so much, he ran out of the litter box mid-poop to chase one, forcing me to wipe his ass. FML

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Top comments

By songstress4life | 0

#62994 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:05

Wow... she didn't even kinda feel remorseful. Sorry, dude!

By Shadowflames420 | 0

#62998 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:06

she still your girlfriend? wtf is wrong with you! dump her!

COMMENTS

By songstress4life | 0

#62994 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:05

Wow... she didn't even kinda feel remorseful. Sorry, dude!

maddieguinn | 0

#981562 - Monday 19 April 2010 0:35

dump her¡！¿,«»§₩）（；°９８

XxCherryxX | 0

#2383583 - Thursday 21 April 2011 16:13

Bananas in Pajamas FTW!!

By Shadowflames420 | 0

#62998 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:06

she still your girlfriend? wtf is wrong with you! dump her!

breeY0 | 7

#3901010 - Wednesday 18 January 2012 1:10

keep her pants and throw that ass out !

T9FTW | 20

#5079357 - Thursday 25 October 2012 9:15

Did you continue to go down?

By ellebell | 0

#63005 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:09

umm...at least she was honest

By Miller_Time | 0

#63006 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:09

What a bitch!

By whattheeff | 0

#63008 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:09

I hope you stopped right after she said that and dumped her..

By maedoc | 0

#63009 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:09

you sure she knew you thought she was your gf? seems like she didnt see you as a very serious thing man

By piderman13 | 0

#63011 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:09

WOOWW that blows....apparently she enjoys going around doing that too... i would have stood up and walked out...unless its your house then just pick her up and carry her out and set her outside the way she is and lock the door hahahahhaha

By roll_fukng_tide | 0

#63013 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:10

I confess....It was me

By boner | 0

#63023 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:15

Mr Peanut Butter and Rover had a blast last night... Where were you numb nuts?

By PlasticShark | 0

#63025 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:16

guttered !