Today, I was taking a pizza order at work, and had to ask the customer's name. I couldn't quite hear what he said, so rather than asking him to repeat himself, I asked how it was spelled. He gave me a funny look and said, "Um, A.J.?" FML
FML - The Follow-Up
martinaaah tells us more.
Today, my roommate came out of the bathroom, and asked me how the scales knew her weight in both pounds and kilos, even though "the exchange rate is always changing." I actually live with this idiot. FML
ak_6694 tells us more.
ak_6694 16
For anyone who is interested, she has taken it with good humour and is still laughing about it. It's one of those electronic scales, so I did briefly get her to believe that due to the GFC, the scales would say she was putting on more pounds than kilos before I came clean with the truth.
Today, my husband revealed that he found me drunk and shoe-less in a shrub in our front garden last night, sending dirty texts to my new employee. I've recently had my meds switched and apparently can't drink now. My husband's pissed, my shoes are gone, and I can't look the new guy in the face. FML
for_fs_sake tells us more.
I called the hospital this morning and was informed by the duty nurse that yes, I definitely should have been told not to drink on the new meds. When I asked why the doc didn't mention it, she replied that "the doctor has been very busy as she's now taken on a management position and she must have forgotten". Fabulous! Happily, my husband's very understanding, and the new guy thinks it's hilaaaaaaaaaaaarious. So right now, I guess it's the lack of shoes and lack of dignity that are the real problems. And yes - I've heard I was a BLAST to drink with last night, until the whole shrub-shoe-booty-text debacle. God, I'm a moron.
Today, as I left work for the parking lot, I noticed two full trashbags duct-taped to my car. They were marked as my property. According to the note left on my windshield, my ex-roommate thought he'd be kind enough to bring my things to me to save me the trip. FML
Snickerfritz tells us more.
Today, I decided to give blood for the first time in my life. As an 18-year-old, 5'1", 110lb woman, I guess I shouldn't have been allowed there, much less permitted to leave the room to get some food. I ended up passing out in the middle of the dining hall. FML
partyrocker12 tells us more.
Hello, OP here! Thank You all for your concern! I'm doing a lot better. I actually ended up passing out three more times before they carted me off to the hospital, where I took a nice nap. I think what did me in was my blood pressure, which to me actually seemed low to give blood. I have normally low blood pressure (96/84 is my average) and it was 100/85, or something like that. They also did not attempt to detain me. As for the amount, they took 2 cups from me, so one of the smaller bags. This is a company that regularly visits my university (not the Red Cross, if it was Red Cross it would be different), and my sorority sister who took care of me had two bags taken from her last year, she's about 5'5" and weighs maybe 170lbs and she nearly passed out. I think the next time I give blood, it will be with RC. They made no attempt to stop me as I went up a flight of stairs, handed my meal card over, and made my way over to the pop machine, which is where I fainted for the first time in my life. Thank You again for your concern, and I'm so glad that I did it.
Today, thinking I was alone in my house, I went downstairs in my underwear, singing at the top of my voice. I strutted into the kitchen to find two middle-aged men I'd never seen before sat at the kitchen table, drinking coffee. Turns out they will be painting our house for the next two weeks. FML
j5maria tells us more.
j5maria 11
Hi everyone, it was me that posted this FML! Loving all your comments, and yes, it was a pretty embarrassing moment.
Today, my mom turned off all internet access in our house because she thought I spent too much time on the computer. She later asked me why she couldn't get on Facebook. FML
Oh_So_Klassical tells us more.
OP Here, and I spend up to 3 hours a day on the computer because I take a computer class and all the homework is online and that's why she turned it off. She called our provider and told them to turn it off, since she didn't know how. I didn't find out until I came home and attempted to do my homework, and by that point, my mom was in a fuss about not being able to get on Facebook. And since I'm her daughter, and clearly know nothing, she refused to believe me. My neighbor is the one who finally convinced her the internet was needed for Facebook.
Today, I went for my follow-up appointment with my surgeon. He walked into the room and said, "I thought you died." FML
Missusluv313 tells us more.
Hello everyone! Yes, he was joking. I just didn't find that shit funny. And he actually is a good doctor. But to make up for it, he gave me extra time off from work. I don't think he would do that to/for everybody, but I work at that hospital.
Today, I got fired for saving my company upwards of $6,000. I'm as confused as you are. FML
Grindwhore tells us more.
They have yet to give me a reason why, I'm still confused as hell.
Today, I was happy to finally receive an email from my younger sister, whom I have not been able to talk to for months due to being in the military stationed overseas. The email was to tell me my mom is in jail. FML
Today, I invited my boyfriend to his first dinner out with my family. As my older brother was discussing the injuries he'd received while working as a tow truck driver, my innocent 10 year old brother piped up saying he should see what I did to my boyfriend's back with my nails. FML
SerendipityRose tells us more.
