Health: Today, I found out that the "vines" I was cutting down this morning...

By merissa22 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that the "vines" I was cutting down this morning were actually poison oak. I can only see out of one eye, and I'm virtually unrecognizable due to the facial swelling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24224

You deserved it

4153

Favorite

merissa22 tells us more :

nothing like a shot in my ass after trying to sum up the courage to go out in public won't help

Health

Proactive

Time for the ER

Teenagers, amirite?

By drivingmecrazy - United States - Sacramento

Today, I called 911 to report a drunk driver. The operator yelled at me for following the guy and told me to get off the phone because I shouldn't be driving with a phone to my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29268

You deserved it

7236

Favorite

By SomePeoplesKids - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I walked in on my daughter attempting to iron her pants with a hair straightener. She's 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26064

You deserved it

6247

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was looking through some old family photos. I don't know what the hell was going on in my head, but I idly double-tapped on one to zoom in. They were prints. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10200

You deserved it

29330

Favorite

By onefmlafteranother

Vicious dog

Today, I was laying my head on my dad's dog when he walked in. I jokingly asked my dad, "I'm cuddling with your dog, are you jealous?" At that moment, the dog lets a massive, earth-quaking fart and my dad promptly responded, "Nope!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1585

You deserved it

538

Favorite

By ANON - United States - Littleton

Today, I went straight from work to a blind date, and I decided to change in my car at the parking lot. Someone pulled up next to me as I had my ass to the window. It was my date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19608

You deserved it

8517

Favorite

By constipated

Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4248

You deserved it

425

Favorite

By HairyLeggedItalian - United States

Today, I was putting a wooden shelf into my new TV stand. Right before I put it in, I rested it on my leg. I then realized that the wood was of poor quality, and it gave me splinters. Now, I can't remove the splinters, because I can't find their exact location under my really hairy legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24671

You deserved it

9165

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 02:02

Higher standards

Today, my mom fought with me again for missing an "important" 4th of July family barbecue. I was working until the morning, finishing grad school applications. There are always family events, and also apparently my brother missing the same barbecue to party with friends is perfectly fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1546

You deserved it

111

Favorite

By ring-a-ding-ding - United States - Sparks

Today, at work, due to a mix up, I had to call an answering service. I am also from an answering service. We got the problem fixed but I couldn't hang up due to company policy. She couldn't hang up either. We both had to get our supervisors for permission to hang up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37096

You deserved it

3568

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Deland

Today, I tried to blackmail my dad by threatening to tell mom about the bong and weed he keeps hidden in the garage. Turns out she already knew about it and neither of them give a shit. Now I'm grounded until the new year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19954

You deserved it

38535

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 08:29

Thanks for all the help

Today, I found the Facebook album my sister took with her kids by the pool and out on boats while back in our hometown. My problem? I'm our dad's carer since his stroke and she had planned the trip as a mission to help me take care of him, but due to her kids being "sick", she only visited briefly. Twice. In 5 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1620

You deserved it

106

Favorite

By Butqhy

Today, while in the airport, I had to use the washroom. Upon exiting, I got confused due to an excess of mirrors and walked directly into one in front of an audience. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13374

You deserved it

1822

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I pointed out to my manager that I haven’t been paid for my first month's work. They told me my paperwork had been misplaced, so I hadn’t actually been hired yet. So I just worked a full month for free. Oh, and apparently they’re not legally obligated to pay me, so I’m not getting paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2166

You deserved it

159

Favorite

By kwill256 - Australia

Today, I had an argument with my partner, which resulted in us breaking up and me leaving. I drove for half an hour before I realised I had left my handbag, purse and licence at his place. I had to go ask for it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14193

You deserved it

3007

Favorite

By oink oink fuck off - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, my son got to my great grandfather's old stopwatch, which had been valued at a very high sum, and broke it by twisting the hands in reverse. He says he was trying to time travel. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25839

You deserved it

3694

Favorite

By Anonymous

Love is strange

Today, I learned that, just like in the movies, your ex-boyfriend can eventually wind up being your stepfather. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2002

You deserved it

127

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cheltenham

Today, I discovered that if I turn my shower off for a minute, then back on again, the water comes out scalding hot. I discovered that while the showerhead was pointed directly at my genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33126

You deserved it

9517

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Dansville

Today, my boyfriend and I were having dinner with my family. He killed a bug and ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28875

You deserved it

4079

Favorite

By anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I realized my Internet addiction had gone too far when I tried to Google what was in my freezer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7635

