Valentine's slay, Looking good and Miscellaneous: Today, my grandma sent me a Valentine's Day card. For years she's...

By bcca - 13/02/2012 14:22 - United States

Today, my grandma sent me a Valentine's Day card. For years she's been hinting at me to lose weight. The card: a picture of cookies on the front and a gym membership inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 114

You deserved it 6 314

Valentine's slay Looking good Miscellaneous

Finishing touch

Haters

Baby you can't drive my car

By Anonymous - 03/03/2012 03:05 - United States

Today, I was chatting to my brother on Skype. Out of the blue, and just as I read the punchline to a hilarious joke, he said his girlfriend had been cheating on him. I couldn't stifle my side-splitting laughter, and he's been ignoring my calls since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 800

You deserved it 9 964

By notenoughsex - 19/03/2009 05:46 - Canada

Today, I saw a video in class about women aged 65+ and their sex lives. An elderly, blind woman was having sex at her senior's home. I don't know what's worse, watching an hour-long documentary on this, or the fact that these women are having way more sex than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 495

You deserved it 10 454

By omgomgomg - 27/10/2011 21:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a rush and had to get changed in a train restroom. While changing, I leaned against the button that opened the door. Not only do train toilet doors open and close very slowly, leaving you half naked for a few seconds, but everyone in the carriage opposite can see clearly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 204

You deserved it 4 166

By jnp414 - 29/05/2016 01:11 - United States - Bristol

Today, my house key jammed inside the lock, which would've been annoying even if I hadn't been desperately running from my neighbor's psycho pitbull at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 457

You deserved it 1 508

By elle - 23/05/2011 10:17

Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 248

You deserved it 4 129

By cman - 26/02/2010 11:17 - Romania

Today, I was walking past a group of old men exiting a building. All of a sudden, I heard a strange splashing sound, and discovered one of the completely inebriated men walking behind me, pissing on my boots. I sped up, but so did he, and he didn't miss once until he was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 025

You deserved it 3 115

By tammylauraine - 29/02/2012 18:21 - United States

Today, after handing out several résumés for several jobs, I realized that I forgot to add my phone number to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 178

You deserved it 31 823

By Coffee Boy - 23/06/2012 04:55 - United States - Chesterfield

Today, my mom reached the lowest point of her midlife crisis. She convinced herself she's psychic and grounded me for something she "knows" I'm going to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 020

You deserved it 1 980

Song sung blue

By Anonymous - 31/07/2012 06:42 - United States - Houston

Today, I was upset over a recent break up. It showed while I was at work, and I made a customer sad just by looking blue. She complained to my manager. I got written up for being so depressed that I got a customer depressed too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 556

You deserved it 3 598

By SonOfaSpy - 18/07/2011 01:51 - United States

Today, we found out why we were getting notes on our door telling us to "move out or else." As my mom works for the government and we have a direct-TV dish on our roof, our neighbor thinks we were sent to listen to his phone calls and read his mind. We were here before he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 993

You deserved it 2 655

Cat Burglar!

By Aimee Lutz - 19/10/2017 22:00

Today, I found my lost cat. As I was hooking it up to a leash to get it in my car, a man approached and asked what I was doing. His kids alerted him that there was a woman stealing their cat from their front lawn. It was not my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 061

You deserved it 1 066

By Ixi_the_pixie - 06/01/2012 16:16 - United States

Today, my therapist told me, "I'm sorry, but I'm not qualified to handle your level of instability." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 825

You deserved it 4 756

Emergency room time

By maya - 09/03/2021 20:01

Today, I was called a "wimp" and a "pussy" for crying and screaming after lightly bumping my hand on a wall. It’s been five hours and it still feels as though my skin is being ripped off the bones in my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 620

You deserved it 323

By shiiiiit - 15/11/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I was having trouble blowing out the last of the several candles on my bedside table. Exasperated, I blew as hard as I could, which sent hot wax from the other candles shooting into the air, all over my face and into my eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 102

You deserved it 12 477

By RupeeLink - 27/07/2009 23:33 - United Kingdom

Today, to cheer my girlfriend up after her mother died a week ago, I took her to a comedy club. The comedian's theme for the night happened to be mother-daughter relationships. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 634

You deserved it 7 978

By hate enough to kill... - 14/10/2012 20:57 - Netherlands - Stevensweert

Today, I witnessed my mother-in-law reach into my wife's purse and practically empty it out into her pocket. When I confronted her and called my wife into the room, both of them accused me of lying through my teeth, because I've always hated her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 444