He didn't actually show him specifically, TJ had his shirt off at the house & my little brother saw his back... He asked what happened & said that TJ got his butt kicked by a girl. It was a harmless joke & look where it got us. So mortifying...
Today, I came home from work to be given $1 by my mother. This normally would have been nice, had my mother not said, "I just sold that ugly old black and white picture frame you always leave lying around in your room." Which also would have been nice if that "frame" wasn't my Kindle. FML
humorizer tells us more.
humorizer 14
^ Yard sale. My parents always complain that I hoard too much junk (they never get the idea behind why I have so many different controllers for my NES, SNES, Genesis, N64, Wii, PS3, Xbox, Xbox 360, etc)... and demand that I throw away all the controllers and only keep "one or two since that's all you need". And don't get me started on chargers... they think all I need is one single charger to take care of my multitude of laptops and game consoles and cameras... So when they see a 'worthless picture frame' (which I believe had an image of the Bronte sisters as the default on the lock screen the last time I saw it), they think they're doing me a favor by getting me money by selling a 'picture frame [I] just leave laying around on the floor'.
Today, I was assigned to write a short story about what we imagine Earth to be like in 500 years, and daily conflicts people experience. My teacher loved it and read it aloud to the class. He asked for my inspiration, and I didn't have the heart to say that I ripped off Mass Effect 3. FML
brianfantana32 tells us more.
Today, I decided to be a gentleman and let an old lady have my seat on the bus. Before I could even get up, she sat on my lap and wouldn't get off. I got an involuntary lap dance from a grandma. FML
tdudey123 tells us more.
tdudey123 14
I'm just gonna comment for the badge :P And yes, she was moving around, due to the bus rattling around (I hope).
Today, while I was leaving the grocery store, I realized my ignition key was missing from my pocket. After searching the car and retracing my steps, I walked all the way home. Later, when we went to retrieve the car, the key was sitting in plain sight on the passenger seat. FML
stadams1024 tells us more.
I am the OP. Let me explain the situation more in depth since I only had 300 characters to do so before. My husband had lost his car keys, so I gave him my set and I took the spare lock key and the spare ignition key. I needed to get some groceries and he was at work, so I just went. Before I got out of the car to go inside, I put the keys in my sweatshirt pocket and got out. I got my groceries and came back out to the car, and yes it was in the same spot. I reached in my pocket to pull out my keys and only the lock key was there. I unlocked the car and immediately searched both the front seats, under the seats, in the cracks between the seats and even the back seat. I looked under the car and in the ignition too. I retraced my steps in the store three times and then checked my car again. I asked the service desk if anyone turned in a loose key, but no one had. I called my husband but he couldn't leave to pick me up, so I walked 4 miles home. The walk itself wouldn't have been so horrible had I not broken my foot a few months ago; it still bothers me, and there weren't any sidewalks half the way, so I kept twisting my ankle in holes in the ground. After my husband came home from work, he took me back to the store with his keys and I drove home. It wasn't until a week or so later that I actually found the key in the passenger seat, close to where the back of the cushion and the seat of the cushion met. There is no way I could have missed it when I searched for it and I had driven it a handful of times between the incident and when I found it. It literally appeared out of thin air and it still baffles me.
Today, I was trying to pass a lady with a stroller, when she nearly fell. I used my ninja-like reflexes to catch her. Too bad my ninja-like reflexes didn't block the punch that she delivered to my fap-stick for apparently being a "pervert" for saving her. FML
CaptainSaveAHoe tells us more.
so I planned for her to slip so I could mug her? the amount of logic in this comment is astounding.
Today, I realized that my manager and I have synchronized menstrual cycles. She gets extremely bitchy, and I get extremely vulnerable and emotional - she yells at me and I burst into tears. FML
Today, for the third day in a row, my 10-month-old is refusing to eat any of the meals that I prepare for him. He will however eat anything semi-edible lying on the floor, cat kibble included. FML
amusedslovenia tells us more.
OP here... My son is 10 months old. I'm really at my wits' end. He had been a good eater from the start, unlike his older brother who I couldn't get to eat anything either. I set out to feed my kids all organic, home-made, fresh and so forth. I gave up with my first after having spent literally hours a day preparing healthy, nutritious and yes, tasty foods that he wouldn't touch beyond a spoon or two. My two year old grew fine on very little food and now eats the same we do. My younger. however, is tiny for his age - he wears clothes for 3mo (but developing normally, thank God, and the pedi's not concerned). I can only get him to taste a spoon of something and then it's over. But anything he picks up from the floor (bread crumbs, and yes, cat kibble (food), he will eat. And scream when I take it away from him. Maybe he's on a strike or teething or... I don't know. Maybe I should start placing food on the floor for him LOL.
