Love: Today, my boyfriend told me that he had once been possessed by... - FML

By StillBetterThanTwilight - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my boyfriend told me that he had once been possessed by demons, and that he now sleeps with a knife under his pillow for protection from, "The dark spirits that are feasting upon his soul." I'm not sure that I'll be sleeping over anytime soon. FML

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Sorry…

Boozehound

Running commentary

By wish his dad had worn one - United States - Clinton

Today, I was playing some soccer with my buddies, when a kid came over, yelled "CUP CHECK!" and nailed me in the nuts then ran away laughing. Millions of my unborn children died in agony. All his fatass mom did was chuckle nervously and pat her satan-spawn on the head. FML

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By stubble - Canada

Today, I had to meet my mother. Being a college student, I decided I was too lazy to shave this morning. She noticed the stubble on my face, and started crying because I'm growing up. I'm 23 years old. My dad yelled at me for making my mom cry. FML

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By feels like an asshole - United States

Today, I took new sleeping meds. One of the side effects was sleepwalking. I had a dream my girlfriend wanted me to pee on her. Apparently, while sleepwalking, I pissed all over our dog. FML

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By funy_hunie - United States - Anchorage

Today, while lying in bed, I was so lonely that I put a heavy blanket in front of me so it felt like I was spooning someone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kannapolis

Today, I was in a training about the newest changes in CPR. The trainer was discussing chest compression techniques and said she prefers "good, fast, hard pumping." I was the only one who snickered out loud, drawing several annoyed looks from the other trainees. I'm a 45-year-old doctor. FML

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By Nelson - Sweden

Today, I was sitting on my balcony reading a book. My upstairs neighbors thought that would be a good time to water their flowers. I'm now drenched in water, as is my book. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went sledding with my friends. I said I was tired and didn't want to go, but they press-ganged me into it. I ended up sledding right into a tree, fracturing my leg, and scraping up my entire face. FML

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By Anonymous - Latvia - Jelgava

Today, in the middle of examining me, my gynecologist suddenly took a sharp intake of breath and vomited on the floor. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Angelo

Fast food dinner

Today, I called my husband and asked him what he wanted from our favorite fast food place. A divorce. FML

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By Bondi414 - United States

Today, my dad made a new house rule: "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down." My whole house now smells like pee. FML

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By fme - United States

Today, I took the family to the Rainforest Café. There was no parking and I detest paying $12 for valet parking. I parked at Wal-Greens across the street in the only spot without a "patrons only, violators will be towed" sign. It was covered by the tree branches. It cost me $225 for the cab and fine. FML

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By H8TR - United States

Today, I had to use my butthole to negotiate with my husband so I can get a new tattoo. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, a woman fainted, and an extremely attractive cop came in to help. I ended up running into him an hour later. Seeing as though I'm not very shy or a nervous person, I struck up a conversation with him, thinking it must be fate. I ended up fumbling my words so much he asked if I was drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandmother gave me a huge speech on being abstinent until marriage. Being the honest person that I am, I told her I wasn't a virgin anymore. Instead of being mad and telling me I was going to hell. She asked me what my favourite things to do sexually were. And told me hers in detail. FML

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By alli67

Today, I went to the doctor's with my pregnant sister, only to find out she still weighs less than me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working out in the gym, I spotted a very attractive girl. I decided to pick up the heaviest dumbbell to show off how much I could curl. She ended up driving me to the hospital because I burst into tears after tearing up my bicep and deltoid. FML

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By

Today, while working at a grocery store, I spent about 30 minutes pushing carts inside in a blizzard. Not even 10 minutes after I had finished, I looked out the window and saw that not only had the snow completely stopped, but the sun was shining. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was the only girl in my lab class. The instructor was learning our names. When he came to me, I went to say "mine will be easy" and it came out as "I'm easy." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, our cat died. My husband and I had a touching bonding moment together. Our relationship has been strained for months, and I thought this could bring us closer. He decided to bring up politics. FML

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By disturbedgd - South Africa - Durban

Today, I had my first steamy wet dream. It contained the Power Rangers. FML

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By hi - United States

Today, I was babysitting this one year old. She just learned how to say yes so if you asked her ANYTHING, she'd say yes. I asked her if she liked vegetables and she said "yes!" Then I asked her if I was pretty... she looked at me and said "NO." FML

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By Tib - United States

Today, I had to take a urine test. I drank a lot of water so that I wouldn't force it. When I got there, I had to pee really bad. The cup was too small and when I relieved my bladder, it was a jet that rebounded off of the cup and overflowed going all over my hands, clothes, toilet, and floor. FML

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By samsonity - 15/9/2020 17:02

It never rains, it pours

Today, I woke up knowing I'd done all my homework, so I'd have the day free. My dad calls me into his room to tell me that I have 3 outstanding exam papers to hand in this week. It was summer homework, set by my school's online learning website that I didn’t know it existed. FML

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By mala_19 - 18/3/2020 20:14 - Sweden - Skellefte?

