Love: Today, my boyfriend told me that he had once been possessed by... - FML

By StillBetterThanTwilight - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my boyfriend told me that he had once been possessed by demons, and that he now sleeps with a knife under his pillow for protection from, "The dark spirits that are feasting upon his soul." I'm not sure that I'll be sleeping over anytime soon. FML

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Season finale

Greed

All that time I'm never getting back

By Anonymous - United States - Lebanon

Today, I found out that I am allergic to one of the preservatives that they put in aloe. I found this out after I put some on a severe sunburn I have. Not only am I sunburned, but now I am severely itchy as well. FML

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By freakingout - United States - Roslyn

Today, it was my first day back at school. My social anxiety is so bad that I couldn't even raise my hand to use the bathroom because I didn't want people to look at me. FML

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By heretoserve - United States - Winchester

Today, I got yelled, screamed, and cursed at by a customer until I was reduced to tears. This was all because I double-checked to make sure she wanted large fries. FML

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By sa la vash - Netherlands

Today, what my friends call my "resting bitch face" freaked my boyfriend out enough during sex that he went soft inside me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was making salsa and got jalepeno juice all over his mouth. A little bit later, he started going down me. He hadn't washed his mouth. FML

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By poo_shoe123 - United States

Today, I was called by my 9 year old son's teacher. He had handcuffed himself to his desk with handcuffs he found in my room. I was told to please bring in the key and not to leave my kinky toys out where a child could get them. I'm a cop. FML

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By Sad nerd - United Kingdom - Ringwood

Today, I got an offer to study at a good university. My father has been pushing me to apply for years, so I ecstatically broke the news. Instead of congratulating me, he just grunted and delivered the more important news that he's divorcing my mum. Moment ruined. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while watching a man in front of me on the bus remove his cap to scratch his noggin, I noticed the swarm of dandruff that was about to nail me in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a rejection letter from a college that I'd applied to 6 years ago. FML

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By tattooooooface - United States

Today, my dad found out I got a tattoo behind his back and is really really upset. When I got home from work my car wasn't in the driveway. When I asked my dad where it was, he replied "you'll get it back when your tattoo comes off." FML

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By sickday

Today, I took my first holiday from work in over 6 months as it was my birthday. Today was also the day I woke up and vomited violently for 10 straight hours as a result of food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed that I have gained enough weight to give me back boobs. FML

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By Imnotfromhere - 27/2/2021 05:01

Problematic language

Today, at my new retail job, I accidentally referred to white tank tops as, "Wife beaters." That's what I thought they were actually called, until my boss had to correct me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my wife of 5 years has decided to change everything: job, clothes, hair style, car, and me. FML

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By never-even-owned-a-car - 30/8/2020 17:02

Broke

Today, it's the tenth anniversary of me getting my driver's license. My record is perfect: no accidents, no tickets. Today is also the tenth anniversary of the last time I drove a car. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn't feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women's restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML

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By kwill256 - Australia

Today, I had an argument with my partner, which resulted in us breaking up and me leaving. I drove for half an hour before I realised I had left my handbag, purse and licence at his place. I had to go ask for it back. FML

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By john - United States

Today, the girl who I have had a crush on for 2 years snuck up from behind me and gave me a hug. I farted very loud at the same exact time. FML

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By fuck my goddamn life - United States

Today, I'm stuck in a hotel with my psychotic mom, all because she swore there were "demonic" noises coming from our oven. Yeah, our oven is totally possessed, you idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Growing old gracefully

Today, I found out that as I get closer to 40, I often need to wipe my arse when I fart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on an interview for a job that I had been wanting for months. I thought everything was going great. On my way out, my interviewer asked me to recycle something for him. I agreed. It was my resume. FML

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By bridalqueen - United States

Today, as a veteran blood donor, I made a friend who was donating for the first time- I told her not to be scared and that I've been doing it for six years and that it was a great way to help people. While at the snack area afterwards, I passed out, started convulsing and went into shock. FML

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By HT BaaFly - United Kingdom

Today, after months of unemployment, my only social interaction was with my postman. FML

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By bitty - United States

Today, some construction workers kept going in and out the door next to my cubicle. They decided it would be easier to just prop the door open for the next hour. It's 20 degrees outside, and I'm wearing a dress. FML

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By saintmichi - Poland

Today, after a 9 hour train journey through the Polish mountains, I mistook a small black and white cat for a penguin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to wrap presents for a cat. FML