You deserved it

28772

Favorite

By mybad - United States

Today, a customer brought her kids into the store where I work. I like to make people laugh so being my usual joking self I kidded "Why aren't those kids in school?". She didn't laugh when she said that their house burned down the night before and the kids had no clothes to wear to school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48096

You deserved it

13208

Favorite

By Srain - Australia

Today, feeling confident, I asked my boyfriend what he thought of my new body, since I had lost 16 kilos over the past month. He told me that he missed the old me and wanted me to gain weight again. My boyfriend was the one that encouraged me to lose weight in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33362

You deserved it

3837

Favorite

By BMTH2296 - United States

Today, I realized how sad my life is when for my 18th birthday, I went to a strip club, by myself, in GTA V. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45317

You deserved it

8379

Favorite

By hrtbrkn - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me because "god told him to." What god didn't tell him was that I would check his e-mail and find all the e-mails to and from his new girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51167

You deserved it

6172

Favorite

By WhatsThatSmell - Australia

Today, I took a busy train into the city. I was lucky enough to get a seat. People were forced to stand in the aisle in front of me, and the person directly opposite me, whose butt was level with my head farted in my face. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35745

You deserved it

4493

Favorite

By nomwar - United States

Today, I went to a new bar with friends. After arriving I became extremely gassy; I planned a smooth release during the loud music. Little did I know the bar occasionally dips its music to hear the guests singing. When the music turned off all eyes turned to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46037

You deserved it

14832

Favorite

By Samantha Glennie

Today, due to the high pollen count and despite taking hay fever medicine, I passed out in the bathroom from not being able to breathe. My mother accused me of doing it on purpose to make her late for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3589

You deserved it

218

Favorite

By to_complicated_4_u - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got screamed at to the point of tears by a Starbucks employee for "giving an obviously fake name" to confuse one of the employees. I told her my real name. My name is Ian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35061

You deserved it

2740

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was shopping in a store and an employee was mopping the floor. She mopped all around where I was standing then told me to wait until the floor dried to move. I had to go to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26495

You deserved it

6384

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - East Brunswick

Today, while working the Sunday rush at the deli, I held up a piece of ham to a blind customer and asked him if it was thick enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14112

You deserved it

3543

Favorite

By eatmyshipoopie - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend when my dad opened the door. I thought I hadn't been seen because the door was only open a tiny bit. I then looked into the mirror by the door to see my dad's reflection, staring at mine, horrified. I was on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21075

You deserved it

9853

Favorite

By disappointment

Today, my mom walked out on me, abandoning her 16-year-old and taking $100 and a dog, all because I refused to wear women's panties. I would have been perfectly fine wearing them if I weren't a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4148

You deserved it

234

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my headphones on while on the bus. I didn't realize how loud the music was till the woman sitting next to me punched me for changing her favorite song and then "ignoring her" when she asked me to put it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26919

You deserved it

9078

Favorite

By awkward - Finland

Today, my mom got me a job working for the man she's cheating on my dad with. My dad doesn't know that she's cheating, and my mom doesn't know that I know. It's just awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52630

You deserved it

4042

Favorite

By CapNCook - United States - Chicago

Today, a co-worker verbally abused me because I yawned. His excuse was that, "It's contagious". FML

I agree, your life sucks

43029

You deserved it

4380

Favorite

By I'mnotsmarttheothersarestupid - Austria - Vienna

Today, I had to reply to my boss's comments to a 50+ page document. Every second comment could be answered by, "See the sentence above/below" because apparently someone has problems with his short term memory. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4801

You deserved it

350

Favorite

By BetrayedGirl - United States

Today, my friend told me men can't be trusted. I told her that wasn't true; I have my husband's password to his email but I never check it because I trust him. She bet me he was doing something bad, and to prove her wrong I looked. Turns out he has been cheating on me for 8 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44745

You deserved it

5482

Favorite

By FlamedOut

Today, I discovered that my Tinder date is the roommate and best friend of a date from the previous week that went sour. He also hangs out with my former high school flame. What are the chances? FML

I agree, your life sucks

3771

You deserved it

435

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Kansas City

Today, I uploaded a video to YouTube. I have around 20k subscribers, so I'm not a huge deal. I used a "fail" sound effect. I just got an email from YouTube saying that I got a copyright strike. They told me that it was the 4-second sound effect. They copyrighted 4 seconds of my video. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1404

You deserved it

461

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I updated an e-mail I've saved to drafts and have been updating every day for the last few months to a girl I really adore. In this letter, I told her everything I ever kept from her. Instead of saving it to drafts again, I accidentally sent it. And she's online. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14580

You deserved it

51206

Favorite

By James - 16/4/2020 08:00

Anxious

Today, I began worrying I have social anxiety, all because while getting dressed I convinced myself that everyone would talk about me behind my back if I wore a striped shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1244

You deserved it

311

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#4885839 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:10

Yeah there's not much to add to this one. I guess since you're virtually unrecognizable this would be the time to go rob a bank?

