Relationships

The horror!

By Anonymous - 24/01/2023 02:00

Today, it's been a week since my girlfriend moved into my house and I have now discovered she is one of those evil, unnatural beings: a Morning Person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 629

You deserved it 465

Bad timing, hun

By Anonymous - 19/01/2023 22:00

Today, I just had surgery and my wife finally wants to have sex. Not that there haven't been enough other days in the previous years of marriage… FML

I agree, your life sucks 739

You deserved it 109

Mr Loverman

By Anonymous - 12/01/2023 10:00

Today, after my wife broke my heart years ago when she cheated, I then met my sexual ying, and developed a napalm relationship, but she lost her marriage and relies on me for everything. So now I have FOUR human beings relying on me. Nobody should say anything but I deserved it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 163

You deserved it 1 231

Awkward phrasing

By Anonymous - 09/01/2023 12:00

Today, a blind guy asked me out, but since I'm already in a relationship I politely declined, saying, "Sorry, I'm already seeing someone." FML

I agree, your life sucks 778

You deserved it 218

Thanks Jeffree Star

By whysoserious??? - 07/12/2022 12:00

Today, my girlfriend has become completely obsessed with YouTube makeup tutorials. She’s already beautiful and used to take 30 minutes tops to get ready. Now every time we leave the house, it’s some 2-hour paint session where she ends up looking like an unrecognizable fucking psychopath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 997

You deserved it 145

Not a player

By Anonymous - 29/11/2022 14:00

Today, and forever, I've never had a woman try to hit on me, so when my barista asked if I’d like to come to her place after her shift, I didn’t immediately realise she meant sex, so I actually stupidly said, “What for?” She got embarrassed and people glared et me like I was scum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 085

You deserved it 454

I'm only sleeping

By Hred - 28/11/2022 14:00

Today, I was excited to sleep in on my day off. My girlfriend woke me up at 6 am. To bring up an argument from a week ago. An argument about salad dressing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 927

You deserved it 105

Don't rock the boat

By Anonymous - 20/11/2022 00:00

Today, my wife put petrol in my diesel car and ruined the engine, I got a bit upset, but I wasn’t screaming or yelling or anything, but she flew completely off the handle at me at how I was putting all the blame on her and it wasn’t fair. I ended up apologising to her for her mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 948

You deserved it 385

Crossroads

By Anonymous - 06/11/2022 02:00

Today, I had to face the fact that although I’ve been married for almost 2 years, my dream girl has come into my life and wants a relationship. I don’t know how to break it off with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 205

You deserved it 1 536

Scarred for life

By Coco - 23/10/2022 10:00

Today, my son confessed to me that the reason he'd rather die single is because my husband and I are so toxic to each other, as we end up arguing over even petty things, yet we still refuse to divorce after 30 years. Therefore, we're to blame for "leaving him traumatized and terrified of marrying". He is 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 186

You deserved it 1 980

Mr Commitment

By Alexander - 07/08/2022 02:00

Today, my ex is calling everyone I know, telling them I ruined her life. I'm not built for serious relationships, I was very open with her about that, the moment stuff gets serious I freak out, yet she chased me at every stage, then blamed me when I couldn't handle her demands for serious commitment, and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 909

You deserved it 442

Karma police

By Anonymous - 26/07/2022 22:00

Today, six months after my wife convinced me to open our relationship, I finally scored with a lovely lady. My wife threw the biggest fit in history. Apparently, she just wanted to fuck other men and didn't think anyone would be interested in me, and now she feels inadequate and threatened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 736

You deserved it 308

The best laid plans…

By A drunk walks into a bar and says NO SEX TONIGHT - 22/07/2022 16:00

Today, while trying to spice up our marriage, we decided to get a hotel room and roleplay as strangers who meet in a bar and have a one night stand. By the time I got there, he was engrossed in the football and on the beer. He didn't notice me arrive and when he did, he was too drunk to get the roleplay right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 274

You deserved it 231

Communication Breakdown

By dummy - 10/07/2022 04:00

Today, my hubby and I realised that the most excitement in our lives this week has been watching how far the disabled spider that got shut in the door has made it around our bathroom. We were both watching all week and have only just told each other. No communication and spider voyeurs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 679

You deserved it 201

Crushed

By Anonymous - 25/06/2022 12:00

Today, I found out that my crush and best friend dumped her boyfriend, and she has been sexting two of our male friends who are married, with kids, and has started hooking up with a meth head. Guess I'm losing a lot of friends in the future… FML

I agree, your life sucks 758

You deserved it 123

Good question

By Anonymous - 24/06/2022 04:00

Today, my girlfriend accused me of only dating her because I’m lonely and want sex. Surely the point of dating someone you love is to be together so you’re not alone, and I have it on good authority that dating occasionally includes sex, so is she nuts or am I actually the bad guy here? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 503