Follow the instructions

Today, I used a menstrual cup for the first time. When I took it out, a big chunk of dog hair came with it. I think I'm too grossed out to ever use it again. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2020 22:02 - United States - Anchorage

Get the message, dude

Today, after telling my boyfriend of 8 years on Monday that I'm unhappy and don’t want to be in a relationship anymore, he said to me just now, "So, I’m thinking of proposing to you in December." FML

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By izziegrl - Mexico - Naucalpan

Today, I realized that I spend more money on gas to go to my job than what I get paid. FML

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By depressed - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, my new creative writing teacher informed the class that we should consult him before writing anything "dark or disturbing." I only took the class because my therapist recommended that I join the class so I could freely express my darker thoughts without her help or a fear of being judged. FML

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By princess - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 3 year old daughter's Halloween costume finally got delivered. FML

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By curtain buyer - United States - Albany

Today, I moved into my new apartment. As I sat in my living room watching Netflix, I found out that my window has an excellent view of my new neighbors, who just so happen to like to shag with the blinds open. I guess I'll be buying some curtains. FML

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By sluttyfox

Today, I was excited to finally receive my Halloween costume in the mail after the one I ordered back in September got lost in transit. Upon reaching my mailbox, I saw the lock had been broken off and my new costume had been stolen. The party is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was at my job life-guarding, when a woman pushed the spine-board over, hitting me on the back of my head. She laughed, but I now have a concussion and a stiff neck, and my co-workers can't stop laughing at the "irony." FML

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By badeats - United States

Today, I visited my grandma. She offered me some chips in ziploc bag. I thought they were sour cream and onion chips from the look. They tasted funny, but I didn't want to be rude and I kept eating. I looked closer after a while and noticed that what I thought were chives was actually mold. FML

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By Estee1024 - United States - San Luis Obispo

Today, my sister found out that Justin Bieber got arrested and now she won't stop crying. 5ML

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By roar_shark - Canada

Today, I was driving home from my friend's house and noticed this really cute girl riding her bike. She had an amazing body, beautiful blonde hair and looked like my kind of girl! About 10 minutes after I got home, my sister pulled up. She had just biked home from the hair salon. FML

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By heatproblems - United States

Today, I can't get my heat to turn off. It is currently 87 degrees Fahrenheit in my house, and my heat is running non-stop. It's about 20 degrees outside with over a foot of snow on the ground, so a repairman can't come out to fix it. My electricity bill will be about $1000. FML

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By Paulie89

Bullshit quack chiropractor on the loose!

Today, I told my family how my wrist has been hurting for almost a week. My aunt’s chiropractor boyfriend then decided he could help by suddenly pulling my hand as hard as he could. Not only did my wrist pop and cause me more pain, but my shoulder got dislocated. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were planning how to spend the day together. When I suggested we start off with some fun in bed, then get some pizza and play his favorite video game, he sighed, "Can't we just go straight to gaming?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided I would tell my mom I'm not going to marry my fiancé because it just didn't feel right, only to walk into my own surprise engagement party. FML

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By me - United States - West Babylon

Today, I managed to infect a clean computer with a virus while looking up info on how to rid my other computer of the same virus. FML

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By hannahk267 - United States

Today, I was practicing my lines for theater class in the hall. My partner and I chose a script where we argue over me stealing her boyfriend. Since it started to sound like a real argument, another student said that I was a "crazy bitch" and punched me in the face. FML

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Top comments

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4870585 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:00

I hope he doesn't twitch in his sleep.

Also he's an idiot who will probably end up stabbing himself and you (if you're staying over).

By Dimence | 9

#4870586 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:01

Just, run.

COMMENTS

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4870585 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:00

I hope he doesn't twitch in his sleep.

Also he's an idiot who will probably end up stabbing himself and you (if you're staying over).

Reply

LaughinStock | 16

#4870653 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:12

Imagine if Op's boyfriend does get possessed; the only thing I can think of is the first Exorcist movie.
Op: "Babe are you okay?"
Boyfriend: "Ahhhh FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME!!"

Reply

Darkmagic666 | 9

#4870679 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:17

That's what I was thinking

Reply

Mischief109 | 11

#4870762 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:34

Yay! Someone else watches Supernatural!!!

Reply

xcarxcrashx | 9

#4870858 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:51

38 did you think they were producing the show purely for you?

Reply

movealongnow | 1

#4870879 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:59

Sounds like you won't just be stabbed if you sleep over. I'd avoid that impending disaster altogether.

Reply

1PaulyD | 9

#4871036 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 20:49

Sounds like they need to call Ghost Adventures team and let them check it out

Reply

1PaulyD | 9

#4871039 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 20:49

Sounds like they need to call Ghost Adventures team and let them check it out

Reply

syley | 5

#4871059 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 20:54

17) ... Ok

Reply

KommanderKush420 | 5

#4871197 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 22:02

83 - More like ghost busters

Reply

_Oblivion_ | 12

#4871203 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 22:03

He's a pyscho. Run. Run as fast as you can

Reply

lyskiss | 10

#4871524 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 23:37

Run Forrest, run!