Today, the acne on one side of my face has flared up at the corners of my mouth, making me look just like The Joker. FML
Today, I'm so broke that I hand-washed my socks with a bar of soap that I stole from work. FML
Lauraborealous tells us more.
for those saying that I should have stolen laundry soap or similar, i work at a restaurant, this wouldn't be possible
Today, I found out that the "vines" I was cutting down this morning were actually poison oak. I can only see out of one eye, and I'm virtually unrecognizable due to the facial swelling. FML
merissa22 tells us more.
Today, my dad wants me to spray a wasp nest, because I'm the fittest family member and can run the fastest. The wasps are already angry, and I'm allergic to them. FML
iliveintexas tells us more.
Hey everyone, in case you're wondering, I have NOT sprayed the nests yet (my dad has informed me there are around 10 nests), but I will be sure to record it, because I am an idiot. PS: Thank you all for the helpful comments, I am aware that I should wear long pants and a long shirt. However (for my favorite comment), in Texas, it is hard to find a cheap steel-forged suit of armor, as well as to craft one. More soon, David (iliveintexas, and author of this FML)
Today, I was playing with my vibrator. I was getting close when all of a sudden it short-circuited and made a sound like a laughing clown, scaring me half to death. FML
Geckosrock99 tells us more.
OP here. First of all, I'm nineteen. The ninety-nine in my username is just a random number. Not my birth year and not the number of geckos I have (or rather, used to have.) The vibrator wasn't running low on batteries. I had just changed them and, unfortunately for me, it was dying for good. I've had my fear of clowns since I was seven, because of that "IT" movie, so hearing that noise in the dark was pretty scary.
Today, I received a call from my future sister in-law, telling me that she and her future husband had decided to hold their wedding ceremony on my birthday. I was told not to celebrate my birthday, as it would "take away the attention to the true meaning of the day." FML
SuzyTurquoiseBlu tells us more.
Well, they aren't really liked in the family and I think that its both really rude and sad of them to try and piggy-back their special occasions with mine. My sister in-law and her fiancee got engaged in the waiting room while I was in ACTIVE labour with my daughter and got pissed off that everyone wasn't falling over themselves to congratulate them.
Today, there's a cricket in my apartment. I don't know if I'm more annoyed by the fact that it somehow got up three flights of stairs to get here, or that my cat is so excited about it that he's jumping on me and howling in my face to announce the cricket's presence instead of killing it. FML
calivianya tells us more.
calivianya 29
Just so you guys know, I have a whole lot of furniture. I'm pretty sure the cricket was hiding under one of the pieces of furniture, but every time I got near my couch, ottoman, armchair, side table, or bookcase, it stopped chirping. It was pretty hard to tell where it was coming from!
Today, I found out that my crush didn't remember calling me beautiful, telling me he liked me, or any of the other romantic things he said to me while drunk last night. He did however remember me promising to bake him cookies. FML
coolcocoxxx tells us more.
coolcocoxxx 12
For anyone wondering, he didn't get the cookies. And it was before he started flirting with me... His birthday was coming up soo
Today, I had a hard time taking a dump. Before flushing, I noticed two pennies and a dime incrusted in my turd. It seems that yesterday, while drunk, I swallowed some change. FML
chrisbravo tells us more.
OP replies: It was a hell of a night. It "changed" my life.
Today, I came home to find that the entire ceiling in the kitchen of my apartment had caved in due to an extremely leaky water pipe. The same water pipe maintenance said they had fixed three days ago. FML
ByronJess tells us more.
Thank you, DocBastard. Also, I'm not one of those crazy Americans portrayed on television who feels the need to sue for everything. First off, maintenance is admitting the fixed something wrong. Second, I've made some pretty big mistakes in my life too. Third, I'd rather not put the apartment complex whet I live in any financial turmoil, I like it here and I need a place to live.
Today, I found out that my new husband is expecting two children: ours, due in January, and our 16-year-old neighbor's, due in March. FML
Just_Me_88 tells us more.
Well, I am OP, and I am indeed 23...I met my husband when I was 18....and his ex was 17. She "lied" to him about her age. I am amazed I have bought it for so long. Yup, he is certainly a soon-to-be ex. Right after he loses his jewels. (kidding...maybe, lol) My soon-to-be-ex just turned 36.
Today, my boyfriend was coming home after a month of being away. When I heard him knock on the door, I rushed to open it and jumped into his arms for a hug. It wasn't him; it was the mailman. FML
SquishFish tells us more.
SquishFish 15
Haha I'm OP. Well our door is solid so i couldn't see him. He was supposed to be there soon, so naturally I thought it was him. The mailman looked flustered for a moment (he was an awesome old guy) and then he smiled saying "Wow someone is excited about getting the mail!"