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By Mark - United States

Today, it was the last day of school, and I said goodbye to one of my students. She then told me how to correctly pronounce her name. I'd said it wrong all year. FML

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By emilyparra1 - United States - Riverview

Today, I had a job interview for a job I've been dying to have. As I'm walking into the office, the manager says, "Aren't you my son's ex, the one he cheated on?" All I could do was sit there quietly as he laughed at me. FML

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By adults acting like children - United States - Danvers

Today, it's been almost two weeks since any of my relatives have talked to me. They are still mad because I didn't go on a Labor Day trip with them and I've found out why. Apparently, they had plans for me to babysit my younger cousins any time they wanted to do something fun. FML

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By WatchOut - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I submitted my big assignment to my teacher at 1:55pm. The deadline was 2pm. She rejected it, because her watch read a few minutes after 2pm, and she maintains that the time on her watch is the "real" time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I punched my wife in the face, because she jumped out from behind the bedroom door in the dark. I'm afraid of the dark. I'm 21. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, the man I was going to dinner with got me the most expensive necklace. We got to the table he had reserved when his friend comes and sits with us. Somehow the subject of getting it on comes up. My date then says "expensive jewelry - one way ticket to her pants". FML

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By FML136969 - United States - Oxford

Today, I tried channeling Mr. Miyagi by catching a fly with my bare hands. It turned out to be a wasp. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rome

Today, I was singing in my dorm. When I left a little later, a cute guy came up to me and asked if I was the girl who'd been singing. I proudly said yes. He replied, "Good thing you finally shut the fuck up!" and walked away. FML

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By Rafiki - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's house, I picked up her cat and held him like he was baby Simba. Apparently he didn't enjoy that, because he managed to somehow leap out of my hands and attach himself to my chest, claws extended. I now have four one-inch-long gashes on my chest. FML

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By lonesome - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I was so lonely, I tried to get into bed noiselessly while pretending I had a boyfriend asleep in it. FML

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By WhereIsIt? - 25/9/2020 22:01 - Australia - North Lakes

Frustration

Today, I came home from a nine-hour shift and all I want is to sit down with a glass of Baileys. I can't find the key to the liquor cabinet. FML

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By Sensitive!!! - 24/8/2020 21:56 - Australia - Brisbane

A teaching moment

Today, my husband is so bad at foreplay that when he remembers to try and turn me on, he digs around really hard like he's scratching a bug bite. Last time, his nail sliced my clitoris. FML

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By Mew - United States

Hard pass

Today, while working at the hospital, I had a patient with a blocked bowel. It was so bad, feces were entering into her stomach. While leaning down to talk with her, she threw up. I was both vomited and defecated on at the same time. FML

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Top comments

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4870585 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:00

I hope he doesn't twitch in his sleep.

Also he's an idiot who will probably end up stabbing himself and you (if you're staying over).

By Dimence | 9

#4870586 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:01

Just, run.

COMMENTS

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4870585 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:00

I hope he doesn't twitch in his sleep.

Also he's an idiot who will probably end up stabbing himself and you (if you're staying over).

Reply

LaughinStock | 16

#4870653 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:12

Imagine if Op's boyfriend does get possessed; the only thing I can think of is the first Exorcist movie.
Op: "Babe are you okay?"
Boyfriend: "Ahhhh FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME!!"

Reply

Darkmagic666 | 9

#4870679 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:17

That's what I was thinking

Reply

Mischief109 | 11

#4870762 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:34

Yay! Someone else watches Supernatural!!!

Reply

xcarxcrashx | 9

#4870858 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:51

38 did you think they were producing the show purely for you?

Reply

movealongnow | 1

#4870879 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:59

Sounds like you won't just be stabbed if you sleep over. I'd avoid that impending disaster altogether.

Reply

1PaulyD | 9

#4871036 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 20:49

Sounds like they need to call Ghost Adventures team and let them check it out

Reply

1PaulyD | 9

#4871039 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 20:49

Sounds like they need to call Ghost Adventures team and let them check it out

Reply

syley | 5

#4871059 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 20:54

17) ... Ok

Reply

KommanderKush420 | 5

#4871197 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 22:02

83 - More like ghost busters

Reply

_Oblivion_ | 12

#4871203 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 22:03

He's a pyscho. Run. Run as fast as you can

Reply

lyskiss | 10

#4871524 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 23:37

Run Forrest, run!

Reply

maosquare | 18

#4871795 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 1:04

Run, Lola, Run!

