Health: Today, I found out that the "vines" I was cutting down this morning...

By merissa22 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that the "vines" I was cutting down this morning were actually poison oak. I can only see out of one eye, and I'm virtually unrecognizable due to the facial swelling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24228

You deserved it

4153

Favorite

merissa22 tells us more :

nothing like a shot in my ass after trying to sum up the courage to go out in public won't help

Health

Knock off

Always call first

Thanks for the support

By AustrianCow - Austria - Linz

Today, I wanted my boyfriend to meet my parents. My mum introduced herself as, "I'm Petra. I'm completely normal." FML

I agree, your life sucks

19938

You deserved it

2065

Favorite

By story of my life. - Switzerland

Today, at a party I told this guy that I really liked his pirate costume. Turns out he wasn't wearing a costume, his eye was shot out with a BB gun. This explains the eye patch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16135

You deserved it

34324

Favorite

By Home owner.

Today, I was touring a house I’m interested in when one of the two realtors stepped out for a minute and never came back. My purse was stolen from my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2325

You deserved it

272

Favorite

By andy - United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter was looking at a magazine cover with a well endowed model showing off her clevage. She looked at me and said, "Mommy, when I grow up will I have big round boobies like her or tiny pointy ones like you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36479

You deserved it

4780

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my dog ate so much toilet paper that she can probably wipe herself from the inside out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3631

You deserved it

362

Favorite

By Nice Guy - United States - San Diego

Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather large man, so I tried to help out and break it up. The small guy punched me in the face and said, "Mind your business!" The large guy laughed and fist-bumped him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23626

You deserved it

5177

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a parking ticket on my car. Out of five cars who were in violation of the same infraction, I was the only one who received a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27344

You deserved it

8990

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, was the third day of my camping trip with my "friends". I woke up in my boxers with my hand glued to my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36293

You deserved it

5669

Favorite

By shira512 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, after much debate, my husband convinced me to let his scumbag brother babysit our seven-year-old son while we went out to a restaurant. When we got home, we found him teaching our son how to pick the lock to our liquor cabinet. My husband is unapologetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26120

You deserved it

4006

Favorite

By Sissyleemae

Today, I got fired from my job for stopping a shoplifter. Where's the logic? FML

I agree, your life sucks

2971

You deserved it

316

Favorite

By mighthavepaidfortwodates

Today, after an amazing date with a girl I like at a restaurant, I realized I foolishly forgot my wallet. When I returned, I spotted my date at another table on a date with a different guy. I also wasn’t able to find my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2055

You deserved it

322

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my sister got fired and I got promoted to her job, got a nice payrise for it. My relationship with my sister will never be the same again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2537

You deserved it

309

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 14:00

Spreading it around

Today, I overheard my co-worker talking about how she's going to Panama City, Florida this weekend and is going to "get lit." It's the middle of the pandemic, and she's going to go party on a beach. She'll be back at work Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1578

You deserved it

217

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/12/2020 02:08 - United States - Pittsburgh

Lockdown boredom

Today, thanks to 10 months of lockdown, the most intimate thing I have done on a Saturday night during this time is use a hobby knife to cut 1/4" thick calluses off my feet. I don't even walk anywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

642

You deserved it

139

Favorite

By todayJman03 - United States

Today, I gave my wife her anniversary card. She started to giggle then walked in our bedroom and came back with the exact same card from last year. This is the second time I've done this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11169

You deserved it

35654

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that the only part of my body that has had a reduction in size from changing my diet and working out isn't my stomach or my thighs but my already undersized breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32252

You deserved it

3263

Favorite

By Not true - United States

Strange terminology

Today, my boyfriend told me that I don't have a "grippy vagina" after he slipped out for the third time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15273

You deserved it

1729

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Fallbrook

Today, I found out that the piece of vacant land I purchased for $20,000 is illegal to build a house on, due to acreage restrictions. Thank you, realtor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28478

You deserved it

5627

Favorite

By nicoreal89 - United States

Today, at the Black Friday Sale, a fully grown man hit my 5 year old daughter for an Xbox. In anger, I punched the guy and gave him a bloody nose. I'm now banned from Best Buy, and my daughter has a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55028

You deserved it

6654

Favorite

By AlexB - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Today, in an effort to try and get fit, I was doing yoga on my carpet when my foot slipped. It went under my radiator, which peeled the skin off my heel like peeling a potato. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16298

You deserved it

1419

Favorite

By aphre - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of over a year and I were discussing how neither of us is the other's usual 'type'. I explained that I usually go for insular asshole types and then asked him what made me different from his usual choices. He said 'Oh, well, I usually go for the attractive ones.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

