Today, my dad put an onion in my room, telling me spirits won't haunt me and that I won't get sick. He thinks a vegetable will protect me. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my dad had a midlife crisis in the grocery store over his football career in high school. So he decided pelting me with vegetables and fruits would be a good idea. FML
Today, my dad was fixing my wardrobe and pushed too hard, causing stuff to fall from the top shelves. I saw it happen with my own eyes, but he's dead-set convinced that it was some kind of poltergeist fucking with him, and now he doesn't want me to go in my room. FML
Today, my dad decided to shave his beard. I told him I wanted him to keep it, so he took the shavings, put them in a jar, and left it in my room. FML
Today, my dad opened my fridge, let rip a horrible fart into it, then closed it and said "There ya go, a little somethin' for supper." FML
Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML
Today, my little sister asked what the noises were last night. It happened to be my dad and his girlfriend fooling around. I ended up telling her it was ghosts. Now I'm grounded by my dad who yelled at me for scaring her. I was trying to save his ass from a lot of questions. FML
Today, I asked my sister why she doesn’t visit our dad in hospital anymore. He’s been in a coma for months, but what she said was just nasty. Apparently, if she wanted to talk to a vegetable, she’d yell into the fridge once a week, at least it would save her the long bus ride. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like vegetables. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he had once been possessed by demons, and that he now sleeps with a knife under his pillow for protection from, "The dark spirits that are feasting upon his soul." I'm not sure that I'll be sleeping over anytime soon. FML
Today, I nearly burnt a hole in my esophagus because I couldn’t stand my dad’s taunts about me not being able to stomach ghost pepper hot sauce. Irony is a cruel bitch. FML
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Top comments
secretsymbiote21 5
onions make them cry. your dad is a smart man.
chelseaaababyyy 17
Well, if you were a spirit, would you like to haunt a smelly room? I think not.
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Comments (80)
secretsymbiote21 5
onions make them cry. your dad is a smart man.
shayshayshazam 14
Onions also make the boys who come over for a booty call cry. VERY smart man.
decidedlyvague 11
He's been watching too many veggie tales.
Carli_M 8
You never no if it can
MormonPornstar 7
^ You uh... can't spell or do the duckface right. What a gem.
katymack 11
A bit strange but nice thought!
TourettesGuyFTW 25
Yeah, very nice... if you're making a stew.
wickedninja918 1
it's an old wives tale a onion under a pillow is supposed to be good luck (not that I would keep an onion under my pillow)
CremeEggs 6
Well actually, there's a myth that says onions absorb virus' like cold and flu etc. Google it. They say its a bunch of hog wash, but you never know, it could be true.
chelseaaababyyy 17
Well, if you were a spirit, would you like to haunt a smelly room? I think not.
WeWalkIn1D 11
But then the air will smell like onions. Not my dream air freshener, in my opinion.
missalkali 8
it's actually scientifically proven that open onions will absorb viruses. in the olden days people didn't have a name for their illnesses so they thought they were evil spirits haunting them and they thought the onion, which healed them of the sickness, prevented the "evil spirits" from coming. so essentially, his father is right. just saying
kristabelli 19
60 is right.
gojira666 7
Neither 60 or 61 is correct. Please check a more reliable source people
bfsd42 20
60, I was going to thumb up your comment till I got to the end and saw "just saying" which resulted in a thumb down. Of course you are just saying. If you weren't, then your comment wouldn't exist.
MikeFoxtrot01594 11
60 What you're saying is impossible. Maybe onions can kill viruses, but there is no way that they can be attracted to onions.
kristabelli 19
My bad.
sjaytee 6
Take it out? Problem solved.
Superstitious 6
But what about the spirits??
patrickalamo 47
Tell him the spirits ate the onion.
WritingWrongs 8
"Ha! You think your puny onion can protect you?!" *throws onion two feet to the left*. "Your soul is mine now, foolish mortal!"
WCARlover 34
At least he cares about you. And now you have an excuse for when you cry :o
newbiehere99 6
Well some vegetables can save you ... have you ever seen Veggie-tales?
newbiehere99 6
What happened to the rest of my letters :(
winkydog4056 16
#6_How can the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything or a cucumber who can't find his hairbrush save you!?
Enslaved 36
I'm still waiting for the "Water Buffalo" I ordered through the mail.
turkturkington 13
You're right, they can't. But sometimes, a precious cheese burger can. And they definitely saved me from being scared of the boogie man...
pookoo 4
I have no reason to reference madam blueberry here.
Muffin_boo 12
To everyone who commented on this particular comment. You're all awesome! I'm not a lone veggie-tale-er! :D
Muffin_boo 12
Wow I got thumbed down for a compliment? Lmao
JoanT 11
This was the best thread thank you!!
Faff 20
Onions do help when you have a cold. But i'm not sure what it does to spirits..
Hannahmgp 9
Yeah, that's really stupid. Everyone knows fruits are the way to go.
Corwin02 11
Actually a cut onion does keep your airways open in case of a cold and seems to help in curing said cold, guess your dad has some other crap mixed in there though
DocBastard 38
Why the hell not? This banana in my ear is keeping all the rabid bats away. Well you don't see any rabid bats, do you? So it must be working.
Muffin_boo 12
Doc bastard would! :D
BrimfullOfAsher 20
A banana in your ear does absolutely nothing to keep away rabid bats. On the other hand, a daily shot of whiskey keeps away centaurs.
skyeyez9 24
Doc, the banana is supposed to go in your butt.
outoftown 26
#54, Um, no. No safety rim, so another doc would have to remove it.
MindFreakazoid 10
"Just stick a banana in your favorite ear... ...once it's in the rabid bats will disappear..."