You deserved it 465

Bad timing

By Anonymous - 23/06/2022 14:00

Today, I got home and I was feeling horny so I leapt on my boyfriend, except he had just got home from a 16-hour day and was too tired. After his nap, he was horny but by that time I was way too tired and no longer horny. This is ridiculous, we can’t even get laid even though we live together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 288

You deserved it 321

Heavy duty

By Anonymous - 05/06/2022 12:00

Today, my husband has destroyed 4 mattresses in 6 years, not through accidental fires or anything, not even through vigorous sex, it’s just that his 24-stone bulk crushes the springs, wears divots in the memory foam, and eventually splits the fabric so the stuffing leaks out. Every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 726

You deserved it 169

Epiphany

By Anonymous - 03/06/2022 04:00

Today, a couple approached me in Asda, saying they'd noticed how my wife treats me in public and asked if I felt safe to go home with her. She treats me worse at home it’s true, but this is the first time I realised I might be in an abusive relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 404

You deserved it 135

By comparison, I'm doing OK

By Anonymous - 29/05/2022 12:00

Today, with my relationship in shambles, I reached out to my cousin who has been separated for a year. I asked her if she had any regrets, she said, “I wish I’d done what he said and sucked off his friend.” My spending issues now seems manageable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 850

You deserved it 165

Slight anger issues

By IsabellaM - 27/05/2022 14:01

Today, my husband broke the vase and smashed the chandelier in the hallway, all because I asked him who he was on the phone with. His exact words were, “Do you ever just mind your fucking business? Goddamn!” Oh, and he told me I have to buy a new vase and replace the chandelier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 065

You deserved it 178

What the hell?

By Mili - 27/05/2022 04:00

Today, I got to hear from my coworkers that my marriage to my partner won’t last long because I found and married him in tech school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 748

You deserved it 84

Suspicious activity

By should I be worried? - 22/05/2022 22:00

Today, my girlfriend, who got married at 19 and divorced at 30, told me how much she regretted wasting all her “hot years” being a good and faithful wife to her ex. Oh and that she never got a “hoe-phase” in college like her friends. I think she’s fishing for my permission to cheat. I’m confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 186

You deserved it 157

Double standards

By onlywantuanyway - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff

Today, my boyfriend again told me how he wants to have an open relationship. Of course, this means he can do what he likes with anyone, but if I so much as kiss someone else, I'm a cheating slut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 073

You deserved it 8 496

Welcome to a movie from 1953

By Anonymous - 26/04/2022 16:00

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to be in the room whilst I gave birth. He offered to wait in the waiting room, but only if I gave birth on a weekend, and if it was a weekday he’d be too busy at work. I reproduced with this guy, and this isn’t the meanest thing he’s ever said to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 584

You deserved it 1 188

Sabotage!

By I choose health - 11/04/2022 18:00

Today, my boyfriend admitted to purposely sabotaging all my weight loss efforts. When I confronted him, he said it’s because he doesn’t want me to get thin and turn into one of those stuck up, snobby, mean girl types that wouldn’t date him in high school. We’re in our 30s dude, get over it! FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 177

You deserved it 122

Just go

By Let's stay - 03/04/2022 06:00

Today, my husband wants to move to a different country, but I'm extremely happy and comfortable where I am. To be clear, he wants me to move abroad, while he stays back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 957

You deserved it 99

To do what?

By Anonymous - 02/04/2022 02:00 - Australia - Shailer Park

Today, I opened my boyfriend's bedside table drawer. There was a condom wrapper in there. We don't use condoms. He claims he didn’t have sex with anybody, he just wanted to put the condom over his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 003

You deserved it 185

Trust issues

By George - 01/04/2022 16:00

Today, the only woman in my life who has been honest with me and will give me a straight answer is iPhone’s Siri. FML

I agree, your life sucks 688

You deserved it 187

Dating hell

By Anonymous - 28/03/2022 14:00

Today, I went on a blind date with a guy. We went back to his place, and after getting it on, he rolled onto his back and told me, "You can put that on your Bumble profile, you got a good dicking" then helicoptered his dick around, thinking it was sexy. I missed the last train, so I walked home after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 032

You deserved it 545

Nearly

Today, I realized that as I don’t have Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or any of the other things of the world today, this is my only contact with the world other than work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 12

Today, I go back to school after the winter break. I went to bed at a normal time so I wouldn’t fall asleep in class. I woke up at 3 a.m. and I still have to get up at 6. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Today, the colleague who I’ve been secretly fucking told me she was pregnant. She’d lied about being on birth control. She’s mad at me because I told her to get rid of it and is giving me the silent treatment. You know who else is gonna be mad? My wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 118

You deserved it 2 837

Today, my husband threw a tantrum and, in a blind rage, admitted to having an affair with his co-worker. All because the Cowboys are not making it to the SuperBowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 050

You deserved it 111