Reply

maosquare | 18

#4871795 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 1:04

Run, Lola, Run!

Reply

license2chill | 5

#4872157 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 3:52

Dump his ass... Not worth the risk

Reply

syley | 5

#4872219 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 4:21

Anyone else read op's name? No? Well maybe you should, it'll give you a good laugh

Reply

nado13579 | 12

#4872237 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 4:39

^ I bet if Kristen Stewart had emotions, she'd be jealous.

Reply

wiggleyeah | 3

#4876162 - Thursday 30 August 2012 6:47

#58 Bitch much????

Reply

minisquid | 9

#4876441 - Thursday 30 August 2012 9:33

I dunno, that knife from the Golden Compass (books, not the movie) could fuck a demon up pretty bad...

Reply

Alastor13X | 8

#5897663 - Thursday 27 March 2014 22:29

How the Fuck is a knife going to protect him from a demon!? Fuck that noise! Your only excuse for staying would be wanting to get stabbed.

By Dimence | 9

#4870586 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:01

Just, run.

Reply

ShannyAK | 16

#4870685 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:17

It's not like I can't happen...

Reply

Warden1986 | 16

#4870727 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:23

Maybe you (I) can't happen, specially when "it" comes to spelling.

Reply

Supernovas_Child | 13

#4870791 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:39

Well #33, you could probably get a lot better protection from evil spirits, because they're not corporeal beings.

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4871103 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 21:19

You can run, but you cannot hide.

Reply

BH1126 | 11

#4872299 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 5:34

#46- You're stupid.

Reply

LigerFan | 1

#4872448 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 7:39

This!

Reply

LigerFan | 1

#4872458 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 7:44

Run high, run wild, run free, run like bad food through a mischievous wombat! Just run!

By bones_17 | 5

#4870592 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:01

What a smart man, you never know when there going get yahh,

Reply

biggestfan23 | 11

#4870599 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:02

It's not a bad idea to end it. He sounds crazy

Reply

bones_17 | 5

#4870651 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:12

I'm just lucky Enough that my dark spirits give me a months notice before they attack me, plus I think they are just a bit slow, one gets pushed around in a wheel chair, while the other one has a limp wrist, and mumbles.

Reply

yuzuhere | 21

#4870914 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 20:06

"I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha one way, or another..."

Reply

mbusey | 20

#4871823 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 1:12

Thanks 68, now that song is stuck in my head

Reply

Carli_M | 8

#4872339 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 6:23

It's stuck in mine to I'm singing it out loud right now

By MsConfusedd | 27

#4870594 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:02

Just remind him that you've got a gun just in case the zombies attack

By IOmnomHard | 10

#4870595 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:02

Someone sounds like they need therapy.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#4872389 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 7:00

Or a bloody good exorcism! Poor chap.

By emmagillespie24 | 11

#4870597 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:02

I just moderated this :)

By IDontKnow10101 | 14

#4870602 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:03

How is a knife going to stop the demons from repossessing him, or in this case, feeding on his soul....

Reply

TheDrifter | 23

#4870839 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:49

Silly sleeping mortals, thinking a knife will protect them as they snore away.

Reply

easyprey | 8

#4870893 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 20:03

Unless the knife is for her so she can stab him when he gets possessed

Reply

fishergirl34 | 3

#4870921 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 20:08

I was wondering the same thing.

Reply

Shadow_Phantom | 26

#4870953 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 20:22

I think the fact that "demons don't possess people or feed on souls" will keep them from doing anything.

Reply

simmer333 | 0

#4871806 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 1:05

Must resist... YOUR PHOTO IS PERFECT!

Reply

zandalee | 19

#4872396 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 7:02

75 - love your profile pic but don't agree with your comment.

By anniekins | 6

#4870611 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:05

If I were you, I'd probably try to get out of that one as soon as possible.

By PlaiPie | 11

#4870614 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:05

Better safe than sorry, better safe than sorry, better safe than sorry.

Reply

Kimitte | 1

#4871308 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 22:58

How will a knife help, how will a knife help, how will a knife help?

Reply

AphyTheBronette | 15

#4871588 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 23:53

Would of been better to carry a cross and bible,Would of been better to carry a cross and bible,Would of been better to carry a cross and bible.

Reply

outoftown | 26

#4872094 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 3:25

Oh. I read "better safe than sorry" as OP should get away from him.

Reply

TheNewPotato | 7

#4873384 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 15:52

Am I the only one who thinks this is a Left 4 Dead reference from the guy in the church who keeps saying this and gets the horde after you?

Reply

PlaiPie | 11

#4874127 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 19:09

That was what I was referencing too xD

By beddington | 7

#4870618 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 19:06

Pea soup everywhere!!!