Reply

license2chill | 5

#4872157 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 3:52

Dump his ass... Not worth the risk

Reply

syley | 5

#4872219 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 4:21

Anyone else read op's name? No? Well maybe you should, it'll give you a good laugh

Reply

nado13579 | 12

#4872237 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 4:39

^ I bet if Kristen Stewart had emotions, she'd be jealous.

Reply

wiggleyeah | 3

#4876162 - Thursday 30 August 2012 6:47

#58 Bitch much????

Reply

minisquid | 9

#4876441 - Thursday 30 August 2012 9:33

I dunno, that knife from the Golden Compass (books, not the movie) could fuck a demon up pretty bad...

Reply

Alastor13X | 8

#5897663 - Thursday 27 March 2014 22:29

How the Fuck is a knife going to protect him from a demon!? Fuck that noise! Your only excuse for staying would be wanting to get stabbed.

By Dimence | 9

#4870586 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:01

Just, run.

Reply

ShannyAK | 16

#4870685 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:17

It's not like I can't happen...

Reply

Warden1986 | 16

#4870727 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:23

Maybe you (I) can't happen, specially when "it" comes to spelling.

Reply

Supernovas_Child | 13

#4870791 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:39

Well #33, you could probably get a lot better protection from evil spirits, because they're not corporeal beings.

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4871103 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 21:19

You can run, but you cannot hide.

Reply

BH1126 | 11

#4872299 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 5:34

#46- You're stupid.

Reply

LigerFan | 1

#4872448 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 7:39

This!

Reply

LigerFan | 1

#4872458 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 7:44

Run high, run wild, run free, run like bad food through a mischievous wombat! Just run!

By bones_17 | 5

#4870592 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:01

What a smart man, you never know when there going get yahh,

Reply

biggestfan23 | 11

#4870599 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:02

It's not a bad idea to end it. He sounds crazy

Reply

bones_17 | 5

#4870651 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:12

I'm just lucky Enough that my dark spirits give me a months notice before they attack me, plus I think they are just a bit slow, one gets pushed around in a wheel chair, while the other one has a limp wrist, and mumbles.

Reply

yuzuhere | 21

#4870914 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 20:06

"I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha one way, or another..."

Reply

mbusey | 20

#4871823 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 1:12

Thanks 68, now that song is stuck in my head

Reply

Carli_M | 8

#4872339 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 6:23

It's stuck in mine to I'm singing it out loud right now

By MsConfusedd | 27

#4870594 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:02

Just remind him that you've got a gun just in case the zombies attack

By IOmnomHard | 10

#4870595 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:02

Someone sounds like they need therapy.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#4872389 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 7:00

Or a bloody good exorcism! Poor chap.

By emmagillespie24 | 11

#4870597 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:02

I just moderated this :)

By IDontKnow10101 | 14

#4870602 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:03

How is a knife going to stop the demons from repossessing him, or in this case, feeding on his soul....

Reply

TheDrifter | 23

#4870839 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:49

Silly sleeping mortals, thinking a knife will protect them as they snore away.

Reply

easyprey | 8

#4870893 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 20:03

Unless the knife is for her so she can stab him when he gets possessed

Reply

fishergirl34 | 3

#4870921 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 20:08

I was wondering the same thing.

Reply

Shadow_Phantom | 26

#4870953 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 20:22

I think the fact that "demons don't possess people or feed on souls" will keep them from doing anything.

Reply

simmer333 | 0

#4871806 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 1:05

Must resist... YOUR PHOTO IS PERFECT!

Reply

zandalee | 19

#4872396 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 7:02

75 - love your profile pic but don't agree with your comment.

By anniekins | 6

#4870611 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:05

If I were you, I'd probably try to get out of that one as soon as possible.

By PlaiPie | 11

#4870614 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:05

Better safe than sorry, better safe than sorry, better safe than sorry.

Reply

Kimitte | 1

#4871308 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 22:58

How will a knife help, how will a knife help, how will a knife help?

Reply

AphyTheBronette | 15

#4871588 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 23:53

Would of been better to carry a cross and bible,Would of been better to carry a cross and bible,Would of been better to carry a cross and bible.

Reply

outoftown | 26

#4872094 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 3:25

Oh. I read "better safe than sorry" as OP should get away from him.

Reply

TheNewPotato | 7

#4873384 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 15:52

Am I the only one who thinks this is a Left 4 Dead reference from the guy in the church who keeps saying this and gets the horde after you?

Reply

PlaiPie | 11

#4874127 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 19:09

That was what I was referencing too xD

By beddington | 7

#4870618 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:06

Pea soup everywhere!!!