71717

You deserved it

11852

Favorite

By neverunderstood - Italy - San Pietro In Casale

Today, my wife suddenly texted me to meet her halfway beetween our house and the supermarket. I immediately put my shoes on and started walking eager to get to her as fast as I could to surprise her. Turns out she was carrying three heavy bags and yelled at me for being slow and by foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9347

You deserved it

1392

Favorite

By cait - United States - Edmond

Today, within one day of meeting me, my stepmom decided to break up with my dad. Her reason being, "I love you, but I just can’t put up with the kid." I’m 'the kid'. I’m 28 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1733

You deserved it

177

Favorite

By youshitme - Australia

Today, I was at work, working on a new play. In the final dress rehearsal, I heard some of the crew laughing so I looked down at the very revealing costume to see that my left testicle was hanging out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36217

You deserved it

7806

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 5-year-old girl and we were coloring. She made me a card that was very sweet, so I smiled. She looked at me and went "Don't smile, your smile is really scary." FML

I agree, your life sucks

55628

You deserved it

5277

Favorite

By vickyxanne - United States

Today, I was cleaning out my fiancé's room while he was away so we could move into our new home. Not only did I find a few gay nudie mags, but also some interesting love letters from a nice man named Pablo. Apparently I need to do a lot more than cleaning his room to excite him. Like grow a penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68731

You deserved it

4769

Favorite

By fffmmll - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

I agree, your life sucks

33892

You deserved it

56125

Favorite

By insomniac

Today, my sister is nursing an injured cat back to health in our home because she accidentally hit it with her car. Now I can't decide which is contributing more to my insomnia: the incessant meowing, or the constant itching because our house is infested with fleas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26384

You deserved it

3457

Favorite

By 2young4birds&bees

Today, while changing my tampon in a public restroom, a toddler crawled under the door of my stall and asked what I was doing. I had to wait until I'd finished to open the door and let her out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10674

You deserved it

707

Favorite

By MyMomIsInsane - United States - Uniontown

Today, my mom demanded that I go into the basement and fix the water heater. I told her that I had no idea how to fix it, so she threw my phone down the stairs, told me to Google it, and locked the basement door behind me. It's been two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36663

You deserved it

3210

Favorite

By Shower? - France

Today, I was texting my boyfriend, making plans to see him tomorrow. He ended the conversation by saying "I'm changing my sheets tomorrow, so take a shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23309

You deserved it

6355

Favorite

By mrWrong - United States

Today, my rescue squad unit responded to a 911 call from a woman who felt she was going to pass out. We knocked on her locked door a couple times with no answer. Fearing she might be unconscious, I kicked in the door. She was about to open it and only passed out from the concussion I gave her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

101795

You deserved it

12081

Favorite

By TordNorski - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, I finally had a day off in two weeks and I was excited about getting to sleep in. At 5am, my mom came in and knocked loudly. When I asked her what she wanted, she said she was checking to see if I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13794

You deserved it

1109

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, after a day of walking around downtown, shopping and going out to eat, I came home to notice I had a dirty thong stuck to the back of my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1431

You deserved it

608

Favorite

By shampoomice - United States - La Porte

Today, I noticed that my new shampoo had an unfamiliar pink color to it. After some investigation, I found a dead mouse that had apparently cut itself on the bottle pump. I've been washing my hair with mouse blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61760

You deserved it

5406

Favorite

By Entity303 - 14/11/2020 21:32 - India

Damp, dark night

Today, I'm staying in a hotel. The power went out while I was having a shower. So I waited for it to come back on, until an announcement came over the fire alarm, "Due to generating failure, the power will be off for the rest of the night. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused, and have a good night." FML

I agree, your life sucks

922

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband told me the only reason we're still together is because he can't afford to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32016

You deserved it

3164

Favorite

Today, the last parking space outside my work was tiny but I tried to parallel park there in desperation. A school kid saw the whole attempt and sarcastically clapped me as I gave up and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5820

You deserved it

1194

Favorite

By Ouch - United States

Today, the vibrator I ordered online was delivered. I'd paid extra to make sure it would be here before the weekend, so I could sneak it into my room while everyone was gone. My dad decided to stay home all day and answer the door ahead of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33600

You deserved it

9277

Favorite

By Eimii - United States

Today, my 70 year old coworker gave me a letter telling me he was attracted to me, and wishes to have a relationship in which he can 'hold me in his arms every night'. I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47033

You deserved it

3286

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#4885839 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:10

Yeah there's not much to add to this one. I guess since you're virtually unrecognizable this would be the time to go rob a bank?

