Relationships, the best funniest jokes

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Today, I explained to my boyfriend that I'm pansexual. I said attracts what me to him is his intelligence and personality, and would still love him whether or not he had a penis. Turns out a 100% straight cis man can prioritise his penis over his intelligence and personality, because he's really offended now. FML

By TooAccepting - 6/1/2021 23:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Fragility

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Today, my husband told me that he thinks I'm not doing real work because I laugh during online meetings. Sorry I'm not miserable all the time. FML

By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 20:01

Grumpy git

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Today, after looking back at our high school photos, I told my fiancée I’ve been scared lately that I’m getting uglier with age, and that I was much prettier back then. He got really quiet, and then agreed with me.. I’m only 24. FML

By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 00:58 - Canada - Brandon

Time marches on

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Today, my partner thought I was having an affair because I received a video call but declined it. It was from my daughter, and I declined it because I was already on a video call with my sister. FML

By Anonymous - 4/1/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom - Gosport

It wasn't me

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Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I checked his phone. The reason I did so was to get his mum’s number so I could arrange to send her his Xmas present in a parcel, as a surprise as I wouldn't be with him. He found out when he asked me how I managed it, and I told him honestly. FML

By Anonymous - 4/1/2021 07:58

Missing the point

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Today, after five years of being with my boyfriend, I found out that he is apparently very xenophobic. FML

By Amber - 2/1/2021 02:01

Tell us more

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Today, my boyfriend of 6 years decided on New Year's Eve to get on his knees and tell me that he cheated on me with his ex, and they're getting back together. Yay last day of 2020! FML

By tasian14 - 1/1/2021 17:01

Here's to a better year

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Today, I realized that I'm at the age that whenever I mention a friend of the opposite gender, my family's first response is asking whether that friend is single. I've already accepted no one will want a pathetic freak like me, so their poking around what few friends I have makes it awkward. FML

By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 13:58 - United States - Pittsburgh

Relatable, unfortunately

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Today, my fiancé told me he loved me just the way I am. But admitted he wished he had met me before my head injury that made me "slow." FML

By WhataStrangeTripThisIs - 23/12/2020 22:58

Slow

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Today, I learned that my stalker is still trying to weasel their way into my life even after they doxxed me, cyberstalked me, harassed me, threatened me, and attempted blackmail on me. All this just because I told them that their boyfriend groomed me when I was a minor. FML

By Anonymous - 22/12/2020 05:02 - United States - Gainesville

Go away, creep

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Today, I actually feel good about my decisions and my life. I've even started running to improve my health, and recover from self harming. My girlfriend is convinced I'm running to hurt myself, and won't let me near any health food or the treadmill. FML

By poodlesoup - 21/12/2020 22:58 - United States

The wrong end of the stick

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Today, I found out that last night, when I drank a bit too much and blacked out, I freaked out about "losing my tampon in my vagina" and made my boyfriend fish through to look for it. I had already taken it out before then, and was too drunk to realize. He told me he almost called 911. FML

By Anonymous - 21/12/2020 14:01

Drunken antics

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Today, I can’t divorce my lazy, unemployed, shopping-addicted, cheating wife because her father is one of the best, sleaziest, underhanded divorce lawyers in our city. FML

By Nate - 21/12/2020 11:02

Born to run

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Today I've finally found love and contentment in my wonderful relationships with my girlfriend and boyfriend. We are the perfect thruple and very happy together. My mom has just disowned me because of it. FML

By Geoff - 21/12/2020 07:58 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Three's company

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Today, I watched as my girlfriend painfully plucked her eyebrows for half an hour. She is willing to do this, but not shave her armpits on a regular basis. FML

By Anonymous - 20/12/2020 19:58

F*ck the patriarchy

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Today, I was on a chat site and a couple of cute guys asked for my "ASL". I had no idea what that meant so I asked one of my cousins. He said it meant "asshole" and that they were calling me an asshole. So I cursed at everyone who was actually asking for my "age, sex and location." FML

By AnhHung123 - 20/12/2020 16:58

Proper banter

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Today, my wife can't be bothered to do anything that isn't work, talk about her work, and sit on the sofa. Then she complains that I don't show any affection, when she can be bothered to even talk to me. FML

By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom - Boston

Affection breakdown

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Today, I woke up with a fever, headache and sore throat. All the symptoms of Covid-19. I told my husband, whose responded with, "Sack up and get over yourself." FML

By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 23:58 - Antigua and Barbuda - Saint John's

Caring

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Today, I found out that if my husband and I move to another country to live, then his mom and sister will live with us too. I'm already living with them because of societal traditions. I like them and everything, but I really need some privacy. FML

By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 01:04 - Iraq - Basrah

Leeches

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Today, I found out that the very attractive guy who lives in the house behind mine is working from home. I know this because he waved after catching my performance of singing along to a Smiths song into my hairbrush in front of the mirror, dancing around like a five-year-old. FML

By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 13:59

I Want the One I Can't Have

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Today, I wanted my boyfriend to come over for a backyard wiener roast. Because it was so hot outside, he told me he didn't want to. Eventually, I talked him into it telling him it would be fine. He's now still asleep on the couch with heat stroke. FML

By kenz - 17/12/2020 20:01

He's fine

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Today, after close to 10 years of marriage, my wife’s health has improved enough she is craving sex again. Just not with me. FML

By Anonymous - 16/12/2020 08:02

Take care

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Today, it’s my birthday. My boyfriend of almost 4 years completely forgot. FML

By Anonymous - 14/12/2020 17:58 - Canada - Moncton

Thanks, babe

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Today, I realized after seeing my ex in his new relationship that he does everything for her that I always wanted him to do for me. Sucks not being worth it. FML

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 17:01 - United States - Kalamazoo

I'm worth it

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Today, the woman I've been dating for a while told me she wants to, "go back to day one of the relationship and just be friends first," but doesn’t want to break up or lose me, all because she’s having a midlife crisis. I was going to propose to her next month, I've already bought the ring. FML

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 20:04

Midlife crisis

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Today, I was excited for my very first oral sex session. Didn't imagine that the guy would bite everywhere like a beaver trying to be sexy and leave without even cuddling. Definitely didn't match the long sexts. FML

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 09:38 - India

The cringe is real

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Today, the night before an exam, I found out my boyfriend of one and a half years was cheating on me with a girl who has the same name as me. Not only that, I ended up consoling her for hours as she cried over him. FML

By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 19:58 - Canada - Markham

Keep your enemies closer

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Today, I drunkenly admitted to a friend of five years that I've "liked" her for a long time now. She's been in a relationship with some douche for a year and a half at this point. She started crying, and when she finally stopped said, "I can forget this ever happened." FML

By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 19:57

It is what it is

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