By Krirn | 21

#4886157 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:37

20 - No, this isn't even a picture of me, but I'm sure Jackie Chan would appreciate the compliment.

COMMENTS

By Pentium_4 | 26

#4885815 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:07

Well, now you know the difference hopefully

krewer21 | 1

#4885827 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:08

Hopefully...

swig | 0

#4886702 - Sunday 2 September 2012 7:30

"leaves of three, let it be" :)

kay71095 | 9

#4886758 - Sunday 2 September 2012 7:58

44- that's for poison ivy

baddud300 | 6

#4887547 - Sunday 2 September 2012 16:10

At first I read "veins" ....

By WCARlover | 34

#4885839 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:10

Yeah there's not much to add to this one. I guess since you're virtually unrecognizable this would be the time to go rob a bank?

redbluegreen | 40

#4885861 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:13

Just think about how much they would save by not having to buy a mask.

Krirn | 21

#4885925 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:21

5 - $3.99 before tax?

whyusofat | 17

#4886138 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:32

This is completey off topic but is that your natural eye color? Its gorgeous

Krirn | 21

#4886157 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:37

20 - No, this isn't even a picture of me, but I'm sure Jackie Chan would appreciate the compliment.

nutellaisawesome | 5

#4886171 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:41

I think 20 meant 3...

Swift4Life | 13

#4886174 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:42

I think whyusofat was talking to WCARlover, cause you can't really see Mr. Chans eyes in your pic.

WCARlover | 34

#4886191 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:48

lmao @ 20:) but yes it's my natural eye color thank you

Futacy | 29

#4886201 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:51

20- if you want to ask an off topic question, send her a private message instead of commenting where everybody can see it.

epicskier | 3

#4886304 - Sunday 2 September 2012 3:38

I new plants were evil!!!

whyusofat | 17

#4886362 - Sunday 2 September 2012 4:10

I would but im on the app so yea...

EnterSandman_fml | 20

#4886464 - Sunday 2 September 2012 4:48

Rob a bank while my face is unrecognizable and I can't see to know where any potential police may be? BRILLIANT! We'll buy a pint of Guinness if you don't get caught.

LoveGuru69 | 0

#4889088 - Monday 3 September 2012 0:49

hey whyusofat, are those your toothbrushes? theyre gorgeous...

whyusofat | 17

#4889596 - Monday 3 September 2012 4:11

Yea i walked in on em but they didnt mind and kept going...

By loserboii | 11

#4885855 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:13

You might want to cover that somehow, you might scare people away.jk

But seriously swelling is never fun, just try to relax for a couple of days.

By Krirn | 21

#4885893 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:17

Too bad it's not Halloween, you could've dressed up as Two-Face.

manurwickd | 1

#4886115 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:22

I just imagine you saying that in an Asian accent.

By courtz94 | 24

#4885895 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:17

Sorry op, try some medicine to help the face swelling go down.

By superhumangambit | 4

#4885910 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:19

Just walk it off you pansy.

Sarcastic_x | 6

#4885936 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:23

Right...because walking it off will make the swelling go down.

Zer0percent | 8

#4885953 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:24

How exactly do u walk off facial swelling?

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4886005 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:36

Take a walk while dragging your face on the pavement.
Kinda of like Sweetiebelle does.

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4886052 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:46

The mods strike again.

By SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4885914 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:19

Unrecognizable, you say?
Time to streak naked and destroy stuff!
Unless you have a birthmark/tattoo/unmistakable genital deformity.

ebonyirony | 29

#4887869 - Sunday 2 September 2012 17:25

10- or a nametag.

By MsConfusedd | 27

#4885920 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:21

Go scare some small children ;)

EmoSquirrel | 7

#4886327 - Sunday 2 September 2012 3:53

Time to visit the local elementary school?

By ceccles628 | 6

#4885984 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:30

So, you were able to type this?

By zingline89 | 18

#4886108 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:17

Well isn't that just swell. I bet you're itching to get back to work. But seriously, I hope you're oakay. Just get some meds and some rest and I think you'll be doing just vine.

milers11 | 3

#4886824 - Sunday 2 September 2012 9:14

Oh, I see what you did there.

zingline89 | 18

#4886858 - Sunday 2 September 2012 9:38

The people who say "I see what you did there" are the people who have been made fun of their whole life for being the last one in the room to get the joke