By Krirn | 21

#4886157 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:37

20 - No, this isn't even a picture of me, but I'm sure Jackie Chan would appreciate the compliment.

COMMENTS

By Pentium_4 | 26

#4885815 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:07

Well, now you know the difference hopefully

krewer21 | 1

#4885827 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:08

Hopefully...

swig | 0

#4886702 - Sunday 2 September 2012 7:30

"leaves of three, let it be" :)

kay71095 | 9

#4886758 - Sunday 2 September 2012 7:58

44- that's for poison ivy

baddud300 | 6

#4887547 - Sunday 2 September 2012 16:10

At first I read "veins" ....

By WCARlover | 34

#4885839 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:10

Yeah there's not much to add to this one. I guess since you're virtually unrecognizable this would be the time to go rob a bank?

redbluegreen | 40

#4885861 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:13

Just think about how much they would save by not having to buy a mask.

Krirn | 21

#4885925 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:21

5 - $3.99 before tax?

whyusofat | 17

#4886138 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:32

This is completey off topic but is that your natural eye color? Its gorgeous

Krirn | 21

#4886157 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:37

20 - No, this isn't even a picture of me, but I'm sure Jackie Chan would appreciate the compliment.

nutellaisawesome | 5

#4886171 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:41

I think 20 meant 3...

Swift4Life | 13

#4886174 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:42

I think whyusofat was talking to WCARlover, cause you can't really see Mr. Chans eyes in your pic.

WCARlover | 34

#4886191 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:48

lmao @ 20:) but yes it's my natural eye color thank you

Futacy | 29

#4886201 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:51

20- if you want to ask an off topic question, send her a private message instead of commenting where everybody can see it.

epicskier | 3

#4886304 - Sunday 2 September 2012 3:38

I new plants were evil!!!

whyusofat | 17

#4886362 - Sunday 2 September 2012 4:10

I would but im on the app so yea...

EnterSandman_fml | 20

#4886464 - Sunday 2 September 2012 4:48

Rob a bank while my face is unrecognizable and I can't see to know where any potential police may be? BRILLIANT! We'll buy a pint of Guinness if you don't get caught.

LoveGuru69 | 0

#4889088 - Monday 3 September 2012 0:49

hey whyusofat, are those your toothbrushes? theyre gorgeous...

whyusofat | 17

#4889596 - Monday 3 September 2012 4:11

Yea i walked in on em but they didnt mind and kept going...

By loserboii | 11

#4885855 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:13

You might want to cover that somehow, you might scare people away.jk

But seriously swelling is never fun, just try to relax for a couple of days.

By Krirn | 21

#4885893 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:17

Too bad it's not Halloween, you could've dressed up as Two-Face.

manurwickd | 1

#4886115 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:22

I just imagine you saying that in an Asian accent.

By courtz94 | 24

#4885895 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:17

Sorry op, try some medicine to help the face swelling go down.

By superhumangambit | 4

#4885910 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:19

Just walk it off you pansy.

Sarcastic_x | 6

#4885936 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:23

Right...because walking it off will make the swelling go down.

Zer0percent | 8

#4885953 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:24

How exactly do u walk off facial swelling?

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4886005 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:36

Take a walk while dragging your face on the pavement.
Kinda of like Sweetiebelle does.

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4886052 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:46

The mods strike again.

By SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4885914 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:19

Unrecognizable, you say?
Time to streak naked and destroy stuff!
Unless you have a birthmark/tattoo/unmistakable genital deformity.

ebonyirony | 29

#4887869 - Sunday 2 September 2012 17:25

10- or a nametag.

By MsConfusedd | 27

#4885920 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:21

Go scare some small children ;)

EmoSquirrel | 7

#4886327 - Sunday 2 September 2012 3:53

Time to visit the local elementary school?

By ceccles628 | 6

#4885984 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:30

So, you were able to type this?

By zingline89 | 18

#4886108 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:17

Well isn't that just swell. I bet you're itching to get back to work. But seriously, I hope you're oakay. Just get some meds and some rest and I think you'll be doing just vine.

milers11 | 3

#4886824 - Sunday 2 September 2012 9:14

Oh, I see what you did there.

zingline89 | 18

#4886858 - Sunday 2 September 2012 9:38

The people who say "I see what you did there" are the people who have been made fun of their whole life for being the last one in the room to get the joke