You deserved it 1 988

By Anonymous - 05/07/2013 04:59 - Canada - Newmarket

Today, my daughter asked me to get her razors. When my 19-year-old son saw them he asked what they were for, to which my daughter replied, "For my armpits." My son then said, "Girls don't grow armpit hair." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 878

You deserved it 6 883

By technical - 31/03/2015 02:50 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I had to explain to someone that all beverages, except plain water, actually have calories. They weren't too happy that their milkshake diet was over before it began. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 901

You deserved it 2 361

By methane overload - 19/01/2013 01:32 - United States

Today, while on the bus, the guy sitting beside me let out the vilest and most nauseating fart I've ever encountered, the kind that could retroactively sterilize five generations of one's ancestors with the smell alone. As I gagged, he smirked and said, "That's Taco Bell for ya." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 139

You deserved it 3 811

By Worky Workerton - 22/09/2016 17:14 - United States - Oakland

Today, I was fired without warning from my job because I was not consulting my boss about things like washing dishes and throwing away garbage. Basically, I was fired for being too good at my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 720

You deserved it 845

By Raiders4ever - 21/10/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 300

You deserved it 24 944

By displeased - 05/04/2012 06:47 - United States - Candler

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is afraid of female orgasms. Right as I was about to climax, he panicked, pulled out, and ran into the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 638

You deserved it 3 535

By Anonymous - 09/09/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, for the first time ever, while I was driving I ran over a squirrel. It was in front of three little girls at their lemonade stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 612

You deserved it 5 888

Assumptions

By Martin s - 08/05/2021 01:59 - United States - Manahawkin

Today, I saw the crazy meth guy, who randomly rolls up on you on his bike and tells you how he met Jesus, leading a little boy behind a church. After I made sure nothing weird was happening, I reported it to the police and posted a status to warn parents on Facebook, I found it was actually his kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 462

You deserved it 864

By jolene11 - 17/05/2010 02:24 - United States

Today, I found out my husband doesn't love me. At all. He told me this while playing Call of Duty with his friends with his microphone on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 651

You deserved it 3 841

By nightwalker2253 - 16/11/2015 07:13 - United States - Orange

Today, I was floating on a river with some friends when I accidentally splashed one of their girlfriends in the face. She started crying and everyone gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the trip. We are all 26 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 327

You deserved it 2 401

By Michael - 04/01/2010 08:50 - Australia

Today, my 4 year old daughter was ripping out photos of the family photo book, I asked her why she was doing it she answered, "I saw mummy doing it to another book." The only other family photo book was the day we got married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 013

You deserved it 2 907

By Holly - 29/08/2012 04:59 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to wait in a hospital room because I cut myself with a knife while trying to open a box of soda. After three stitches, I went home only to notice the box has an easy-open tab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 308

You deserved it 31 632

By boyo - 21/05/2009 09:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was visiting my sick grandmother in the hospital when my cousin and I were playing in some empty wheelchairs. After goofing off I said, "They're fun, but I would kill myself if I was in a wheelchair." A little boy rounded the corner and said, "Tell me about it." He was in a wheelchair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 300

You deserved it 81 897

By Anonymous - 16/09/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, I was having an after work-out dinner with my ex-girlfriend and we were having a great time, catching up, eating good food, all the good things. Then when I got home, I realized I just talked to my ex-girlfriend for an hour and a half about how much better her new boyfriend is than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 858

You deserved it 39 941

Whisky dickhead

By noO - 07/02/2016 17:43 - United States - Greenwood

Today, for the seventh weekend in a row, I left my weekly visit with my long-distance boyfriend unsatisfied. Seems he enjoys getting shit-faced drunk more than he enjoys getting a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 117

You deserved it 3 851

By morgan_love11 - 05/06/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, I found out my sister has a nickname for me due to my recent breakouts. It's "volcano face". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 293

You deserved it 4 826

By Anonymous - 27/09/2015 07:10 - United States - Queens Village

Today, while singing Happy Birthday to my husband, I desperately needed to fart. I couldn't leave the room, so I let it out real slow. There were over 20 of us there, yet somehow my mother-in-law knew it was me. She went over to the window and opened it wide, all while glaring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 065

You deserved it 4 024

By it's v - 17/03/2018 08:00 - United States - Denver

Today, after my flight arrived late, I ran 60 gates to get my connecting flight. I sprinted up to the gate agent, completely out of breath, and he looked at me, shut the door, and said, “The door is shut. You’re too late.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 297

You deserved it 289

By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 16:32 - Argentina

Today, I woke up to find my new roommate staring straight at me. She then went on to say, "I love how you sleep," and continued to stare. I live in a residence off campus and I've already changed roommates twice this year. I'm stuck with a person who stares at me sleep for the next two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 372

You deserved it 3 884

By Moth_Balled - 15/12/2015 04:50 - Australia

Today, my wife knelt down in front me to give me a blowjob. As she took my underwear off a moth flew out of them. I've got no idea how it got there but I was cock-blocked by a moth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 396

You deserved it 6 357

By ThanksForTheWarningDad - 22/07/2016 11:09 - United States - Wood River

Today, my dad didn't mention he had just aired up the tire on my van and that it might have a hole in it. It wasn't flat when I left the house but it sure as hell was when it exploded, not even a mile down the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 144

You deserved it 897

By blabbermouth - 08/10/2012 17:26 - South Africa - Port Elizabeth

Today, my boyfriend and I made love for the first time. Before we left his house so he could walk me home, I fixed my hair by the hall mirror and joked about having serious sex hair. My boyfriend quickly reminded me that his incredibly religious mother was in the next room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 024

You deserved it 37 164

By suckstobeme - 16/04/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what her favorite quality about me was. Her answer, "Your car." FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 981

You deserved it 8 772

By Anonymous - 31/08/2011 14:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent thirty minutes in the shower trying to remove "Pierre", a face complete with moustache that my girlfriend drew in sharpie on the tip of my cock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 656

You deserved it 11 199

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Top comments

catatonicsleep 17

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Saturday 13 February 2010 20:03

gym membership is often expensive and you just got it for free...

BbYhRtLsS 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 19:59

kind of contradicting isn't it?

pcgeek 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 19:59

first

Freeze_fml 16

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Saturday 13 February 2010 19:59

Here's a cookie for you, too!

Diannaa 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 20:06

Heyyyy free gym membership =] I would be happy with that, those can get really expensive, and gyms are fun lol so I wouldn't think this is an actual FML

gloogle 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 20:29

that card would be like getting a life and getting of the computer then your mom comes in and says she renewed your world of warcraft acount

brii1255 0

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Sunday 14 February 2010 2:36

lol so many people r postin about how op is ungrateful . its true :P PLUS OP please go exercise lol TAKE A HINT

farsidee 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 19:59

lose some weight fatty!

omfgItzme 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 22:09

heyy at least she cares for you rite? mayb you shud take the hints and lose some weight

BbYhRtLsS 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 19:59

kind of contradicting isn't it?

dgv 13

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Saturday 13 February 2010 21:37

only way she'd open it!

ImaginaryFoe 0

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Sunday 14 February 2010 3:27

dgv, I'm mad at myself for laughing at that! LOL You did get a free gym membership, OP. Rels can be annoying but assume she's doing it out of love and concern. Or if you are really pissed, just let the membership go to waste or use just the steam rooms or something.

goatboy197 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 20:00

that's mean

girlygirllol8 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 22:34

hahahaha nicceee

catatonicsleep 17

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Saturday 13 February 2010 20:03

gym membership is often expensive and you just got it for free...

Starfire22 5

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Saturday 13 February 2010 21:12

I know, i wish mine was free :( take the hint op?

keoct 4

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Saturday 13 February 2010 20:03

Don’t take it to heart, I simply use these few words when ever my grandparents start complaining about something, “Don’t let them get to you, they’ll be dead soon anyways". Problem solved.

rejectreality101 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 20:04

Precisely

Sabre300 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 20:09

so what you're saying is she should take joy in knowing once her family member is dead, she can proudly continue her unhealthy lifestyle?

NOTaFmL 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 20:23

again #11 total win!!!

keoct 4

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Saturday 13 February 2010 20:29

There is nothing saying that she is unhealthy. My grandparents are always telling my mom that she needs to lose weight but according to her doctor she is under her health weight and need to put some on. Old people are never happy so they try to make other people unhappy like them. I can personally never do right by my grandparents, It started with me not working enough then after my promotion it’s I’m working too much, now it’s the fact I’m 22 and still single because no girl wants be because I don’t make enough money (apparently $80,000-$90,000 a year isn’t enough)